Problem Solving, Practice What you Preach

Art by Stefan Koidl

I have a problem.

A recent discovery has left me feeling disturbed and uncomfortable.

I think my daughter's father has been electronically listening in on my private conversations with her and anyone I might talk to.

I went through a myriad of feelings:

Violated
Disturbed
Angry
Fearful
Disgusted
Hate
Desperation to escape

I tried to understand why this was happening. How had I helped manifest it and what was lesson in it? All I could see was a red mist. I knew I had to get a little distance from it before acting, so I slept.

When I woke, I remembered how my guides told me they would like to see me put into action the knowledge I have gained. Basically they are saying, "Practice what you preach." And so I sit here processing the problem with all of you.

I asked myself, "What is the core issue here?" Certainly for him it is showing the extreme lengths someone will go to who has serious communication  deficits. This is a man who, for fifteen years, has been like a wall to talk to. There is no communication. And when he finally does feel moved to communicate, it is anything but constructive and non-blaming.

When Inara was young, he was a great dad. He was playful and fun. But all of that changed as she got older and started asserting her own ideas and opinions. She developed her own interests and no longer wanted to be forced to participate in activities only he is interested in. He started to treat her the way he had always treated me and so much blame gets piled on her lap regularly. They fight a lot. They are like oil and water and conflict is ever present.

One time, in a huge angry argument with him, I told him how I felt he takes out all of his anger for me on her and that I wish he would stop. I told him that he has no idea who she is as a person and that I wish he would take some time to know her and learn to have conversations with her because if he doesn't do it now, they will never have a close relationship later in life. I would love for my daughter to not have the daddy issues I grew up with.

Even after me saying all of that, he still never really worked on improving the relationship.

Fast forward to now and my Inara was saying how her father is suddenly being nice to her and it makes her feel really uncomfortable and she doesn't know how to react because she isn't used to it.

Some of the conversations we had while he was listening in was a lot about Inara's feelings about her father. They aren't warm and fuzzy and he might have been a little taken back by how much venom she has for him. I have my own issues with him but, for the most part, I want her to try to have a relationship with him. I want her to practice treating people the way she wants to be treated and not how they have treated her. I want her to learn to rise above and make higher mind choices.

So when he started behaving uncharacteristically nice to her and interested, we were both suspicious. There were other red flags later that clued us in he is listening to us. When we discussed our concerns to each other, one of the things I said was, "This is a lesson in never saying something privately that you aren't willing to own publicly." My daughter, who is 10, asked me what that means. I told her, "It means taking ownership of what you said and admitting it. It means taking responsibility for our own words."

Now, it doesn't mean that what he has done is okay. It is definitely still a violation and breach of trust. Open communication would be the preferred path, but we can't force anyone to change. They have to make a choice. I only have control over me, my perception, how I respond, and what I take away from it.

The question I was asking myself this morning is, how can I practice what I preach in this situation? How can I apply the spiritual knowledge I have gained on this journey? I was just saying, recently, how we should try to respond with compassion and kindness, even in difficult situations and, somehow, I need to apply this idea to this situation even though I have a strong knee-jerk disdain for this person.

I am always saying that we should face our fears and here was an opportunity to not fall into fearful reactionary behavior.

What is the solution?

Art by Marc Fishman

I think it is a lesson in standing naked without shame or trying to hide in fear. It is a lesson in taking personal responsibility for our thoughts, feelings and words. It is a lesson in open communication and transparency. It is a lesson in remaining authentic ALWAYS...not just when it is convenient and comfortable. Standing in your truth means braving any adversity that threatens to knock us down. It means remaining true to ourselves and not letting fear and anger influence our thoughts and actions.

By all means, FEEL it all. Feel what you feel in the moment and then step back and look at it under a microscope to extract all that you can from the opportunity. And, yes,  difficult experiences really are an opportunity but we have to re-adjust our perspective to understand fully the opportunity and lessons it provides.

I will not hide.
I will not fear.
I will not remain in anger.

I choose compassion and kindness.
I choose to treat people the way I want to be treated, not as they have treated me.
I choose authenticity, open communication and transparency.
I choose to stay open hearted and trust regardless of violations to both.
I choose to be heart centered and balanced.
I choose the path of love.

Art by Catrin Welz-Stein