Are You Still There?

Photo by Gus&Lo

I want to write something, but I don't really know what. I wanted to reach inside and connect with that part of myself who seems to be MIA at the moment...the writer, the poet, the dreamer. 

I had some quiet moments outside when the morning sun was shining between the leaves casting lace-like shadows on everything. A cool, gentle breeze caressed me and I could almost feel her. And just as I was ready to start typing, life had other plans and my sublime peace was interrupted. 

"I will just come back to it," I thought to myself, but that magical moment and feeling had come and gone. 

When I returned to the house, the same feeling I had earlier was no longer present.

So, now, I sit outside in the darkness typing this on my phone. 

I think about you often lately. "You" know who you are...the one who haunts my dreams no matter how much distance I have tried to put between us in my thoughts. I dream AS you and about you and I still have no idea why. 

Well, that's not entirely true. I think I do know why but it's more like, why are we still at a distance from each other? Why aren't we sitting on a Pacific Northwest porch watching the sun come up while we have our morning coffee? Why aren't we living in a cozy house together, sharing stories about our lives and connecting in a way we never have with anyone else? 

I've tried to push away thinking of you in "that way" but little things trigger memories of dreams which tell me that I know...I have always known...my oat milk is you.

You are the one I keep saying I don't want but I know when I do finally taste you, I won't be able to get enough of you. We are a 97% match. That's what the dreams say about us. I'm no expert, but I think that sounds like a pretty good match.

Are you still there?

Are you still reading me?

If you are, I just want to say, I love you.

In-between Communication: November 8, 2022

As I was coming out of sleep I heard, "He put a spell on you."
"He put a spell on me?" I asked.
"Yes."
"Why would he put a spell on me." I asked.
I heard, "So that you would love him."
"But I already loved him," I replied.
I heard, "That's why it worked and amplified."

Dream Journal Entry: February 2, 2019

People were mad at me because I had fucked up some wedding. I am not sure how I had fucked it up. The bride was furious. She was one of those people who love a lot of excess and she had set up all of this unnecessary stuff and steps for the wedding. Like there was some weird scene of acting something out and changing clothes almost like a fashion show. Somehow I fucked it all up and her entire family were angry at me and I was trying to get away because some of them were so pissed that now they were trying to shoot at me.

Then, later, I am someplace with an ex friend only she wasn't ex in the dream. We see this guy who is famous for his story. Apparently he had gotten into a horrible accident and survived it. He had written about his experience and the book had become really popular and everyone seemed to know who he was. But it seemed like he wasn't actually wealthy and seemed really unhappy. He looked almost like a homeless man. He had lost the use of his legs in the accident.

Beth kept telling me to ask him specific questions. I said no, that if she wanted to know, she should ask the questions herself. I think I made a move to leave and walked by him and through the door...only I am struggling to get through the door and I fell down. The guy is coming outside too and we meet. I apologized for being in the way of the door. He was saying that he was trying to get to his equipment to try to take some shots but he didn't think he would be able to make it over in time to capture the specific lighting.

Now, at this point, I already feel very attracted to him. It was overwhelming and instantaneous but I tried to not reveal it because I had only just met him. I offered to help him to where his camera equipment was set up and he agrees to the help offered. I asked Beth to help me. She got on one side and I got on the other and we walk him over. He takes the shots and wants to go somewhere else. Beth is now gone. I have no idea where she has gone, but I get behind him and hold him and together we are moving forward. It is like he is using my legs. I feel concerned if I will be able to keep my balance while holding him and allowing him to use my legs. He takes a step and I see I am wearing high heels and he has stepped into a bit of mud and I warn him. We ended up falling over but we laughed about it because we were together and it was clear we both liked each other.

He then revealed that he feels extremely aroused by me and it was something he hadn't experienced since the accident. He said that if he had a dick it would be hard but all he had were balls now. I told him that I felt the same way, highly aroused, since I had been near him. It was an instantaneous attraction... something neither of us had experienced before. I think I called him Matt, funny enough. The name Matthew means, "gift of YAHWEH". 

He was entirely bald as a result of his injuries. I made it clear that his lack of penis didn't matter to me and that I didn't want to part from him. We both seemed happier as a result of meeting. There was something about possibly needing to cut some part of him off and I said that shouldn't be necessary since they can make all kinds of tools to help people with injuries now. I knew I didn't want to part from him ever. I think I woke about there.

Oat Milk

My usual order is always a "16 ounce whole milk latte". Baristas repeatedly mishear me and think that I say, "oat milk". I frequently have to correct them and say, "No, WHOLE milk". 

The other day I went out with my daughter and told the barista "my usual" and quickly rattled off my usual order thinking it was automatic that she would remember it was whole milk and not oat milk since she had taken the same order just the day before.

I sat at a table chatting with my daughter and sipping my latte. I took note that my latte tasted better than usual and mentioned how good it was. With each sip, my taste buds came alive with the delicious flavors. When I was halfway through my latte, I noticed the sticker that said OAT MILK instead of whole milk. I was stunned at this revelation.

I said, "Oh my God! It's an oat milk latte!" and laughed that I was enjoying it so much. 

My daughter laughed at me about  how all of this time they kept trying to give me oat milk and I was adamant that it needed to be whole milk. This is the first time I actually tried an oat milk latte thanks to a happy accident.

The next time we went to our local coffee shop, I ordered a " 16 ounce OAT MILK latte" and smiled widely at my daughter when I did. She was amused that my order has now changed after so often refusing oat milk.

While I was working, I started thinking about this happy accident and the potential symbolism that the experience was trying to teach me. I considered that maybe there was someone out there who is my oat milk that maybe I'm rejecting in some way, that maybe there was someone I would really enjoy if I unknowingly gave them a chance.

I told my daughter about this theory and now we jokingly refer to an ideal partner as "oat milk". lol 

New Landlord

Dream Journal Entry: March 21, 2025

What I remember of dreams is something about someone being offered a cucumber that had been soaked in alcohol. He told the person offering it to him that he was a recovering alcoholic and couldn't have any of it. It feels like a there is a gathering of people in the location but not necessarily a party. I think the cucumber was offered more than once and declined repeatedly. 

It feels like there is a group of us in a house. There are talks of having to pack up and go elsewhere but some were planning to stay.  But then this woman comes in saying that she is the daughter of the landlord of this house. She informed us that her father had died and that this place was now hers and that all of us needed to vacate. I remember thinking it was going to be a challenge to pack everything quickly and leave. 

I then remember seeing some people that work for the new landlord come up to a man and woman who were sitting. I was seeing them through a window. A man approaches the sitting man and it appears the sitting man is injected with something and he slumps over. It feels like the ones who refuse to leave are being exterminated. The woman beside him is spared for some reason. 

I am seeing a very long strand of hair being wound up along with a string. As it is being wound up, it is gathering other hairs that were loose on the floor. I don't know what this is symbolism for. 

At some point, just before I woke, I am now seeing a tall slender white candle burning. Purification?

Interpretation: I think the dream could be about someone clearing out the old inhabitants of themselves. The old landlord (aka old self) died and new version of them took over who worked at clearing the space. The person who spoke of being a recovering alcoholic might literally be talking about a person who has taken steps to stop drinking. Maybe the long hair represents gathering up loose threads, loose ends and wraps it all up in a single continuous action. I'm not sure. It doesn't feel like the dream is about me. 

Bait and Switch

Art by Chie Yoshii

Dream Journal Excerpt: March 20, 2025 As I was starting to wake from dreams that had Keanu in them I heard, "I want a partner, not a hospice nurse." I replayed the sentence in my head trying to figure it out, but drifted back to sleep where I dreamed about Keanu more.

Interpretation: Upon waking fully, I remembered the sentence I heard in the middle of the night. Was it talking about someone who was literally experiencing hospice care? I then remembered that I had recently had a video come up in my TikTok "for you" page of a hospice nurse I followed because she told such beautiful and poignant stories about her hospice work, but this recent video was her jumping on the TikTok shop bandwagon where she was trying to sell people shit. I went to her page to see what was up and was dismayed to see that the touching stories about dying were now gone and in their place was trashy sales pitches for a plethora of random products.

I recoiled at what I saw. It was gross. I immediately unfollowed her, but feared that her videos might still show in my FYP, so I blocked her as well.

Maybe what I heard is how Keanu feels about Alexandra. Maybe she pulled a bait and switch like Hospice Nurse Marxx did where she seemed deeper in the beginning and then flipped to only wanting to promote products and make money. I can only guess. Since I am going through a divorce, I know what I heard has nothing to do with me and my life. I still don't understand why I dream of Keanu and his life, but I do. It's weird.

I Still Dream as You

There's not really much to say. I suppose I just want to document this more for myself than anything, but in case you come here and happen to still read me, I type this here for you, too.

I still dream AS you. I dream as her, too, at times, but it's mostly from your eyes I see in dreams. I wasn't sure at first, because it's not always obvious. I feel like me but see and experience things that don't match with my reality. 

Like the time I dreamed about how I considered cutting my hair short again but thought, "No, I've already done that. I'm going to let my hair grow back out." I know that's not me because my hair has always been long. 

I saw a scene on a screen where someone seemed to be pointing to me and referring to me as someone's twin but it was a recording and I thought they must be referring to you because of who I saw next. I saw her but her face morphed into an exaggerated grotesque version of her. I remember thinking, "Oh! This is how he sees her."

What I am left wondering is, if that is true, why do you continue your path next to her? Why don't you do anything to change it? 

I don't know why I keep dreaming from your point of view. Maybe you have some ideas and can fill me in.

The End is the Beginning

 Dream Journal Entry: April 10, 2019

"They harvested my eggs a long time ago. When they use my eggs, they will try to keep those who are related, together as a family."

I was telling someone this as I was trying to find a calendar in which I charted out a specific date. I wanted to show them that on my calendar I have it listed as "beginning time" or something similar. People had been thinking it would be the end, but it was really the beginning of new way of doing things.

I dreamed a lot about what seemed like aliens only they were likely just a more advanced version of ourselves. 

There was this place you could go and spend time with animals. They were kept inside and were animals who needed extra love. I think one of the animals next to me was a black giraffe and it was laying on a bed next to me.

It was at this place that I saw what looked like glowing people appear and were talking to the owner. Someone said, "You aren't supposed to be able to see them." So after that I pretended I didn't see them even though I did.

There was something about operating some craft and going into the sky. I was with other people who are in my class. We weren't sure where to go so came back to the place where the animals had been. Secret classes were being held there. Now I see several of these glowing beings and it is obvious I can see them. I make eye contact with them. They all looked quite old, like maybe they didn't have a long time left so they needed to pass what they new onto others. One of these people reached out and did something energetically with my heart. I guessed she was trying to fix a problem that existed.

I had this sense that because of my discovery, things were going to change. These beings wouldn't hide anymore and the information would be taught openly to everyone rather than just a select few. 

I remember trying to write my dad's address for some reason and this young woman, who I identify as being a similar age to me, shows up with a friend and was asking me to guess how they go there. She turned up again later where there was snow asking me why it is she isn't wet from the snow. I was annoyed with her. I know she had used the abilities she had been taught. I scolded her saying, "Stop being an asshole. You know how hard all of this has been for me. This isn't amusing."

There are lots of details I know I am missing, but basically I was left with the sense that things would be very different soon. What was once hidden will be out in the open. Everything would be done differently going forward as a result.

Keys

Recently, I've been obsessed with buying old skeleton keys. Every time I go to a vintage store, I search for old skeleton keys. I had no idea why until last night.

Last night I dreamed about going to a prison and providing the tools and means for everyone to break free from their confines. I woke up, thought about the dream and then went back to sleep where I basically had the exact same dream. 

I considered the potential meaning of what I saw and then it dawned on me what the keys represent that I have been obsessed with collecting.

The keys represent the tools and means to free my internal prisoners, the parts of me that have been caged. With each affirmation that I give and repeat to myself, with each outing I take to explore and enjoy my "right here, right now", I am giving my internal prisoners the means to break free.

🗝️"Everything always works out for me. I am very lucky."

🗝️"Unexpected abundance comes to me daily."

🗝️"True love exists outside of me because true love exists within me."

🗝️"I am loved and supported."

Each one of these is a mantra, an affirmation that is a key to free different aspects of self.

Recently, I have added, "Everything I spend or give away comes back to me threefold."

I've added this new key to help me move past the guilt and shame I have always felt for spending anything for "frivolities" and "unnecessary items". I have lived for a very long time in a mental state of lack where there's always a fear of not having enough money to take care of needs let alone little luxuries. I have deferred my needs to make sure other people's needs were met.

In recent months, my daughter and I go off on small adventures where we explore areas of our metro area we haven't explored before, shop vintage stores for little trinkets and pause to have a meal at a restaurant. I believe these little acts of kindness to myself have helped start to heal a part of me who has lived from a place of lack.

I have felt a lot of anger over my husband abruptly moving in with his affair partner. When I was not raging or triggered, I asked myself what the true face of my rage was, because I don't actually care he has found someone else. The source of my rage came from fear. I couldn't see it at first. My rage was from fear of becoming homeless because my whole life became destabilized by his actions. My rage came from fear of the future and the uncertainties. 

Once I recognized where my rage was stemming from, I was able to start to dismantle it through the keys I have been giving my internal prisoners.  I am learning to not worry, to believe everything will always work out for me. I am learning to believe that abundance comes to me easily. I don't have to live from a place of fear and lack ever again.