Friday, September 16, 2011

Where did she go...the person I used to be?

It happens gradually. So gradually you don't even notice at first, until one day you wake up and don't recognize the person you are anymore and you wonder, "Where did she go...the person I used to be?" This has happened to me and I have been wondering where the "Oktobre" is that I used to be? How and when did she become so lost to me? Can I find her again?   

I've been thinking about this a lot lately.  

I think the "when" of losing "me" started to take place the day I moved away from Portland, Oregon 16 years ago. I stepped into a world so foreign from the one I had considered my own when I became a live-in nanny in Michigan. Although I love the family I was with for 8.5 years, I lost "me" along the way. She has been lost for some time now and I want her back. I loathed Grand Rapids, Michigan. Everything from the large amount of mosquitoes in the summer to the long harsh winters to the conservative Dutch based community of GR made me crazy. I never made any truly meaningful friendships, the kind you need to help pull you through the rough times. I felt miserable and alone most of the 10 years I spent in that city. Every day I spent there took me further away from me...the me I want to be.

I finally moved back to Portland and have never regretted leaving Grand Rapids. I don't miss anything about it at all. I had my first and only child in 2008 at which point I became a stay-at-home mom. I love my daughter beyond words. She is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. For the past three years I haven't minded giving all of me to her. She has never had anyone care for her other than me or my husband and for now, I want to keep it that way. But lately I have been feeling like I really need to try to take some time for myself once in a while...if only for a couple hours once a week. I need a little time to myself to find me again. 

I recently got back in touch with someone I care about and respect deeply. I was very pleased to find he had stayed true to who he was all those years ago when I knew him. I love that about him. He is who he is and he isn't going to alter that for anyone or any reason. I wish I could have been more like him so I wouldn't have to be faced with this struggle now of trying to find all the little pieces of who I was and try to put it back together.

I have faith that I am on the right path now and everything will work out in the end. But I wholeheartedly believe this is a quest I can't let go of until I reach my goals...becoming "me" again and never losing her again.