Those Dastardly Shadows

Photo by Emilio Jimenez

Recently I have taken on something new with my posts that I share on Instagram and Facebook. I have attempted to illustrate lyrics from songs I love. I tend to post a series of three things that are connected either visually or by subject matter in the quotes so this new attempt could fit right in to what I do. Mind you, I do this for no other reason than because I enjoy it. I enjoy this form of self expression.

My most recent shares illustrated a song I love from Them Crooked Vultures. And yes, my boyfriend, Dave Grohl, was part of that project. lol But nevermind  that. It is a brilliant album that really hits the spot right now. The first song on the album called "No One Loves Me & Neither Do I" is wonderful on a melodic and riff level and the lyrics make me giggle every time. I especially like the lines "You can keep your soul, I don't wanna soul mate" These words kept repeating in my head and images started to emerge of the woman who would say those words and I just knew I had to put illustration to lyric. The images I selected were women portrayed in a dominatrix role.

I knew while I was selecting the photos that they could be pushing the envelope a bit for my Facebook audience. The audience on Instagram is highly dependent on what tags you choose to use for a photo. I waffled on whether or not I would include my Facebook friends in these shares and in the final moments I laughed mischievously and said "fuck it" and pressed the little Facebook icon and pressed "share".

My Facebook friends are made up of real life friends, family members, former employers, mommy friends, a few young budding minds and a whole lot of spiritual people. Collectively they are all over the board as far as their openness to appreciating these images is concerned. I predicted I would lose a friend or two and I was right. I figure the cream will rise to the top and stick around.

Photo by Koray Parlak

It is because I hesitated and was concerned about what people might think that I ultimately chose to share the images with both social media audiences. I know many might assume I have come to that point where those thoughts of other people's opinions never creep in to influence my choices, but even the most seasoned practitioners of "not giving a fuck" are not immune to having those thoughts pop up when we are at the border of a comfort zone and faced with a choice of crossing the border or staying comfortable.

I had another motive as well for sharing this series. I had just shared a series of three talking about passion, love and sex. The images of couples were soft, pretty and poignant. I wanted to give a taste of the shadow side to this theme for balance and contrast. Shadows are an important part of life and our shadow selves should be embraced and given love rather than rejected. And I am not saying go out and act on criminal impulses. If your shadow side is harming another, then it needs to be put in check and you need to come to a place of understanding about where the impulses stem from so that you can heal what needs to be healed for you. But for most people, their shadows selves is really relatively benign and more about what people will think of them if people knew it existed.

I am neither only light or only dark. I am both equally. There is a darker side to my light and I love it and embrace it. I am a multifaceted being and I have many interests. Why should I limit myself based on what I think people might think of me? I shouldn't and neither should you.

Love your shadows.

Live out in the open.

Be you unedited.

Why I Will Never Be a Skumfuk, The Power of Words

Since I have started participating in the Sum 41 community, I often wonder what Sum 41 fans called themselves before the Screaming Bloody Murder album which was released March 25, 2011. It was, by that time, their sixth album. Their first album was released in 2000. On the album is a song called "Skumfuk" and fans adopted this term to refer to themselves. As the t-shirt says in the photo of Deryck "PROUD TO BE A SKUMFUK" and many of his fans adhere to this slogan and happily proclaim they are "Skumfuks". Many go so far as to tattoo it on their person.

I have always maintained I will NEVER claim to be a Skumfuk. I will explain my reasons why in this blog post.

Words are a funny thing. Some words seem shocking to others...like the string of profanities I sometimes utter without blinking an eye like they are filler words as common as "and"and "um". I don't look like that sort of girl to have such a potty mouth. Words are what I use for my artistic medium and words have power. We use words in communication. We use words to identify ourselves. We can use words to harm or heal. Every single day words go through our heads quietly and sometimes those words are negative self talk. We use words to degrade ourselves and each other and sometimes we aren't even aware we are doing it. Self-deprecation becomes as natural as breathing. Someone gives us a compliment and we squirm and negate it by saying something negative about ourselves.

"You are so talented. I love your drawing!"

"I think I suck but thanks anyway."

"You are beautiful."

"You think so? I hate my nose and I wish my hair was straight, but thanks anyway."

There are so many ways we are cruel to ourselves and put ourselves down and we don't even realize it as we think it is harmless. Adopting degredating words to identify ourselves is another way of doing that because if you really look at the words and what they mean, you will understand and hopefully never again identify with a word, phrase or term that is dis-empowering.

Let's look at the word Skumfuk which breaks down to "scum" and "fuck".

https://www.merriam-webster.com/

https://www.merriam-webster.com/

Impurities and a foul filmy covering mixed with a sense of disgust. Hmmm and this is what fans are calling themselves without giving it a second thought. This is what the band themselves are now calling the fans.

Now let's take a look at the lyrics of the song the term comes from:

"Skumfuk"

Take the pictures off the wall

Erase the thoughts, forget them all

The choice is yours to save yourself

Or in the hands of someone else

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh [x4]

Broken thoughts and alibis

Conscience disappears in time

Voices are all that I can show

And all that I have is a soul

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh [x4]

Yeah.

You're a set-up to fail

You're a dead-beat on parade

With a foot in the gutter

And the other in the grave

You've cooked your silver spoon so black

So die

What can I say?

Guess it's obvious you would end up this way,

When you live amongst the dead.

The best of luck,

As the one and only resident scumfuk.

A victim or just a tragedy?

I hear you talk

But I don't hear you speak.

You don't make sense,

Your mind is incomplete.

I can't believe all the things that you say.

You just can't get enough.

We'll all be waiting here just for the day

That your time is up.

What can I say?

Guess it's obvious you would end up this way,

When you live amongst the dead.

The best of luck,

As the one and only resident scumfuk.

A victim or just a tragedy?

All that I need is time for me to breathe.

Dream little dreams that only I believe.

Now that I see beyond the light,

I know I'll be, I'll be alright.

Firstly, let me say that I love this song. The whole album is one of my favorites. I don't know about Deryck, but I know when I write my poetry, often the "you" I am speaking to is myself. To me it seems obvious that Deryck is speaking to himself and this is about his battle with his addiction which is what the line "You've cooked your silver spoon so black" is a direct reference to...addiction. How many times have we seen in movies images of a drug user cooking the drug before injecting it. This is a song about knowing how lost he is and not knowing how to pull himself out. There is self-degradation all over it and beating himself up over his path of self-destruction.

With all of this in mind, I see the term "Skumfuk" to be one of self-degradation and one that keeps speaking over and over again of the battle he was losing with himself and how much he hated himself for it. Why would I ever want to identify with a phrase or word that holds so much heartache, sadness, and struggle?

I will not.

Not ever.

So should you choose to identify with a word, a phrase or label, really look at it to see what energy it holds and decide if it is empowering or dis-empowering and then make your choice. Dis-empowering words and phrases work on a subconscious level. It doesn't happen suddenly. It happens gradually and then you one day realize you are in a deep dark hole and wonder how you got there. Little did you know that each negative word you spoke to yourself was a scoop of dirt making your hole deeper.

Choose your words wisely.

Twisted By Design

"Empieter" by Minjae Lee

  

Sometimes there are songs that speak to you more than others. Sometimes the lyrics speak what is in your heart as though someone reached inside and pulled them from you. Sometimes the melody moves you and transports you as though it contains a magic that other songs just don't possess. While I love the entire "13 Voices" album by Sum 41, this particular song is easily my favorite because it does all the things I mentioned above. I feel the words deeply.

"Twisted By Design"

I've got my scars to bear

Stitches just can't repair, woah

There's no one to blame this time

Absolution's waiting on a PRAYER

I'm breaking down the walls

Unveiling my share of faults, WOAH

This blood on my hands, is a blessing

In a lifetime, twisted by design

But I'm so alive

Is it a THREAT or the cure?

Cause it's a brave new world

I don't know if I'm ready for

Just a test

Cause I'm miles up above you

Flying with no safety net

I don't believe in FATE although

This time I think I've met my match

Why are the dreams so hard to catch

Cause you forget in time

What it feels inside

You LIVE right on the line

But I'm so alive

They say believing is the hardest part

But I say with every beat of my heart

I ALONE will find my way

And get right back to the start

They say the fire in your HEART is gone

But I say it's really only just begun

All along you know that I'm

I'm twisted by design

I'm twisted by design

"Eclipse" by Minjae Lee

I'm taking the days as they come

But now I'm seeing the WORLD as if it had a thousand suns

I admit that there's somewhere along the lines

I guess I lost my grip

But luck has turned the page

And time is all I need to get things right

One more chance to catch the light

Cause you FORGET in time

What it feels inside

You live right on the line

But I'm so alive

They say believing is the hardest part

But I say with every beat of my heart

I ALONE will find my way

And get right back to the start

They say the fire in your heart is GONE

But I say it's really only just begun

All along you know that I'm

I'm twisted by design

I'm twisted by design

Starting over again, but the further I get

I can't stop these walls from closing in

Going out of my HEAD, all the tears that I BLED

They're not enough to take my pain away

They say believing is the hardest part

But I say with every BEAT of my heart

I alone will find my way

And get right back to the start

They say the fire in your HEART is gone

But I say it's really only just begun

All in all you know that I'm

I'm twisted by design

In some ways I've changed

And I've left it all behind

But I can't change the way

That I'm, I'm TWISTED by design

Lyrics by Deryck Whibley

You can listen to this song at the below link on Spotify:

https://play.spotify.com/track/2ym7V4V42KWJ6VbdYZGj8V

Exit Points and Leaving the Physical

Yesterday I posted on Facebook about a dream I had which I believe was telling me that I am going to be leaving the physical soon. I mentioned that I had had many dreams before this which led me to draw the conclusions I have. The idea of leaving the physical isn't scary to me. I see my dreams as just saying, "The time is nearing. Get ready to go home because we will be calling your plane to board soon." I guess I see it more like graduation because death is just a transition back to our natural state of being. I had a number of varied responses from people and the common theme seemed to be that people want you to hang in there at all costs. Don't give up. They cling to the physical world. I think acceptance is NOT giving up. It is not being attached and at peace with leaving.

March 28, 1996 I woke and drifted quickly back to sleep. That's when the third dream took place. All I remember is going outside to see the comet they've talked about on the news I looked up into the cloudless sky and saw what appeared to be a comet. But it got brighter and closer and I knew it wasn't the comet. In fact it was a rocket gone awry. It crashed violently to the earth not too far from where i stood. There was a huge explosion and debris from the rocket scattered and fell from the sky like rain. The pieces were red hot and/or on fire as they fell. I ran to get away from the debris and wound up in someone's garage.

This wasn't mentioned in my journal but my recollection of that dream, my friend, Ben, was with me in the garage.

Comments: The above was the third dream in a series of three after having done a powerful visualization. All three were very meaningful precognitive dreams. The "rocket" debris is eerily similar to the exploding airplane parts showering down in a later dream which specifically speaks of my exit point.

November 8, 2013 I just had a wild dream. I think it was more than a dream. I was having a normal dream and then suddenly I was trapped in an area that was all white walls. But then there was a door slightly ajar and I went through it. There were stairs...white stairs leading down and I was confused and asking what this place was. No one was there but me and then there was this bird that flew in. It was two tone like some black and white corvids only it was a light grey and white. I held out my hand and it landed on my finger. I said hello to the bird and asked what it wanted. And a voice started talking to me. It had almost a New York accent. Lol But he told me things...not everything I can remember. But the one thing I do remember was he told me I was doing well in this lifetime and I wouldn't have to come back for any more. I was pleased to hear this and asked him who he was. He simply said he was my superior. And then he sent me on my way back into a dream where I was in a house with what was supposed to be Amrik, I think, but he didn't look like Amrik.

Comments: This dream isn't specifically about exiting but highlights that when I do leave, I don't have to come back. To me it is a reference to graduation...ascension...moving on to the next level.

May 1, 2014 They just showed me how I will die. Elizabeth Harper and Mari were there. An airplane explodes in the sky. I am on the flight. I saw it explode in the sky and the debris falls down. We were discussing future events and it was mentioned but neither of them wanted to tell me who dies in the future. I was frustrated and said "well why bother bringing it up in front of me then?"
That is when I figured it out....that it was me. It explodes over water as it is coming in to land. 7 years away is what I heard.

Comments: This is pretty literal. I don't believe any explaining is necessary here.

July 31, 2014 Funny enough, I dreamed I was back In school only it was in Italy and they started a new program where the whole college only had 15 people. I felt silly being back in school when everyone was young enough to be my offspring. 

September 13, 2014 I just saw on a badge that was mine with a number 1 on it and then I saw something about the meaning of a class 1. It said "I don't do karma/rebirth" or "I don't karma/rebirth".

Comments: Again we have a reference that I will not be returning for another life on Earth.

January 21, 2015 I just heard something in my head. "we basically came here for my job and I think I have to win him over, but he came here for me and I just can't remember."

February 23, 2015 I have to write about this dream. It feels important. I think Inara and I were somewhere but it doesn't feel like home. We are visitors. But we long for when we get to go back home. I know we don't have much time left so I am trying to get things cleaned up before we leave the place we have been staying. It feels like it is taking forever and then Amrik shows up and helps us tidy and I think, "Damn! He did that faster than we ever could have done it!" There was something about a tsunami coming and it takes out a bunch of people who are down low on the beach. I see big logs being flung around in the water.

I think this is where Nuno (a semi-known musician) comes in. It seems he has just woken up and I ask him what he wants to eat and if he wants some coffee. He asks for a tomato and mayo sandwich. So I say, okay. But I don't get it to him right away. I think because of the water...the tsunami. We have to move to higher ground and I am carrying him...only he is no longer in a body. I put him in a skeleton so he would be easier to carry. The elevator is packed and it doesn't look safe. The door is almost closing on people and it looks like people could get hurt. I opt for the stairs but first stop by a shop that has a chair which I tie the skeleton to so that it is easier to take him up the stairs without losing any parts. I traded the shop keeper something like a large indigo net (kind of like hammock netting) that I said was valuable and told her I would be back with her chair to trade back. The shop keeper was in agreement and was happy with the exchange because the color matched many of the items she carried in her shop.

Nuno expressed sadness about the people who had been taken. I hesitated to say anything because I didn't know if he was ready and then I asked him, "Why? Do you know about the afterlife? People get recycled. No one truly dies. There is nothing to be sad about. Those people on the beach are okay even if their bodies aren't."

February 28. 2015 At some point there was a dream about a some sort of school and it feels like....hmmmm....an "over there" kind of school and me being admitted into it and feeling like maybe I didn't belong. This old long white haired man (he doesn't actually look old, but that is the impression I have...that he is an elder) starts talking about how sometimes the people who don't always seem suited or right were the ones who would excel the most and that he was once one of those students. I mention something about people with blinders who can't see and I think I am talking about the others who usually choose students are blind and can't always see the true potential of a person. He agreed. I wanted to give him a hug and he goes to stand and I realize he has been sitting or on his knees because when he stands he is REALLY tall. He is entirely white. His clothes, his hair. I am in awe of his height and i comment about how tall he is and say, "or maybe it is just me that is really short."

I remember driving and feeling unsure of what pedals to use. It feels like my old Volkswagen Bug. I park somewhere and it feels like I have to go through an elementary school. I am trying to find my way back out of the school and run into a teacher and he is on his way out and offers to show me out. He is attractive and he seems to like me too. I am trying to find my car again. I get out to a parking lot and there are lots of old VW Bugs and one teeny tiny remote control VW Bug that I get excited about and he offers to show me how it works. I don't remember much else.

Comments: I feel the first part of this dream was a reference to going to school here on Earth. I think the elementary school is a reference to being back on earth and trying to find my way back out. The VW Bug seems to be a reference to my original form...my original state of being and the smaller version, I believe, is a reference to the human vehicle. Only a very small portion of us goes into these vehicles that we are controlling from the other side.

March 1, 2015 It feels like there is food out but I am getting ready to take leave. I want to go home. I look around to see if anything there was mine that I need to take with me but I don't think there is. I am relieved because I think I will likely have to walk home and the less I have to carry, the better. Something is mentioned about a car and I am now in our old Nissan Altima and I am trying to start it. I finally start it and the inside light is on which indicates a door is open. I start to drive and the back passenger door is ajar. I close it. I try to turn on the head lights and they aren't turning on. I can't see. It is very dark out. I try to concentrate so I don't hit the people walking on the side of the road. I am not sure how I will be able to drive all the way home this way but I just want to go home so feel like I will risk it. I woke up around there.

July 12, 2015  Dreams from last night that I remember. I don't know where I was. I just remember saying that it was time for me to go home. I think I jokingly asked someone if they wanted to drive with me. I knew "home" was a very long way away.

August 7, 2015 I vaguely remember being at some market with someone and some guy was trying to sell me on some essential oils or something and there was some procedure he was offering for $10. I remember pulling the 10 dollars out and thinking I didn't have very much money left and when it was gone I would have to go home. It feels like I am visitor somewhere.

August 11, 2015 I had a dream about going home again. I was due to catch a flight home but I had to go through some processing before I left. I was concerned about missing my flight. I had to hurry and was hoping my flight was slightly delayed so didn't miss my plane.

I kept seeing the number 1:98 in my mind as the time my plane was leaving and even though that doesn't make sense according to our clocks here. I was thinking it was close to 2:00. Just before I was due to leave, I was having a meal with a girlfriend. I get the feeling home as in my other body. Home as in not this planet. I parked my little scooter somewhere knowing I would never be back for it. In my dream I had two suitcases and a cot type thing that folded up and was easy to carry. It was a foot powered scooter you usually see kids riding. The friend I was with was on a bike. I remember thinking we didn't have locks but figured it didn't really matter anyway.

September 5, 2015 I had earlier dreams but can't remember them clearly enough to write about them.

The only dream I remember is that I was back in high school and I had an understanding that it was my last year of high school. I recognized I was in my 40s and I didn't really have to be here but I was just going to complete it anyway. Everyone else knew I wasn't like them too. I think it was "back to school" from taking a break. I remember an old locker and that I never retrieved my belongings from the last time I was here and I was hoping they were able to cut the lock and clear the contents so they could use it for some other kid. I still needed to go to the office and get a new locker because I didn't go through the normal channels of coming back. I bypassed all the paperwork and just showed up. People were expecting me even though I hadn't come to the opening day of school where they assigned lockers and what not. I seem to recall two classes. I think one was an acting class and the other I am not sure. The teacher was this really cheerful woman who seemed to really like me but because she was curious, she made the class really hard for me, meaning I was given a lot more assignments than the others because she wanted to know everything about me. I was sitting alone in her classroom working on some of my assignments and I notice what seemed like a hair sticking out of my right knee. Then I started to pull the hair and noticed that there was something it was attached to moving underneath. I pulled and this worm popped out. It was blue and kind of plump and long like an earth worm. I didn't know if it was beneficial to me or not so I tossed it on the floor. It almost seemed to have a face and expressions and when it landed on the floor, some of its insides came out in a puddle. But it wasn't dead...just looked sad. And then he eyes me and seems to be trying to get back into me and he is moving fast but I am avoiding him by moving quickly when he comes toward me. It was like he would kind of scrunch up into an accordion and would dash at me. I think I asked some custodian about the worm and he had no clue what variety it was. At some point the teacher came back. There were all these cans of pop. Not sure if they were empty or not. I am guessing not because she makes some motion with her arms and they all start to move up and she grabs one as it is going up because she remembers so-in-so wanted one. The worm makes one last attempt to get back inside me and almost seems to develop wing type things to aid him. He leaps and is taken up with the soda cans instead. It seemed to be making music or singing while it floated up. I don't remember anything else.

Comments: I included this one and another dream about being back in high school because this is a recurring theme for me. I find myself back in high school. I suddenly realize I don't have to be there and I choose to leave. This was the first time I dreamed about staying and completing the schooling even though I had done it all before previously and didn't really need to be here. The dream seems to suggest that I didn't come through normal channels which supports an earlier blog post where I talk about discovering that I am a walk-in. I didn't arrive on the day school started. I came after the body had already been born and was thriving. The dream also suggests that I volunteered to come back and that even to those on the other side, I am a curiosity and they are interested and watching closely.

September 9, 2015 I dreamed I was in an airport getting ready to go home. I was waiting in line to go home. I was nearer at the beginning of the line and didn't want to leave it because I didn't want to have to go all the way to the back of the line. At one point I almost stayed but then was like "all of my stuff is already on the plane. I have to go." I think I was considering staying for some guy but he wasn't showing enough interest in me to bother. In the dream my dog was with me and already on the plane which was a determining factor as well. I had to transfer a couple times because I was far from home.

September 21, 2015 My dreams were scattered at best. In a dream where I was in a house. I was making plans to leave and saying my good byes. I was with a guy and our good bye was a reluctant one. We touched and held hands but said it was time for me to go. His wife was there and was annoyed by our interaction with each other. It feels like I had a difficult time leaving.

There was a scene in a dream where people were getting shot by someone and at first I was thinking about trying to save myself and then thought, "Oh no, wait. This might be my way out of here" and I welcomed it. I was shot twice in the head and was annoyed that nothing had changed and I was still there.

Comments: I feel the second half of this shows that I no longer have a fear of leaving the physical behind. When I become conscious, I determine this might be a way to leave the physical...only it is a just a dream and it doesn't release me from the body when I am shot.

September 30, 2015 Dreamed I was with a girl at her house. Later teens, early 20s maybe. I borrowed some of her clothes at one point but went to change back to my own but I needed to gather them and wash them. I gathered Inara's clothes as well to clean. I wanted to clean them before I had to pack then to leave. I remember seeing candy bits...stick candy canes in assorted flavors and some sort of tootsie pop type candy hanging up on the wall.

October 15, 2015 Later the dream switched and now my friend, Aysha, is coming up with a birthday cake but it was for her party and yet she was bringing cake so I could have some. I am eating a hot dog and not really caring if I have cake. And then suddenly there are all these people lined up to get cake only she doesn't seem to have a knife to cut the cake. Later I see her going through cards that people made and among her birthday cards were cards for me that were from a going away party and that said "good bye Oktobre."

October 27, 2015 At the tail end of my dream I was on a train or something with this guy. It is an open train or something because I don't feel closed in. It feels like the roof, perhaps. Anyway, we are nearing a town and I embrace him and say "I am just looking so forward to going home with you." he says something like "looking forward to going home or being with me?" I said "Being with you AT home." I had that feeling of being away for a long time and was looking forward to being home. It was that comfort feeling. But I was also happy to be with him and was holding him closely. 

Comments: I simply want to say that this dream made me smile. It made me think, "Yes, I can't wait to be back at home with you. I have missed you so much."

November 6, 2015 I had another one...another dream that I was someplace else and I was getting ready to go home. Inara was with me. I was having to clean up before I left and there was something about sweets. All these people wanted my brownies and there wasn't much left for me.

January 12, 2016 One bit I was someplace with other people and decided I wanted to go home and there were two who offered to walk me home to make sure I made it back okay. Only one ended up walking with me which was Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

January 17, 2016 An earlier dream had me in a small village on Italy. I don't know why I am here. I visit with some people but can't remember anymore what took place in this scene...only that there was a guy for sure and maybe others. I suddenly wonder how long I have been here and think it is time to catch my plane home. I feel ready to go home. I am hoping I haven't missed my flight. I am leaving with a small piece of luggage and a few bits. I come to a more populated area and I think maybe I should have planned to spend my time in the city rather than such a small village. I look for my airline tickets and someone tells me I am early. They said my ticket was for the 16th and today was the 9th. I remember thinking why in the world did I choose to spend two whole weeks in this place. One week was plenty long enough. I hoped that they would let me use my ticket early anyway because I was ready to go home. I remember something about setting this electric kettle thing down and it seemed like a combination kettle and coffee maker but it seemed to have mushrooms growing out of it. I went somewhere to do something and then came back for my kettle and people were using it and really liked it. I told them they should get one of their own but this one was mine and I was taking it home with me. I pick up the kettle/coffee maker and it seems to turn into one of my dogs and I am cuddling her. 

March 21, 2016 Yesterday I had a dream about two different paths I could take and I said I wanted to go home. I couldn't imagine why we would need or want to go back to this other place. I said i wanted to head home.

Comments: I think ^^^^ this ^^^^ is pretty important to point out to people who keep saying that me leaving is symbolic or I can opt to stay. Blah fucking blah. The whole point is I have already CHOSEN to leave. This is my conscious choice I made on a deep soul level and it is showing up over and over in dreams. This is a pretty literal dream where I am offered two paths and I choose to go Home.
 
May 28, 2016 I had a dream I was with a guy and we were having a great time together. I seem to recall something about the outfit I was wearing...a mini skirt, a white top, a sweater over the shoulders. I think it was light pink and I was wearing navy blue socks. There was a second outfit I was holding that I contemplated wearing but since what I had on was similar, I save the one I was holding for another time. I seem to recall this guy driving a small orange car at one point but we had to use a different car when we wanted to go somewhere together. I really like him and enjoyed his company but apparently I was going to have to go home the next day.
 
May 29, 2016 I had another dream where I was getting ready to go home. I was somewhere...I can't remember where. I am being served 3 boiled eggs in a small carton to take with me on the plane. Later I see three toilets meant for men. I got some of the crud from around the toilets on my socks and opted to do a load of laundry before I left. But there wasn't going to be time to wait for them to be cleaned. i would have to leave without them.

June 3, 2016 Dreams for the night...
The overall theme seemed to be that I was getting married to my husband again. Sometimes he was just some guy, sometimes he was my actual husband and sometimes he morphed into my brother. In one dream I am wearing a white wedding gown but the head piece we found was off white which we were just going to make do with. At one point I see me wearing a pink rain coat thing. and there is a hat piece that looked like a veil and it covered my face at first until I moved it to the side. I remember getting all of these details ready for the wedding as it was pretty last minute. I remember something about a ring in a box and locating the box before we left to where the ceremony would take place.

I woke up and went back to sleep and dreamed some more about this wedding that was getting ready to take place. I am getting ready as it is almost time to go to the place where the ceremony is happening which is nearby. I have on my dress but for some reason I am wearing what looks like a graduation robe over it and I couldn't figure out why. I thought maybe my husband wanted me to wear it so that I wouldn't get shit on it as I am prone to spilling things on me. We were going to eat something but there isn't time. We have to just go. I see some little trinkets like something that looks like a glass fairy, maybe, and a few other little things. I see sweets like candy bars wrapped in see-through chiffon type material with bows.

Comments: I think the combination of wedding dress and graduation is a direct reference to both graduation and reconnecting with my people who are waiting for me to return...at least this part of me.

October 12, 2016  I dreamed again that I was staying in Italy. I was staying at some guy's house who I had been pursuing because of something I believed to be true about him...about who he was to me. The guy is never there. It feels like he is avoiding me and it disappoints me. I feel deeply  disappointed and I go through doubts thinking maybe I was wrong about him the way I have been wrong about others in my life. A group of his friends come in at some point. I am sleeping on the couch and someone places a large multilayered document on my chest that has my name on it, some address that indicated a 3 bedroom place. I thought at first it was an eviction notice. Then I thought maybe it was a suggestion to go rent a place elsewhere so I would leave. And then I wondered if the document referred to the guy's place. Not much was actually filled in. I just remembered thinking that I wouldn't need it because I was leaving soon anyway. The friends who showed up were all men and seemed like they were somewhat feminine and I guessed they might be gay. I can't remember the dialogue that was exchanged in that part. They leave and eventually the guy comes back but it is time for me to go home. I am in the process of leaving. The guy is expressing sadness about me going. There was something about him wanting to see me in one of his t-shirts and I complied. I told him I needed to go so I didn't miss my flight home. He said he would be willing to pay for a new ticket if I stayed a little longer. I think I did linger but still intended to make my flight.

Final Thoughts: Trust that I know my own journey. Trust that I know what the messages are telling me and where they are guiding me. Death is only scary if you are uncertain of what comes after. We really can be fully informed about our exit points and it doesn't have to be a fearful or scary thing. We don't have to avoid the knowledge when we come into acceptance and letting go of attachments. 

I have no doubts that I will wake up to who I really am when I leave the human vehicle. 

What if part of the end goal of all of this is to wake up, remember who we really are, and consciously release our attachments to physical life so that we aren't boomeranged back into a human body on Earth? If you are still attached to the physical world, you WILL boomerang back and will not level up. I think part of what we are trying to do here is get off the endless cycle of coming back over and over. When you can achieve that, you graduate and don't have to repeat levels over and over again. You have, at that point, achieved ascension.

Home is not to be feared. 

We are eternal beings.

Intimacy and Sex in Dreams

Let's talk about sex. It is a subject that many are uncomfortable talking about. I mean, I am a recovering prude myself when it comes to this topic. I have been wanting to talk about this subject for ages based on my personal experiences with it, but I have held back writing a blog post about it.

I am an advocate for the dreamer being the best interpreter for their own dreams because often a dream symbol might have a completely different meaning to one person than it does for another. I feel you have to use what you felt and sensed at the time of the dream. I don't often use dream dictionaries, but when I am stumped by what a symbol could mean, I often go to Dream Moods and see what they have to say. Sometimes I can agree with their meaning of a symbol and other time it just feels way off. You have to go with what YOU sense and not rely solely on a dream dictionary.

In the case of sex in my dreams, I very rarely think the sex has anything to do with actual intimacy with a person outside of self. Lol I often think of it as the only way our human minds can translate the act of merging with an aspect of self.

Graphic details alert! If you don't want to read graphic sexual details, please read no further.

This is a dream I had about Dave Grohl from the Foo Fighters:

November 28, 2015 4:52am I just woke laughing from a dream. I had just been having sex with Dave Grohl on the stairs and it was fucking amazing!

The dream starts with me hearing people talking about me. Some of them are family and they are saying how I am sometimes rough with the kids...like stern and not warm and fuzzy. I pull open a curtain to see who they were talking to and one of the people I see is Taylor, the drummer for the Foo Fighters. Apparently one of the kids I was "rough" with was either his kid or a nephew. I wasn't apologetic at all. I was just like "whatever" it feels like Taylor is interested in me but I am not really giving him my time. I am intrigued by him but that is all. And then later Dave Grohl comes out and I get all smiley. I was listening to some of his music on the Surface and he was all..."well if you would rather play my music than hang with me..." He was funny and I put the Surface down and moved some things off the couch so he could sit. I take out some gum from my mouth so I can talk properly with him and I dispose of it in a paper towel. We ended up wrestling on the floor and I was all like "I could totally take you" and yet I was underneath him. Lol We ended up going out of the room and started heading up the stairs because I think it was clear we both wanted to be with each other but we never quite made it up the stairs. He starts kissing me, tells me how beautiful I am and it all felt real and then he is inside of me and I am moving against him. I randomly think how his bandmate is going to be annoyed because I went on several dates with him and nothing ever happened between us. Lol He is nearly at his pinnacle and he stops me so he can hold it. And then some of the others come around the corner and I am laying there with Dave inside me and feeling a little embarrassed to be caught in the act. Someone threw some popcorn in the air and it went everywhere and some got stuck in the curls of my hair. Dave and I stand and I am trying to brush the popcorn out if my hair and I am laughing. I am wearing a black band t-shirt and it is over sized so you couldn't see my nakedness underneath. I see someone pass who I identify as Lee Majors and there were other famous people but I can't remember who. Lol I woke up with the biggest smile on my face and laughing.

Dave Grohl

Interpretation:

Now I could get my fan girl on and think "OMG I just had astral sex with Dave Grohl!" But that isn't what I think at all. What we have to ask is, what does Dave represent to me? To me the stand out quality in Dave is his sense of humor. His music is great but I am madly in love with him because of the combination of his talent and his sense of humor. The guy is funny and entertaining. Every show of his I have been to has been special because he managed to make me and everyone there laugh. He engages the audience and makes you feel like he really wants to be right there with you. So for me, Dave represents the funny and playful side of me. It was showing me integrating that aspect of me through the physical merging, through the act of sex. And I can look at my life recently and see how this is very true. I have rediscovered my sense of humor. It is most evident in some of my comments in the Sum 41 community, but it is very much there...the humor and playfulness that I love about Dave Grohl is part of me now and more at the surface of who I am.

Deryck Whibley - Photo by Scott Trippler

Deryck Whibley is the front man for the band, Sum 41. Two and a half years ago he collapsed and nearly died due to alcohol abuse. It was a long hard road to recovery but despite everything, he persevered and didn't give up.  His perseverance has paid off and when I see him in dreams, this is what he represents to me... perseverance.

This is a dream I had about him:

September 3, 2016 5:22 am I dreamed of Deryck. We were together at some house. There was something about the basement being demolished and renovated. It was completely open now. Everything that had once been there was now gone including internal walls and furniture. I can't remember why but we get up early together. Deryck moves closer to me and I am happy about it. He wants to know if we can do something together. It feels like he mentions dancing together and maybe there is something about a song. I can't remember specifically. I just remember that he gets even closer so that he is touching me and we start kissing.

Interpretation:

To me this is about clearing away all the old shit and becoming really open. The mention of the song seems to suggest not giving up on an old dream of making music. And Deryck, of course, represents perseverance and not giving up. Having an intimate moment with him was about starting to integrate that aspect of self into me.

Deryck Whibley - Photo by Ysa Taylor

June 1, 2016 10:16 am I had some CRAZY dreams last night. I will recall the most vivid one first. I dreamed of Deryck and he is talking about how he has trouble getting erect. He seems to want to say something but is holding back. I gently coax him into telling me. He confesses that when he wears women's underwear, it helps to stimulate him into arousal and he wishes he could get stimulated without it because his girlfriend doesn't really like it that he needs the women's underwear to help him. I am sympathetic and tell him I kind of dig a man in silky underwear. I told him he shouldn't be ashamed or embarrassed...that it was perfectly okay. We started kissing and the kiss felt real. I don't think it went beyond a kiss

Interpretation:
Because Deryck represents perseverance and not giving up on your dreams (for me), it seems to be showing me that I am having difficulty getting started....getting going. You need an erect penis to get going with sex. The limp penis represents the lack of enthusiasm about moving forward and not giving up on something. I want to get excited and pursue an old dream, but I need something more to help get me excited as represented by the unusual act of the wearing women's underwear to excite him. This is very true to how I have been feeling for a while. The fact that in both dreams Deryck and I only kiss seems to represent I am only kind of flirting with idea of merging with that aspect of me. Now when I finally see Deryck and I engage in full on sex and do more than just kiss, we can see this as symbolic of not giving up and perseverance coming into the forefront, of full integration. I have flirted with the idea of trying to sing again, but I haven't actually completely revived that dream and put perseverance into action there.

That last dream is a perfect segue into discussing unusual and sometimes disturbing sexual encounters in your dreams. I know when I have had some eyebrow raising sex scenes in dreams, my first response was WTF?!!! And my second response was to think that it was very disturbing that my subconscious was conjuring this stuff up for me to see. But if you apply the whole "sex is an integration of an aspect of self" idea, it becomes a LOT less disturbing.

Anal sex to some people is no big deal and kudos to you for being a more adventurous person than me. I had a dream that involved anal sex. I was a willing participant and actually seemed to enjoy the experience in the dream...which was strange to me since it really isn't something I participate in personally. What I decided the dream was showing me is being in a state of allowing...a state of vulnerability. I struggle to allow and be vulnerable. If you are not in a complete state of allowing with anal sex, it will HURT like hell. In the dream it was pleasurable and it was consensual. In the dream, the other participant was my employer which would indicate this vulnerability and allowing is work related. The work I think it is speaking of is my writing and what I share with all of you. It hasn't always been easy to completely open and share and admit some of the things I have here, on Instagram and on Facebook, but I do so in hopes that sharing my journey with you will help someone along the way.

I have had dreams of having sex with different animals. Once I got past being traumatized by the visuals and went into understanding the symbols, I understood what wonderful symbolism it actually could be. I have merged with lions, stag deer, a spider-dog creature, and a donkey, to name a few. You have to research the symbolic meaning of each animal and see how you could be integrating their qualities into self. 

I had a few dreams in the last month or so about being a hermaphrodite and having sex with myself. At first glance it could seem pretty strange, but in reality it is a beautiful symbol of integrating and balancing the masculine and feminine in self.

Don't let fear and shame of what is considered taboo keep you away from the core meaning of the visuals you are seeing. Don't push it away, try not to think of it and consider it a "bad dream" because, in reality, it is a gift.

Dreams are an amazing way for our subconscious, our guides and Source to speak to us. They are like a rose bud with so many layers just waiting to be discovered. Sometimes the hidden meanings, the Easter eggs, aren't always obvious and we have to revisit the dream over and over to check to see if the petals are opening more and revealing the many layers of meaning that exist in them as we gain more knowledge and understanding.