Fire Beast From the Sea

Godzilla by Moonlight by Brian Reedy

DREAM

Last night I dreamed about these people who had all gotten together. The crowd dispersed and it was just three people left behind....two women and a male. All of these crazy drama scenarios played out between the  three. I can't remember details, just that it was rather movie like and both women were pursuing the male at different times.

Later, a large number of people returned and it seems to be a class reunion and even more drama and insanity ensues. It feels like chaos and no one notices that a fire beast from the sea had arrived to burn them all. People are running frantically around, but this building was pretty much incinerated. .

A couple of people escaped the building under attack and moved to one next door. They had to break a window with four panes of glass and locks on each pane in order to get inside. The floor that they were on was upper levels. The furniture and decor was nice and well maintained. It felt like a wealthy person lived here. They were watching the fire beast and hoping it didn't come to the building they were now in. .

They discovered a man who obviously lived there. He was sitting on a comfortable chair playing bagpipes and the tune of the bagpipes was drawing the beast to him. When he saw that the people saw him, he suddenly became invisible but continued to call the beast to his location knowing entirely he would be destroyed as well, but he continued.

Dream Journal Entry: September 28, 2019

Harbinger of Late Winter Day's Dusk by Jave Yoshimoto

INTERPRETATION

Immediately I saw a reference to nuclear radiation coming from the sea as the fire beast. Fukushima has been leaking radiation into the ocean for many years now and with a recent big dump of radioactive water into the sea, it has given the beast's tongue fire to reach far and wide. I also felt that all the drama, chaos and insanity was directly relating to Hollywood...Los Angeles. It is very easy to see Los Angeles as a modern day Sodom and Gomorrah which is mentioned in the Bible.

Los Angeles is a cess pool full of debauchery, drama, insanity and chaos. They crank out their drama and shit it out as "entertainment", put a bow on it and sell it to us. And we buy it. We gobble that shit up as greedy consumers without thinking twice about the  thoughts and images we are filling our heads with and willingly programming ourselves to be just as fucked up and depraved. The programs program us.

Our thoughts create our own reality.

Unconscious people and conscious people fall under the spell of the entertainment industry. The Walking Dead, Game of Thrones, The Handmaid's Tale, American Horror Story.

We cheerfully socialize online about the depravity we watch and beg for more. Meanwhile, we are creating by what we are watching, reading and thinking about after. We call it entertainment but it is insidious. It is a darkness so dark we don't even realize it is devouring our brains and turning us into slaves and puppets.

Hokusai by Ocean Clark

The fire beast was being called because a judgement has been made and the city of insane plastic people with no moral compasses is scheduled to be destroyed... maybe slowly, maybe quickly. I have recently seen it in multiple dreams... references to nuclear radiation, skin melting and dwellings that can withstand nuclear fallout. The fire beast is being directed towards that location with purpose to destroy the wicked.

Some will run away but the fire beast will find them where they are hiding.

I'm never fearful in my dreams...just observing the events unfold.

My dream caused me to look up Revelation 13 where it talks about the beast from the sea and the mark of the beast.

The Great Godzilla off Kanagawa Art Print by dinomike

Revelation 13 King James Version (KJV)13 And I stood upon the sand of the sea, and saw a beast rise up out of the sea, having seven heads and ten horns, and upon his horns ten crowns, and upon his heads the name of blasphemy. 

2 And the beast which I saw was like unto a leopard, and his feet were as the feet of a bear, and his mouth as the mouth of a lion: and the dragon gave him his power, and his seat, and great authority. 

3 And I saw one of his heads as it were wounded to death; and his deadly wound was healed: and all the world wondered after the beast. 

4 And they worshipped the dragon which gave power unto the beast: and they worshipped the beast, saying, Who is like unto the beast? who is able to make war with him? 

5 And there was given unto him a mouth speaking great things and blasphemies; and power was given unto him to continue forty and two months. 

6 And he opened his mouth in blasphemy against God, to blaspheme his name, and his tabernacle, and them that dwell in heaven. 

7 And it was given unto him to make war with the saints, and to overcome them: and power was given him over all kindreds, and tongues, and nations. 

8 And all that dwell upon the earth shall worship him, whose names are not written in the book of life of the Lamb slain from the foundation of the world. 

9 If any man have an ear, let him hear. 

10 He that leadeth into captivity shall go into captivity: he that killeth with the sword must be killed with the sword. Here is the patience and the faith of the saints. 

11 And I beheld another beast coming up out of the earth; and he had two horns like a lamb, and he spake as a dragon. 

12 And he exerciseth all the power of the first beast before him, and causeth the earth and them which dwell therein to worship the first beast, whose deadly wound was healed. 

13 And he doeth great wonders, so that he maketh fire come down from heaven on the earth in the sight of men, 

14 And deceiveth them that dwell on the earth by the means of those miracles which he had power to do in the sight of the beast; saying to them that dwell on the earth, that they should make an image to the beast, which had the wound by a sword, and did live. 

15 And he had power to give life unto the image of the beast, that the image of the beast should both speak, and cause that as many as would not worship the image of the beast should be killed. 

16 And he causeth all, both small and great, rich and poor, free and bond, to receive a mark in their right hand, or in their foreheads: 

17 And that no man might buy or sell, save he that had the mark, or the name of the beast, or the number of his name. 

18 Here is wisdom. Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast: for it is the number of a man; and his number is Six hundred threescore and six.

Art by Brian Reedy

The deadly wound to one of the heads on the beast that is healed feels like a direct reference to the insane plastic surgery that is promoted in the land of plastic people. Gotta stay youthful looking to keep churning shit out for Hollywood. Don't ever let them see you age or the suits will chew you up, spit you out and look to a much younger version of you. They made you and can break you too.

It is my opinion that the mark of the beast description directly relates to mobile phone usage. Heads down, right hand holding the phone. We can pay for almost everything from our phones. 5G towers have raised alarm bells for some, but 6G, which is already being developed as we speak, will mark the end. Those who run those companies know full well the dangers related to cell phone usage and their towers. They know radiation is being put into our hands and directly into our brains. They have known for a long time and yet we keep increasing the radiation levels.

I have been aware for years about the dangers and yet I hold my phone and write this blog post, understanding fully how detrimental it can be to my health.

Art by Brian Reedy

The difference with my understanding and those of most is that when I came to a place of futility and hopelessness about the future for humanity, I chose to release my fear of death by going within and taking a deeply spiritual journey to discover what I believe comes after death, which ended up becoming a journey back to self.

I don't fear death now at all.

Earth is graduating with or without us to the next level.

There isn't much time left for any of us, so the only thing left to do is make a choice and decide if you are going to be part of those harvested to move forward or part of those being recycled to try again until they get it right and finally graduate... somewhere other than Earth.

Satan is Within

This is a conversation that took place on Facebook with my friend, Mariolga, after I posted a link to the previous blog post.

Mariolga: David and I have discussed this quite a bit. Christ goes into more detail in the Book of Matthew (Matthew 13:24-43.) It helps us to refine our understanding of the Harvest spoken about in the Apocryphon of John (Revelation.)  There is much confusion that the enemy has sewn in regards to the Harvest.

Me: I don't completely understand the "enemy" part of your comment. Could you please expound? 

I tend to think we often are our own worst enemy with the many thoughts and beliefs that don't serve our highest good like, 

"I wish I was as pretty as her." 

"I'm fat and ugly."

"I want that and that and that."

"I wish I could fit in." 

"No one can be trusted."

"I'm not good enough."

"I hate myself."

Just as God is within, so is the enemy....the shadow self that threatens to take us down into the depths of misery and hopelessness. 

Everything outside of us, first starts within us.

Mari: In the scripture cited above (Matthew 13:39), it tells us the enemy is the devil (AKA, the great dragon, the old serpent also called Satan and the Devil. Rev.12:9). 

Somebody once said, "The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist."

Me: See, I can see that metaphorically. The roar and fire of the dragon can exist in all of us. To not be aware of his/her presence means he remains neglected and wild. There is danger of the dragon taking over when we least expect it and incinerating everything in it's path. You knew me as my dragon self and I roared and burned those around me with no regard for them whatsoever. I know I burned you with the fire of my words and I regret unleashing the untamed beast within me in such a way.

But I gave my dragon inside love, attention and understanding and tamed their volatile tendencies by giving them tools to make different and better choices.

My dragon is my strength in her tamed state. She no longer seeks to destroy all who get in her way or when they upset her. Now that fiery serpent is my ally and friend. I talk to her and  help her through difficult moments. And when I struggle, she lends me her strength to help me stand strong when I feel I might crumble.

I have no sense of an outside force I need to battle. My battle was within and now we live together in harmony and love.

Art by rt0no

I looked up the Bible passages my friend suggested and will insert my thoughts in bold.

Matthew 13:24-30 (NIV)

24 Jesus told them another parable: “The kingdom of heaven is like a man who sowed good seed in his field. 25 But while everyone was sleeping, his enemy came and sowed weeds among the wheat, and went away. 26 When the wheat sprouted and formed heads, then the weeds also appeared.

Thoughts are things and someone who is "sleeping" unconsciously creates. While we are sleeping, we sow seeds of the enemy within...our millions of unconscious thoughts and beliefs.

27 “The owner’s servants came to him and said, ‘Sir, didn’t you sow good seed in your field? Where then did the weeds come from?’

28 “‘An enemy did this,’ he replied.

“The servants asked him, ‘Do you want us to go and pull them up?’

Here the servants within ask what is to be done. But you have to let the weeds grow and then take a magnifying glass and look inside to identify the weeds...the patterns of self destructive behaviors and beliefs by looking at the whole of our lives and past lives.

29 “‘No,’ he answered, ‘because while you are pulling the weeds, you may uproot the wheat with them. 30 Let both grow together until the harvest. At that time I will tell the harvesters: First collect the weeds and tie them in bundles to be burned; then gather the wheat and bring it into my barn.’”

When we sift through our lives with self reflection as our sieve, we make the unconscious, conscious, we identify the weeds and pull them one by one and replace them with new thoughts and beliefs. We remove all that was never really us at our core and become our purest and truest version of ourselves. We are panning for the gold within ourselves and clearing out all that prevents us from shining and making the gold visible to the outside world.

We are then able to stand naked and pure in the garden without shame or trying to hide.

Art by Liza Lambertini

Matthew 13:36-43 (NIV)

36 Then he left the crowd and went into the house. His disciples came to him and said, “Explain to us the parable of the weeds in the field.”

37 He answered, “The one who sowed the good seed is the Son of Man. 38 The field is the world, and the good seed stands for the people of the kingdom. The weeds are the people of the evil one, 39 and the enemy who sows them is the devil. The harvest is the end of the age, and the harvesters are angels.

As within, so without.

The external population reflects our internal population. Sadly, it is easy to use words that people misunderstand. "The devil" and "the enemy" to us are our own false beliefs and unconscious thoughts. They are the things we are taught directly or indirectly through reinforcement that leads us to a place of self-loathing, insecurity, self harm and defensiveness. It is the untamed beast within who reins freely. 

Our beast is the army that we approach each other with and why real connection is now rare. We are all armed and ready to neutralize potential threats. The beast is the shadow self begging to have all of those damaged and wounded places inside us seen, acknowledged, understood and loved.

Darkness and the shadow isn't an enemy we need to destroy. When we tame the dragon by teaching them all we know and help them, love them, they can become our best friend and trusted ally.

Darkness is half of duality, the sacred feminine, it is half of us and yet you think it needs to be destroyed. Darkness untamed is a rage that destroys until you hold her close and say, "I'm sorry I neglected you. I love you. Please come sit beside me so you are never forgotten again."

40 “As the weeds are pulled up and burned in the fire, so it will be at the end of the age. 41 The Son of Man will send out his angels, and they will weed out of his kingdom everything that causes sin and all who do evil. 42 They will throw them into the blazing furnace, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth. 43 Then the righteous will shine like the sun in the kingdom of their Father. Whoever has ears, let them hear.

September 11, 2019 Heard in the in-between, "My ears have been opened to hear and my mind has been opened to see."

This Bible passage is ALL about transformation. It is all about purification and burning away all that which is not us and no longer serves us. It is the fires of purification, the tower moments that cause us to fall apart. But sometimes, when we break, we are breaking down old thoughts, patterns and beliefs and can leave them out when we put ourselves back together.

We ARE the angels that have been sent out to destroy the parts of ourselves that are doing more harm than good. The journey back to self, if we are brutally honest and genuinely want to change, is the hardest journey we will ever experience. It will cause thousands of versions of self to die off and each death is painful. You will be left in a puddle of your own emotional blood, having to rise over and over, each rising leaving you more weary than the last. 

At the end of it all, we are not the same people we were before. We are better with our new tools of communication and perspective that helps us get the lessons from every situation. We are less reactive and can now pause before we act and respond. We can stop and think, "When I was like them, what did I need to hear? What did I need to experience? How would I want to be treated if I were them?"

Art by Omar Rayyan

Revelation 12:9 (NIV)

9 The great dragon was hurled down—that ancient serpent called the devil, or Satan, who leads the whole world astray. He was hurled to the earth, and his angels with him.

The great error of the Bible is wording that makes it seem like there is an outside force making us do anything.

Satan is within...just as God is within.

The sooner we embrace them both as two sides of the same coin that is us, the sooner peace and harmony will manifest into our outer reality. When we try to blame some outside-of-self force, we divorce ourselves into a state of separated duality. We create a bi-polar world where we think there is a great battle where we are always battling each other. And so our reality is full of chaos and war.

Without embracing and loving our darkness and lightness equally, we will always be divided.. inside and outside.

In order to truly know and love ourselves, we have to love both the light and dark within. In order to ever be balanced we have to show acceptance for the whole and take responsibility for all that we manifest in our individual realities and stop blaming it on any outside beings.

Art by Justin Gerard

We ARE our own savior's and heros.

Satan is within.

I love my mighty dragon deeply.

Satan and God sit on my heart throne together as one united being and rule from a place of love, wisdom and balance.

Death of the Body and the Great Harvest

Photo by Croix Gagnon and Frank Schott

What if...

...one of the purposes of this virtual playground is to create new souls and help them evolve to their highest potential before "harvesting" them to use them to seed new planets outside of the game in the real world?

What if our "Father" is like a seahorse but actually more of an energetic hermaphrodite who gives birth to billions of eggs? What if those eggs look like "life on planet Earth" and the energy goes from one thing to another to another until it becomes human? What if the human is the ultimate egg where our guides work hard to help us develop into the best versions we can be?

I believe fully that the human body and character we perform isn't a real girl or boy until the body dies. The body has it's own consciousness separate from all the drivers who take turns driving and all the passengers who are there to develop themselves by helping us develop.

Photo by Croix Gagnon and Frank Schott

I have had so many people traipsing through me internally, you would think someone is giving guided tours of me.

"Over here you can see heart damage from past life trauma. This is where her accumulated baggage used to be but it has recently been discarded and is now in a virtual museum for others to view."

There are all of these other personas who have had a hand in helping the Oktobre character come to the place she currently is in gestation. But here is the thing, thousands of people could perform her role throughout her lifetime and Oktobre might have never known. The character, Oktobre, doesn't usually feel much different as they come and go which changes the mix that is in the bowl. The only signs are subtle changes like suddenly starting to crave slightly sweet things when she never cared for sweet anything before. Maybe one day she notices that nudity in art makes her feel uncomfortable when before she just thought it beautiful and felt no discomfort at all.

Photo by Croix Gagnon and Frank Schott

A good portion of who she is and what she feels mostly stays the same. Maybe gradual changes take place as different drivers help her grow, but for the most part, the character has a specific flavor unique to her.

Knowing that these different people are inside helping steer the ship makes me stop sometimes and think, "But what about Oktobre? What about what she wants and deserves?"

When I went on a crazy Scooby Doo adventure regarding Kurt's murder, I stopped and said, "You guys had your opportunity at a life and you fucked it up. Oktobre needs to have her life and she was never a junkie because she made different choices. She isn't perfect, but she needs a chance to live HER life and not the unfinished business of people who died  young."

Photo by Croix Gagnon and Frank Schott

The truth is, she is still growing inside the womb that is the body. When she is her most miserable, they can leave but she would remain in her state of misery and unhappiness. It is cruel to make her remain when they can all leave when it gets too much.

When the body dies, the consciousness that belongs to the body and character is born into being. The character we perform is the most important child we will give birth to, so how we help them develop internally is the most important job we have.

When someone dies too soon and too young, they would be considered preemies because their character hadn't been given time to fully develop. The gestation period was cut short for whatever reason. As is the case with some of the smaller preemies, those born too soon to the other side can be placed into an incubator in order to more fully develop. The incubator they can be placed in is us. We can act as a surrogate body and jointly help them grow with us. Maybe you never even notice and maybe you create a beautiful symbiotic relationship with your preemie you carry with you. When the host body dies, all are born or born again one could say.

In the Christian Bible in the book of Revelation, a great harvest is described. I believe fully that this is the time the souls that have been born into being within this virtual world will be taken and harvested in order to seed new worlds with energy forms that have already reached a point of evolution where we won't destroy our world and self destruct. Souls that haven't reached that point will not be taken, but will remain, the reality reset and they will have to start over until they get to the point of evolution they need to be in order to not be a danger to themselves and others.

Death really is birth.

Photo by Croix Gagnon and Frank Schott

When you fully understand this, you cannot be afraid of death. What you should concern yourself with is, "Have I grown and developed this character to its fullest potential?"

Have you become heart centered?
Are you authentic?
Do you communicate constructively and effectively?
Do you understand there aren't any sides to take?
Have you taken the journey back to self?
Do you take full responsibility for yourself and the reality you create with your own thoughts?
Do you regularly use the golden rule to navigate your actions toward others?
Do you see each challenge as an opportunity to learn something?

There is a lot we can do to grow and expand but there isn't a lot of time left before the great harvest happens.

Are you ready?

Photo by Croix Gagnon and Frank Schott

Revelation 14:14-16¹⁴And I looked, and behold a white cloud, and upon the cloud one sat like unto the Son of man, having on his head a golden crown, and in his hand a sharp sickle. ¹⁵ And another angel came out of the temple, crying with a loud voice to him that sat on the cloud, Thrust in thy sickle, and reap: for the time is come for thee to reap; for the harvest of the earth is ripe. ¹⁶ And he that sat on the cloud thrust in his sickle on the earth; and the earth was reaped.

Revelation 14:17-20¹⁷And another angel came out of the temple which is in heaven, he also having a sharp sickle. ¹⁸ And another angel came out from the altar, which had power over fire; and cried with a loud cry to him that had the sharp sickle, saying, Thrust in thy sharp sickle, and gather the clusters of the vine of the earth; for her grapes are fully ripe. ¹⁹ And the angel thrust in his sickle into the earth, and gathered the vine of the earth, and cast it into the great winepress of the wrath of God. ²⁰ And the winepress was trodden without the city, and blood came out of the winepress, even unto the horse bridles, by the space of a thousand and six hundred furlongs.

Dream: Cupid's Arrow in the Big Apple

Art by Henri Pierre Picou

Dream Journal Entry: September 9, 2019 I was in an apartment with some people. It feels like we haven't been here long and we are still getting sorted. I notice a spot on the wall. When you walk in, it is to the right. I look closer at the spot and, as it turns out, it is a window that the landlord can see in and watch everything we are doing. We all feel upset about this. There is something mentioned about the kids using the toilet and leaving the door open so she can see everything. Later I look at the spot and it is bigger now and I can see her at her desk watching me. She waves and smiles. I feel like I want to have a conversation about this with her because it doesn't feel right.

People are getting ready for bed and the bed has been moved to a central area because it is less visible than in the bedroom. I then notice the whole wall is a window, but not just a window but a door. I see the landlord had a whole bed and room and I go inside thinking it doesn't seem right that I am paying rent for her to stay here. I go in and get in bed with her and she seems startled by this. I only remember sleeping there but it seems like something has occurred but I can't remember what. I wanted to tell someone about it. I thought if she was going to watch us, I would show her how it feels and I just never left the room until I woke.

Art by Hans Zatzka

Later I seem to be in New York City and I am wandering around. Then it seems I am at some sort of children's activity with a little girl and another person. For some reason, I had taken off my shoes here. When the activities were complete, we moved to leave, the three of us, but when I got out the door, I realized I didn't have my shoes. The woman with me said they had probably already thrown them away. I thought I would try anyway. I asked some of the workers because the shoes were no longer where I had been. They said they had probably been thrown away and pointed me to a large bin where all the trash was going. I found lots of shoes but I couldn't find mine. In fact, I couldn't even remember what mine looked like, so I just decided to go bare foot. I knew it could be difficult to navigate the streets of new york without shoes, but I did it anyway. The woman and the child had wandered away and I thought I could meet up with them again somewhere else. 

Before I went up to street level, some woman was trying to shoot me with something. I didn't know what, so I dodged it at first and it missed. She shot at me again and this time it got me. I looked and there was a metal hook shape with pink fluid inside and I looked at my left arm where it hit. I picked up the other hook with fluid in it and I am comparing the two and can see that the one that hit me, indeed, had less fluid so some of it made it inside me. The woman looks at my arm and sees it is swelling at the site of entry and she makes a sound like it isn't great then says, "That doesn't look good but it is better than the last person I tried it on. It is an experiment and it is something you will need in the future. Make sure you take a bath soon." And then she disappeared. I'm left behaving rather loopy and silly...sort of like i am high. 

I wandered through the streets and ended up finding a pair of shoes to put on. I walked for a while in those and then came to maybe a mall or something and I am playing in a water fountain, still seemingly high, and I am considering maybe this will be an okay alternative to a bath because I wasn't sure how long it would be before I got home.

Art by Hans Zatzka

Somehow I lose my shoes again and I just slip some white heals on and now I am with a companion and we are both making clip clop noises with our shoes and I am amused. I am telling my companion about the shot I was given and am saying it is for sexuality and that we are going to need it in the future. Now suddenly I am the companion and I am thinking, I probably need one of those too and thought it was lucky she had the hook with her that had initially missed her because maybe I could use it too.

I come up to some party that people are having and I just sit down with them. I apologize but said I just needed to take a break as I was still pretty loopy from the shot. They are cheerful and want to share cake with me. I am grateful. 

Art by Hans Zatzka

Now suddenly I am in my own home in Oregon and I see someone slide into my back yard from the right neighbors side. He is a bald, darker skinned man at first and he looks at me and says, "Oh, I guess this doesn't lead out." I said, "No, this is my back yard but I can get the gate for you if you like." He started walking toward me instead of the gate and I felt unsure. As he walked towards me, he turned into a woman with long dark hair and then as she entered the house she turned into a light skinned woman with blonde hair and now she is speaking with an Irish accent. I am looking at her intensely because she looks familiar and I am trying to place where I have seen her before. And then I started wondering if she was the sister of this really sweet and kind person I know.

She laughs and says, "Yes! Every time my brother mentions you, you should see him light up. He gets so excited." And then I started to wake up.

Ending Twin Flame Contracts for Healing & Completeion

Photo by Toni Frissell

My friend, Lindsay, and I have recently been having discussions about our health and growth. We noticed a curious thing. Despite the mountains of clearing and growth we have achieved, our bodies are not healing in the way we would expect with so much clearing. In fact, both of us feel worse and we are questioning how this could be.

"Clear out the inside shit and the outside shit will fall away," my guide said to me one morning. He meant my weight. And I fully believed this would be true. If I clear out my internal baggage, I could finally heal.

That is what I have whole heartedly believed this whole time and yet I have not gotten external results from my internal clearing. I keep diligently working to be the best me I can be and yet health wise, I am not getting better but worse.

Healer, heal they self.

How can I be an example to others if I can't figure out how to heal myself through my thoughts and beliefs? I'm doing the heavy lifting. I am a totally new person internally and yet I still woke up this morning gasping for air and having asthma symptoms which I hadn't for a long time.

I believe that everything I am doing should be able to completely heal me with no need for medical care. I believe in magic with all of my heart, so what could be the issue?

They have been showing me recently in dreams that a component of the game is what is slowly burying me.

"What game is that?" you may ask.

Most people know it as the Twin Flame Journey. Maybe you call it Sacred Union, Divine Partnership, whatever label you want to give it.

Photo by Toni Frissell

I do not believe at all that the other person is the other half of our soul. I believe they are classmates we have been assigned to. We give each other a small flame, a small spark of us to energetically tie us to them. Those tiny pieces are like the tiny magnetic robots that Hiro created in Big Hero 6. That tiny piece keeps trying to get back home and is dragging us with it.

But what that energetic tie also does, I now believe fully, is it causes us to be responsible for each other.

What I do to me, I also do to you.

If you knew that your self loathing was literally putting someone else's health at risk who you care deeply about, would you continue or would you change?

I think that is what hasn't been clear to me. The Twin Flame community often say that we can help heal our partners by healing ourselves, but they are coming from a perspective of being two halves of a whole.  That is not my perspective. I believe it really is a component of the game, part of the contract, to motivate us to treat ourselves better and change our thoughts so we aren't harming someone we love.

Photo by Toni Frissell

Whomever I have been energetically tied to must feel great with all the work and self love I have achieved. I think there have been several contracts for me. If our contracted partners aren't carrying their weight and doing their work, they will act as a cement block that will eventually kill us both.

I think once we grow enough and come into balance and self love within ourselves, and we realize we still aren't healing and that  the "twin flame" contract might be a noose around our necks, I think there is only one thing left to do. It is the highest act of self love to end all twin flame contracts in an effort to heal.

I think the Twin Flame journey was designed to bring us to a place of independence and discernment so that we aren't always sacrificing ourselves for a partner, so that we aren't losing who we are to try to make someone happy. So many relationships are dysfunctional and fail because we think we NEED each other, but that comes from a place of lack and brokenness. It isn't healthy or self loving to put your whole identity into another. I think all of the Twin Flame journey, which would be more accurately coined "The Journey Back to Self", was designed to bring us to a place of independent wholeness and self love so that when we decide to choose a partner, it will be from a place of strength and balance and not a place of need or lack.

Photo by Toni Frissell

I have come to the conclusion that the final step in the Twin Flame Journey is to end all outstanding contracts and bring all of my flames back to me so that I am responsible for no one but myself.

Union is optional. It isn't necessary for completeion.

Today I intend to do another intention spell to break all of my Flame contracts, because my need to heal is greater than my desire for contracted unions. That is the highest act of self love...to choose me and what is best for me over a partner no matter how much I love them.

Sacred Union is possible, but it has to be two sovereign beings who are BOTH in a place of balance and wholeness. Both have to be coming from a place of self love before they can hope to have a successful Sacred Union that is likely to stand the tests that are sure to come their way.

Photo by Toni Frissell

Recently in an in-between state I heard myself saying, "I don't need to fit anyone but me."

Is there a Sacred Union predestined for me? I have no idea. I tend to feel I get to consciously decide on partnership as I understand I am a conscious creator.

All I know for certain is that I complete this part of my journey today.

And so it is.

There Can Be Only One, Releasing

Art by Johfra Bosschart

I've been doing a lot of intention spells lately as a means to release those energetic connections that do more harm than good.

This morning as I was coming out of a dream about Kole and his brother still having a bunch of shit in their room to clear and the landlord wanting them gone, I saw a scene where someone was trying to take off a wedding band but no matter what he did, he couldn't. As I came out I knew I had to perform another intention spell. This one was harder to do than the others because there was emotional attachment due to the guidance they have offered me.

Awhile ago I created a protection spell and included some of these people in there. I encircled all of our names in gold...a gold circle...a gold band...a gold contract.

It was clear to me I had to release entirely and completely the dead ones who have guided me and choose the living. They represent extremes. Extremely nice, extremely aggressive, extremely passive, extremely fucked up, extremely perfect.

Art by g_host_lee on Instagram

What I need and desire in my life is balance. I released the extremes and only want balance...the center...the core self ..the God self. I only want those who are for my highest good in my life be they living or dead.

There was danger of one the dead one's baggage consuming my life. He already fucked up his life with the choices he made and now it was taking over mine by me feeling driven to try to get justice for him. I no longer will allow myself to take on the responsibility of someone else's baggage that doesn't belong to me be they living or dead.

So, this morning I cut out the names from their protected position, I bound them with feathers, the element of air. I lit the feathers and names on fire and let go with love and gratitude for all the lessons they gave me.

I broke bottles with their names on them to break any contracts I may have had with them.

There can be only ONE at the center of balance.

I will no longer talk about them or post pictures of them because I want my life to be my own and my dreams to be my own. I don't want to have a Scooby Doo mystery adventure where I am trying to solve murders. I want my dreams back as my own about me and my current life and not some unfinished business of other people I never even knew. I am done with all of that.

And if you happen to be one of those who has a problem with me letting the dead ones go and you want to judge me about it, that is your fucking problem and not mine.

This is MY journey. You aren't required to understand it or what I choose for me.

Art by Tsuyoshi Nagano

While it is very tempting to simply remove some of the recent blog posts, I will let them stand as a testament to the directions we take and the choices we can make to simply change the path we are currently traveling.

The only constant in life is change.

I shed my layers and the layers of others to become balanced and whole as a sovereign being connected to all that is but ultimately choosing my own Godself guidance over that of all others.

And so it is.

The Layers of Healing Addiction

Art by Marianna Gartner

Dream Journal Excerpt: June 28, 2017 There was some discussion about morphine and how I had my own version in coffee. Like somehow the coffee reduced my pain and was my addiction.

After composing the previous blog post, I felt overwhelmed with the idea of trying to revise and update the 12 Steps to assist those of us with addictions of various kinds.

I kept thinking, "I know my guides want me to do this but how do I achieve what they are asking of me? I don't want to fuck it up."

I told myself that all I could do is write about my experience, my feelings and where I am currently.

I feel the burden of responsibility of having to come up with written out steps to help people overcome addiction, because I am still an addict myself. Sure, I have cut back on coffee but it is still my monkey on my back, my precious.

Addiction is multilayered like that tattered blanket from my dream. (See below). There are layers to what drives us there and layers to what keeps us there. Comfort is probably the number one gateway feeling that leads us down that path. Escapism is high on the list because we don't want to have to face the long buried trauma and/or the truth of the current state of our lives.

Dream Journal Excerpt: August 7, 2019 I dreamed that Thomas, the kid I helped raise, had my blanket. He had been carrying it with him and dragging it everywhere on the ground behind him. It was in bad shape now but I didn't care. I still wanted it back so I stopped him and asked for it back and he get gave it to me. It was like a big thick comforter and it was coming apart at the bottom where it was being dragged. There were layers to it and other blankets inside. 

The dream made me think of Charles Schultz's Linus character from the Peanuts comic series. How many of us are dragging around a comforter that has actually started to leave us tattered and falling apart?

When you mix addiction with those who have suicidal thoughts and tendencies, scare tactics of telling us our addictions will lead to death have the opposite effect.

They say, "Salt will kill you" and I start piling the salt on because I'm like, "Maybe this is a means of exit."

So, to tell someone who already wants out that it will kill them doesn't help. They just do it more. For me, death is just an end to the pointlessness of it all.

We have to help people find a reason to stay. If there is no reason to stay, why try?

Kids often aren't enough reason to stay when you are in the depths of deep depression. In depression you can believe they would be better off without you.

As a spiritual person, death doesn't scare me... it merely opens the door to home and my true self and that understanding makes it more difficult to want to stay. When you look around and go "This is all just a fucking virtual reality" and the reality you are sitting in is a pool full of shit, it is hard to want to suck it up and stay at all costs. It is a factor in why people aren't motivated to end their addiction.

My coffee is the only thing I look forward to each day.

So, to tell me to give that up, I am like, "Why?"

The million dollar question is, what can replace coffee as that thing I look forward to everyday to keep me in the game? What is something that is healthy and beneficial but won't take over and rule my life? What can give comfort but not end up a behavior I repeat over and over until it consumes my life?

I guess discovering what can replace coffee is part of the journey.

I haven't gotten there yet.

I have found in myself my reason for staying and trying, but that reason will look different to each of us. I think part of how we can find that reason is to take the journey back to self to finally take a magnifying glass and get to know who we are, who we have been and who we are meant to be. I had no fucking clue at the beginning of all of this who I was or what I liked doing. I was so lost and clueless. I just knew I didn't want to remain in that place and so I started searching for all of the parts of me I had forgotten and neglected.

It is my intention to be able to thoughtfully create a simple list of steps we can take to lead us off the cliff where the sand beneath our feet is crumbling away and everything feels uncertain. It is my intention to create an outline that will act as a lifeline to help bring us back to solid ground if we have come to a place where change is desired.

Sometimes the bravest thing we can ever do is admit openly to someone nearest to us that we need help.

To be continued....

Dream Journal Excerpt: October 8, 2016  There was something about my BFF and an addiction group and, as I walked through, I mentioned my addiction was coffee and they all laughed. 

Comfort and Healing Addictions

Art by Clifton Baker

I've been talking to a new Facebook friend recently. Michael and I, of course, ended up in a spiritual discussion. He suggested I research Bill Wilson. I did a quick Google search and saw that he is the guy who founded Alcoholics Anonymous and created the 12 Steps. 

I read the short version of the 12 Steps and stated I felt it should be revised and updated with information I have learned on my spiritual journey back to self. I thought maybe this is what my guides were asking of me.

As I was ruminating about it all, different syncs came in from women I respect and admire who have also been on journeys of self-discovery and growth. Amy posted specifically about addiction of all kinds being a form of escapism.

Brigit Anne McNeill posted a beautiful image and piece about self-discovery and self love. She talks about how worth it is to look at all the wounded parts of ourselves we avoid and give them love and understanding.

My daughter wanted to watch two shows on YouTube, one called  "Freaky Eaters" and the other is "My Strange Addiction". As I watched these various people who seem to be on public display as more of a freak show than anything, I clearly saw what they all seem to have in common.

Is it escapism? To some degree, but for the woman eating candy all day long and the twenty-year-old drinking 30 cans of cola a day, this was more of an issue of the repeated act bringing short term comfort and so they keep repeating the act over and over to reproduce that comfort sensation.

For the cola drinker, her family came to the United States when she was five and she had her first fast food and cola. That memory is her association and connection to a comforting and happy moment. Her comforter will likely bury her if she doesn't face what she isn't facing in her life.

Art by Mark Bryan

The woman eating sugar in different forms started eating a lot of sweet treats after she divorced and lost custody of her kids. She felt empty and lost.  A sweet treat lifted her temporarily, but she wanted that lift to stay and didn't want to face her grief, so she kept getting more and more comfort fixes to the point that real food with nutrition was left behind and all she consumes is sugary products.

Any number of activities, behaviors, things we consume can become destructive addiction in our lives. The food isn't inherently bad. For many people, a soda is a rare thing indulged in. Sweet treats are often reserved for special occasions and celebrations. It isn't consumed to a point of addiction and self destruction.

Addiction has been a huge theme in the clues and players I have been guided to, so when Michael started talking about the 12 Steps, I knew my guides were prodding me through him.

I even made a list of various people I had been guided to and their issues:

Kurt - drugs, smoker
Deryck - alcoholic (recovered), smoker (quit)
Laura - drugs of various kinds (recovered), smoker
River - drugs, smoker
Brandon - coffee, smoker
Keanu - work, work, work, smoker
Ava -  promiscuous, alcoholic, smoker
Jean - alcohol, prescription meds misuse, smoker
Me - coffee, smoker (quit)

Some of the other addictions I have encountered in others on this path have been sex, porn, drugs and more drugs, hoarding, food, gambling, etc.

I'm sure I could make an endless list but there was certainly a pattern of addiction for everyone I was guided to in one way or another and it all can be peeled back to that comfort feeling it gives us.

Smoke a cigarette to calm and relax after a stressful encounter.
Drink a cocktail to help you relax and give you the courage to engage with others.
Shoot up to let it all go and empty the mind.
Snort a line to help you force yourself to keep socializing even when you would rather go into seclusion but your job doesn't allow for that.
Pop a Valium to ease your anxiety.
Eat a sweet treat to lift your sadness.
Buy something from the internet or at the store because for a moment it feels like Christmas.

For a little while it feels good.
For a little while everything feels okay even if it isn't.

Comfort.
Comforters.
A warm blanket.

And then it fades.

Rinse and repeat.

And then you wake up one day to realize you have a real live monkey on your back...or maybe it is a gorilla. Maybe one day you realize you have become a slave to your addiction that seemed pretty benign at first.

"Feed me, Seymour!"

So you feed your little monkey monster over and over and over again and it gets bigger and hungrier until you either self destruct and die or your life as you know it completely falls apart to the lowest point and you are forced to rebuild.

You may laugh about coffee being listed as my addiction, but I had become a slave to coffee. I was drinking so much coffee that if I went without a timed fix, I would get a severe migraine...the kind that leaves you throwing up and unable to function. So any activities away from the house would lead me to wonder, "Are there any coffee places nearby so I can get my fix and not suffer?" I have given it up a number of times only to resume it later. It would start with treating myself when I was out with a latté and it would eventually lead to me just saying, "fuck it" and buying a bag of beans because it costs less.

I had a dream that showed me accidentally knocking over a coffee table that was precisely balanced. The side that didn't have legs had been propped up with a crutch that was cut down and I was struggling to get the table back up where it had been.

Why a table? Because tables are where we serve people. I serve people through sharing my journey openly and publicly.

Do you see what it was showing me? I am staying balanced by a partial crutch. It was a full crutch before and now it was only a partial crutch. All of which is true because I am trying to only drink coffee in the morning now. Maybe I will trade my now smaller monkey in for a cool breeze and lemon water eventually.

So now what?

How do we end our relationship with our monkeys for good?

One small step at a time, right?

But what steps do we take?

I think I will have to create a new blog post for my own ideas of the steps required to release our monkeys on our backs back into the wild where they belong.

For now I will leave you with this...

My new friend, Michael, said, "I think I'll stay with my higher power."

This was my response to him:

You ARE your own higher power. We all are.

God is within.

If you believe that you have all the power of your God within to heal your PTSD, why would you ever hand that power to someone else and say, "Here do it for me"? 

But you believe someone else holds your power and that, somehow, gives you comfort. When we take responsibility for our lives and everything we are creating in it, we no longer want to passively hand that power over our lives to someone else.

We no longer blame and say, "You did this to me." We say, "How did I manifest this situation and what am I supposed to learn from it?" 

Healer, heal thy self!

We are all healers capable of amazing healing on ourselves while simultaneously being inspiration to those who witness our transformation.

To be continued...