Magic Mirror

I've noticed something curious, the past couple of days.

I've slipped and been compelled to defend you.

The thing is, me, when I am badbleubunny, is a manifestation of your own self loathing. I know that as fact. The hate comes easily and quickly. The venom is real enough when I'm Bleu. He hates you, the choices you have made, the lies you have told and he wants to hold you accountable. 

So when he suddenly felt compelled to defend you more than once, it gave me pause and I had to wonder why. 

But then I remembered how I have this ability to be kind of like a magic mirror of sorts. When I connect to people's energy, I have learned that I mirror back to them aspects of themselves. I never realized I was doing it until, not long ago, I had a friend I reconnected with who I hadn't talked to for ages. When I got his messages, I, oddly, felt apprehensive and a flee response. I didn't want to have to talk to him which was really unusual for me. I'm usually okay with talking to people, especially old friends. When he told me he was a triple Pisces, I then understood completely what was happening. I was feeling his own flee response. I was feeling his instinct to recoil from interaction. He had obviously resisted these urges in order to communicate with me, but I wasn't at all surprised when our communication abruptly stopped. Because I could feel his feelings as my own, I understood and didn't pursue further dialogue.

When I went to stay with my mother, I noticed a new problem of an urgency to pee and almost not making it to the toilet in time. It was peculiar, but I thought, perhaps, it was just because I am aging and these things sometimes happen. After all, my mother has incontinence issues, so maybe it runs in the family, right? 

When I moved back to Oregon, suddenly that urgency to pee and almost not making it to the bathroom disappeared entirely. Once I was away from her energy, the shared symptoms subsided.

And then there is you. 

How the fuck did I connect with your energy?

When did that happen?

How am I tied to you? 

Regardless of the "when", "how", and "why", something remarkable seems to be happening inside of you that is also affecting Bleu. It would seem you are hating yourself less. Maybe you are even coming to your own defense and standing up for yourself, which is beautiful, really. 

Bleu can only try to destroy you as long as you are doing that to yourself. As your thoughts towards yourself change, he changes, too. I didn't even know this was possible, but it is incredibly fascinating to witness as both participant and observer.

This is code for...

Maybe you thought we, as a whole, hated you, but we don't. Bleu is simply doing his job and Oktobre is allowing it. She still has love for you. She never stopped having love for you. If you are paying close attention to these blog posts, you already know that.

Congratulations on the progress you have made in loving yourself! I look forward to when Bleu can do nothing but love and support you.

...I love you. 😁

The Ten Year Challenge

Calliope, Muse of Epic Poetry - Charles Meynier

I never participate in those online challenges that everyone on social media seem to participate in. This post will be no exception. I don't need to show side-by-side photos of me ten years apart, but I will reflect on where I was ten years ago because it was already passing through my mind today.

Ten years ago, I was only just starting on my spiritual journey and it was a bit of a rocky start. When I say "spiritual journey" it really turned out to be a "self discovery" and "healing" journey. 

I had no idea ten years ago that I would ever eventually look at the images I have placed here and identify with them so deeply. I didn't consider myself a poet at all back then, even though I had written poetry and lyrics in the distant past. 

Erato, Muse of Lyrical Poetry - Charles Meynier

The person I am today would be unrecognizable to the person I was back then.

I can feel compassion for that old, broken and lost version of me from ten years ago, but I am very grateful I am no longer her. So many insecurities and so much self loathing is no longer present. I no longer look to others for emotional support I never got from them anyway. I no longer want so desperately to be understood that I explain myself endlessly. I no longer need anyone at all to like me but myself, so I no longer cling to relationships (friends, family, romantic) who are toxic and not balanced. I no longer feel it is my job to save anyone but myself. I no longer give away my time and energy to the point of depletion.

I no longer wish, on repeat, that I would die.

I'm content in my own company ten years later. I enjoy simple things in life and have so much gratitude for small things that I used to take for granted. I am secure in who I am and who I am becoming. I feel calm and relaxed most of the time, even in stressful situations. And even when I lose my temper, I'm able to come out of it quicker and make apologies if needed. 

I have come to know different facets of myself intimately in a way I had never dreamed possible before. I acknowledge them and allow them the freedom to express themselves as needed. It is in this knowing the other parts of me, masculine and feminine, wild and tame, sweet and sour, that I feel whole. No longer do I feel I have to be only one thing all the time. I can comfortably be both simultaneously.

I communicate more effectively now. I can now turn the shit in my life into fertilizer to help create beautiful expressions through prose. 

Edward John Poynter - Erato, Muse Of Poetry

I know the growing never ends and I am comfortable with that because it is easier for me to expand now that I am no longer encased in a hard exoskeleton. It's less painful now to make those adjustments and realizations of false beliefs that have held me back and let them go so I can install new programming and new beliefs.

Ten years ago I hated myself and wished I would die. I lived in the past and in the future as a fantasy in my head.

Ten years later, I love myself completely and want to live my simple life to the fullest and be fully present in every moment.

Who are you now compared to who you were ten years ago? 

How far have you come?

Do you love who you have become?

In The Wrong Closet

Man Ray, Silhouette of Lee Miller in Marseilles, 1930

Dream Journal Entry: January 13, 2022

I dreamed that I and another person had been staying in a hotel but it was time for us to leave. I was working hard to gather all of our belongings, which were a lot, to leave. I was feeling concerned that it might not all fit, but considered if I took it out of the boxes and stacked it inside the car one thing at a time, more would fit. We were moving to a permanent location. I wanted to see if we could stay another night, but we couldn't, so I had to hurry to get everything out in time. 

As I was preparing to leave, I saw how someone had made cake from a mix and left pieces of it behind inside the box. 

I saw a scene about two closets and someone is saying that they made a mistake putting this person in the wrong closet. One closet was shallow and had cleaning supplies, but the closet someone had been put into was deep and had stairs going down. I saw a white crumbling skull on a lower shelf and heard that the person who had been put in here didn't die, but now wanted revenge.

I think this dream is about accumulated baggage leaving us, and, in this case, it was quite a lot. Among the items being packed away and moved to a new permanent location were several bags of white flour and other items for baking. Everything from conversations we have to our creations can be seen as food we make that feeds us and others, so, some sort of food I have been making was no longer going to be made.

The two closets made me think about how the shallow one with cleaning supplies would have been easy to find the person again when they needed them to perform a cleaning task. We can clean by communicating our feelings effectively and some parts of us are better suited for the task than others. The closest they had been put in they got lost in and forgotten about. Somehow they survived it, but now there was this part that wanted revenge for having been locked in there for so long.

I used to have moving dreams all the time, but haven't had one for awhile until last night.

One by One

Photo by Harold Roth

One by one

I let them all go

Closing doors

On friends and foes

Some left me

Social media blocked

Some I shoved

Out the door I then locked

But I accepted

I set them free

I released them

So I could be me

Photo by Philippe Le Tellier

One by one

Recovering the pieces

Unfolding

And smoothing my creases

Old Mother Hubbard

 Has gone away

To clear out space

For the child to play

Teddy bear

Is now my only friend

I am whole

I no longer break, but bend

Photo by Henri Cartier-Bresson:

One by one

I gather my thoughts

Sowing seeds

For my written crops

Gratitude

Is ever present somehow

For small things

That make up my right now

I have changed

I'm not who you used to know

That one is dead

The soil from which I now grow

Photo by Pal-Nils Nilsson

One by one

I lay the bricks thrown at me to pave

A clear path

Where myself is the only one I need to save

I am trusting

That this path will lead to at least one

Deep connection

To reflect just how far we've come

So I hold on

To hope and a belief you exist

I hold on

To you, a dream I can't resist

Oktobre Taylor

Written: January 12, 2022

A Closer Look

Photo by Frank Navara

I have been thinking about this part of my dream from last night:

The first bit of dream had to do with a child I had been caring for whose penis had become detached. I told the parents they needed to take care of this issue right away or it may not be re-attachable later and it would be a problem for him as an adult. The penis, to me, represents our ability to give so it seems to suggest a problem with being able to give as an adult. To create energy flow, we need to be able to both give and receive.

On further examination, I was thinking about how a penis, like an electrical plug, acts as the means by which we connect, therefore, can be seen as also symbolizing a tool for connection. If a plug is missing, connection to an outlet (feminine) cannot be achieved. So, perhaps, the detached penis is representing a loss of ability to connect to others. The penis was still present, but needed help getting it to reattach.

I thought about how emotionally detached I have felt recently and how little motivation I feel to truly connect with anyone (other than my daughter) on a deeper level. A part of me is like that boy whose penis has become detached. I have released pretty much everyone. I don't have long engaging conversations, nor do I even try to connect anymore. In the dream it was something that needed to be addressed sooner rather than later.

My daughter asked me the other night before we went to bed, "What do you miss most about dating or having a partner? Do you miss cuddling and snuggling?"

I thought about her question and replied, "I never really dated. I slept with people once in awhile, but I didn't really date. What I have always, always wanted was to connect with someone deeply who I can have deep, meaningful and interesting conversations with for hours where we touch tenderly as we talk. I still want that but I can't say I miss it because I have never experienced it." Just because a person has been legally married to someone for 18 years doesn't mean there was ever any real connection at any point. That's where I am at...a lack of ability to attach or get excited about much of anything relationship related.

I feel myself closing off now. I don't really know how to counteract it, nor am I sure if I even want to anymore.

I don't know how to address the problem, but maybe I will dream an answer to it eventually.

A Warning Dream.

Dream Journal Entry: January 9, 2022

I just woke from a dream that I feel has to be written down now even though I would rather go back to sleep.

The first bit of dream had to do with a child I had been caring for whose penis had become detached. I told the parents they needed to take care of this issue right away or it may not be re-attachable later and it would be a problem for him as an adult. The penis, to me, represents our ability to give so it seems to suggest a problem with being able to give as an adult. To create energy flow, we need to be able to both give and receive.

I then remember something about trying to recharge some battery to get something working again. Maybe it was my phone but I can't remember clearly now.

Then there was a scene where I am seeing a younger version of Brandon Lee before he started acting. This version has very big blue eyes. In waking life, his eyes were green. Blue is the color of communication and could be about seeing communication clearly.

I then see another older version of him working on a film and doing choreographed martial arts for the cameras. 

The scene jumps and now he is here with me along with his younger brother (he doesn't have a younger brother in waking life). They have come to me because I am helping them. The younger brother is sulking and moody. He is making it clear that he doesn't want to be here. I am talking to him and trying to assure him everything was going to be okay and we were all working on helping them both. He is saying he doesn't like the smell here, that it smells old and he didn't like it.

I suddenly realized I had dreamed about this very scene before about this brother and what we were experiencing. It took me by surprise so much that I felt unstable, briefly, and had to hold onto something to balance myself. I told them that I dreamed this very scene before. I agreed with him that it wasn't nice here and smelled bad and asked him to follow me and talk while I went to a nearby coffee shop to get coffee. We got to the coffee shop, but then realized I had forgotten my money back at the room. The coffee shop was quite busy so I would have to wait a little bit before I could get service, so I left and planned to come right back.

I seem to be getting dressed as I am talking. Brandon and the younger brother are with me. The younger brother is saying how their sister, Shannon, was saying we had to leave that town by 10:00 a.m. the next day or Brandon would die again. She said that he has died twice before and they were trying to prevent him from dying this time. He also complained about Shannon being controlling and trying to mother them all the time. 

I told them that we had already made plans to go to an apartment in a different city, but hadn't planned to leave so soon. I told him we could adjust plans and work it out so that we could save Brandon from dying again this time around.

I'm not sure what the dream means, but I felt like I needed to write it down while I could remember. 

I guess I have to try to understand what Brandon represents to me to fully understand and I haven't quite sorted that out other than I find his energy very calming.

Note to Self, Make Them Birds

Cuckmere by Matthew Piper

Sometimes we come to a point on our journey in which we have gone as far as we can on a specific path, but there isn't a clear path forward.

It's at that point we have to allow ourselves to lay down what we have been working on and create a new path forward of our own making. It won't look familiar because no one but us have been on this path before.

Maybe this is why I am so fond of birds. 😁

Attribution Unknown

Photo by Ondřej Růžička

Self Discovery Through Dreams

The Kiss by Frank Horvat

Dream Journal Entry: January 5, 2022

Last night I dreamed of my old flame, Jason. I don't dream of him often, so it was curious that I did. 

In the dream I am in bed with him and noticed he was naked. He is trying to be intimate with me, which surprised me. I wasn't sure how to react and felt awkward since it had been such a long time since I had kissed anyone. Our last interaction in real life was contentious and combative, at best. In the dream, he mentioned something about fucking me and my mother like he did last time while I was sleeping. 

At times I saw myself from an outside perspective. My hair was quite long, hanging freely, covering part of my face which I guessed was showing me how that part of me hides a little bit. I was surprised at how soft and pretty I looked. Jason remained naked for part of the time and still seemed interested in being with me physically. He moved to try to kiss me again, but I moved away from him, saying I had to do some things. I wanted to kiss him but held myself back.

I found myself in another room getting cleaning supplies to do some mopping. Jason is now dressed and he is offering to help me. I tell him he doesn't have to help, but he is insisting. I don't remember anything else from that dream.

In an earlier dream I was trying to help someone with their wedding preparations. I was helping get things together while chaos was ensuing around me. There was something about getting some makeup for the bride. There were people who didn't like me and were trying to get in the way simply because they didn't like me. I had angry interactions with several people and the aggression was starting to get physical, only I was stronger than them and they were scared of me. I remember one of the people I battled was Lynn. She looks a lot like Alexandra Grant. 

I remember hearing something about there being a food shortage of some kind and I am seeing what I think looks like the back of a semi truck  back end in a vertical position. I have this knowing about it being a vehicle to transport food. This truck was at full dump position and something was said about it is uncertain what will happen at this point. I am seeing the potential for the truck holding its vertical position and being okay and then also seeing it falling over, in which case, all would be lost and people would be without food.

There was a bit where I was trying to say "god" but accidentally said, Mike, which was the name of one of the people in my view. I laughed at my own blunder and said I should always call "god" Mike now.

Art by Irina Vitalievna Karkabi

The Interpretation:

Real life Jason is sun sign Scorpio. Scorpio happens to rule my house of love in both tropical and vedic astrology. This is a pretty big clue as to what this dream was about. I was dreaming about my house of love where the masculine planet of Mars is ruler for me. Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. Mars symbol is literally the same as the one for male and Venus' symbol is the same as female.  The outside Jason couldn't exist in my world without there being first an inside one.

What I looked like when I met Jason in 1994.

In real life, we had a short romance in the early 90s just before I moved away from where he lived. He seemed to like me SO much and that scared the shit out of me. The little asshole inside my house of love was very guarded. The real Jason tried to stay in touch, but I ghosted him.

My little Jason in my house of love didn't know how to handle being liked that much.

Fast forward almost 20 years later when I sent out a signal looking for him because I felt bad about running away. I wanted to reconnect. And much to my amazement, I actually found him again and we started talking. I flew to Las Vegas for a night to see his band perform. The little asshole inside of me was now manifesting as a big asshole outside of me. Little asshole rejected him back then, and this time the big asshole rejected me because I didn't look like I did back then anymore. 

Me & real life Jason in April 2012

The thing is, Jason on the outside was showing me how my Jason on the inside was treating that beautiful inner soft feminine who was sort of hiding behind her hair. Inner Jason wasn't very kind to her or very fair. Inner Jason was talking about being with her mother while she was sleeping. Parts of us, our souls...the kinder gentler parts of us...lay sleeping until we can find them and wake them up again. The mother is the original unhealed me, but she had given birth to that kinder, gentler part of self, hence waking her up.

He came to me naked, which could represent exposing himself emotionally in a way he hadn't before. My fifth house inner masculine has been stepping forward and taking over at times and it has been a very interesting experience, to say the least. To be aware of him and listen to him is a wild ride, at times. He is very different to that softer, kinder feminine part of my fifth house. His interests are different and he is more crude and vulgar at times, but I love the contrast. He isn't as interested in spiritual things, but he does love to laugh and play.

With this new astrological understanding and examination of my dream and inner self, I am now thinking about all of those twin dreams I have had and the one about two lions. In my tropical chart I have almost no fire, but when I switch to vedic, I now see two Leo placements...two lions. And instead of the Cancer ascendant I have in western astrology, I now have Gemini, the twins, in Eastern astrology.

Salomé by Vittorio Zecchin, 1913

Know thy self.

Astrology and our planetary placements can help us look at ourselves and get to know ourselves better. My dreams have been trying to speak of these placements, but I wasn't understanding that's what I was seeing. There is something that can be learned and gained by studying both tropical and vedic astrology birth charts to help us better understand our leanings and tendencies based on the influence a planet has in the house it lands in.

Astrology can be seen as very much like deconstructing a recipe that is us to understand each ingredient that makes us who we are as a flavor. Dreams can help us see those astrological placements in a moving picture way to help us see where and how we can bring more balance to a specific house. My inner Jason, the Scorpio, is sort of an asshole and he wants to connect with that part of himself who is softer and gentler, but he doesn't entirely know how to do it. In his warped thinking, physical intimacy IS connection, but it isn't to her. She needs more and needs to connect more deeply before she gives of herself physically.

The semi truck with it's trailer standing vertical seems to be talking about balancing feminine and masculine. The feminine is good at providing food for the soul, but if they, together as one thing, lose balance, the inner population will starve. This is when we become depleted energetically, so it is important to be ones own balanced fuel source. We don't need to take from others to keep going. When balanced, we become like an off grid homestead where we are fully independent, growing our own food and bringing in our own self generated electricity. Sure, we can connect to outside sources and exchange goods should we choose, but we are no longer dependent on others for our well-being. We no longer look outside of self for love, comfort, validation, support, encouragement, approval, etc. We have all of those resources internally and there is no lack of it.

Art by Irina Vitalievna Karkabi

I know there is still plenty of gardening I need to do internally, but I have come so far from that point in which my outer Jason harshly rejected me and that is a really beautiful place to be. My inner Jason has come a long way from where he used to be, and even though he can still be an asshole, I can honestly say I love him and am grateful for his presence which has helped us all grow.