Friday, December 22, 2023

Limber Timber


Last night I listened to a video I made where I talked about a dream I had. As i listened, I thought, "I miss her."

I miss the one who used to talk about her dreams, wrote about all the things she was contemplating and wrote poetry about what she was feeling. I miss her dearly but I don't know how to bring her back.

The video was made September 9, 2022 before I went back to work. It feels like the other one exited when I had to go back to doing something for money instead of doing what feels good. There are advantages to having money for paying for the things we need, but when it's doing something that was never something I dreamed about, it's hard to get excited about it. It's just a task I do to make ends meet. It doesn't even pay enough for me to have the independence I would love to have.

Last night I dreamed about trying to nurse my daughter, but my breasts had no milk. In fact, they seemed to have become quite flat. I considered that I would have to work to try to bring the milk back.

I think the symbolism of this dream is talking about wanting to feed my inner child, but having nothing left inside. What I had to offer previously (writing, poetry, etc.) has dried up. I want to bring it back so I can feed myself, but it will take time and work towards that goal.

I don't know if I can bring it back. I want to, but it feels like part of me has died. Instead of healing on this spiritual journey, I feel deeply harmed by the last few years. 

Saturday, December 16, 2023

Dream about River


Dream Journal Entry: December 16, 2023 

I dreamed about being back in highschool. I think I recall having attended a few classes at the beginning. It feels like I have missed some school and now have forgotten my locker number and the combination to the lock. I considered that I would have to go to the office to get the information again. 

It feels like I have some evening thing to attend at the school but I had taken a nap and overslept. I woke at 5:15pm and eventually remembered that it started at 5pm and I needed to already be there. I considered not going at all because, really, I didn't need to attend because I had already done it previously. It feels like I'm not there for me because at one point, I'm back at the school and I see River. It seems I have been waiting for him to talk to me. He is supposed to talk to me because I'm back in school to help him. I debated whether or not to say anything and then I finally opt to say something.

"Are you ever going to talk to me? If you don't talk to me, you are just going to die again like before. It's just going to happen again. I've been waiting for you to talk to me and you haven't. We're running out of time because you are about to die. It may already be too late." I said to him.

He looked at me and said, "Yes, I was planning to talk to you soon." And then I see him start to do a dance and I see words like on a TikTok video above him with an arrow that point to his shoes that said, "This is new". The dance turns into a tap dance of sorts and I noticed his shoes had a little bit higher heels. 

I walked away from him thinking that it might already be too late and I didn't need to go back to school. I didn't plan to go back. I had done my best to help, but I wasn't sure it was going to turn out as I had hoped.

Wednesday, December 13, 2023

I Wonder


I wonder to myself, "What's the point of any of it?"

"It's not about the destination but the journey," they say.

But is it really?

When the journey is so fucked up that parts of you that you love have fled, is the journey really so worthwhile? Right now, it doesn't feel like it.

If we create our own reality and my reality still isn't anywhere near what I would like for it to be, is it just because I suck ass at creating my own reality? 

I don't know.

Eleven years on the "spiritual journey" and I'm still basically in the same life I wanted to free myself from. I see no ending in sight or dramatic changes on the horizon. 

I feel like a slave and I wonder if I will ever be free.

Tuesday, November 7, 2023

Purple

Photo by Norman Parkinson 
 

Dream Journal Entry: November 6, 2023

Last night I dreamed about being in a place where the person there helped people find new housing that would be a good fit for them. My partner and I seem to be staying there until we find housing. We were sleeping and, when I woke, I saw the guy who was going to find us housing. There are other people here looking for housing, as well. The guy in charge of this seems pretty young, so I was surprised when a young boy comes out who appears to be his son. The placement coordinator is helping his son get ready for school. The boy is holding some sort of figurine type thing that is a Christmas scene. I commented on it and complemented it. I said that I liked it and especially liked the purple Christmas tree.  That's when I started looking around and noticed a pervading purple theme. Purple could be seen in the clothes of some characters and various items. That's when I smiled and said, "I noticed the purple theme in this movie. I really like it." I had a realization that I was calling the dream I was in a "movie". I understood it was a dream but called it a movie.

The man and I discussed some of the housing he had available and talked about a place that some people didn't want to live in because of barking dogs, etc. I told him that wouldn't bother me because I had my own dogs. I told him that I didn't like my current landlord and looked forward to gaining more favorable housing. 

The placement coordinator talked about when he first arrived in Oregon and what it was like finding housing. Apparently he hadn't been there very long, like maybe a couple of years or so. He said he really liked it in Oregon, but finding the right housing makes the experience better.

An older boy who is an older son shows up. Something if being said about him and his behavior sometimes. I remarked that he reminded me of the eldest boy in my nanny family. I think he might have been a young teen and I noticed his hair was a light ginger color. I can't remember anything else.

Friday, October 27, 2023

Darkness Vs Light


I am a latecomer to TikTok. I have had an account for a long time, though. I opened it so that my daughter could have fun recording videos with her friends. I just saw it as a place for young people lip syncing and dancing. 

Fast forward to when my daughter was finally old enough to open her own account, I was left with the plethora of videos she had put up with her friends. I never really had any intentions of using it. 

My daughter kept sending me TikTok videos to watch and I would try to swipe "back" to get out of TikTok, only it wouldn't take me out of TikTok. It would simply take me to another video. Sometimes, after making this error, I would actually watch the next video and then the next and the next. Before I knew it a whole hour would slip by. I called it the TikTok vortex because it sucks you in and you lose time. Lol

Eventually, I started going to TikTok to watch videos on my own. I decided it might be a good idea to archive all of my daughter's videos and actually make it my own if I was going to engage with some of the videos I was watching. I haven't gotten very far with posting my own material. I'm not much of a "content creator" because I have no desire to be on camera. I feel more comfortable expressing myself in written form, but I do believe that leaving our comfort zone helps us expand. 

What I am going to talk about in this blog post was supposed to be in video form, but I just couldn't make myself do it. I kept dragging my feet. Unlike most TikTok people, I don't want to go viral. I don't want thousands of people coming at me with their thoughts on my, sometimes, controversial theories and beliefs. When I express myself here, I'm mostly invisible. Very few people read me and almost no one comments. It feels like a safe and insulated space even though it is completely public for anyone to read.

My "For You" page on TikTok often shows me videos from other spiritual people and people who identify as "witches". I think pretty much most of them regurgitate the belief that we should always be sure to call on "the light" and only the light. We need to create protection against "dark energy".

Sure, call upon those who are for your highest good, but what makes you think that "dark energy" is inherently bad? 

I believe calling upon ONLY light forces is imbalance.

These same people who fear "dark energy" also decry the patriarchy without realizing that only calling upon "the light" is supporting imbalance and the patriarchy model.

"How can that be?" you might wonder. 


Light in yin and yang is the masculine. Dark is the feminine. So by fearing the dark and believing it is inherently evil and bad, you fall into the same belief system as every religion that demonizes women. 

Here's a news flash:

Light can and does possess negative qualities when it isn't operating at its highest form. Think toxic positivity.

Light can seem "evil" and "bad" but we only ever bash the "dark" and never give it credit for having just as much value and ability to be high vibrational, so to speak.

Maybe those "dark energies" are just angry about being overlooked as having value, being feared, and completely banished. Isn't it interesting how we do the same to women and people of color? Black vs White...female vs male...dark vs light. 

It shouldn't be "either/or" if we want BALANCE and UNITY.


I published this piece February 25, 2018 on Facebook and it feels relevant to this discussion:

So you know that parable about the two wolves and "which one do we feed?" schtick? 

It is total bullshit and leading you away from the solution you need.

If you only feed one wolf, what do you suppose would happen?

Firstly, my conscience being in good working order could never feed one animal and not another. It is simply cruel no matter how violent the animal appears to be. I wish no one to suffer and starvation leads to suffering 

Secondly, starvation automatically sends one wolf into a more aggressive state because the hunger drives them to take whatever means necessary to feed their hunger as a means of survival.

The ONLY way to tame both wolves is to love them equally and not choose one or the other. The only way to come into balance is to recognize and understand the equal value that both have in making up who you are inside. 

Starving one wolf is not a solution and battling light against dark will never do. We have to love them both and show both sides the same degree of respect, love, and compassion.

As I just said to a friend in a comment about "winning"...

"The only way of winning is going within and understanding that there are never really any sides to take when we are in balance. There is no side to take when you understand you are both light and dark always."

When I write incantations, I start the incantations with, "I call upon Divine Darkness, I call upon Divine Light, I ask you to join together, to put the wrongs, right"

Divine Darkness IS the feminine! Why would we only ever call upon the masculine by calling only the Divine Light to the party?

Dark isn't evil... it's just the opposite of light. Night doesn't need to be feared. Traditionally, rest comes in the arms of the night. The seed that is planted needs the dark soil to germinate AND the light to meet it's full potential. The plant doesn't uproot because it fears the darkness of the soil. The plant knows it needs both parts of itself that embraces both light and dark because both light and dark feeds it and makes it whole. 

I am both dark and light, masculine and feminine.

I am whole and united within self.

Thursday, October 19, 2023

Loving the Tortoise Within


The other day I got a text from my employer which left me feeling upset. What she said triggered me to a point that I didn't sleep well. 

Basically she was saying that they need to cut labor costs and the way I did things had too many steps and takes too much time. This came after she let me know that the eggs she made for our cheddar, bacon, egg turnovers were dry and were going to be hard to make turnovers with. I said it wasn't a problem because I would just add milk and rescoop the eggs. Apparently adding milk and making them easier to work with was going to increase the cost of them too much.

In those moments, I felt ready to quit and find other employment. It felt like she wanted me to erase who I am and be exactly like her, like who I inherently am and what works for me isn't good enough.

I thought to myself, "She's a hummingbird and I'm a tortoise. She expects me to be exactly like her and I'm just not! She wants me to fly but I don't have wings because I'm a tortoise! I'm slow and that's just who I am."

My mind was flooded with memories of childhood and all of the times I tried so hard to be like everyone else, but failed. I was reminded of how much sadness and how many tears it brought when I wasn't as fast as everyone else. I remembered all of the end-of-the-school-year relay races I never won where I was practically last every time; all of the tests I was last finishing... sometimes I didn't have time to even finish; all of the times I was "too slow" in doing certain tasks at jobs. So many tears have been shed over being slow. So much hate was directed at myself for being slower than everyone else. Being slow made me feel "not good enough" throughout my life.

Being triggered and stewing over this incident with my employer caused me to identify the tortoise part of me I need to accept, appreciate, and love. 

Processing it all brought tears to my eyes as though I was still that wounded child feeling not good enough. In many ways, I AM still that child because that child still lives within me and I owe it to her to love her completely and unconditionally exactly as she is and tell her that her value isn't dependent on how fast or slow she is. 

Maybe not everyone will understand or value what she brings to the table, but I need to love and appreciate the tortoise part of us unconditionally. If I can't accept and value the tortoise aspect of us, I can't expect anyone else to.

Tuesday, October 17, 2023

55


Today is my 55th birthday.

5 is number of change. Repeating numbers amplify.


This will be my year of major change. 


Doors will close. Chapters will end.


I will open new doors and start new chapters.

Sunday, September 24, 2023

Honesty

Photo by Inox Lord
 
For the past couple of days, I've felt near tears frequently. A song will play that makes me feel emotional; some words spoken hit me in such a way that I feel tears welling up spontaneously. I have no idea where this is coming from. I tell myself that maybe it's because it's the one year anniversary of Lily, my cat, dying. 

Everything makes me feel weepy, though, so I ask myself, "Is this even my own sadness I'm feeling?"

Is this your sadness I'm feeling? If so, why do you feel sad? 

If it's because you miss me, well, I miss you, too. I'm just waiting for you to decide to finally be honest with me, come to me as who you really are and open up to me. I don't hate you, even though you probably think I should. 

I love you still.