I'm Like a Bird

Photo by Sergio Larrain

Recently I was having a conversation with my daughter about music and she mentioned that she likes a couple songs by Nelly Furtado. I let her know that she was popular back in the 90s and that I had bought one of her CDs back then and I enjoyed some of her music.

Fast forward a few days and I was listening to the OKOP podcast as I often do while I am working and one of them mentions something like, "It's like that song where they sing 'I'm like a bird'" but they struggled with remembering who the artist was. I knew right away who they meant. It was Sophia who finally said it was by Nelly. She was close, but was only missing her last name "Furtado". 

On the following day, I was at work listening to Venusian Soul Tarot and at the beginning of the reading she says, "I'm hearing a song by Nelly Furtado and the lyrics I'm hearing are 'I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away".  I admit that I was a little freaked out by this coincidence because it has been a long time since I have gotten any signs and synchronicities that made me sit up and take notice. I thought okay, maybe this is a message for me but they usually come in threes for me. I didn't really consider the conversation about Nelly Furtado the same as the others because the songs that my daughter said she likes didn't include "I'm Like a Bird".

Yesterday, I was at work doing what I do. I went out to restock the pastry case and I heard a song playing that was familiar. I thought, "Surely this isn't what I think it is." And then I heard the familiar lyric, "I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away". As I paused and listened, I got chills and smiled. 

What are the odds? I considered what a weird coincidence I had been experiencing with this song. Except if I was feeling more spiritual, I would KNOW it was a message for me and be able to understand the message.

I have no idea what the message is in the recurrence of this song, but I will post the lyrics here so I can come back later and ponder the possibilities.

Photo by Sergio Larrain 

"I'm Like A Bird"

You're beautiful, that's for sure

You'll never ever fade

You're lovely, but it's not for sure

That I won't ever change

And though my love is rare

Though my love is true

I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away

I don't know where my soul is (Soul is)

I don't know where my home is

And baby, all I need for you to know is

I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away

I don't know where my soul is (Soul is)

I don't know where my home is

All I need for you to know is

Your faith in me brings me to tears (Oh)

Even after all these years, years

And it pains me so much to tell

That you don't know me that well

And though my love is rare

Though my love is true

I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away

I don't know where my soul is (Soul is)

I don't know where my home is

And baby, all I need for you to know is

I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away

I don't know where my soul is (Soul is)

I don't know where my home is

And baby, all I need for you to know is

It's not that I wanna say goodbye

It's just that every time you try

To tell me, me that you love me (Oh-oh)

Each and every single day

I know I'm gonna have to eventually

Give you away

And though my love is rare, rare, rare

And though my love is true, yeah

Hey, I'm just scared

That we may fall through

Yeah, yeah-yeah, yeah, yeah

I'm like a bird (I'm like a bird)

I don't know where my soul is (Soul is)

I don't know where my home is

And baby, all I need for you to know is

I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away

I don't know where my soul is (Soul is)

I don't know where my home is

And baby, all I need for you to know is

I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away

(I don't know where my soul is)

I don't know where my soul is (Soul is)

(I don't know where my home is, oh)

I don't know where my home is

And baby, all I need for you to know is

I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away

(I don't know where my soul is)

(I don't know where my home is)

I don't know where my soul is (Soul is)

I don't know where my home is

And baby, all I need for you to know is

I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away

I don't know where my soul is (Soul is)

I don't know where my home is

And baby, all I need for you to know is

I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away

I don't know where my soul is (Soul is)

I don't know where my home is

Kurt

30 years ago today...

I wonder what music you would have made had you not left the world too soon?

When I heard the news of your passing, I thought you were a selfish asshole.

Ever since you haunted my dreams, I don't feel that way anymore. 

You didn't kill yourself.

September 6, 2022

As I was waking I heard, "I didn't kill myself."

The Silent Maiden

The Silent Maiden by Keisot

 This image illustrates how I feel currently.

Limber Timber

Last night I listened to a video I made where I talked about a dream I had. As i listened, I thought, "I miss her."

I miss the one who used to talk about her dreams, wrote about all the things she was contemplating and wrote poetry about what she was feeling. I miss her dearly but I don't know how to bring her back.

The video was made September 9, 2022 before I went back to work. It feels like the other one exited when I had to go back to doing something for money instead of doing what feels good. There are advantages to having money for paying for the things we need, but when it's doing something that was never something I dreamed about, it's hard to get excited about it. It's just a task I do to make ends meet. It doesn't even pay enough for me to have the independence I would love to have.

Last night I dreamed about trying to nurse my daughter, but my breasts had no milk. In fact, they seemed to have become quite flat. I considered that I would have to work to try to bring the milk back.

I think the symbolism of this dream is talking about wanting to feed my inner child, but having nothing left inside. What I had to offer previously (writing, poetry, etc.) has dried up. I want to bring it back so I can feed myself, but it will take time and work towards that goal.

I don't know if I can bring it back. I want to, but it feels like part of me has died. Instead of healing on this spiritual journey, I feel deeply harmed by the last few years. 

Dream about River

Dream Journal Entry: December 16, 2023 

I dreamed about being back in highschool. I think I recall having attended a few classes at the beginning. It feels like I have missed some school and now have forgotten my locker number and the combination to the lock. I considered that I would have to go to the office to get the information again. 

It feels like I have some evening thing to attend at the school but I had taken a nap and overslept. I woke at 5:15pm and eventually remembered that it started at 5pm and I needed to already be there. I considered not going at all because, really, I didn't need to attend because I had already done it previously. It feels like I'm not there for me because at one point, I'm back at the school and I see River. It seems I have been waiting for him to talk to me. He is supposed to talk to me because I'm back in school to help him. I debated whether or not to say anything and then I finally opt to say something.

"Are you ever going to talk to me? If you don't talk to me, you are just going to die again like before. It's just going to happen again. I've been waiting for you to talk to me and you haven't. We're running out of time because you are about to die. It may already be too late." I said to him.

He looked at me and said, "Yes, I was planning to talk to you soon." And then I see him start to do a dance and I see words like on a TikTok video above him with an arrow that point to his shoes that said, "This is new". The dance turns into a tap dance of sorts and I noticed his shoes had a little bit higher heels. 

I walked away from him thinking that it might already be too late and I didn't need to go back to school. I didn't plan to go back. I had done my best to help, but I wasn't sure it was going to turn out as I had hoped.

I Wonder

I wonder to myself, "What's the point of any of it?"

"It's not about the destination but the journey," they say.

But is it really?

When the journey is so fucked up that parts of you that you love have fled, is the journey really so worthwhile? Right now, it doesn't feel like it.

If we create our own reality and my reality still isn't anywhere near what I would like for it to be, is it just because I suck ass at creating my own reality? 

I don't know.

Eleven years on the "spiritual journey" and I'm still basically in the same life I wanted to free myself from. I see no ending in sight or dramatic changes on the horizon. 

I feel like a slave and I wonder if I will ever be free.

Purple

Photo by Norman Parkinson 

 

Dream Journal Entry: November 6, 2023

Last night I dreamed about being in a place where the person there helped people find new housing that would be a good fit for them. My partner and I seem to be staying there until we find housing. We were sleeping and, when I woke, I saw the guy who was going to find us housing. There are other people here looking for housing, as well. The guy in charge of this seems pretty young, so I was surprised when a young boy comes out who appears to be his son. The placement coordinator is helping his son get ready for school. The boy is holding some sort of figurine type thing that is a Christmas scene. I commented on it and complemented it. I said that I liked it and especially liked the purple Christmas tree.  That's when I started looking around and noticed a pervading purple theme. Purple could be seen in the clothes of some characters and various items. That's when I smiled and said, "I noticed the purple theme in this movie. I really like it." I had a realization that I was calling the dream I was in a "movie". I understood it was a dream but called it a movie.

The man and I discussed some of the housing he had available and talked about a place that some people didn't want to live in because of barking dogs, etc. I told him that wouldn't bother me because I had my own dogs. I told him that I didn't like my current landlord and looked forward to gaining more favorable housing. 

The placement coordinator talked about when he first arrived in Oregon and what it was like finding housing. Apparently he hadn't been there very long, like maybe a couple of years or so. He said he really liked it in Oregon, but finding the right housing makes the experience better.

An older boy who is an older son shows up. Something if being said about him and his behavior sometimes. I remarked that he reminded me of the eldest boy in my nanny family. I think he might have been a young teen and I noticed his hair was a light ginger color. I can't remember anything else.

Loving the Tortoise Within

The other day I got a text from my employer which left me feeling upset. What she said triggered me to a point that I didn't sleep well. 

Basically she was saying that they need to cut labor costs and the way I did things had too many steps and takes too much time. This came after she let me know that the eggs she made for our cheddar, bacon, egg turnovers were dry and were going to be hard to make turnovers with. I said it wasn't a problem because I would just add milk and rescoop the eggs. Apparently adding milk and making them easier to work with was going to increase the cost of them too much.

In those moments, I felt ready to quit and find other employment. It felt like she wanted me to erase who I am and be exactly like her, like who I inherently am and what works for me isn't good enough.

I thought to myself, "She's a hummingbird and I'm a tortoise. She expects me to be exactly like her and I'm just not! She wants me to fly but I don't have wings because I'm a tortoise! I'm slow and that's just who I am."

My mind was flooded with memories of childhood and all of the times I tried so hard to be like everyone else, but failed. I was reminded of how much sadness and how many tears it brought when I wasn't as fast as everyone else. I remembered all of the end-of-the-school-year relay races I never won where I was practically last every time; all of the tests I was last finishing... sometimes I didn't have time to even finish; all of the times I was "too slow" in doing certain tasks at jobs. So many tears have been shed over being slow. So much hate was directed at myself for being slower than everyone else. Being slow made me feel "not good enough" throughout my life.

Being triggered and stewing over this incident with my employer caused me to identify the tortoise part of me I need to accept, appreciate, and love. 

Processing it all brought tears to my eyes as though I was still that wounded child feeling not good enough. In many ways, I AM still that child because that child still lives within me and I owe it to her to love her completely and unconditionally exactly as she is and tell her that her value isn't dependent on how fast or slow she is. 

Maybe not everyone will understand or value what she brings to the table, but I need to love and appreciate the tortoise part of us unconditionally. If I can't accept and value the tortoise aspect of us, I can't expect anyone else to.