The Fifth Element, Five Parts of the Heart Chakra

**I noticed I put my year of birth instead of Kurt's which is actually 1967

I have felt a bit like a mad scientist today. All of these ideas are coming together and they are begging to get out in illustration form.

The above is what I came up with based on clues I have gotten along the way. The individuals listed represent their respective part of the heart.

After making the illustration I did earlier for my previous blog post, I started trying to figure out the heart chakra in more detail. What was throwing me off was River Phoenix. I didn't understand he was throwing me off but he was.  When I created the 4 sections, I started seeing a Native American medicine wheel and looked up the elements. I then tried to figure out which person fit with which element. I noticed something was wrong. I had two Earth elements based on birthdays. I was missing fire.

So I searched my memories for those I might have dreamed of who might be a fire sign. Nuno Bettencourt is a recurring character in dreams but he too is a Virgo/Earth. I then looked up Brad Pitt and...holy shit!!...he fits. He is a Sagittarius/Fire sign. Not only that, but I have recently started compiling a timeline of sorts of my spiritual journey and Brad Pitt is the very first entry in the timeline. This was absolutely no coincidence. I will post it after this one.

As I was thinking about the four elements each person represents, I considered there was something I was missing and then I heard, "the fifth element" and I audibly laughed as I remembered the movie with the same name.

LOVE is the fifth element of the heart chakra. The inner heart IS the fifth element. It is our God Self. The fifth element has to be activated which is SELF LOVE. Self love brings all the elements together into harmony and balance.

Remember, those people we fall in love with possess qualities of our own inner self. When we fully embody love, those elements are brought together as a whole inside of us, we then can easily attract a partner who is an equal who also posseses those qualities into our orbit.

We attract what we are.

X Marks the Spot, Four Parts of the Same Thng

I have come to a new conclusion. I mean, it isn't entirely new, it is just expounding and twisting those puzzle pieces to get a different view.

Rather than writing it all out again in a different way, here are my comments to Lindsey about it all.:

So we know that there was a split.
Imagine 6 circles...chakras...as spheres and they are sliced open as if filleting a fish.
The crown chakra doesn't split.
It is higher self.
So the 6 become 12.
One world is light.
The other dark.
I made an illustration once and thought it was off but it kind of has the basic concept.

I would make it look more like an ink blot now.
Maybe I should redraw it.
But basically, Kundalini snakes of two different colors are often depicted in images representing Kundalini awakening.
The snakes aren't mixing in the current reality.
What you and I are doing internally is mixing them and twisting them together.
By loving that internal masculine no matter what face we give them, we are helping braid hard and soft.
By falling in love with someone who was soft and sweet in life, we fall in love with that part of ourselves internally. By saying... wait a minute, I'm going to create my ideal internally and he will be both hard, soft, strong, communicative, etc. We further braid those snakes and further embody our own ideal.

You attract what you are.

Are we dependent on a physical expression of that? I don't think so but I do believe it is possible, but I no longer have a set idea of who I will attract. I am open to the possibilities but don't need it.

I was wrong.
Four parts of the same thing was about HEART.
X marks the spot.

See how the right one looks like snakes when light and dark couples mix?

Did you notice how I left out the words masculine and Feminine?

Those words are holding us back.

We are both.
In reality they are just labels for attributes.
When you don't want to claim being one or the other, you know you are making progress in mixing the internal couples.
It is so cool if you think about it.

So many people are sitting around trying to meditate their way into enlightenment.
But you have to get into the trenches and really get your hands dirty with the internal shit.
You can't just meditate that shit away.
It is a great place to get guidance and find a kind of relaxation.
But meditation alone won't get you where you and I are currently at.
And if your basement is leaking....bravo! It is just another sign of this reality coming apart in preparation for coming back together in a different configuration.
Think of it like Legos.
Take it apart so you can create something new.
I'm tired of eating shit sandwiches too but I know something else is just around the corner on the next page.

It is exciting!

I had an idea of this before but I didn't know how to illustrate it. The flayed fish sort of drove it home in a way I could see it enough to draw it and it makes so much sense.

Full Circle

Art by Charlie Terrell

I have been doing a lot of self reflection. I have been looking back and seeing how I have come full circle in ways. I ended up taking a further look back than I expected and ended up putting this timeline together. It might only be interesting to me, but I was actually a little surprised when I saw it all together. I had been gently nudged in a specific direction early on from "chance" encounters to powerful dreams. Even the heartbreaks were meant to help move me in a specific direction.

In an early blog post I talked about something Jason used to say about himself:

One day I'm going to say to someone, "I’m not conceited…or cocky….I’m convinced. I’m pretty fuckin’ awesome as a whole" and it won't be just empty words I'm repeating. I will really believe it too. :)

Art by Charlie Terrell

 In a recent blog post I said:

When we have reached a level where we look in the mirror and think, "I am fucking amazing and it doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks," we have reached a truly beautiful place where the light that grows inside starts to leak out of the wrinkles in our skin. Others will feel our light, our energy and know the truth of our beauty.

It was then I recognized I actually achieved the self love I had set out to achieve and that is truly a beautiful thing.

Art by Charlie Terrell

After composing the timeline, one thing is pretty clear to me. River was supposed to lead me to Keanu but there was a small hiccup when River died.  Understanding River's intended purpose helps a lot in letting that aspect go. I thank him for all that he taught me and will always remember him fondly.

Art by Charlie Terrell

October 1990 - Brad Pitt came into the sleazy motel I was desk clerk. I had no idea who he was until BFF called from Los Angeles while I was working and screamed when I read his full name from the registry card. Turned 22, got my driver's licence and had a "midlife crisis".

November 1990 - Went to Gainesville Florida to stay with my siblings. Cried most of the time I was there.

February 2, 1991 - Went to see River's band, Aleka's Attic, at the Hardback Cafe in Gainesville, Florida for Mom's birthday. Met Sky because Mom was talking to him. Moved back to Missouri the next day.

January 19, 1992 - Had my premonition vampire dream.

June 29, 1992 - Sky came to visit me in Missouri. He wanted me to come with him to meet up with River in Los Angeles, but I declined because I had no money of my own and didn't want to be fully dependent on someone I didn't know that well.

June 30, 1992 - Went to the Blue Note during the day to say hi to my manager friend. Saw Henry Rollins sitting out front. I spoke to him, but he is a freak!

June 23, 1992 - Rented 'Dogfight' and 'My Own Private Idaho' because Sky recommended I watch them.

Art by Charlie Terrell

July 28, 1992 - Got an idea for a great movie. BEWITCHED - The Movie !!! Samantha's kids, Adam and Tabitha are grown up. Adam is a bit on the conservative side like his departed father, Darren (who is now a ghost). Adam has taken over the ad agency and doesn't use his warlock powers. Tabitha is an outgoing, outspoken rock-'n'-roll singer who uses her powers on a regular basis. Grandmama is still alive and as meddlesome as ever. Adam meets a clumsy odd writer who is into the new age thing and is fascinated with the supernatural. Her family is just as strange. Tabitha falls for a handsome, suave guy who turns out to be Dracula's grandson - a vampire yet a vegetarian. Dracula and Endora have a torrid affair. But there's a third child/sibling, David, the youngest, who runs the ad agency w/Adam. David is very normal, has no powers and is embarrassed of his whole family. He falls for a normal mortal girl who he tries to keep from meeting his strange family. She's the daughter of a very big client. It could be a star studded cast with all kinds of humorous situations. It's a great idea!!

March 31, 1993 - Brandon Lee died.

October 31, 1993 - River Phoenix died.

April 5, 1994 - Kurt Cobain died.

May 11, 1994 - The Crow movie was released. Saw it in a theatre with a friend that month, then went to watch a field full of lightning bugs after.

Art by Charlie Terrell

June 7, 1994 - Moved to Portland, Oregon

July 1994 - Sky came to see me. We had tea at Gus Van Sant's house. I went to Seattle for the first time with Sky so he could meet with friends about a project he was trying to organize. We started dating.

September 1, 1994 - Sky flew me to Los Angeles for my best friend's birthday. Went to Lollapalooza. Spent an evening at the House of Blues where Tony Curtis ended up with us while we were there. He cried when he told us about his son dying.

April 1995 - Dated green haired Jason. Moved away from Portland.

June 1995 - Started a job in Michigan

March 28, 1996 - Series of three powerful prophetic dreams, one I refer to as "the orb dream" where someone died but comes back to me later.

December 18, 1999 - Had a dream about a spirit following me and trying to get my attention. Had a sense of their presence after waking.

February 17, 2001 - Powerful visitation dream I would refer to as my "angel dream" because of the energy I felt from the being in the dream.

June 2003 - Married

June 2005. - Moved to Missouri

January 2006 - Moved to Portland, Oregon

June 2008 - Gave birth to Inara.

October 2, 2010 - Jill ended her own life.

January 2011 - Moved to a new apartment.

March 24, 2011 - Phoenix, my furry best friend, died from congestive heart failure. Started trying to find stories of near death experiences where people were reunited with their pets.

September 8, 2011 - Got back in touch with Jason after 17 years. Started to obsessively diet and exercise.  Lost 60 pounds.

April 5, 2012 - Went to see Jason in Las Vegas and was brutally rejected which catapulted me into a spiritual journey and a journey back to self.

Art by Charlie Terrell

November 9, 2012 - Inara reported hearing whispers making it hard for her to go to sleep. Had a dream about River that caused me to search if others had reported River being their spirit guide. Found the Channeling Erik blog and eventually joined the Facebook group.

June 3, 2013 - Had a vivid visitation dream where everyone there were cousins.

September 9, 2013 - Powerful "Erik" visitation dream.

January 30, 2014 - Powerful visitation dream. I went to him this time.

May 16, 2014 - Press release for Sum 41 frontman's brush with death. My guides said Deryck Whibley was someone who was a walk-in and needed me to help him remember who he really is so he could do his mission work he agreed to as a condition for extending his life. I started trying to communicate immediately on his blog website.

July 17, 2014 - Opened an Instagram account to be able to communicate with Deryck.

January 26, 2017 - Was guided to Laura Jane Grace through a friend and signs and syncs.

Art by Charlie Terrell

March 2018 - Started to explore Keanu Reeves based on signs and syncs. Decided it was a false lead.

April 26, 2018 - Had a dream confirming that Keanu was player blue.

July 29, 2019 - Developed a new understanding about the five parts of heart. I know who my heart belongs to...still....my muse canoe. 💜

Freedom Flight of Thought

I was searching old journals to compile a timeline of sorts of my journey. I came across various nuggets of gold buried in the shit that I didn't remember writing. The below are a couple of those nuggets and what was sort of a forward of what the notebook was intended for. Unfortunately, it did end up becoming a journal and the majority of my journal material is mostly throw away.

I spoke a lot about God and to God in my writing, which feels cringey when I go back to read, but it is interesting reading it with my new perspective of who and what "God" actually is.

September 1990
This is not a journal of the day to day events of my life, although the day to day events will affect it. This is a journal of my thoughts, thoughts transferred to paper with pen.

Our thoughts are what makes us individuals. Without thought, we would all be cars without drivers. A car without a driver goes nowhere.

You do not have to go through years of school in order to think. School merely trains you to think in a process that is usually analytical. It teaches us to think alike. A highschool diploma is not required for individual creative thought. I know this, for I do not have that piece of paper in which society would like us to believe we need in order to exist. Before there were schools, God and nature were our teachers. God is who I credit for my knowledge and the only teacher I trust.

Thoughts influence our decisions, what we like, what we do, who we see.... basically everything connected to choice and some things not connected to choice.

Society is now trying to ban things we say, do and hear. They are trying to ban opinions but they can never ban your thoughts  our thoughts belong to us. They can chain our feet, tie our hands behind our backs, put earplugs in our ears, blindfolds over our eyes and tape our mouths, yet they cannot stop us from thinking. They can even kill our brains, yet thought will never die for our thoughts are actually who we are, our souls ARE thought. So if souls never die, neither does thought.

This is my Freedom Flight of Thought.

September 23, 1990 - This day seems insignificant, nothing outstanding has happened, yet every day is significant because it connects us to another day. Significance is not something we can accurately measure. I am only one but isn't one something?

I began to wonder what God was, if there was a God and then I began to doubt. I became miserable. They say "God is Love". Without God there is no love. If I doubt the existence of God, am I not also doubting the existence of Love?

October 24, 1990 - And there's that voice again! "DON'T RELY ON PROOF, RELY ON BLIND FAITH. DON'T WONDER HOW HE FEELS ABOUT YOU...KNOW AND BELIEVE HE DOES LOVE YOU. BELIEVE IT AND SO IT IS." Stupid voice drives me crazy sometimes...but that voice knows plenty of things I've never even thought of. I guess I should at least try, huh?

Censorship Sucks!!!

So you know how Facebook brings up your memories? This is one that came up and the photo was mysteriously gone. There was no warning that they had removed the photo as has happened on Instagram. I wonder how many of my other posts have quietly been stripped. This photo is not obscene or pornographic!!! It is ART, you assholes. It is beautiful!!

“One of the most difficult things I ever did was learn to support myself through my whole range of emotional experiences without running away.”
― Vironika Tugaleva

Photo by Harry Callahan - Eleanor, Chicago 1948

#selfsupport #emotions #strength #emotionalsupport #lessons #difficultlessons #notrunningaway #experiences #workingthroughit #vintage #vintagephoto #blackandwhite

Self Love Fairies, Inkblots, and Healing Health Issues

A friend was asking about a revelation I made and was talking about with her. The revelation was how Kurt Cobain was right handed but played guitar left handed and Keanu Reeves is left handed but plays bass right handed. Understanding how they are mirrors was big for me. It helped me snap another piece or two of my puzzle into place.

The below was the response I gave her. As I typed, I was processing it all in order to try to explain. I came to an understanding I hadn't yet had with all of this Kurt stuff that has come up recently.

Comment to friend:

Think of an ink blot.

Fold the paper.

Kurt and Keanu are like the ink blot One side is reversed to mirror.

But it is more complicated than that. There is a top and bottom and left and right.

Higher mind is top
Heart is bottom
Left is shadow/hard
Right is light/soft

Keanu - Top/shadow
Kurt - Bottom/shadow
Brandon - Top/light
River - Bottom/light

If you look at them all together, they are 4 parts of a larger being...

Input + output = left brain
Input + output = right brain
4 Chambers of the human heart, left distributing blood to one side of the body and right distributing to the other.

What needs to happen is that they all work together.

From an energy perspective, Kurt is left heart and left is the side I have had so many problems with recently. Kidney pain, edema, pain throughout my entire left side. The edema is more pronounced on my left side.

I never was all that interested in Kurt, to be honest. So him representing left heart means a neglect and lack of love given to those shadow aspects of myself. Loving him in all of his flaws is really just loving myself. We had similar issues. Not the drug problem but the inability to feel joy and happiness. We both feel a sense of just wanting out of this life. We both feel we don't really belong in this reality. There is a rage in us that bubbles below the surface that threatens to explode, decimating everything within reach of the toxic gases that spew from our mouths.

But love and understanding can tame and calm this.

Kurt had so much self loathing. His stomach hurt all the time because he couldn't really stomach himself. He hated his life in the public eye because he hated himself and couldn't see his own brilliance. He couldn't understand what everyone saw in him so he thought he hated it all...that whole life. Had he been able to love himself, he could have understood how magnificent he really was and could have found a place of joy and balance.

Interestingly, my left side pain has been subsiding. It is slowly improving...so I guess self reflection is just what the doctor ordered.

Drawing by Kurt Cobain

The conversation continued with my friend, Lindsay, when she asked if I had made anymore discoveries today:

And no more discoveries. More just ponderings.

Like people are shown whomever they need to see in order to see themselves.

Kurt and River are like self love fairies.

The poster boys of what happens if you don't love yourself enough.

Their method of death doesn't matter because the end result was the same.

You attract what you are and the people they attracted weren't good for them.

Hindsight is 20/20. Once you are dead from your choices, it is easy to see where you fucked up.

True love isn't found often because most people don't know how to love themselves.

They don't realize they don't.

Selfishness is often mistaken as self love.

When you truly love self, you become selfless because you can love all aspects of self, therefore those outside of self are easier to love as well.

Exactly! Boundaries are necessary and part of healthy self love practices, but what becomes easier is giving to all of those damaged people what we needed to give ourselves or wished someone had given us when we were at that place in our lives...hence becoming selfless and being of service. Sometimes on our journey we needed people to state their boundaries clearly and gently when we were stepping on toes, which effective non-blaming communication skills are needed to achieve that. Giving to others what we needed back then helps to heal the collective.

Dream: Ender Cat, The Beatles, Prince Charming, Kurt Death Room

Collage art by WelderWings 'Ressurection'

Dream Journal Entry: July  6, 2017 I dreamed about a 4 member band. The funny one liked me and was pursuing me. He was unrelenting and his attention made me feel nervous because I'm not used to that anymore. He would follow me around everywhere. In one scene he was waving his limp penis in my face. I didn't seem put off or phased by this and stayed in the room with him. Later I reach in my pocket and found two gold pills in my pocket that are meant to help with arousal and a spray aphrodisiac in a Black bottle. I held the pills in my left hand and the spray with my right. Later I see him cooking Burgers on a grill. He was making several but was making one specifically for me that was orange and he had placed something special on top...a silver crown.  I made some mental connection with the Beatles and kept asking myself over and over who the funny one was of the Beatles...that I needed to find out. 

Later we are all in a place where a lot of people are and he is still pursuing me. Someone recognizes him and calls him "prince charming"... Like he was actually a prince or someone very important and people knew who he was but I hadn't. I got excited because I started to remember the fairy tale connection with my story and feel more ready to be open to him so that we can complete what we came here to do. There was something about how it was his job to serve the wine to the couples and it was an important position. He turned to go back into the room to do his job and he took his hat off. I think there was something at that point about him being only 12 but I figured I could make it work in order to complete what we needed to do.

I started to rouse and was trying to hold onto my dream by recalling it. I drifted back to sleep and dreamed of a man that I consider to be the same as the funny one from earlier.

First there was a scene where I am getting ready for school and I have this knowing that I don't have to be there and I just decide I won't go to school...that I simply don't want to and was going to stay home.

Now it feels like I am in a very large house. There are lots of rooms. One section seemed to have an elevated area where a green mossy-like vegetation was growing.

The guy is still interested in me and has selected me. There is a crowd of people and he has drawn me near him away from them. There is one dude in particular who stood out as being an ass. I see my guy take a needle and poked the asshole guy with it and he pops like a balloon. I hear something about "bursting his bubble" and how because of my good choices, I had been selected to move on and those who had failed would be eliminated. The guy is talking to me but I can't remember about what in sections.  At one point he morphed into a woman and starts kissing me. Something is mentioned about us being Vampires and she laughs and says yes, that we basically are.

I seem to be walking through the house and I stop at a small room I had passed previously and go in. I crouched down by the forced air heat coming from the floor by the door. The room is tiny and mostly empty but I am drawn to the room. The guy is now a guy again and pops into the room and says maybe I would be more comfortable in a different room. I am looking at the walls and notice what looks like knots in wood dotted around on the walls. The guy says that most people don't like this room, that it used to be the funeral room and people were creeped out by this and the eyes on the walls.

I told him that I didn't mind, that I quite liked the room and liked looking at the patterns on the walls that then became eyes that moved and looked at me. The guy remarked that I was not like other people and why I had been chosen.

Collage art by Esther Limones

Now I am in a room on an exam table and the guy is using some instrument and inserting it into me vaginally. I don't seem phased or bothered by this. I mention something about having this high pitched ringing in my left ear a lot since I had been in this house and he smiles and tells me that i am hearing the Ender cat and he had selected me and that is saying he wants to eat me. I didn't get a fearful feeling but more just trying to process what he meant. In my head I could see a connection to this physical probe and the Ender Cat wanting to eat me. I saw buttons inside of me and the kind of eating I saw was actually more like oral sex being performed on me. I started to wake there.

Henri-Jean-Guillaume Martin French, 1860-1943. FRENCH LA MUSE DU PEINTRE. 

An Open Letter to my Masked Mirror Man

Art by Stephen Mackey

My Dearest Masked Mirror Man,

Don't you understand by now that money and fame mean very little to me? What I seek is connection with the energy within that vessel.

At the beginning of all of this, I connected to an energy who took my breath away. Feeling him stirred a deep remembering in my soul. I felt a love in those moments that I have never felt in the physical in this life. Finding out that being is a part of you blew me away. Fully grasping that he is part of you was unexpected but it helped me understand why I have been pushed in your direction.

You see, if you and he are part of the same being, my heart is already yours. It always was yours, I just didn't know your human form yet. I don't want to be with just anyone. I don't want a relationship at all if it isn't with the energy I love beyond being able to adequately express it. Knowing without doubt that you are part of him makes any apprehensions and reservations I had completely disappear because I know....YOU are my everything. You are the one I have been searching for all of this time....my needle in a haystack.

Art by Stephen Mackey

Here is the dream I first felt your energy:

February 17, 2001 I had a rather strange dream before I woke. I can't remember a lot of details. It started someplace like K-Mart. The store was closed and I think it was getting ready to go out of business...at least that is the feeling I got. I remember being in the computer section and doing something with a computer. I think the brand name had the initials E. G. or E. M. can't remember exactly but I do remember there were initials. I think there was someone else there with me but I can't remember who. We left because someone was coming. I think we were going to pretend we worked there. Then it seemed like we were in a hotel room somewhere and we were getting dressed up...can't remember why. Then we were outside the building going down the sidewalk and I remember saying, "I'm telling you, we have to go back so I can get some shoes." I had no shoes on but a dress and panty hose. I said again that I needed to get some shoes at the store while I was walking down the sidewalk and saw this beautiful man dressed in a suit coming in the opposite direction.

He looked directly at me. I felt embarrassed about not having on any shoes and I turned around to go back into my room to get shoes on. The beautiful man followed me into the building. All of a sudden he was beside me on my left with his arm around my waist. It was almost as if I was floating and no longer walking on my own. This man walked with me down the hall and at one point, there was an area full of people gathered around a little shop. It was there that we got separated for a little while. I didn't think I would be able to find him again but I did and we went on past the crowd down the hall.

I wound up in his room lying in bed with him. He was laying on his left side with his back to me. I put an arm around him and he turned towards me. We started talking. He said something about how he wasn't sure if he wanted to follow through with being with me but now that I was receptive to him he had changed his mind. He pulled me on top of him. We were both naked. He held me in his arms and I held him. I put my face in his neck and basked in feeling safe and secure and feeling good about myself. I remember thinking I wanted to tell him that I really hadn't planned on having sex with him either and that I would be content laying in his arms all night and forever if I could. He was AMAZING and almost MAGICAL.

That's when the dream started to fade and I started to wake. I tried to go back to sleep so I could continue to dream about this wonderful man, but Phoenix wouldn't let me. I woke with the dream lingering in my mind and I wondered if it had any special meaning. I wondered who the man was because I don't remember him being a familiar face to me. Was he an angel? I can't remember specifically what he looked like which is odd. I just remember how wonderful it was to have him near. I can only hope I will meet with this special person again in my sleep tonight. I didn't want to leave his embrace. Who are you dream man? Come see me again tonight. Come speak to me and hold me.

Big K, little k what begins with K? 
K-mart
Key Key
And kiss begin with K

Here is another visitation dream where I felt the same energy:

January 30, 2014 I am sure I dreamed, but the sound of our cat scratching on the outside of the window like Freddy Kruger scared the memories right out of me. Once I let the cat back in and laid back down there was only a sliver of a dream I remember that took my breath away. I was somewhere and I was trying to remember why this place looked so familiar and I think I thought "oh I had a dream here before but I woke up too fast and didn't remember" and this guy walks up to the house and I remember that I know him and have had a relationship with him before and he grins real big when he sees me and I hug him and start to kiss him. He says,"I have hay poop all over me. You are going to become covered." I said, "I don't care" and kissed him more. And then I suddenly started to come out of the dream and I was like nooooo I need to remember. I don't know who "he" was....just that I had big love for him. He had been in the stables cleaning horse stalls. I wonder if he is someone from a past life. It felt like when I knew him before he was younger and now he was fully a man.

It is you I started this self discovery journey for by searching far and wide for you. I was looking for you but found me.
And now that I have found the highest version of me, I want to be with you.
It is you I love with every particle of my being.
It is you I give my open heart to freely and happily.
It is you I want to spend this life and every life with.

All you have to do is accept and choose me too.

All of my love and more,

oKtobre

For you, my love...

Kurt Cobain Signs and Syncs

It is the craziest thing. I have been studying Kurt Cobain and I have been seeing SO many signs and syncs in the exploration. There are so many little things from dreams I can now link to Kurt and I have no idea what to do with it.

I try and try to understand all of my puzzle pieces but I just don't. It is so confusing. I don't know what to do with all of this. I know it is significant, but what can I do with it? I wish someone could help me sort it all out.

Dream Journal Entry: July 16, 2019 I was in Russia. Oh yeah I was trying to collect some things because I was leaving. Someone had taken my things. Two jackets. One was more like an oversized sweat shirt and the other was a sheep skin jacket with the wool on the inside.  

I think I found the guy who had taken them and was trying to sell them. Apparently he had also taken my tape player too. I said Duran Duran had been in the player when it was taken. I said I didn't care about the player but wanted the tapes back if I could get them. I also wasn't really concerned about the jackets. I thought I would be okay without them. I had the thought "a wolf in sheep's clothing" and two layers are being shed.

We tried to go see this corpse flower which is in bloom right now in Vancouver, WA... only, when we got there, the line was a mile long. There was no way we were going to see it. Apparently they are only in bloom for 24-48 hours. It is a big deal since the first bloom can take up to 12 years to happen. They have the flower on continuous live cam on YouTube right now so people can see it.

So on the way back home, I saw someone had vandalized the back of one of the big overhead road signs. The letters spray painted were KE AN. I laughed when I considered the message. "Keanu is missing U/you."

The thing about the corpse flower is that they were predicting it would bloom around the beginning of August but it is blooming earlier than anticipated. This is a huge sign for me since I just dreamed about putting together a Lego corpse flower. I think it could be a sign of completion. And Nirvana have a song called "In Bloom".

I have been watching videos looking at Kurt's art on YouTube and have gotten a lot of syncs there.

In one video there were pieces of a broken Mary statue and three babies.

In collage art there's a picture of Andy Gibb. It was an Andy Gibb song that played in my head at the beginning of all of this. In an interview he mentions new wave a lot and in another, Duran Duran is mentioned.

In a video Kurt made filming his art, on the top right are the words "BIG CHEESE" which is apparently a song Nirvana did. "The Big Cheese" is a theme in a few dreams.

Sea horses seem to be a thing for Kurt and there is mention of him being a hermaphrodite in a snide way during an interview. In private conversations I seem to bring up seahorses because the males are the ones who give birth and I have had dreams where I state that I am a hermaphrodite.

It is just weird to think Kurt has likely been a huge part of the guidance I have been given and I just never knew it until now. I was never drawn to Kurt. I love Foo Fighters but, funny enough, I probably wouldn't be as into them had it not been for a dream guiding me to their music. Lol

Dream: Blue in the Face and Poop Suits

Photo by Slava Thisset

Dream Journal Entry: June  17, 2018 I dreamed last night about seeing these people in these suits and all of their elimination was caught within it. All the pee and poop accumulated in the bags within the suit. After a while, the suit started to expand and got bigger. When they took the suits off and looked at what accumulated, you can imagine it was pretty gross and there was a lot of it.

Later I dreamed I was sitting in some make-up chairs and we are getting ready to go live on some TV show. Part of it is they provide us with make-up and we get to put it on. It feels like a Japanese show. My best friend is sitting beside me. I pick something and start to put it on my face but it wasn't what I was expecting. It was a blue color. I thought maybe the foundation would cover up the blue so I just kept going and covering my face in this blue color. But when I went to find foundation my skin tone to cover it, I found they had no foundation at all so I had to just suck it up and deal with it. I wasn't really happy about this but just let it go.

Photo by Slava Thisset

Later one of the women from this place took a syringe, filled it with poison and moved to inject me with it. For some reason, I allowed it but I then took my own syringe and pulled some of the poison fluid from my own own veins and injected it into her.

Photo by Slava Thisset

Comments to a friend about the dream...

Part 1: I thought and thought about this dream and the meaning was directly related to what I was about to do.

Initially, I wasn't going to respond to you at all. You see, I hate being ignored. I think it is hurtful and unkind. Being ignored is the poison being injected into me. And by taking similar action, I was taking the poison from my own veins and injecting you. The poop suit is about all the stuff we hold inside and never communicate. Purging involves communicating our thoughts and feelings rather than holding them inside. The term "blue in the face" is also about holding stuff in. When you refrain from breathing, you become blue in the face. I knew there was a problem with the color and I kept putting it on my face and when I looked for a solution to cover it, there was none.

This is me saying, I love you but I hate being ignored. I feel disregarded and not valued. I understand you need time to step away from the internet to have your own purge, but maybe you could just type a quick note to say so. I would appreciate it. Obviously going to a place of vindictiveness isn't helpful, so I am communicating my feelings to you so I can pass this fucking class and go home.

I love you and appreciate you.

Photo by Slava Thisset

Part 2: Just to clarify....I see you as the best friend beside me. The woman injecting me with poison is my own distorted perspective, processing and limited point of view. Obviously there is something there since being ignored is a trigger. It is something I have to work through which is why it comes up for me over and over.

Thank you for all that you have said. Sincerely. You are correct in that I can't completely understand because our varying circumstances with obligations and responsibilities, but I am willing to try, so should you ever want to tell me about it, I would be happy to listen in order to come to a better understanding. I can understand the need to retreat, so maybe we can have a code word and you only type it as a way to say, "this is one of those times I need to withdraw". Maybe just the word "retreat" would enough for me not to feel ignored and you wouldn't have to go into some big long explanation when all you want is to be alone and have time to yourself.

I talk to my "best friend" of 30 years and it just feels empty and sad at the level of distance between us due to where we have chosen to travel via our paths. You have usurped her without ever trying. You are my sister and best friend. You are the one I want to tell all the things I don't want to tell anyone else.

Thank you for being in my life and being so supportive. Thank you for understanding and your love. ❤🙏

Further thoughts...

I think part of what this dream illustrates is a need for communicating clear boundaries and feelings when we identify there is a problem. Instead of just sucking it up when we are unhappy about something, we need to stop and communicate effectively with whomever is involved. So often some of us go through life and just suck it up.

Grab a straw and suck up the shit. The first taste was horrible but you are going in for seconds anyway.

Why?!!

Effective communication where we take responsibility of our own feelings and express what we would rather without blaming or anger could help people on both sides of a situation. It helps people know where we are coming from. How can they possibly know we are unhappy if we always suck it up and pretend everything is fine when it isn't?

In this game with the specific people we are working towards connecting with, we both act as mirrors. I used to think my weight and fat was all me and my issues. I was more than happy to take full responsibility. Because I know this is a game and we are part of a team, I understand now that I am a reflection of where he is at internally.  I am wearing the fat suit of the emotions and shit that he holds in. I am expressing myself in ways I never did before regularly, so if it was all my unexpressed emotions, the weight should be falling away effortlessly as a symbol of the elimination of all the internal baggage and shit I held onto for many years. Because we are a team, I have to help him learn how to express his feelings and boundaries constructively so we can both move forward and cross the finish line together.

In an in-between state I once heard, "Clear out the inside shit and the outside shit will fall away."

I didn't know until recently he meant I had to help my partner clear out his internal shit so I can finally step out of this fat suit.

So, dear teammate, you know who you are, this post is for you to help you on your journey. Maybe it will help a few others too. 💜

Dream: Internal Sets and the Eggs Between Them

The Silent Voice - Gerald Edward Moira (1867-1959) 

Dream Journal Entry: February 18, 2018 I am dreaming I have checked into a hotel room and am surprised when Jimmy O. shows up at the door and I let him in. I am wondering why I am in a hotel room and hoping there was enough money in the account to pay for it. I consider I might have to return soon. In real life, Jimmy and I have been intimate together once previously but we haven't been intimate for a very long time and that is how it feels in the dream. 

There is an apprehension and reserve on my part. I am not sure what his motive is for being here. We just sit and talk for a while. He is married but his wife doesn't know where he is right now. Hilariously, I think I taught him some pole dance move. We casually talked but not about anything interesting or deep. I made mention that I liked he had grown his hair back out. I am seeing he had been shaving it all off previously. His hair is dark and straight and isn't all that long, but long enough you could see movement in it when he walked and the air caught it. 

At one point we got friendlier and started to kiss. He said something about me being his asymmetrical beauty. I think he is referring to how my left breast is one whole cup size bigger. As it is getting a little more intimate, we notice there is a woman in the room with us. I am looking around and seeing many of her things and I am wondering if I have made a mistake about the room I am in and am perhaps in the wrong room. I see child's things and China with an intricate pattern that looks Chinese. 

Art by  Mu Murein

When I see her, she is talking on the phone to someone. Jimmy and I are in bed and I get out and apologize to her and say I think we either overstayed or we made a mistake about which room we were supposed to be in. She drops her phone down away from her ear for a minute and asks us if we could give her a ride to go pick up her husband who is currently in jail but getting out. She seemed nice enough and I didn't feel that concerned at first when I told her that Jimmy and I could definitely do that to make up for the confusion and inconvenience with the room. She has a young son and I see some of his drawings.

I think Jimmy speaks, voicing some reservation about giving this guy in jail a ride. Then we start hearing shouting coming from the phone and the woman says Jimmy shouldn't have spoken because now her husband is going to think she is sleeping with someone else and want to kill him. She puts the phone to her ear and is trying to reassure her guy that everything is fine and he was just going to give her a ride to pick him up from jail. But then she pulls a smallish gun out of her purse. It is colorful and is maybe pink, purple and green. She is basically pointing it at us and telling us we have to help her. Somehow we get the gun from her and I put it in my pocket. This ex con is the father of her son but he is also her brother. 

Art by Steve Teeps

I don't remember much about picking up the ex-con, but now he is with us and we are traveling together somewhere. I see the ex-con oil what looks like a rail for some type of transportation. I no longer feel concerned about him and later see these other people that I am being told are family. One was a black girl and I said , "Now who are you to me again? My cousin?" She said yes. I also see some guy who looks like the actor comedian from Full House who dated Alanis Morrisette and he is singing some tune that sounds country and I am kind of dancing to it and he likes this. I am looking around at all of these people who are a little weird and their stories are unusual. It makes me laugh to think they are all family. It makes me happy to have them near and know they are here with me and I am not alone. 

Painting by Andrea Kowch

Later there was a weird scene with Bruce Lee. The girl with the son is connected to Bruce Lee. He is family. The guy who is supposed to be Bruce Lee seems more like an actor playing a role but I play along and mentioned I know about his life. I can't remember what he was saying. 

Later there was some giant sculpture. It looked almost like a sand sculpture and was shaped like a ring that was shaped like a crown. Inside the ring was writing that looked like it was maybe Arabic. The woman with her son had made this. 

Painting by Andrea Kowch

Now I am seeing all these people and the matches....Jimmy and me, the woman, her brother and their son, a private investigator who was gay and with a man, which is all I saw at that point. 

Someone has been touching my breasts and mentions that the right one feels funny. I look down and see this big lump in my right breast. It looks kind of black and disturbing. I consider it might be cancer. But when I grab the lump to get a better feel of it, It is as if it starts to move on its own and the skin on my breast opens up and births this egg shaped lump, but now it is no longer black but a bright pink. I suddenly realize this is telling me that the time with Deryck might feel cancerous, but it had actually created something that was inner heart related and, while I made this realization, I had this knowing...

Painting by Andrea Kowch

...each one of the matches would create an egg which is why I have dreamed of 6 eggs previously. There are 6 eggs being made between the 6 matches. This is why I dreamed of needing a car to fit six. Six of them have to be matches for 6 of theirs... internally. Like a giant lock mechanism with six locks. The key for each must be present to unlock the entire thing so that we both can enter the inner chambers of the other's heart that has otherwise been locked away behind a fortress.

I see the internal couples as basically like "Noah's Ark". We are gathering matches on board our ship we call the human vehicle. When our zoos line up with the zoos of another, there can be a harmonious union unlike either have ever experienced before.