I Looked Everywhere For U

Deserted Moment by Kay Nielsen, 1911

I got to work promptly at 4:00 a.m. and started doing my usual routine. During the course of my usual duties, something got shaken up and letters fell from my sign that was set up for blue. I found most of the pieces I lost, but I couldn't find u.

I looked everywhere for u. I turned on a light and searched high and low for u. I resolved that u were lost and I replaced u with another. 

I went into the place where I make my creations, I looked down and there u were, face down on the floor. I reached down to help u turnover and picked u up. I guessed u had hitched a ride on my shoe and had been with me all along.

I was happy to see u. I picked u up and decided to keep u with me. U might have been part of a sign but now u were mine. I think u were meant for me.

Red, Meet Blue

 

It's weird when the beginning chapter of your spiritual journey meets the ending chapter.

Red, meet  Blue 

I was guided to various characters on my journey to help me learn about me and heal certain aspects of self...some living, some dead. Each character had specific colors show up repeatedly in dreams and in the waking state that represented the chakra issues I was working through via studying them and observing their lives. Usually there was always something being highlighted through recognizing a pattern in their life. That pattern usually existed in my life, as well, which gave me the opportunity to change something and clear a blockage.

Red always showed up in dreams for Deryck Whibley from Sum 41. He also wears a lot of red, too.  Red is the color of the root chakra which can be about survival and security. His presence was highlighting my own root chakra issues by acting as a mirror. I learned a lot and healed a lot during my time with Deryck.

Blue always showed up in dreams for Keanu Reeves from Dogstar. He also chooses blue for his guitar and his motorcycle. Blue is the color of the throat chakra and is all about communication. His presence was highlighting areas in my own life where I need to communicate better by observing all the ways he doesn't communicate authentically. 

I think there were also some daddy issues that Keanu helped shine a spotlight on because of his own daddy issues.  Why was I so angry about people believing he is such a saintly nice guy that his PR team pushes so often when it isn't actually true? Because when my father was abusing his family, no one believed us when we tried to tell them. They couldn't believe that such a good church going man would do such a thing.

Do I feel completely healed now that I'm feeling I'm at the end of my journey?

Not really. 

I think I probably still have a lot of work to do but little motivation to do it at this point. 

Thirteen years have passed since my spiritual journey started and the cocoon stage in which the caterpillar becomes goo that I have been in for some time has produced nothing. 

No beautiful butterfly.

No wings.

I'm still a blob of goo, I guess.

I just work a lot, feel exhausted a lot. 

I don't focus on my dreams much anymore. I'm lucky if I can remember anything from them.

I'm grateful to have a job and be able to pay for the things we need. I don't hate my job and think "OMG I don't want to be here."  But I do think, "This isn't really what I dreamed my life would be one day. "

My dreams didn't come to fruition. There have not really been fruits for my labor of the past 13 years.

It is what it is, I guess. I will make the best of it. I always do.

I feel fortunate to have had the opportunity to go see, in person, two of the people who Spirit guided me to, Deryck/red and Laura Jane Grace/yellow. It felt like closure of those chapters. When I didn't think Dogstar were going to play anywhere near me, I was bummed. But now they are playing near me and I have a ticket to go to their show in September. 

So, when I saw the picture of Keanu standing next to Deryck, it gave me pause and caused me to reflect on this long spiritual journey of mine. 

I don't know what will come after the Dogstar show. I haven't been guided in any specific direction, so your guess is as good as mine.

I guess I will just play it by ear and let the wind take me where it will.

Resurrection

"Meeting of souls in the Universe" 1946, by Jan Konupek (1883 -1950)

Resurrection 

From my slumber

Dark soul sublime

Come back humbler

Appreciate 

What came before

Pain creations

And pen restored

Admiration 

Word tailor me

Come back to life

Allowed to breathe 

Oktobre Taylor

Ready or Not

'Belehrung' by Sergius Hruby, 1935

The Eighth day

Of an eight year

Dancing to a tune

A rare feat 

Blue bunny

And a Blue boy

Once in a blue moon

They shall meet

Oktobre Taylor 

The Crow: 30 Years Later

I went to see the original The Crow movie last night. It was the 30th anniversary of its release. Thirty years ago I was in my Midwestern home town. A friend told me I had to see it with her. She had already seen it once but said she would happily see it again. 

It took my breath away.

Immediately after the viewing we went to a nearby field next to a trail and watched as a million fireflies flashed, lighting up the night sky. It felt magical as I processed what I had just viewed on screen.

About a week later, I would pack up my car of everything I could fit in and drive 2000 miles to Portland, Oregon. I was 25 and it was the first time I was truly on my own with no safety net. 

I arrived June 7th and the Crow soundtrack became part of the soundtrack of my life. I played it on repeat that year. It was my solace when I cried so many tears and tried to adjust to being somewhere so unfamiliar and knowing absolutely no one. I ended up seeing the movie a total of seven times in the theater. Yesterday makes eight times.

The Crow will always hold a very special place in my heart. Despite the violence, above all, it is a love story. It is a story of overcoming darkness, transcendence and prevailing in the end...even if that is in the afterworld.

Spirited Away

The below was originally posted on Facebook and Instagram October 28, 2019. I was thinking about it after listening to Billie Eilish's song, 'Chihiro'.

I went to see Spirited Away today in the theater. This time I watched it, I understood so much more of the deeper meanings of the various characters.

No Face is both the darkness and loneliness that can consume us and showing how greed can consume us. I believe it was actually the shadow self to Haku who is later revealed to be a River Spirit. 

Haku and No Face were saved and restored to freedom, truth and balance by the purity and love of Chihiro. Chihiro demonstrated being of service to others and loving unconditionally no matter how difficult the tasks were. She persevered and worked hard to help those she loved. No Face found a place to call home and a companion. Haku was given freedom through the restoration of his true identity. 

Through her good choices, she found her way out of what started out as a nightmare but ended up being the experience that freed her from the fear and darkness she had prior to going within...to the other side. The big change of her family's move no longer scared her. She could now embrace the new experience easily and without resistance. 

I'm Like a Bird

Photo by Sergio Larrain

Recently I was having a conversation with my daughter about music and she mentioned that she likes a couple songs by Nelly Furtado. I let her know that she was popular back in the 90s and that I had bought one of her CDs back then and I enjoyed some of her music.

Fast forward a few days and I was listening to the OKOP podcast as I often do while I am working and one of them mentions something like, "It's like that song where they sing 'I'm like a bird'" but they struggled with remembering who the artist was. I knew right away who they meant. It was Sophia who finally said it was by Nelly. She was close, but was only missing her last name "Furtado". 

On the following day, I was at work listening to Venusian Soul Tarot and at the beginning of the reading she says, "I'm hearing a song by Nelly Furtado and the lyrics I'm hearing are 'I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away".  I admit that I was a little freaked out by this coincidence because it has been a long time since I have gotten any signs and synchronicities that made me sit up and take notice. I thought okay, maybe this is a message for me but they usually come in threes for me. I didn't really consider the conversation about Nelly Furtado the same as the others because the songs that my daughter said she likes didn't include "I'm Like a Bird".

Yesterday, I was at work doing what I do. I went out to restock the pastry case and I heard a song playing that was familiar. I thought, "Surely this isn't what I think it is." And then I heard the familiar lyric, "I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away". As I paused and listened, I got chills and smiled. 

What are the odds? I considered what a weird coincidence I had been experiencing with this song. Except if I was feeling more spiritual, I would KNOW it was a message for me and be able to understand the message.

I have no idea what the message is in the recurrence of this song, but I will post the lyrics here so I can come back later and ponder the possibilities.

Photo by Sergio Larrain 

"I'm Like A Bird"

You're beautiful, that's for sure

You'll never ever fade

You're lovely, but it's not for sure

That I won't ever change

And though my love is rare

Though my love is true

I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away

I don't know where my soul is (Soul is)

I don't know where my home is

And baby, all I need for you to know is

I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away

I don't know where my soul is (Soul is)

I don't know where my home is

All I need for you to know is

Your faith in me brings me to tears (Oh)

Even after all these years, years

And it pains me so much to tell

That you don't know me that well

And though my love is rare

Though my love is true

I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away

I don't know where my soul is (Soul is)

I don't know where my home is

And baby, all I need for you to know is

I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away

I don't know where my soul is (Soul is)

I don't know where my home is

And baby, all I need for you to know is

It's not that I wanna say goodbye

It's just that every time you try

To tell me, me that you love me (Oh-oh)

Each and every single day

I know I'm gonna have to eventually

Give you away

And though my love is rare, rare, rare

And though my love is true, yeah

Hey, I'm just scared

That we may fall through

Yeah, yeah-yeah, yeah, yeah

I'm like a bird (I'm like a bird)

I don't know where my soul is (Soul is)

I don't know where my home is

And baby, all I need for you to know is

I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away

I don't know where my soul is (Soul is)

I don't know where my home is

And baby, all I need for you to know is

I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away

(I don't know where my soul is)

I don't know where my soul is (Soul is)

(I don't know where my home is, oh)

I don't know where my home is

And baby, all I need for you to know is

I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away

(I don't know where my soul is)

(I don't know where my home is)

I don't know where my soul is (Soul is)

I don't know where my home is

And baby, all I need for you to know is

I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away

I don't know where my soul is (Soul is)

I don't know where my home is

And baby, all I need for you to know is

I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away

I don't know where my soul is (Soul is)

I don't know where my home is

Kurt

30 years ago today...

I wonder what music you would have made had you not left the world too soon?

When I heard the news of your passing, I thought you were a selfish asshole.

Ever since you haunted my dreams, I don't feel that way anymore. 

You didn't kill yourself.

September 6, 2022

As I was waking I heard, "I didn't kill myself."