Gratitude

I am a spiritual person but not a religious one. My power walks have been a time for getting inside my own head and reflecting upon whatever I feel at the moment I want to reflect upon. It is kind of like my time for "worship" if you want to call it that. Sometimes I talk to my inner voice and sometimes I just muse to myself about random things. For a couple mornings gratitude was the subject at the forefront of my thoughts.

It started with me being grateful my knees were working as they should because I had just spent a couple weeks unable to walk because of an injured knee. I was ever so grateful to be able to walk again. I was grateful for the legs and knees that still worked and were able to allow me to walk. That thought then led to thinking I was grateful I didn't smoke anymore and grateful for lungs that could take air deeply into my lungs without hurting. Emphysema isn't pleasant. I've seen it first hand. Yes, I'm grateful I am no longer going down that road. As I continued to walk I was grateful for living in a climate that allowed me to be able to get out and walk everyday. Our bad weather here in the Pacific Northwest really isn't all that bad. Yes, a few snowflakes is considered a snow storm and can shut our whole city down. lol I'm grateful for the rarity of snow so I don't have to wear snow shoes for my walks. 

I am grateful for the daughter I never thought I would have. She has taught me about what it means to be a mother. She has changed me in so many ways...for the better. I am grateful for a husband that takes all the many changes in stride and is patient with the mid-life crisis I seem to be having this year. lol I am grateful for the kind and generous hearts of his sisters, Miriam Mary and Jasmine. We've been rather lame at staying in touch with both of you and for this I am sorry.

Amrik and Inara

I walked on and mused on about what I was grateful for in my life. My friends I am very grateful for...new ones and old ones. Those of us with dysfunctional families can relate to friends being family. We take them in to replace the dysfunctional members to create some sense of family. My two best and oldest friends, Shannon and Leslie are my sisters. They understand me and know me better than probably anyone else. I am grateful for their continued presence in my life for without them I would surely lose my mind. lol  

Inara and Auntie Shannon

Auntie Leslie

I am grateful for the many new friends (Aysha, Hafidha, Ashely, Cierra, Julie, Nora, Tricia, Sandra, Lisa, Joey, Adele, Lily and too many others to name) I have made who share with me their positive energy and enrich my life in so many ways. I am grateful for the many long lost friends I've gotten back in touch with. Some have offered amazing words of wisdom (Ron and Dan), some have made me feel all my hard work is paying off (Don and Arron) and others have been an inspiration to me just by being themselves (Orrin and J.).

It's hard to tell what I will ponder about on my walk tonight. If it is something worth telling all of you about, you can be sure I will be blogging about it.  :) 

Perspective

per·spec·tive

 [per-spek-tiv]

noun

1.

a technique of depicting volumes and spatial relationships on a flat surface.

2.

a picture employing this technique, especially one in which it is prominent: an architect's perspective of a house.

3.

a visible scene, especially one extending to a distance; vista: a perspective on the main axis of an estate.

4.

the state of existing in space before the eye: The elevations look all right, but the building's composition is a failure in perspective.

5.

the state of one's ideas, the facts known to one, etc., in having a meaningful interrelationship: You have to live here a few years to see local conditions in perspective.

I have had days lately where I feel a little...well...crazy. lol Change is in the air for me and very much at the forefront of my life. I'm changing my body, my views, my behavior...all for the better. I am getting fit, I am inviting the positive into my life, and reaching out to friends and actually starting to DO some things again. As a Libra, all of this change can make me feel down right unbalanced at times. My relationships have sometimes suffered due to the unbalance I feel quaking inside of me. I sometimes lash out angrily with my words. Part of it is due to feeling a little like a toddler having a tantrum. It is my way of stamping my foot and saying I'm mad that I am not getting exactly what I want when I want it from that person. The other part of the issue is due to perspective.  I have, at times, made mountains out of mole hills and assumed things (in error) because of my impatience and skewed perspective.  At times I feel like it is the "end of the world" and "it's all over" and "I'm done" and then I say something to provoke, hurt or just get some kind of reaction. Yeah, I know it isn't right...especially with trying to become a better me. It certainly isn't a flattering trait that has reared its ugly head in me recently.

I've had to step back and try to figure out what I can do differently to make this new issue go away. It occurred to me that what I need to do is simply change my perspective. I have to try to look at things differently when I start to get anxious and annoyed that I am not getting enough attention in my relationships. If I can look at things differently then I am less likely to completely overreact and think that it is the end of the world every time I don't get exactly what I want. What a blessing that would be :))

photo by Mitra Mirshahidi

So after much thought about perspective and my own situation, these are the conclusions I have come to. Loving unconditionally means we can't put expectations on behavior or expect a return of the same kind of affection we give. If you love someone, you just have to love them without worrying about getting something back. You love them because your heart tells you you must. We must be what we want. We must love with our whole heart for the good of humanity. Yes, change your perspective and it will help you stay sane. We will each get through our unbalancing situations and wind up being better people for it at the other end.  If we are here to learn and grow, then we must learn from every experience and carry on. 


We create our own realities and one of the first steps of manifesting what you want is being able to see it, imagine it in your mind. I have lost sight of doing that very important step and am trying hard to start seeing what I want to manifest in order to create the reality I want. If you aren't doing that in your own life, try it. It really works. 

photo by Lee Faircloth

 

I Remember You

"You have been lost to me for many years

But I'm starting to remember you again" - me

I was recently talking to a friend and he commented "I’m not conceited…or cocky….I’m convinced" and "I’m pretty fuckin’ awesome as a whole". I know coming from my friend that he is sincere about this. He isn't being an asshole or a jerk, he is just very confident and secure in who he is. He likes who he is. I have so much respect for him...for his thinking himself awesome and having this kind of confidence in himself.  

This simple and honest statement made me really ponder a few things about myself.  I sat there inwardly thinking about it and realized I had spent a long time not really thinking I was awesome at all. If you asked me to name something I liked about myself 4 months ago, I honestly wouldn't have been able to give you an answer because I didn't really like anything about myself. I had morphed into this stranger I didn't really like very much.

If you had asked me 10 years ago what I liked about myself I could have named several things about myself that I thought were positive qualities. I liked my dry, sarcastic sense of humor. I liked how perceptive I was to how others were feeling. I liked my artistic side and my ability to create things with my hands and imagination. I liked that I was an open book and wasn't afraid to share my thoughts and feelings with the world. I liked that I was honest and sometimes bluntly so. I liked that I was independent minded and how that attribute shined through as a bit of an edgy attitude.

I lost myself, as I have mentioned before. I lost the "me" that I actually liked and didn't realize it until recently.  

I got up this morning and, while listening to music on my MP3 player, I danced.  I danced while my daughter and husband slept and it felt fantastic! Lately when I look in the mirror I am starting to recognize the person staring back at me. When I close my eyes and search my heart, I feel her re-emerging....the old me that has been sitting quietly in the background waiting for her chance to emerge once again and shine. I am happy. It is such a great feeling!

One day I'm going to say to someone, "I’m not conceited…or cocky….I’m convinced. I’m pretty fuckin’ awesome as a whole" and it won't be just empty words I'm repeating. I will really believe it too. :)