Problem Solving, Practice What you Preach

Art by Stefan Koidl

I have a problem.

A recent discovery has left me feeling disturbed and uncomfortable.

I think my daughter's father has been electronically listening in on my private conversations with her and anyone I might talk to.

I went through a myriad of feelings:

Violated
Disturbed
Angry
Fearful
Disgusted
Hate
Desperation to escape

I tried to understand why this was happening. How had I helped manifest it and what was lesson in it? All I could see was a red mist. I knew I had to get a little distance from it before acting, so I slept.

When I woke, I remembered how my guides told me they would like to see me put into action the knowledge I have gained. Basically they are saying, "Practice what you preach." And so I sit here processing the problem with all of you.

I asked myself, "What is the core issue here?" Certainly for him it is showing the extreme lengths someone will go to who has serious communication  deficits. This is a man who, for fifteen years, has been like a wall to talk to. There is no communication. And when he finally does feel moved to communicate, it is anything but constructive and non-blaming.

When Inara was young, he was a great dad. He was playful and fun. But all of that changed as she got older and started asserting her own ideas and opinions. She developed her own interests and no longer wanted to be forced to participate in activities only he is interested in. He started to treat her the way he had always treated me and so much blame gets piled on her lap regularly. They fight a lot. They are like oil and water and conflict is ever present.

One time, in a huge angry argument with him, I told him how I felt he takes out all of his anger for me on her and that I wish he would stop. I told him that he has no idea who she is as a person and that I wish he would take some time to know her and learn to have conversations with her because if he doesn't do it now, they will never have a close relationship later in life. I would love for my daughter to not have the daddy issues I grew up with.

Even after me saying all of that, he still never really worked on improving the relationship.

Fast forward to now and my Inara was saying how her father is suddenly being nice to her and it makes her feel really uncomfortable and she doesn't know how to react because she isn't used to it.

Some of the conversations we had while he was listening in was a lot about Inara's feelings about her father. They aren't warm and fuzzy and he might have been a little taken back by how much venom she has for him. I have my own issues with him but, for the most part, I want her to try to have a relationship with him. I want her to practice treating people the way she wants to be treated and not how they have treated her. I want her to learn to rise above and make higher mind choices.

So when he started behaving uncharacteristically nice to her and interested, we were both suspicious. There were other red flags later that clued us in he is listening to us. When we discussed our concerns to each other, one of the things I said was, "This is a lesson in never saying something privately that you aren't willing to own publicly." My daughter, who is 10, asked me what that means. I told her, "It means taking ownership of what you said and admitting it. It means taking responsibility for our own words."

Now, it doesn't mean that what he has done is okay. It is definitely still a violation and breach of trust. Open communication would be the preferred path, but we can't force anyone to change. They have to make a choice. I only have control over me, my perception, how I respond, and what I take away from it.

The question I was asking myself this morning is, how can I practice what I preach in this situation? How can I apply the spiritual knowledge I have gained on this journey? I was just saying, recently, how we should try to respond with compassion and kindness, even in difficult situations and, somehow, I need to apply this idea to this situation even though I have a strong knee-jerk disdain for this person.

I am always saying that we should face our fears and here was an opportunity to not fall into fearful reactionary behavior.

What is the solution?

Art by Marc Fishman

I think it is a lesson in standing naked without shame or trying to hide in fear. It is a lesson in taking personal responsibility for our thoughts, feelings and words. It is a lesson in open communication and transparency. It is a lesson in remaining authentic ALWAYS...not just when it is convenient and comfortable. Standing in your truth means braving any adversity that threatens to knock us down. It means remaining true to ourselves and not letting fear and anger influence our thoughts and actions.

By all means, FEEL it all. Feel what you feel in the moment and then step back and look at it under a microscope to extract all that you can from the opportunity. And, yes,  difficult experiences really are an opportunity but we have to re-adjust our perspective to understand fully the opportunity and lessons it provides.

I will not hide.
I will not fear.
I will not remain in anger.

I choose compassion and kindness.
I choose to treat people the way I want to be treated, not as they have treated me.
I choose authenticity, open communication and transparency.
I choose to stay open hearted and trust regardless of violations to both.
I choose to be heart centered and balanced.
I choose the path of love.

Art by Catrin Welz-Stein

Dream Excerpt: Coming Together

"Tristan and Isolde" by Marc Fishman

Dream Journal Excerpt: May 17, 2017
At the tail end was a couple coming together. People had tried to keep them apart but they finally made their way back to each other. He was attractive, a little older, like maybe later 30s early 40s but wasn't gray. He had beautiful brown skin and straight with some wave black hair. He had facial hair as well. He kissed the woman passionately in front of everyone. I have this knowing they are both well known. People are still trying to hold her back from him to some degree but she refuses to be taken from him. They kiss very passionately. It feels almost like they are soap opera characters. It feels like they have been with other people but are finally coming together as a couple.

Art by Ognian Kouzmanov 

Dream Journal Entry: Acting, Taking a Closer Look

Art by Bape Ril

Dream Journal Entry:
January 24, 2019

I woke up with a horrible headache. After a few hours I had to lay down to try to sleep off the headache and try not to throw up.

What I remember of a dream during my nap was seeing me with my sister. I'm not sure where we were but I had been resting and I realized some eye piece, a loupe maybe, I used for one of my eyes to look closely at things I had fallen asleep wearing and it had popped out of my eye. My sister had borrowed it while I was sleeping.

There was something about a cut on one of my big toes. I want to say it was my left foot, but I can't remember clearly now. I pressed on the area to remove what I thought was puss that had formed and a small orange grub-like worm popped out when I applied pressure. I tried to grab it to get rid of it but was having trouble. I didn't want it to come back to me. I think I found what I thought was the worm, but on closer inspection, realized this one was yellow and not the same color.

Later i am looking for my eye piece again and ask my sister about it. She admits to borrowing it and points to the drawer it is in. Inside the drawer I find pieces to a hand held video camera. I try to put it together and brown liquid, maybe balsamic vinegar, is leaking out. My sister freaks out and takes it from me to try to dry it. I asked her if it was real. I had assumed it didn't work. She said it was real and that she hoped it wasn't damaged. She said she had borrowed it from the guy she was interested in. I am seeing him as African American mix with longer curly hair. He appears to be a waiter. I asked her if that was him and she nods. I have this sense that this guy is very spiritual and balanced.

The scene jumps a little and we are talking about where we are currently. Apparently there is acting going on everywhere. There was a central stage where a larger performance was being given and a tiny production off to what I perceived as my left. I was asking about that one and why they would bother with such a small audience. My sister was saying that was the neighbor's house and the the show was being performed for a charity type event for the police. It was for a good cause. I then saw the value in what the effort they were going through.

Turning Points and New Directions

First, I need to say...

Fuck you, Instagram, and all of your censorship. Fuck you for trying to say that beautifully and artistically photographed nudity is somehow obscene and/or pornography. Fuck you for saying that my DREAM was bullying because abortion was mentioned. I guess I will stop using your platform and keep my art and my words here on my blog.

This is the photo they deleted today and I was threatened over:

Willy Ronis (French, 1910-2009). Le Nu Provençal, 1949

This is a photo I have had on my phone for ages because it is so beautiful, but I know social media can't handle nipples because they are just so fucking scary:

Odalisque III, New York, 1943 by Horst P. Horst

Breastfeeding pictures will surely be taken down too because, omg, breastfeeding is so unnatural, right? Oh wait, that is what breasts were designed for.

"Mother and Child" by Anne Brigman, 1925

Now that I have that off my chest, breast, nipple....

Let's talk about when shit blows up in our faces. 

You are doing your thing. You know you aren't perfect but you think you are doing okay and shit goes horribly wrong. Maybe you failed a class, maybe you lose your job, and maybe what was supposed to be a box office smash became a box office flop. Any of these situations can be hard to take. Anytime we suffer a blow that knocks us down and makes us question what we are doing and why we are doing it can take a little more time to get back up off the floor and regain our vision in order to keep going.

It is okay to just lay there for a while and scream, "Fuuuuuck!!! That really hurt!" 

But while you lay there trying to get your breath back, consider a few things.

Why did this happen? What is the lesson in it? How did we contribute in manifesting it?

Maybe your project blew up in your face to point you in a new direction. Maybe your life is being dismantled piece by piece so that you can rebuild it. You can now go from being who the world told you to be to being who you always wanted to be but never had a chance to. Maybe it gives you the opportunity to become someone you never knew was hiding inside of you.

What about all the time and work you have invested in this direction you have been going?

One of the biggest lessons I have had to learn is letting go. There is so much letting go we have to do if we are going to embody the highest version of ourselves and head the direction we are being guided to by invisible hands from the other side.

I spent four motherfucking years on Deryck Whibley. I invested a lot of time in a direction that the only payment I got out of it was what I learned about myself. I admit there are some days I just feel bitter about the four years I put in there. He never grew...but I did and if I can remember that, it doesn't feel like four years wasted. When I can see the lessons, the tools and skills I gained during my time trying, I understand none of that time was a waste.

So while you are still on the floor licking your wounds, try to see and understand all you have gained in order to make letting go easier.

But now you are thinking, "Where do I go now? What am I supposed to be doing?"

The Universe will be like, "Yo, I'm glad you asked." 

If you pay attention to the signs, syncs and messages coming in, you will be able to follow those breadcrumbs. Sometimes it will seem more like weird rabbit holes, but keep following that bunny. We are all always being guided all the time. We simply don't always recognize the messages. Most people write them off as "coincidences" and those people will miss the guidance being given. 

In order to become the best version of ourselves we can be, we need to start doing more of what lights us up and sets our hearts on fire. 

Ask yourself, "What do I love doing? What excites me?"

I will tell you that at the beginning of this journey, I had no fucking clue what I loved doing. I had to embark on a journey of self discovery to figure out who the fuck I was and what it is I love doing. It is pretty obvious now what I love and who I am now, but the person I am today is a completely different person. The person I was died along the way. I had to let go of all I thought I was to become the person that was trying to be born within me. I have had some seriously difficult moments along the way that left me a crying mess and feeling like I wasn't sure I could go on....and yet somehow I did.

I still have moments of, "Where the fuck is this leading?!" I had one of those moments very recently. The truth is, I have no idea where it is all leading. I have some guesses and can speculate but I may not know for sure what it looks like until I get there. Letting go of expectations is hard... especially for someone with a lot of Virgo in their chart like me because they are control freaks...but I am getting better at it with practice.

Lastly, acceptance for what is is key to being like water and flowing. When we are in resistance, we try to hold on and keep going in the direction that is no longer working. Acceptance means we know the crash is going to happen. We see ourselves going into the turn, losing control of the motorcycle and instead of holding onto the bike, we simply let go and flow away from the bike that would have ended us had we held onto it. 

And if you are still on the floor after all of that, roll over, look at the stars and take my hand because I'm right beside you. I will tell you bad jokes until it doesn't hurt as much.

I love you.

Dreaming From Within Another and Interpretation

Bear and the Fair Maiden, 1899, by Franz Hein

This dream is much too long to post as a whole on Instagram and I kind of hate Facebook so am posting as its own blog post. The truth is, there is only one person I want to see this, but maybe someone else will benefit from reading how I interpret it.

The Dream 

January 10, 2019
Lots of dreams. There was a house I was staying in. It feels like we have just moved in. Things are still in boxes and there are lots of people inside. Sam Rockwell is here. He seems really unhappy. Weirdly, he is naked and he bends over and shows me his asshole.

The house has a lot of windows so everyone can see everything that is going on inside. One room in particular that looks like it used to be a porch is screened in with windows and sliding glass doors. The cracks in the flooring had been sealed up to keep in warmth during the winter.

People seemed to be coming in and out of this house. It was like it was being shown to people as part of a tour or something.

Artist Unknown

There was an odd scene about being intimate with my father but I don't remember a lot of specifics. There was actual intercourse/penetration.

Sam would come in and out of the bedroom but eventually came out and sat next to me. I took his hand in mine and started talking to him. I can't remember what about but his mood seemed to lift.

At one point I laid down in what I perceived as my room but I had this knowing I couldn't stay there long because I had agreed to do this job. It was a one time thing while I was visiting. Where I was at wasn't my actual permanent home. I was just there for a short time.

I looked out the window at the car I had borrowed to do the job and it was an old bright green car and the passenger side mirror was hanging down. I was amazed that they would rent out such crappy cars but at least it ran and I could do the job I needed to do with it.

I have these four lighter blue rubbery rectangular things I had to take to specific locations.  Apparently they were for the blind in case a blind person came to them and needed something. They had something written on them that only those who can read Braille would understand.

I started driving and I am having problems getting control over the car. I am stressing out because I can't remember how to get around in this town. I have 4 paper maps I am trying to follow, but I am having difficulty keeping the car in the lane I want while I am driving, I see some girl on a motorcycle get completely run over by a car. I don't think it is possible to save her. She seems to be still moving as I go by but I can't seem to stop even if I wanted to.

Further up the road, I stop to try to find where I am going and look at my maps. A whole bunch of road worker people, some on bicycles, gathered around me for some reason and I am asking for directions. The place I was looking for, I think, was a fire department. At this point, my brother, Thomas is now with me helping.

We deliver the first rubbery communication thing for the blind and now I am seeing myself as a young male with long dark hair. He is giving the tool to the place and someone is giving him some suggestions on how to do the presentation the next time. I see him go to the next place and it feels like a hospital, maybe. I think we are having to talk through glass so it distorted our voice a little as intercoms often do.

I see him getting very good at the presentation. The next stop was a hotel whose counters had these circular spots that felt like it had been worn away by repetition. Last was the college campus of the University of Missouri Columbia. I recognize it as my home town and I haven't been back for a long time. It looks the same but also different. There are lots of students I see everywhere. I see the old columns still standing....4 on one side of campus and 4 on the other. But they seem closer together now than I remember them being.
It is hazy and so you can't see as clearly across campus as you normally would.  Some random old guy walks up to me and slaps me with both hands and I have no idea why. He starts to come at me again and I hit him in the mouth. Not hard, but enough to get him to back away from me. A young female student approaches and she seems to recognize me. There are some little kids. She allows the girl to stay near her but sends the boy child away.

The female student approaches me and is smiling. She seems to know me. She had something she wants to tell us but pauses. "I'm not sure I should tell you. I'm annoyed with you." I asked her, "Did I say something I shouldn't have?" I couldn't remember anything. All I could think of was that maybe she told me something and I accidentally spoke about it to someone else. I didn't know. I started to wake up there.

As I was driving through town earlier, I remember seeing a small purple toy laying on the ground but I didn't pick it up because I considered that i already had one for Inara in a different color and all it did was repeat the same sentences over and over.

The Ice Maiden, 1915, by Edmund Dulac

The Interpretation

Sam Rockwell seems to highlight someone who is an actor. The asshole part was showing me how he showed me his asshole side. It was brief but present nonetheless. Being naked suggests a certain amount of vulnerability due to being exposed. It is all the layers peeled away and showing part of the real self.

Sex with my father, I think, is due to the person I feel I was dreaming inside of looking so similar to my own father when he was younger. It was highlighting making a deeper connection between us. In life, my relationship with my father was challenging. I had to make a choice and effort to have a relationship with my father so maybe there is a similar aspect in my relationship with this person. Maybe it is showing a choice to heal our differences and connect.

The home where everyone can see in is showing how people can see a lot of what is going on in his life because of fan photos being posted on social media and paparazzi. All the glass made me think of someone living in a fish bowl. The part with the most exposure used to be a porch which is something that stands out off from the house... meaning that this person stands out and there are parts that are really visible to everyone else. What I forgot to mention is that I made a mental note in the dream that this house was in a very busy part of town. A lot was going on all around.

Green is the color of the outer heart chakra which is all about love...but a more general love and not the deeper and more intimate variety of inner heart which is pink. The car was in pretty bad shape and my guess is this person has suffered some blows to his heart leaving it a bit tattered and torn...but it still works and can get the job done.

The light blue rubbery communication tool for the blind speaks to me of learning to have flexibility in communication, specifically with people who are blind to our truth and can't see. I affectionately call them muggles, but even the spiritually initiated don't always understand the message I am trying to relay.

The fire department puts out fires and the communication device would help when he is trying to put out the fires in his life. It will give him added skills and flexibility when communicating with people when putting out those fires.

Hospitals are about healing. They help heal others and ourselves when we need it. We can use communication to heal others and ourselves.

Hotels provide rest, retreat and sometimes entertainment. People don't usually stay long here. For the employees, it is about being of service to the guests. Communication, when you are stressed out trying to provide for all the needs of the guests, can be challenging and flexible communication in this area would be very important.

The college campus has a few meanings to me. A university is about education. Being able to communicate in order to educate is vital. Being flexible in communication so that as many people understand as possible is vital. You have to be able to present in different ways so that the most people will absorb what you are offering.

The girl I encountered is an aspect of the person I was dreaming from within. I recently got to know and love her. She is a college student and artist. She was smiling at me because she still has feelings for me just as I still have feelings for her even though we had a disagreement.

I'm still not entirely sure about the old man.

The haze shows how not everything feels clear. You just can't see as clearly as you would like to.

Artist Unknown

What surprised me the most is that this was my home town. I had always assumed Missouri dreams were about me because I am originally from there. But what this message seems to be speaking is "home is where the heart is". It seems to be saying, "his heart is your home". I have scoffed at people who refer to someone else as their "home". I have even written poems about it. Such is the way of a cynical and bitter person who has stopped believing they could ever feel that way with anyone.

The number 4 repeats and to me represents "hard work".

The two sets of four columns are likely the place where our hearts meet and connect. Four sets being me and four sets being him. They were closer together now than I remembered them being, which might show us how we are working through things and are closer now than we were before.

I guess I will have to admit to being wrong and say that dreams really do come true should he feel like home when we finally meet.

I will have to admit that "happily ever after" really does exist...and that isn't such a bad thing, is it?

An Open Letter

I dream from within you. I told you that before and yet I don't think you fully understand what that means.

It means I know.

I know because I see them there...the alter egos you slip on. I don't share those dreams publicly. I have held back.

I know when I talk to them because I can feel it. I feel it when I am drained of my energy after talking to you as them for a short time. I always feel the urge to make an excuse and stop talking...to run far and fast away. But I fight the urge and stay, opening my veins and allowing you to drain me.

The reason for this draining is not that you are consciously an energy vampire, but the holes caused by your story as them makes it impossible for there to be an equal energy exchange. I give and give and am nothing but honest and authentic with you. I don't get an equal amount of energy flowing back because it is lost in the holes, fictions and fabrications. And so the current between us is flawed, leaving me drained and wanting to flee.

The only thing I have been guilty of is playing along when I knew all along it was you. Granted, you were convincing in the role. You should get an Oscar for writing and performance, but sometimes there were inconsistencies that let your secret out and stood as little reminders that it was a charade you were playing at.

Haven't we danced and played long enough for you to trust me by now? Isn't it time we end the charade and stand naked before one another? No more lies. No more games. No more masks.

I could be angry but I am not. I am just extraordinarily tired. I only want to talk to you...the real you, not the false personas you created.

Here is some soap, my love. Let me help you wash so you can come clean at last.