Root Chakra Dream

Dream Journal Entry: December 29, 2021

I dreamed about K. He was trying to prepare something special for me. It wasn't turning out as he had hoped. I remember seeing some sort of mix having been spilled down a grill and having cooked in a blob at the bottom. There was cookie dough covering house slippers and I worked to take some of it off. He bought me an outfit to put on, so I did. It was silky red pants and a matching red themed robe like top with a pattern similar to a kimono but it hung loose and free. I put it on and waited for him to bring me the food he had been working on, but J came home before he had a chance to give it to me. J had crashed into the garage door with her car somehow and now it was open for the students to traipse through to another part of the school. J started noticing things K had put together and was getting upset. I tried to calm her down and assure her everything was okay. She was saying something about having ordered pants but they hadn't arrived. I could tell she was wondering if the pants I was wearing belonged to her. I looked down and considered it but these pants fit me perfectly and would have been too long if they had been the ones she ordered. I remember something about putting some clips in a drawer and trying to clean up the mess from K's attempt at cooking me something.  I was concerned about J being upset, then suddenly there was this guy there who started throwing moving paper wrapped large vases at me. I caught each one easily and set them aside.

The scene jumps and now there is this younger beautiful woman being presented to me to be intimate with. I didn't know what to do and tried being intimate with her but I had to admit that, no matter how pretty she was, I was more attracted to opposite gender bodies for physical intimacy. So I stopped and moved away from her. There were students still using the space to take a shortcut to the other parts of the school. one of them offered me some sort of scrubs. The first one I put on my arms I think was orange in color. The second one offered that I put on was a deeper blue.

Cold Cocoon by Dana Marié Borbely

It was at this point I came in contact with a woman in what looks like a hospital bed. She appears to be terminally ill and looks like it could be cancer because she is wearing a wrap to cover her head as people often do when their hair has fallen out from chemo. I started talking to her. I saw a picture of a man and boy and ask her if that is her family. She told me, yes, but that her husband and son were dead now. I asked her how they died and if they had had the same illness as her. Apparently they had only recently died in a car accident. I told her how sorry I was for her loss and wanted to give her a hug but wasn't sure what she would be okay with with Covid restrictions and precautions and all. She confessed that what she would like very much is if I would actually kiss her on the lips because it had been a long time since anyone had, so I pressed my lips to hers while I hugged her gently. I felt concerned that I might be getting some of the orange and blue scrubs on my arms on her. We started talking about spirits and I talked a little about some of my experiences with them. She lit up when she talked about experiences she felt were her son and husband coming to let her know they were still with her.

I think I woke up there.

Notes:

The red clothes suggest this dream was all about the root chakra. J, in real life, killed herself, so I think she represents the self loathing of the person who I feel I was dreaming from within. I never realized that is what she represents before. He has an unhealthy commitment to self loathing and self destructive thoughts. She represents the old feminine and I represent the incoming more healed and balanced energy that the masculine was trying to connect with but, once again, self loathing got in the way. 

I can't quite understand the wrapped flower pots being thrown at me and what their symbolism might be. Maybe it will come to me later.

Root chakra deals in matters of sexual instinct and for the me in that person, I preferred to connect with bodies of the opposite gender which indicates a sexuality preference of whomever it was about.

The orange and deep blue scrub might suggest deep communication about relationships or creativity that was cleansing for the root chakra of this person.

The terminal woman also represents a part of the self of an individual who has lost people close to them. She might be seen as grief relating to a loss but she is terminal because of new found spiritual hope. The terminal woman desperately wanted to feel human touch and connection. The grief of the person I was dreaming from wants to be touched, kissed and held by another. That might show up in a shadow aspect of seeking sex with random people in an attempt to satisfy grief, when really what is needed is deep communication (orange and deep blue scrub) about the grief.

Edited to add:

I shared this dream with a friend in private chat, at which point, I remembered a bit of dream that feels significant in the realizations I made here about what J represents.

Based on this new realization, I think the second layer of meaning of what Kurt Cobain represents for me is the same as J. I thought Kurt represented only music, but he could easily be seen as representing self loathing and self destructive thoughts and behaviors. I, too, had a long term relationship with self loathing and self destructive thoughts, but that relationship seems to have shifted.... like by trying to understand him (my thoughts) he was able to change within me.

Not long ago, I had this dream about feeding this coyote and a pink fluffy labradoodle. People were concerned that I was feeding the coyote, that it would harm me and maybe the dog, as well. The coyote was, indeed, aggressive in it's play, but it wasn't intentionally trying to hurt me. People didn't think I should be feeding the coyote, but I had this knowing that if I did continue to feed him, he would become as tame as the dog.

Those thoughts inside don't need to be locked away but need to be given love, attention and understanding, too. When we do, we tame the wildness inside that threatens to devour us from the inside out.

Fully Healing

Photo by Mitch Dobrowner

They said this morning, "You'll both fully heal when you come together."

When is that going to be? When are we going to come together? I'd really like to know. It feels like the ball is in your court here and I'm just waiting for you to be brave enough to finally make a move towards me. 

Photo by Eloïse Capet

I'm sure we both know there is much to discuss, things to be revealed. I know there's a lot you can fill me in on that I am blind about right now. I've been feeling my way along in the dark, hoping it gets me where I need to be eventually.

But I know you know the magnitude of what this is...what we are to each other. It's easy to be calm about it because it doesn't feel entirely real yet. It doesn't feel like a solidified physical thing part of this reality because we've only met in dreams in this lifetime.

Photo by Joakim Möller

I want to fully heal, don't you? So what are you waiting for?

It's time to come together.

It Doesn't Feel Like Christmas

Back in Missouri, we left the Christmas tree up that we put up early at my mom's. When we got back to Oregon, we were surprised by the lack of Christmas decorations. It looked nice, but no Christmas decor which we simply accepted.

So today, there is no tree, no wrapped presents, no special dinner and Inara's father had to work. It feels like just another day, but we are in Oregon, which is the best gift of all, so I am happy.

I spent Christmas Eve reading through some of my writings from over the summer. It amazes me how quickly my memory slips and it feels as though someone else wrote the words I'm reading. If I hadn't signed my own name at the end, I would think someone else was the author. So much valuable advice and beautiful poems that come from what I am experiencing in the moment and my mind seems to let it flutter away until I read it again.

Sometimes I remember random bits from dreams, in-between communication and conversations I have had with people. I don't really have conversations much anymore. I let almost all of my friendships dissolve and end. Most of the time I am okay with just my own company, my daughter and our furry family, but last night and this morning I was wishing I had at least one person who I was close enough to to call and talk with... maybe even invite over to have coffee and a conversation in person.

One of the things I wrote and reread talked about how we should be creating healthy connections with others, which I have failed at. I used to connect a lot with others, but I have chosen to bring my energy into me and barely attempt to truly connect. The conversations I have are mostly in an anonymous chat where the conversations are fairly superficial and have little depth. I don't have spiritual conversations with anyone anymore except in my head with myself. 

Maybe someday I will connect again, but this isn't that day.

Photo by Ray Metzker

 I remembered one time someone asked me to give them a reading. It hasn't happened often, maybe twice. It is always uncomfortable because I don't really claim to do that sort of thing, but made an exception and explained that I would meditate, ask the questions he had and then let him know whatever images or words I saw. I explained that what I get is usually very symbolic and he would have to decide what it means, but I could give him ideas of what the symbols could be talking about. The below is what I saw for him:

This is what I got for you in meditation.

"What I first saw when I closed my eyes and thought of you was a lush green forest. I saw a creek and the sun was shining through. Later I saw an oak tree and a white owl sitting in the top just looking around. I also saw a pineapple, which made me think of some dialogue I had with a friend on FB. I will get it in a minute and show you. 

I also saw the cutest blonde mouse. It was just sitting there not running away. And then it started eating cheese chunks and when it did, it was impossibly adorable. He munched away while looking at me and never ran away or acted scared.  I also saw hands...open hands."

🍍 Friend: I wonder what it's really like to live in a pineapple under the sea... I mean, really think about it. If you were a squirrel, why would you choose to live there, too?

Me: That is EXACTLY how I feel in this reality. 😂😂😂 What the hell was I thinking? 

Seeing this now, I later came to understand that the pineapple is symbolism of heart and mind coming together as a single thing. It's like taking the red and blue pill and putting them together to create a purple pill as I have talked about before.

Another morning I asked in my in-between about my friend and an adventure he was thinking about taking. This is what I got for him:

"I asked this morning in my in-between state about you. I asked if you should stay where you are or go on an adventure. They said, "He should stay and change, but not necessarily in his current location." But you also have to consider the other sage advice they told me was that refrigerators show up in my dreams because they run. Hahahaha Terrible pun but it matches Inara's sense of humor.

Do you remember that old joke?

Q: Is your refrigerator running?

A: Yes.

PL: Well, you better go catch it. "

Photo by Mitch Dobrowner

I pondered the answer they gave me at the time and it felt like it was for someone who was contemplating suicide. I never asked if this was the case and we eventually stopped talking. I was thinking about this advice and considered that I basically took my own advice by leaving and going to Missouri for 7 months. Previous to that point, I desperately wanted out of this human experience, but something shifted in me while I was away. I don't know how and I don't know when, I just know it did and I'm glad it did. I stayed in this reality and changed locations for a time. The hangman in the tarot is a card about taking a pause and seeing things from a different perspective. I literally bought an inversion table while I was at my mom's that I could hang upside down from. The symbolism wasn't lost on me when I was scrolling through photos and saw the photo I had snapped to show some of the bigger items I needed a truck for to transport back to Oregon with us.

I definitely did gain a new perspective and a new appreciation for the little things in my life that I love, but took for granted. I didn't value them as much as I do now because I thought I might not ever get to experience them ever again. I'm grateful for all of those little things. It's not perfect, by any means, but I now have the will and desire to live that I didn't before. I now believe I can create opportunities for myself and work my way towards an independent and fulfilling life.

Photo by Henri Cartier-Bresson

Maybe next year, I will have a job I love, a car to make my life less difficult, and an in-person friend I can confide in who really gets me, who can both give and receive. I believe it is possible and it helps that I am no longer weighed down by thoughts of wanting to die and hating my life.

I love my life and am grateful that I know I have the power to change things within my life to better suit the me I'm evolving into.

I do wonder if my friend that I gave that advice to was able to get as much from it as I did. I hope he is happy, well and thriving wherever he is on this Christmas day.

Merry Christmas and happy holidays.

May all who have lived in darkness find their way out and set themselves free.

Love and blessings to all three of you who read me. 💜

By The Power of Grayskull

I have the power!

They want me to write, but I'm not entirely sure what they want me to write. The title is just something that came to me as I sat here thinking about a bit of dream from last night where an octopus showed up at someone's wedding preparations. It was amongst the grapes that were being used for decorations and the woman planning the wedding wasn't sure how she was going to get rid of it. She saw it as dangerous. 

It made me consider a nickname I've been given in a chat...okto, which is simply shortening my name, Oktobre. "She sees you as a threat," I heard as I laid pondering before I got up.

I keep dreaming about "her" being a "soul eater". I half wanted to post in chat, "do you think soul eaters are real?" 

Yes, Oktobre is back and she is stronger than she was before. She learns from all of the accumulated experiences of the collective within the body and uses those experiences to help her grow.  Letting the boys drive was definitely a valuable experience. Bunny is very different than Alien.

Art by Andy Gosling

I had a dream while BadBleuBunny was driving about a man coming back from the dead, but he nor I was sure about who he was. He said, "You know how you make quilts and take pieces and put them together? That's what I do but only with food. So I guess I am a chef."

I considered the symbolic meaning of this and how the feminine part of me is adept at recognizing patterns and lessons and putting it all together. She takes bits of art and lessons and puts it together on Instagram which, to some, looks very much like a quilt.

This chef (BadBleuBunny) part of me was doing something similar only in a different way. He was bringing things together to create something new from it...even if it was more to pour it scalding hot over the heads of some who didn't want to eat it. It wasn't about beauty, aesthetics and growth, it was about justice and holding people accountable, which makes me wonder why this part that has come back to life wasn't seen as a police officer, instead.

Art by aliciainspace (Instagram)

Bunny was born from SumBlueAlien. Alien aka Noah, is the masculine part of me who really just wants to laugh and play. He's silly and fun, but this other one kept pushing through and taking over, so BadBleuBunny was given his own space and place to express himself so that Noah could keep doing his thing as well. 

When it came time for Oktobre, the wise witchy feminine, to come back, Bunny willingly stepped aside, but we didn't want to kill him. There is value in what he brings to the table, so we kept his account open in case he has further things to express about other subjects as well. We don't want to destroy what has been born within us.

Is this confusing to you? Probably, but it isn't confusing to me. I guess some would call me non-binary, but I am comfortable with the pronouns given to the body, which is female. Biology is biology and the body is female.  I know and acknowledge I am a collective, as we all are, but few of us take the time to understand and recognize the differences in the many aspects of self. I give mine outlets for expression and sometimes name them.

It makes me think of the new Matrix Resurrections movie that was just released and has had scathing reviews. I haven't seen the movie, so can only go on what I have read and know. 

This idea of choosing red or blue pills is really about choosing feminine/red or blue/masculine and it should never be about choosing one or the other. Choosing one leaves the host out of balance. Rejecting a whole part of you leaves you internally in conflict and puts a muzzle on the masculine. 

WE NEED BOTH!!!

The interesting thing is, the masculine rules the feminine side and the feminine rules the masculine side.  In symbolism, the left is considered feminine, but left brain controls the right/masculine side. Do you see what I mean? So that creativeness we attribute to being feminine is actually masculine. That logical side we say is masculine is actually feminine.

Masculine is output and feminine is input. We need both functions both internally and externally in all aspects of life. The combination is what creates flow instead of resistance.

I have always thought the Matrix series was greatly flawed and the most recent one seems even more so.

Going back to being seen as a threat by "her, the soul eater", someone in chat was giving me a lot of credit for having a lot of power to cyber attack the chat site and buy people off to get them to close their IG accounts. It made me laugh out loud. The paranoia of some people is pretty funny. 

I don't really care what people think about me and I feel no need to defend myself or my story against nonsense. 

There is great power in knowing yourself...all aspects of self... and having the willingness to grow and evolve as we go. There is great power in releasing the baggage we accumulated along the way through unhealthy experiences that contributed to negative thought patterns and behaviors. The only power I have, really, is the power of example. I share my story and what I learn and maybe someone will take those nuggets of information with them and it will help them transform their life as well. 

Number 8 by Erté

Everyone is capable of change should they choose it. I know my change has been profound, but every day, I seem to change a little more. It's never ending...like an 8 turned sideways. An octopus has 8 legs and octo/okto means 8. 

Letter O by Erté

Maybe I'm a threat only to the old version of me. I don't really know...and I'm okay now with not having all the answers. 

Even Petar Pan is capable of growing up, being honest, choosing to leave Neverland and reaching out. He wouldn't be turned away if he wanted to talk about it all. Forgiveness is a super power, too.

Three Poems Inspired by Chie Yoshii Art

Prayer by Chie Yoshii

The winds of change are blowing

I can feel them gently pushing me away

Away from this barren trail

That led to nowhere but death and decay

I lay down my battle swords

A fruitless path of trying to destroy what I hate

Evicting mental freeloaders

Who will eventually see the truth far too late

Illuminate the way forward, I pray

Towards that which brings happiness and joy

Help me achieve what seems impossible

Let me swim up a rushing waterfall like the koi

Oktobre Taylor

Embrace by Chie Yoshii

I'm not so sure about romance

Think that dangling carrot might not be for me

I'm not so sure about friendships

I had to cut too many limbs from my tree

But you I welcome and embrace

The wise owl within who watches and knows

You I pull close to my hungry soul

The strong wolf whose blood in my veins flows

(Poem inspired by the image)

By Oktobre Taylor 

Dreams by Chie Yoshii

I close my eyes 

So I can see

From higher mind

And higher me

Inner guidance

From dream sight

Wisdom unlocked

Symbolic rite

Healing power

Sacred dream keys

Hidden language

To set me free

Oktobre Taylor

When They Just Won't Change

Anna Christenson, Two of Swords

Seven months I was away from my old life. I thought I was leaving it for good, but, as it turns out, the grass really isn't greener on the other side. The time I had away made me appreciate things, experiences, etc. that I had available to me in my old life that wasn't available in the new one. The limitations I experienced were even more extreme than the life I left behind.

I returned to the old life thinking that the person I would have to, once again, cohabitate with had maybe gained a new perspective about things the same way I had. So, when the opportunity arose for my daughter and I to return to Oregon to our old life, I jumped on it. I was tired of fighting with my mother and watching her be horrible to my daughter. The last big fight was the straw that drove me into swift action.

We have been back a week and it feels almost like we never left and like his perspective never changed a single bit. My daughter, also, was hopeful that her father's perspective would have changed, that he would be more interested in her, that he would start choosing to do some of the things with her that she wants to do. Before, they always did what he wanted to do. Conversations were always centered around him and he barely spoke to her if I was around.

Sadly, for both of us, he hasn't changed. Not even a little bit.

I told her on one of our walks around the neighborhood, “We have to be the ones to change. Just because he hasn't changed doesn't mean we can't. We don't have to allow things to fall into being exactly what it was before. If we change, it won't be the same."

It's bad enough to know that I basically married my mother. He is similar to her in so many ways and I would have never discovered that had I not spent that time with my mother. Which mother do I choose to be with? Which is the lesser of the two evils? 

As it turned out, for me, I'd rather be in Oregon cohabitating with a man I don't want to be married to because...I love Oregon. I love the pines, the mountains, the air, the rain, the green, the beaches. I have always loved this area and so coming back to it was a no-brainer after seven months in a state I have always despised.

What has changed for me is that I no longer have the autopilot voice in my head wishing I was dead on an endless loop. That voice was stilled and went away, thankfully. I think that voice kept me physically ill for a long time. I appreciate the little things that give me pleasure even more now. I walk around our neighborhood and just feel so grateful to have a proper neighborhood again. I feel grateful for the friendly people who say hello. I feel grateful to have more variety of shops available to me again. There are so many little things I took for granted before that I no longer do.

Obviously, it's not perfect being back, but I'm determined that I will take my own advice and make sure I change even if he never does. I will work to gain some independence by going back to work and eventually creating a life of my own in my beloved Pacific Northwest away from both versions of my mother. It won't be instantaneous, but I'm in a different place mentally now. I have the confidence and strength to take action towards building the life I want now. 

I can feel Oktobre more now that I am back in a climate and environment that feeds my soul. She felt far away and almost inaccessible at times while I was in Missouri. I missed her, so I am trying to make sure she is able to take the driver's seat more often now. It's time.

Looking Out a Window

And what is it

To sit looking out a window and long

Should we not

Simply step through it to reach a new dawn

Oktobre Taylor

Photo by Rosario Puglisi

Some Places

There are some places

That I can be me more thoroughly
There are some places
That call me from my internal grave
There are some places
That make me feel I'm home at last

Oktobre Taylor

Photo by Laura Makabresku

Going Nowhere Fast

 

I was going nowhere fast

Living your life instead of my own

And so I just decided one day

To put down the sign I was shown

I chose a different path

A path titled "destination unknown"

Oktobre Taylor

Photo by Martina Matencio

I Miss You

I'm not sure if this is working. I'm not sure what I am doing or why I am doing any of it. I think it is time for you to come back and take the driver's seat.