Are You Still There?

Photo by Gus&Lo

I want to write something, but I don't really know what. I wanted to reach inside and connect with that part of myself who seems to be MIA at the moment...the writer, the poet, the dreamer. 

I had some quiet moments outside when the morning sun was shining between the leaves casting lace-like shadows on everything. A cool, gentle breeze caressed me and I could almost feel her. And just as I was ready to start typing, life had other plans and my sublime peace was interrupted. 

"I will just come back to it," I thought to myself, but that magical moment and feeling had come and gone. 

When I returned to the house, the same feeling I had earlier was no longer present.

So, now, I sit outside in the darkness typing this on my phone. 

I think about you often lately. "You" know who you are...the one who haunts my dreams no matter how much distance I have tried to put between us in my thoughts. I dream AS you and about you and I still have no idea why. 

Well, that's not entirely true. I think I do know why but it's more like, why are we still at a distance from each other? Why aren't we sitting on a Pacific Northwest porch watching the sun come up while we have our morning coffee? Why aren't we living in a cozy house together, sharing stories about our lives and connecting in a way we never have with anyone else? 

I've tried to push away thinking of you in "that way" but little things trigger memories of dreams which tell me that I know...I have always known...my oat milk is you.

You are the one I keep saying I don't want but I know when I do finally taste you, I won't be able to get enough of you. We are a 97% match. That's what the dreams say about us. I'm no expert, but I think that sounds like a pretty good match.

Are you still there?

Are you still reading me?

If you are, I just want to say, I love you.

In-between Communication: November 8, 2022

As I was coming out of sleep I heard, "He put a spell on you."
"He put a spell on me?" I asked.
"Yes."
"Why would he put a spell on me." I asked.
I heard, "So that you would love him."
"But I already loved him," I replied.
I heard, "That's why it worked and amplified."

Dream Journal Entry: February 2, 2019

People were mad at me because I had fucked up some wedding. I am not sure how I had fucked it up. The bride was furious. She was one of those people who love a lot of excess and she had set up all of this unnecessary stuff and steps for the wedding. Like there was some weird scene of acting something out and changing clothes almost like a fashion show. Somehow I fucked it all up and her entire family were angry at me and I was trying to get away because some of them were so pissed that now they were trying to shoot at me.

Then, later, I am someplace with an ex friend only she wasn't ex in the dream. We see this guy who is famous for his story. Apparently he had gotten into a horrible accident and survived it. He had written about his experience and the book had become really popular and everyone seemed to know who he was. But it seemed like he wasn't actually wealthy and seemed really unhappy. He looked almost like a homeless man. He had lost the use of his legs in the accident.

Beth kept telling me to ask him specific questions. I said no, that if she wanted to know, she should ask the questions herself. I think I made a move to leave and walked by him and through the door...only I am struggling to get through the door and I fell down. The guy is coming outside too and we meet. I apologized for being in the way of the door. He was saying that he was trying to get to his equipment to try to take some shots but he didn't think he would be able to make it over in time to capture the specific lighting.

Now, at this point, I already feel very attracted to him. It was overwhelming and instantaneous but I tried to not reveal it because I had only just met him. I offered to help him to where his camera equipment was set up and he agrees to the help offered. I asked Beth to help me. She got on one side and I got on the other and we walk him over. He takes the shots and wants to go somewhere else. Beth is now gone. I have no idea where she has gone, but I get behind him and hold him and together we are moving forward. It is like he is using my legs. I feel concerned if I will be able to keep my balance while holding him and allowing him to use my legs. He takes a step and I see I am wearing high heels and he has stepped into a bit of mud and I warn him. We ended up falling over but we laughed about it because we were together and it was clear we both liked each other.

He then revealed that he feels extremely aroused by me and it was something he hadn't experienced since the accident. He said that if he had a dick it would be hard but all he had were balls now. I told him that I felt the same way, highly aroused, since I had been near him. It was an instantaneous attraction... something neither of us had experienced before. I think I called him Matt, funny enough. The name Matthew means, "gift of YAHWEH". 

He was entirely bald as a result of his injuries. I made it clear that his lack of penis didn't matter to me and that I didn't want to part from him. We both seemed happier as a result of meeting. There was something about possibly needing to cut some part of him off and I said that shouldn't be necessary since they can make all kinds of tools to help people with injuries now. I knew I didn't want to part from him ever. I think I woke about there.