Book Review:
I finished reading Laura Jane Grace's book, Tranny, recently. I went into it not really knowing what to expect, but am so glad I did. I felt a little like Bastian in The Neverending Story experiencing what Atreyu was experiencing in his trials and tribulations and I simply could not put the book down. I cheered her on. I got mad at the cops who were abusive to her. I fell in love with those she fell in love with and I felt anguish, loss and desolation at times. So many experiences she describes, like drug use, I can't at all relate to but I was fascinated by all of the details of a life somewhat foreign to me. I am completely inhibited and not much of a risk taker, so that was interesting to see through her eyes and listen to what she was feeling and experiencing along the way. Like with so many fictional characters we read about, for instance Lestat, Lasher, and Mona Mayfair, we fall in love with them. We follow their journey and we get to know them. They feel like friends we would love to have coffee and long conversations with. Okay, maybe with Lestat it would be blood we would share. Lol But by the end of this book, I was left with a yearning and longing that she was really my friend. I was left wishing she was the kind of friend who was so close enough to me that she knows she can call me at 2am and I would always make time for her no matter what. While I appreciated getting to know Tom, I am glad I didn't know who Against Me! were until now because, really, Tom was a lie. He wasn't who she really is. He was just the mask she wore and I have so much love and respect for the woman she is now. Knowing Tom would have skewed my feelings and made it harder for me to accept the real version because he would have left a bad taste in my mouth. I have gazed at pictures of both and there is a completely different energy. They look completely different. I would have never been attracted to Tom and yet Laura I find so completely adorable. And I do mean that in a date-able way even though I have never dated a woman. I find myself incredibly attracted to her. I hope she continues to keep journals and writes a sequel eventually. PS my number is 867-5309
Soul Connections in Dreams:
So many that go down the path of dream interpretation, because they are prolific dreamers, tend to stick to interpreting dreams as being all subconscious shit you are trying to work through and, by seeing them only in this way, you are missing the other messages that are trying to make it through. What many fail to recognize is that we often leave our bodies when we go to sleep. To think that everything you see is happening in your head would be erroneous. That simply isn't the case. We leave our bodies and go off to hang out with other people, but what both parties see in those moments can look very different based on what we need as reference points to connect the dots and eventually understand the messages.
I once had what I considered the absolute worst psychic reading ever and the only thing this guy got that I kind of resonated with at the time was he told me that there was someone very meaningful to me in Chicago. I threw away the rest of what he had to say. Little did I know at the time, it was actually one of the better readings, I just didn't know how to interpret it at the time. Dreams are often the same way. We need more pieces of our puzzle to come in before we can fully understand the meanings of certain aspects of dreams. This was the case for me when I started having dreams about men who liked to dress in women's clothing and then it started to evolve into men who were transitioning into women. I was also having dreams about having a relationship with a woman. I have never been with a woman nor have I been tempted to do so. It was curious, to say the least. While I have a beloved trans person in my life, the dreams didn't feel like they were about that specific person.
I have shared some of these dreams on Instagram but will put them all in one place in this post.
Dreams:
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| Photo of Ruby Rose |
February 10, 2014
I
died in my weird ass dream. I was driving up a mountain and parts of
the road had fallen away and the car I was driving went off the cliff. I
woke up and was inside a robot version of me and the people who made it
were trying to convince my husband it would be just as good as the
human me. And then the scene changed and I was me again and this
awesomely tattooed woman walks by. I was looking at her tattoos feeling
like I recognized her and I said "oh I saw you in the paper and just
thought you were so beautiful. I love your tattoos." She had blue and
blond and black hair. She pulled me close to her so our bodies were
against each other and asked me to meet her at the Crystal Ballroom for a
date. I didn't know what to say. I was tempted but my husband was
standing right there and as she held me against her, my body responded
to her. I sheepishly told her that I was married and had to decline. I
think she was a hair dresser or something. I looked over at her while I
was leaving the place and grinned real big and said bye. When I woke
shortly after I was doing that gasping for air thing.
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| Photo art by Jamie Vesta |
February 1, 2016
I seem to recall dreaming of the actor who plays Hoyt on True Blood. I had to look up his name. Apparently it is Jim. In the dream it started with doing something on the computer...some sort of online communication. I can't remember how he ended up at our house, but he did. I am not even sure why I was excited about it. He was sweet like his character, Hoyt. I got the impression he didn't feel quite like he could be himself in his world. I think I was encouraging him to let go and be himself. We were talking about accents (I just posted something about accents on a Sum 41 post) and I am hearing myself and feeling surprised at how southern I sound. It seems he ordered something and it arrived. It was a white dress. Next we seem to be in his truck driving, It was high up off the ground like those monster trucks. At first we were driving in circles around the driveway really fast and then we are driving down the highway going really fast. I wasn't scared. we pass a guy in another jacked up truck like ours, and he decides he wants to race us. He waves at me and I wave back and smile but he isn't able to pass us. It jumps and we were now out of the truck and Hoyt/Jim is now wearing the white dress. He says something about how the stupid dress was meant for him. He is acting upset. I touch his back and said "It isn't stupid, honey. You look beautiful." I am stroking his back and wrapping my arms around him in an embrace. Suddenly his hair is now long and I am stroking it and telling him that it is okay and that he should be free to be who he wants to be and that I loved him exactly the way he is. I look at him and his face has changed. He is smiling, he now has facial hair...a short dark beard and he is wearing make-up and i think there might have been a couple piercings. I think he is beautiful and I like the changes. and then I wake up.
I seem to recall dreaming of the actor who plays Hoyt on True Blood. I had to look up his name. Apparently it is Jim. In the dream it started with doing something on the computer...some sort of online communication. I can't remember how he ended up at our house, but he did. I am not even sure why I was excited about it. He was sweet like his character, Hoyt. I got the impression he didn't feel quite like he could be himself in his world. I think I was encouraging him to let go and be himself. We were talking about accents (I just posted something about accents on a Sum 41 post) and I am hearing myself and feeling surprised at how southern I sound. It seems he ordered something and it arrived. It was a white dress. Next we seem to be in his truck driving, It was high up off the ground like those monster trucks. At first we were driving in circles around the driveway really fast and then we are driving down the highway going really fast. I wasn't scared. we pass a guy in another jacked up truck like ours, and he decides he wants to race us. He waves at me and I wave back and smile but he isn't able to pass us. It jumps and we were now out of the truck and Hoyt/Jim is now wearing the white dress. He says something about how the stupid dress was meant for him. He is acting upset. I touch his back and said "It isn't stupid, honey. You look beautiful." I am stroking his back and wrapping my arms around him in an embrace. Suddenly his hair is now long and I am stroking it and telling him that it is okay and that he should be free to be who he wants to be and that I loved him exactly the way he is. I look at him and his face has changed. He is smiling, he now has facial hair...a short dark beard and he is wearing make-up and i think there might have been a couple piercings. I think he is beautiful and I like the changes. and then I wake up.
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| Crop of photo by David Leyes |
June 1, 2016
I had some CRAZY dreams last night. I will recall the most vivid one first. I dreamed of Deryck Whibley and he is talking about how he has trouble getting erect. He seems to want to say something but is holding back. I gently coax him into telling me. He confesses that when he wears women's underwear, it helps to stimulate him into arousal and he wishes he could get stimulated without it because his girlfriend doesn't really like that he needs the women's underwear to help him. I am sympathetic and tell him I kind of dig a man in silky underwear. I told him he shouldn't be ashamed or embarrassed...that it was perfectly okay.
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| Photographer Unknown. |
June 5, 2016
I dreamed there were these odd people who turned up at my house. I wasn't sure what they wanted. They were there with a black pick-up truck and handed me the keys saying it was a gift for me. I was confused. I was shown in images all these things I could have chosen that were considered less than savory or less preferred and I had turned them all down. Apparently they were set-ups to see what I would do and what I would choose. I was shown that I was being rewarded with the gift of the truck for my good choices in those situations. They also offered me time with the people they sent. I want to say massages were offered but I declined yet thanked them for offering. I seem to recall seeing something like big flashy plastic costume jewelry everywhere. I wasn't sure why it was there. The women lingered behind. One was dark haired, very pretty and showed an interest in me. At first I politely declined her advances but then changed my mind and kissed her. With just the kiss I orgasmed. I don't remember much else about that part.
July 19, 2016
I have been dreaming that I am a hermaphrodite lately. On a spiritual meaning level it is a really great symbol of balance and integration of masculine and feminine. On an entirely human level it just seems strange in my waking state to think about. In the first one I had both penis and vagina and had sex with myself. In the second it was said that it was all internal and the doctors said it could be fixed. I said I didn't want to be "fixed", that I was fine as I was.
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| Photo by Christer Strömholm (1918–2002) as seen here. |
Dream Journal Entry: January 19, 2017
WARNING: The next two dreams will be considered explicit to some people, so please skip reading it if sexual content makes you uncomfortable.
Right before I woke there was a bit about a guy who is a costume designer/hair stylist. Apparently he is supposed to be the same guy as the one I had hugged and kissed on the cheek earlier. I greet him and he is talking about a really special and elaborate hair piece he is working on. I ask to see it and he shows me. I am marveling at how long the hair is and how he was able to put it together. I am asking what material he used to make it and the hair weaves he does for clients. He has a couple clients there and one is sitting in a chair. He is getting hair put on to his own so that it is longer and fuller. The costume designer is wearing a velour type floor length gown. It is simple in style and is blue and white in color. He is talking about what it is made of and I say it looks soft and ask if I can touch it. He says yes and I run my hand down his chest but then it continues to travel down between his legs and I touch him there briefly. We both smile at each other. The position I am in is blocking the view of the clients so they can't see what I just did. I think something is mentioned about it being soft like rabbit and I asked if it was synthetic. I venture to touch him clandestinely again. It was at this point I had this knowing that he was actually a transitioned female. I am seeing in my head she has a brother but she had made the transition and no longer had a penis. She is now sitting in one of the salon style chairs and I come up behind her and I kiss her cheek and slide a hand down the velvety dress and reach past the skirt and touch her inside. She doesn't resist and I say to her, "I love you." And I started to wake up there.
WARNING: The next two dreams will be considered explicit to some people, so please skip reading it if sexual content makes you uncomfortable.
Right before I woke there was a bit about a guy who is a costume designer/hair stylist. Apparently he is supposed to be the same guy as the one I had hugged and kissed on the cheek earlier. I greet him and he is talking about a really special and elaborate hair piece he is working on. I ask to see it and he shows me. I am marveling at how long the hair is and how he was able to put it together. I am asking what material he used to make it and the hair weaves he does for clients. He has a couple clients there and one is sitting in a chair. He is getting hair put on to his own so that it is longer and fuller. The costume designer is wearing a velour type floor length gown. It is simple in style and is blue and white in color. He is talking about what it is made of and I say it looks soft and ask if I can touch it. He says yes and I run my hand down his chest but then it continues to travel down between his legs and I touch him there briefly. We both smile at each other. The position I am in is blocking the view of the clients so they can't see what I just did. I think something is mentioned about it being soft like rabbit and I asked if it was synthetic. I venture to touch him clandestinely again. It was at this point I had this knowing that he was actually a transitioned female. I am seeing in my head she has a brother but she had made the transition and no longer had a penis. She is now sitting in one of the salon style chairs and I come up behind her and I kiss her cheek and slide a hand down the velvety dress and reach past the skirt and touch her inside. She doesn't resist and I say to her, "I love you." And I started to wake up there.
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| Photo by Christer Strömholm (1918–2002) |
I was dreaming I was in a car maybe. I seem to be having sex with a couple different women. They were doing things to me to pleasure me. It was my first lesbian experience and I just allowed it and felt what I was experiencing. After having been pleasured by them both, I felt it was my turn to reciprocate, but I was unsure of myself in the situation. I started kissing one girl who had kissed me first and she says I should kiss the other girl who had made me orgasm and saying something about how she herself was easy to love because of her appealing and nicely shaped body but that people like me should be given more love because our bodies were harder to love. That the main woman loved people like me more because of our imperfections. When I went to kiss the main woman, it became obvious why she liked people more who had imperfect bodies because she was imperfect as well. The first thing I noticed was she had no hair. She was bald. I kissed her and started to touch her. When I reached down between her legs, it was revealed that she had a penis and this was where she lacked physically because she didn't have a vagina. Obviously this didn't matter to me since I happen to like penis and I stroked her until she was hard enough to mount. She seemed pleased that I wasn't put off by her having a penis. We had sex and I see her again popping up later and surprising me. It seems she is self conscious and doesn't usually pursue people for a relationship but I see her in a meadow waiting for me wearing a crown of pine to make her blend in with the vegetation. She popped up to reveal her interest. It seems I am now seeing it from the outside as a scene and they have fast forwarded and there is really bad make-up trying to make them look old and showing them still together. They have a baby together too.
The dream jumps and there was some bit about James Franco and in my head I am thinking he wishes he was a woman. He wants to be known as a woman.
The dream jumps and there was some bit about James Franco and in my head I am thinking he wishes he was a woman. He wants to be known as a woman.
Additional Dream Clues:
These are just a few of the dreams I have had. There have been a lot. These are simply the ones that stand out in my mind. Consistently I have had dreams that reference people with the names "Thomas" and "Jim/James" over and over again. I have also had dreams referencing Chicago, Illinois and Gainesville, Florida. I just filed it all away and figured it might make sense some day. When I was looking for photos and quotes about gender neutrality for Instagram, I came across Laura Jane Grace from Against Me! but I totally didn't pay attention. It was while I was having a conversation with my friend, Ashely, from In My Sacred Space, about the whole men in dresses and transgender issue and she mentioned the band Against Me! and the lead singer. She mentioned that the music is really good too. I told her that I had come across them but didn't explore it further past reading a short blurb. It was because Ashley was bringing them up that I felt like this was a nudge to look further in that direction and so I did.
I was SHOCKED!
With each piece of little information I gained, I was blown away. Laura Jane Grace's name before transition was Thomas James Gabel. There were those two names I kept getting in dreams. Thomas spent years living in Gainesville, Florida but was now living in Chicago as Laura Jane Grace. I have consistently had crows and ravens showing up in both dreams and as signs and syncs in my day to day life. Laura is covered in tattoos of ravens and crows. I got really excited about learning about her and making all of these amazing connections.
What does it all mean?
I am not entirely sure yet but I am pretty sure we are connected on a deep soul level, but what can I possibly do about it? I guess that is the real million dollar question. I have tried reaching out to her, but she doesn't seem to remotely recognize me energetically which makes it pretty hard. The more I have come to know about her, the more I doubt my ability to connect with her. I had similar dreams that connected me to Dercyk Whibley from Sum 41, but he seemed to recognize my energy even if he didn't realize it was recognition. At the beginning, he was very responsive to me...maybe a little too responsive because it suddenly stopped one day even though I had said nothing at that point to offend. Oh I definitely said things later to provoke and offend, but that was more out of feeling hurt and confused about why I had been cut off when no one else had in that community. A dream indicated that he had been given an order to kill me and I considered his then fiance was insecure and told him to stop talking to me. For the three years I have gotten to know this character in the play. I know and understand that Deryck is loyal and faithful to those closest to him, so I can see him complying with her wishes. How was he to know we are connected on a soul level and how these actions would wound me deeply? Despite all of the hurt I felt, I tried to keep at it and reach him. Humor with him I found pretty effortless. I don't know why. I can easily be playful and silly with him and I have struggled to be playful in the same way with Laura and I don't know why. I sit there staring at the blank dialogue box with the cursor blinking and taunting me. I will start and then erase and just give up because if what I am writing bores the fuck out of me, surely it isn't worth posting.
What I know for sure my guides have asked me to do with both Deryck and Laura is to wake them up. With Deryck I got really frustrated with trying and had a dream at one point where I hid the radio alarm clock because I was sick of listening to it blaring and him not waking up. I was told then that "they" would not be happy that I had done that. In the recent dream that I feel was about Laura, I was banging two frying pans together by her to wake her up. I tried posting and tagging her after that, but all of my attempts to connect just fall flat.
My guides ask the impossible of me.
I am nobody...no one...and they want me to reach out and wake these two celebrity people up so we can do the work we came here to do, but I just don't know how I can do this. Yes, work, not sex. Hahaha I know some of my dreams might make you think it is all about sex. Honestly, I think we interpret merging with the energy of others as sex because that is really the main reference point we have for that sort of thing in the physical. I definitely think it is about work, whatever that may look like, that we are meant to do together. Is it music related? That would be the logical deduction. That is what I think the baby in the last dream represents...something created together.
The task feels impossible...
...and yet I know it is possible.
I just haven't figured out which corridor in the maze is going to lead me there.
