Clearing Space for New People, Homeschooling



Keanu Reeves (because I couldn't find a picture of Paul McCartney with full makeup)

Dream Journal Entry: June 29, 2019 Last night I dreamed about being in a house. There is a room I am inside and I was thinking I could make this room my own. I am seeing an older woman used to live here but now she has moved out to another space, yet her things are still here. The closet was full and it looks as though someone still lives here even though I know they don't. I decided I could maybe hang out there occasionally but I couldn't make it my own because of all of the other person's stuff.  

I remember someone playing some music. It was late 80s alternative and I started dancing to it. I was talking about how this is what I used to dance to when I would go out to the clubs. I look to the left and see a big pile of cassette tapes and grinned at the nostalgia of it all. I talked about how I remember how important my tape collection had been to me but I had thrown all of mine away a few years ago.  

For some reason I am seeing a young Paul McCartney. His hair is longer and he is wearing makeup and false eyelashes. I think he looks beautiful and I liked his look. I started thinking about how many of the people Inara likes to watch on YouTube are boys who are comfortable wearing makeup. I mentioned how we had our share of men in the 70s who were comfortable having more feminine looks and I considered that most of the celebrities I had crushes on back then could be considered more feminine, people like Shaun Cassidy, Andy Gibb and Leif Garrett.  

Steven Tyler

There were a few of us in a car...all females. We ended up driving somewhere. I think we are driving through town. We stopped and picked some extra girls and were trying to make room for them. Meghan got out of the car to make sure it was okay if the girls joined us, but then the driver started leaving without her. I was in the back seat with the young girls and was telling the driver that we would need to go back and pick up Meghan. I know there was more but I waited too long to write the dream down and can't remember now. 

Shaun Cassidy

Interpretation of the dream: 

This dream seems to be clearly illustrating how people can move out of our lives but have left an accumulation of stuff inside of us.

I want to move into the space, but there is no room for me to have permanent lodging there. Since it was mentioned I had already gone through a clearing of old things, the dream is showing me how someone who wants me to move in needs to do their own internal clearing to make room for me to stay there instead of just being a visitor.

The older woman's belongings might suggest it is baggage dealing with a mother or mother figure. Regardless of who it is connected to, the same thing needs to happen. The old needs to be discarded to make room for something new.

The scene with the car echos the idea of there not being any room for additional people and someone ends up getting left behind who is actually needed for the journey. It will be necessary to go back for her.

Whose belongings are you still carrying around with you internally that you need to let go of? An ex girlfriend or best friend? Is it the baggage from childhood and parents?

How will anyone who is meant for your highest good be able to move into your life if you haven't cleared out the space internally for them?

Andy Gibb

Inner dialogue triggered by the dream: 

Recently we went to see a sneak peek of the movie 'Yesterday', so it isn't really that surprising that Paul McCartney's likeness showed up in a dream. What was unusual was him being dressed in full makeup that we used to think was reserved for women.

One of the reasons why I love homeschooling my daughter is that I know my own influence will hold the most weight and stay with her through life. Her peers and teachers aren't the ones influencing her ideas and opinions. I am.

I have worked hard to help her develop compassion through teaching empathy. On a daily basis I help her navigate her relationships by asking her to consider how she might feel in the same situation if roles were reversed. I have worked hard to help her be inclusive of those who society often shuns and ostracizes. I teach her that those who are difficult and act out are usually the ones who actually need more of our love and understanding. Excommunicating people actually continues to damage already damaged people.

"Imagine how you would feel," I say to her frequently.

I teach her about gender variations and that love is love and it doesn't matter what gender a person is if we love them and we both want to be together. I explain that makeup doesn't have to be for only girls. Clothes are clothes and anyone who wants to wear a skirt, dress, etc should be allowed to do so comfortably.

Leif Garrett

I also explained the differences in body types because of biological anatomy. We simply have different needs but that there should be clothing options cut for all different body types and not based on gender. Do you have a penis and testicles? Well these pants over here might work better than those that were cut for people without them. There is a spacing issue to consider.

I teach my daughter to strive to be the highest version of herself she can be and no school or teacher with 30 students is going to give her THAT education.

If the children are our future, I take my job very seriously and want to help her be loving, compassionate, empathic, open, accepting and someone who steps in to take action to help when it is needed. 

Choosing to Stay and Continue My Role

Art by mou-s

I made an important decision recently.

I posted something on Instagram for someone on June 21, 2019:

All is not lost, my love.
You can still save me.
You can still save the beast from certain death.
Did the knowledge of my illness send you into a tail spin?
Did it trigger old wounds?
Did you catch air and start to lose control of your vehicle?
In the Neverending Story the Princess was dying but the solution was easier than anyone imagined.
The same is true for our story.
All you have to do is choose me and tell me you want me to stay.
I will stay for you. 

I posted other things after, but I went into a little bit of a rage because of the continued silence I am still getting from the person I wrote it for. I thought, "Fuck this shit, I just want out!! I don't want to be here! Give me death right the fuck now! This reality sucks ass!" I felt like a caged animal pacing back and forth.

Everyone, including myself, keep saying that our thoughts create our reality and that is true to a degree. Intention IS everything, but sometimes our desires and intentions are stalled if it isn't actually for the highest good. Since I have started this journey, I have thought so many times, "Please let me die." But I have also been shown that if I take my own life, I will have to wait for the rest of my team before I can move on. So I simply have tried to intend my death and maybe help it a long by not really taking care of the vehicle I am in.

Art by Andy Ivanov

Recently it has felt like I was making progress as my body is starting to have serious issues and I thought, "Finally I can wake up and go home."

Except it isn't that simple.

In my writing I said my soul partner needs to choose me and then I will make an effort to stay. In my Vedic astrology chart, my longevity house is blank which speaks to me that I get to choose when I leave.

You have to understand, I didn't step into the game for me. I didn't step in for "happily ever after" even though that is part of the game. I stepped inside to help someone else who needs assistance. I always see it in dreams as a younger boy who I agree to help.

Angry Aggie from the Laika movie ParaNorman

This being, like Agatha in Laika's ParaNorman, had grown pretty pissed off and become destructive while stuck inside the game. Most people would refer to him as Satan, Lucifer, Death or the Devil. And really, he is just an actor who takes the shittiest roles to perform.

The thing is, in reality, this being is part of a larger being.

On one side he is God of all things light and airy and on the other he is God of the Underworld and all things dark and ominous. But it is time for the two sides to come back together now and I have been assisting as the bridge.

In my desire to be done with this game, I forgot the reason I am here in the first place. It was a recent dream my thoughts went back to in my rage of wanting to leave that helped me stop in my tracks. I shared the dream on social media and I will share it here as well:

Dream Journal Entry: June 13, 2019 I was telling someone just now in a dream, "It's me, I'm the Lion. I'm the one who is terminal. I could have days left or maybe a year or two. I'm just supposed to keep doing God's work while I am here." 

I was saying this to Jan who was at an alter that was being prepared for a woman to lay at for some ritual. There was a small waterfall configuration and cut logs with lit candles. There was some mixture that had been put together for her to lay on that looked like a red paste. There was also a green wreath to place on her head waiting for her arrival. 

Jan and I used to be friends but parted ways in real life. In the dream she seemed dubious about what I was saying, or maybe it was more annoyed that I wasn't having to do what everyone else was doing because of doing "God's" work. When I said God, I actually made air quotation marks. 

In earlier dreams there was a scene with my father and he was driving a truck with all of us in it. We came up over a hill and caught air and the landing bounced the truck making the truck start to lose control. But somehow he managed to hold on and brought the truck back into control and no one was injured. I complimented him on how well he handled that. 

Later there was a scene and i was calling for my mom because I was losing mobility in my extremities. I was showing her the difficulty I was having in my hands and how they would get stuck. Mom was concerned because it didn't look good for me. 

There was something about someone who had served time in jail with my dad. I think he liked me or maybe it was that I liked him. I can't remember well. He came back briefly for a scene but I can't remember what took place.  

Then there is a boy. I recognize him as Joshua. In reality, he is my friend's, Dan, 6 year old son, but in the dream, I referred to him as Keanu's son. Both men happen to be part Hawaiian. Apparently I had only recently met him but he didn't want to have anything to do with anyone but me. There was something about him taking some small gold hoop earrings out and putting in different ones. He handed the gold hoops to me to hold. There was something about what Keanu had left with us that we needed to make sure was used and replenished. It feels like moss and bark but I am not sure how it was used.  

Joshua is telling me about how Max, the ex con friend, had recently gotten shot in the butt. I laughed and told him I hadn't heard that but he went quiet when others were near as if no one else was supposed to know about it. Joshua was getting ready for school in a uniform. Normally he has long dark hair but for a minute it looked like he had cut his hair. As it turned out, it was just brushed in a way that made it appear to be short.  

The next scene was the ritual scene with Jan. 

 I was going to ask my friend, Dan, what his son's middle name is because sometimes the meaning can be found in the middle name. Funny enough, he had just posted a picture of his young son hugging a giant redwood and had used his full name. The image had powerful symbolism to me as I have gotten in dreams that I am helping a giant.

Art by Liella Art

Joshua Thomas translates to "To save the twin".

This blew me away.

It was in those moments of rage and wanting desperately to exit the flesh prison that I saw Joshua's face and stopped my storm abruptly.

This kid has been reborn inside of my partner and I can't just take off now when we are so near to completing the task of helping him remember who he really is and bringing the parallel worlds back together as one and into harmony.

Reality will change as we know it when that happens.

Seriously.

This is huge!

Yes, I still want to go home but I can't abandon this kid who is counting on me. We are so close to ending war and chaos.

Art by mou-s

And so I officially choose to stay for the highest good of all...but mostly for that kid I have seen when I have dreamed from inside my partner.

You might be thinking, "But what about your fucked up ride? How are you going to stay if your car doesn't want to stay running?"

I have simply called upon my fairy godmother to help me. Maybe you call them "God" or "angels" but basically they are an aspect of the game...a tool. You can open your tool chest and give them full permission to act on your behalf to make shit happen for the highest good. The catch is, you actually have to BELIEVE they are taking action without knowing exactly how or when it will all fall into place. You won't get help from them if you don't ask for it. You won't get help if you ask but then don't believe it will happen. Not believing basically cancels your request.

You have to BELIEVE in magic before magic can happen around you.

Art by Ellectrolusion

Signs and Syncs in Movies, Toy Story 4, Lego Movie 2

When I was in my early twenties, I remember being with friends while they watched cartoons and laughed hysterically. I sat there with them completely unmoved by what I was seeing and thinking, "What is wrong with me that I don't find this amusing?" I also did not cry during sad moments in movies. It seemed that the only two emotions I could access easily were fear and anger. I was numb to all other emotions.

Yesterday, we went to see a sneak peak of Toy Story 4. Just prior to this, we watched The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part and I was struck by the profound messages and synchronicity I found in both. They seemed to be telling part of my tale in animated form.

SPOILER ALERT!

Don't read further if you plan to see Toy Story 4 and don't want to know any of the details of the movie yet.

Gabby Gabby and her ventriloquist dummy goons seemed pretty scary. She had an objective and that was to take what she wanted from Woody. Her desire was to finally know what it was like to have a kid that was her very own. Sadly, the one she thought was perfect for her ended up rejecting her. She thought all was lost and hopeless, but Woody, despite what he had given up to Gabby Gabby to help his own kid, felt compassion for her and wanted to help her experience life with a kid. On the way to taking her with him to try to get back to his own kid, they encounter a little lost girl. She was scared and crying. A decision is made that Gabby Gabby would try to comfort this child and maybe fulfill her chance of having her very own kid.

It was at the point where the little lost girl discovers Gabby Gabby that I felt tears start to well up in my eyes. In that moment, I connected with the characters on the screen and felt empathy. I have dreamed many times about having a sense of being lost...the kind where you are separated from your parents as a child. Connecting with someone who brings you a sense of "everything is going to be okay" and comfort is priceless.

It was in that moment of empathy and emotion that I recognized how far I have come on my journey. No longer am I the numb person in the room unable to laugh or cry with the characters on the screen. Being able to connect with animated characters is very symbolic of the reconnection I have made with my own set of inner children.

I can feel again.

I can laugh again.

There were signs and syncs before the movie ever started. We took Inara and her best friend to McDonald's. We never eat there, so it was a pretty rare event and I sat there having déjà vu due to a dream I just had recently where I saw a McDonald's. I searched my dreams but could only find an old one from 2014. When I searched my conversation with my friend, I found the bit where I talked about what I saw.  Apparently it was included in a nightmare that I didn't want to write down because it was so upsetting. But the old dream from 2014 was fascinating and felt relevant.

Dream Journal Entry: October 22, 2014 Yesterday, I had a dream that I meant to write down but I forgot. There were lots of dreams but the bits I remember were these. It seems like I was at an event of some sort...not sure what kind of event. There were lots of people. I ended up going somewhere for lunch...i think it was McDonalds which is weird because I never eat there. I bought lunch for some other people. I had chips and some of the others wanted some of my chips. I was reluctant at first and then was like "whatever" and just gave away my chips thinking I could just go buy some fries and asked if anyone wanted any. 

Then I remember a scene where I was talking to some people. There was an overweight girl talking about some guy, I think. I took her hand and I told her how beautiful she was and then I started talking about what I believe and how we are not our bodies...that our bodies are vehicles. I said something like, "When you take away the body, what we are is a fucking ball of light and we are BEAUTIFUL....all of us!" They seemed pretty happy and enthusiastic about what I was saying and I was surprised they were so receptive to what I was saying.  

There was something about some guy who did all kinds of work and helping put things together but he never asked for anything or asked for recognition. There was something about some dude taking like 80% of the profit/pay and the employees were really unhappy who worked with him...while the other guy worked away without much notice. I don't know who he was or what meaning he had in the dream.

Later, I simply remember seeing this amazing ceiling. It was mostly white and glittery. It sparkled, but had a kind of an Asian looking pattern...like cherry blossoms or something. I took photos of the ceiling and what was revealed is that there were some amazing sculptures on the ceiling. I took more photos, but because of the angle, figured I would have to turn the photos upside down to be able to see them properly. Later, I was taking pictures of a house I thought was cool and it too had an Asian feel to it. I only wanted to get the house in the photo because I liked the way it looked.

My daughter and her friend both got Sour Punch Straws and, once again, I had déjà vu due to a dream I just had where green Sour Punch Straws were seen. Green is the color of the outer heart chakra and the sweet and sour mix seems to suggest balance.

I tend to see these clusters of signs and syncs rather like mile markers or exclamation points to tell you to pay attention because something important is about to happen in your story. The last time I had a large cluster of signs and syncs, they told me I would be having Christmas in July. On July 25th of last year, I would end up talking to someone very special to me for the first time.

Woody spent so much time trying to help his kid, Bonnie, but there came a time and place where it seemed he had fulfilled his purpose with her. At one point, he had to make an important decision between freedom and love or staying with a job he loved and had given all of his life to.

SPOILER ALERT!

He chooses freedom and love.

In the end, Woody is still able to do what he loves with the person he loves...just in a different way and on his own terms.

The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part also contained some important messages for me and parallels with my own story I have been playing out.

Queen Wateva Wa'Nabi took many forms. Like Gabby Gabby, at first glance, she seems kind of menacing and scary. She is able to change her form to seem more ominous, but she was only trying to be more relatable to those on the dark brooding side. In her true form, Queen Wateva Wa'Nabi is pure love. She is Heart... literally...and not really scary at all. Her objective was to find someone from the dark brooding side to marry her so they could join their two worlds together.

I have had dreams that describe this very scenario for my own story.

Dream Journal Entry: May 11, 2018 Last night I kept hearing the word "Benzo" and "Benzo car" while I dreamed different things. I heard something about the parallel universes being brought back together. 

Dream Journal Excerpt: September 4, 2018 I had some intense dreams last night. The first dreams I only remember repeatedly seeing two energies coming together and kept hearing Loa and Loa. I remembered that this is a term in voodoo for their Gods. I saw one energy as very dark and one very light. One was blue and white an the other blackness. I heard something about heaven and Earth coming together to create something new.

The thing is, all of the "dark" ones used to be part of the light world, only they had forgotten. Queen Wateva Wa'Nabi and General Mayhem were trying to help them remember. There is a place for darkness. Darkness can be beautiful and transforming, but it doesn't have to be lower mind. Darkness can be Higher Mind and beneficial. There is a place on the throne beside Light for Darkness and by bringing these two together into love and balance, two worlds are united to create something new.

This is the very same story that is taking place right here, right now.

Rex is a bitter shadow version of the usually sweet and cheerful Emmet. He serves to show we are capable of dark destructive deeds when we choose a path of lower mind. But, ultimately, Rex, the dark twin disappeared and integrated into his lighter self which brought peace and harmony to both worlds.

I don't feel like "fighting" the darkness and trying to kill it off is actually helpful. I think choosing to try to understand it, help it make better choices and forgive it for all of the past dark deeds is necessary for integration. I think our shadow selves simply need more love and understanding to help them remember they were once part of the Light world too and can be part of it once again without actually disappearing completely.

This is the age old story of archangel  Michael battling Lucifer. They have to lay down their weapons and use effective communication as the tool that helps bring them back together as one being.

What both of these movies have in common is the element of people rising up and meeting their full potential for the greater good of all. Duke Caboom finally hit his mark and achieved a stunt that saves the day. For Gabby Gabby it was to finally realize her life's purpose. For Woody it was to realize it was okay to change and choose a new path when it seemed like he was nearing the end of one journey. Instead of clinging to his job with Bonnie, he let go and chose love and, in doing so, he found a new purpose being of service helping other toys realize their purpose. Emmet found a new strength when integrating his shadow self. The Light and Dark world found community and love when coming together in harmony and appreciating what both sides offered in their uniqueness. And Queen Wateva Wa'Nabi was finally able to take her true form openly. She was able to be her authentic self...pure love.

What movies are giving you messages about your own story?

Are profound messages making their way to you through unlikely places?

Porn Addiction, Soul Connections, and Forgiveness

Piergiorgio Branzi, Napoli, 1953

In my effort to see the good and potential in people, I sometimes forget about the darkness that lurks in the shadows.

I listened to a tarot reading recently and it triggered memories of a recurring theme in my dreams. All it took was the mention of "addiction" combined with the word "porn". 

I started piecing together various dreams along with signs and syncs I had gotten. A picture emerged of someone I am connected to on a soul level having a pretty fucked up porn addiction. It is the reason for the big hold up in moving forward with the mission we are supposed to work on together as a team.

There will be people who say you don't need anyone to move forward with your mission, but I am here to tell you that is lemonade made out of bullshit and no matter how much you stir it and add sugar, it still is false bullshit that you probably shouldn't drink. We are in a virtual reality playing a game. As with many video games, there are sections set up where the task can only be completed as a team with two or more players. Maybe you all have to step on buttons to open a door or one pulls a lever that lifts the other up. That is where I am at in my game. I have to work with my partner to complete and he is neck deep in a fucked up porn addiction, too scared to move forward with me.

What he didn't count on was taking me along by dragging me behind his horse through mud, rocks, brambles and shit. His internal shit affects my dreams. When he gets turned on by violent sex, I see it in my dreams and often wake up referring to them as nightmares. I usually start my journal with "I had a very disturbing dream". In fact, I often don't write many of those dreams down because I don't want to remember. I just had a recent one where I was trapped on an island and I was a young girl being sex trafficked. I was being sold as a virgin for the pleasure of some guy. The dream was so upsetting...me trying to get away from this place.

Art by Natasa Ilincic

I have tried hard to put my swords away. I have tried to grow and soften and calm my inner Kali Ma who cuts heads off and asks questions later, but I felt her rise and I wanted to slash. I raged about it for a little while but then asked myself, "What am I supposed to do with this?"

Fuck.

Dear Soul Partner,

How can I help you? How can I help love this shadow that haunts my dreams and keeps you from real intimacy and connection? How can I love this darkness inside you that I abhor and feel disgusted and repulsed by? How can I help you so that we can both move forward?

I stood in my kitchen and thought, "I have to love this part of him and help him understand the symbolism so he can let it go and love himself too."

Ask yourself what it is you are lacking and trying to integrate into self through inappropriate means. What are you reenacting from past lives? 

People who rape don't rape because of the sex. They rape for the sense of control, the same reason that people become anorexic and bulimic. It is about having a sense of control over your own life in some small form. Maybe watching the violence against another person in a sex act gets you off in a way nothing else can. Perhaps it is because you keep your emotions so bottled up and hidden that it comes out as being turned on by an inappropriate violent sexual expression.

"Take that, motherfucker!" 

Sex with children is an inappropriate outer act of desiring a relationship with your own inner child.

Maybe the first steps in healing is deciding to have a better relationship with self. 

Know thy self. 

Become authentic in all that you do and honor yourself by expressing your feelings in a constructive way regularly. Be willing to risk displeasing someone in order to be true and honest to yourself. You will feel so much better when you do. Find your voice that you traded in order to keep the peace and keep your career on track. Trust that you can speak your truth and everything can still be okay...even when it seems to fall apart.

Make no mistake, many people will fall away from you on the journey back to self, but they are only people that NEED to fall away. Allow them to fall away as you come into embodying who you were always meant to be.

As you grow, expand and speak out your real feelings, you will find the addictions and compulsions will gradually dissipate. They are the bags you will forget and leave behind in the airport because you no longer need to compensate to get some sort of release from what builds up inside you from what you don't express in the moment. 

I felt my anger and let it pass through me. I didn't hold onto it. In doing so, I came out to a place of wanting to understand and help you. I came to a place of wanting to take your hand and love you through it all until you love the person inside as much as I do. 

I see you.

I see your potential. I know your pain and burden that weighs you down because I feel it too. You don't have to do it all alone, my love. Make a choice to let me all the way in. Pick up the phone and call me. Let me be part of your life fully and openly.

I love all of you, not just the parts that are easy to love. It is our shadows that need our love and understanding the most.

I love you completely and unconditionally.

I lava you. 💜