Monday, March 7, 2016

Self-Worth. Random Strangers, When People Walk Away

I admit that I have been utterly uninspired to write much of anything lately. I haven't felt much like talking to people. I haven't felt like socializing within the normal spiritual communities I have been known to socialize in. Instead I have simply allowed the current of the river to take me where it will. I have been floating.

I have been most active on Instagram lately. The only reason why I opened an Instagram account was because Deryck Whibley from Sum 41 told me to. Well not me specifically, but he opened an account and asked fans to follow him there. At first I hated Instagram and trying to familiarize myself with a new type of social network. From my Windows phone, Instagram felt very limiting. Thank god I read about 6Tag because it does Instagram better than Instagram does...at least for Windows phones users. I still don't have all the capabilities that Android and IOS users have access to.

I didn't do much with my account at first. I played a little bit and posted pictures. Slowly but surely I started to use it more and more and in the continued use, the way I used it changed and evolved. I have all these quotes I have seen and saved to my phone. I also have a plethora of beautiful art I have seen and saved along the way. I have taken pleasure, lately, in pairing beautiful images with some of the wonderful quotes. I enjoy it and I feel I am good at it. When I click on my account, it looks like this beautiful quilt of artwork and photos from my various hikes. It is beautiful and it fills my heart and feeds my soul. If it pleases someone else too and they resonate, that is the icing on the cake. I sometimes go back and read my quotes and think, "Oh my god that quote is so good!" and feel happy I have shared it with others.

I had been sorely neglecting my Facebook companion-to-this-blog page. It bored me and I considered deleting it entirely but decided to start posting some of the art and quotes there as well. It has been more difficult to develop an audience on Facebook than it has on Instagram. I used to make fun of hashtags but they are a useful tool for people finding what interests them and I just don't think people on Facebook use hashtags in the same way as much. Regardless, I have decided to start posting some of the same material I am posting on Instagram on my Facebook page to hopefully give it new life.

During my time of following and interacting with specific high profile people on IG, I have had the opportunity to interact with a number of random people. I will reply to people if I feel moved to. I recently replied to someone about making and sharing art and I suddenly realized something about myself. I am really good at offering sincere support and the best advice I can in that moment. I also thought about my responses to people and I can genuinely say that in those moments where I am taking the time to give you encouragement, support and advice, I do it because I genuinely care about you, random stranger. Call me crazy, but I give a fuck and I care. In those moments I care and my only intention is to help and make you feel like someone sees you and cares. Maybe it will be the only interaction we ever have in this life, but for that brief interaction with you, I sincerely gave some of my heart to you and hoped you would feel better as a result. You matter to me.

And from that warm fuzzy we will tread into a darker place. lol Let's talk about those people who have been in your life and, for whatever reason, decide to walk away. To that I shrug and say "oh well". Regardless of what a caring and loving heart I have, I have also developed thick skin. The thing is, I am Marmite. And by that I mean that you either love me or hate me. My flavor is strong and not everyone can handle it. I am not for those with a delicate palate. I am for those who like strong coffee, dark beers and bleu cheese. I am used to people getting pissed and walking away. It used to make me cry when I was a child but as a 47-year-old adult, I just kind of shrug and say "oh well". I will miss you if you choose to remove yourself from my life, but I won't lose any sleep about it. My self-worth isn't wrapped up in what anyone else thinks of me. I happen to like me a lot. I like my own company. It has taken me 47 years to get to this place, but I love me and someone not liking me isn't going to shake my world and make me love myself less. I wish them well and say goodbye with love.

But should they want to come back...well, I forgive easily and would welcome them back. It is just my nature.