When They Just Won't Change

Anna Christenson, Two of Swords

Seven months I was away from my old life. I thought I was leaving it for good, but, as it turns out, the grass really isn't greener on the other side. The time I had away made me appreciate things, experiences, etc. that I had available to me in my old life that wasn't available in the new one. The limitations I experienced were even more extreme than the life I left behind.

I returned to the old life thinking that the person I would have to, once again, cohabitate with had maybe gained a new perspective about things the same way I had. So, when the opportunity arose for my daughter and I to return to Oregon to our old life, I jumped on it. I was tired of fighting with my mother and watching her be horrible to my daughter. The last big fight was the straw that drove me into swift action.

We have been back a week and it feels almost like we never left and like his perspective never changed a single bit. My daughter, also, was hopeful that her father's perspective would have changed, that he would be more interested in her, that he would start choosing to do some of the things with her that she wants to do. Before, they always did what he wanted to do. Conversations were always centered around him and he barely spoke to her if I was around.

Sadly, for both of us, he hasn't changed. Not even a little bit.

I told her on one of our walks around the neighborhood, “We have to be the ones to change. Just because he hasn't changed doesn't mean we can't. We don't have to allow things to fall into being exactly what it was before. If we change, it won't be the same."

It's bad enough to know that I basically married my mother. He is similar to her in so many ways and I would have never discovered that had I not spent that time with my mother. Which mother do I choose to be with? Which is the lesser of the two evils? 

As it turned out, for me, I'd rather be in Oregon cohabitating with a man I don't want to be married to because...I love Oregon. I love the pines, the mountains, the air, the rain, the green, the beaches. I have always loved this area and so coming back to it was a no-brainer after seven months in a state I have always despised.

What has changed for me is that I no longer have the autopilot voice in my head wishing I was dead on an endless loop. That voice was stilled and went away, thankfully. I think that voice kept me physically ill for a long time. I appreciate the little things that give me pleasure even more now. I walk around our neighborhood and just feel so grateful to have a proper neighborhood again. I feel grateful for the friendly people who say hello. I feel grateful to have more variety of shops available to me again. There are so many little things I took for granted before that I no longer do.

Obviously, it's not perfect being back, but I'm determined that I will take my own advice and make sure I change even if he never does. I will work to gain some independence by going back to work and eventually creating a life of my own in my beloved Pacific Northwest away from both versions of my mother. It won't be instantaneous, but I'm in a different place mentally now. I have the confidence and strength to take action towards building the life I want now. 

I can feel Oktobre more now that I am back in a climate and environment that feeds my soul. She felt far away and almost inaccessible at times while I was in Missouri. I missed her, so I am trying to make sure she is able to take the driver's seat more often now. It's time.