There Can Be Only One, Releasing

Art by Johfra Bosschart

I've been doing a lot of intention spells lately as a means to release those energetic connections that do more harm than good.

This morning as I was coming out of a dream about Kole and his brother still having a bunch of shit in their room to clear and the landlord wanting them gone, I saw a scene where someone was trying to take off a wedding band but no matter what he did, he couldn't. As I came out I knew I had to perform another intention spell. This one was harder to do than the others because there was emotional attachment due to the guidance they have offered me.

Awhile ago I created a protection spell and included some of these people in there. I encircled all of our names in gold...a gold circle...a gold band...a gold contract.

It was clear to me I had to release entirely and completely the dead ones who have guided me and choose the living. They represent extremes. Extremely nice, extremely aggressive, extremely passive, extremely fucked up, extremely perfect.

Art by g_host_lee on Instagram

What I need and desire in my life is balance. I released the extremes and only want balance...the center...the core self ..the God self. I only want those who are for my highest good in my life be they living or dead.

There was danger of one the dead one's baggage consuming my life. He already fucked up his life with the choices he made and now it was taking over mine by me feeling driven to try to get justice for him. I no longer will allow myself to take on the responsibility of someone else's baggage that doesn't belong to me be they living or dead.

So, this morning I cut out the names from their protected position, I bound them with feathers, the element of air. I lit the feathers and names on fire and let go with love and gratitude for all the lessons they gave me.

I broke bottles with their names on them to break any contracts I may have had with them.

There can be only ONE at the center of balance.

I will no longer talk about them or post pictures of them because I want my life to be my own and my dreams to be my own. I don't want to have a Scooby Doo mystery adventure where I am trying to solve murders. I want my dreams back as my own about me and my current life and not some unfinished business of other people I never even knew. I am done with all of that.

And if you happen to be one of those who has a problem with me letting the dead ones go and you want to judge me about it, that is your fucking problem and not mine.

This is MY journey. You aren't required to understand it or what I choose for me.

Art by Tsuyoshi Nagano

While it is very tempting to simply remove some of the recent blog posts, I will let them stand as a testament to the directions we take and the choices we can make to simply change the path we are currently traveling.

The only constant in life is change.

I shed my layers and the layers of others to become balanced and whole as a sovereign being connected to all that is but ultimately choosing my own Godself guidance over that of all others.

And so it is.

The Layers of Healing Addiction

Art by Marianna Gartner

Dream Journal Excerpt: June 28, 2017 There was some discussion about morphine and how I had my own version in coffee. Like somehow the coffee reduced my pain and was my addiction.

After composing the previous blog post, I felt overwhelmed with the idea of trying to revise and update the 12 Steps to assist those of us with addictions of various kinds.

I kept thinking, "I know my guides want me to do this but how do I achieve what they are asking of me? I don't want to fuck it up."

I told myself that all I could do is write about my experience, my feelings and where I am currently.

I feel the burden of responsibility of having to come up with written out steps to help people overcome addiction, because I am still an addict myself. Sure, I have cut back on coffee but it is still my monkey on my back, my precious.

Addiction is multilayered like that tattered blanket from my dream. (See below). There are layers to what drives us there and layers to what keeps us there. Comfort is probably the number one gateway feeling that leads us down that path. Escapism is high on the list because we don't want to have to face the long buried trauma and/or the truth of the current state of our lives.

Dream Journal Excerpt: August 7, 2019 I dreamed that Thomas, the kid I helped raise, had my blanket. He had been carrying it with him and dragging it everywhere on the ground behind him. It was in bad shape now but I didn't care. I still wanted it back so I stopped him and asked for it back and he get gave it to me. It was like a big thick comforter and it was coming apart at the bottom where it was being dragged. There were layers to it and other blankets inside. 

The dream made me think of Charles Schultz's Linus character from the Peanuts comic series. How many of us are dragging around a comforter that has actually started to leave us tattered and falling apart?

When you mix addiction with those who have suicidal thoughts and tendencies, scare tactics of telling us our addictions will lead to death have the opposite effect.

They say, "Salt will kill you" and I start piling the salt on because I'm like, "Maybe this is a means of exit."

So, to tell someone who already wants out that it will kill them doesn't help. They just do it more. For me, death is just an end to the pointlessness of it all.

We have to help people find a reason to stay. If there is no reason to stay, why try?

Kids often aren't enough reason to stay when you are in the depths of deep depression. In depression you can believe they would be better off without you.

As a spiritual person, death doesn't scare me... it merely opens the door to home and my true self and that understanding makes it more difficult to want to stay. When you look around and go "This is all just a fucking virtual reality" and the reality you are sitting in is a pool full of shit, it is hard to want to suck it up and stay at all costs. It is a factor in why people aren't motivated to end their addiction.

My coffee is the only thing I look forward to each day.

So, to tell me to give that up, I am like, "Why?"

The million dollar question is, what can replace coffee as that thing I look forward to everyday to keep me in the game? What is something that is healthy and beneficial but won't take over and rule my life? What can give comfort but not end up a behavior I repeat over and over until it consumes my life?

I guess discovering what can replace coffee is part of the journey.

I haven't gotten there yet.

I have found in myself my reason for staying and trying, but that reason will look different to each of us. I think part of how we can find that reason is to take the journey back to self to finally take a magnifying glass and get to know who we are, who we have been and who we are meant to be. I had no fucking clue at the beginning of all of this who I was or what I liked doing. I was so lost and clueless. I just knew I didn't want to remain in that place and so I started searching for all of the parts of me I had forgotten and neglected.

It is my intention to be able to thoughtfully create a simple list of steps we can take to lead us off the cliff where the sand beneath our feet is crumbling away and everything feels uncertain. It is my intention to create an outline that will act as a lifeline to help bring us back to solid ground if we have come to a place where change is desired.

Sometimes the bravest thing we can ever do is admit openly to someone nearest to us that we need help.

To be continued....

Dream Journal Excerpt: October 8, 2016  There was something about my BFF and an addiction group and, as I walked through, I mentioned my addiction was coffee and they all laughed. 

Comfort and Healing Addictions

Art by Clifton Baker

I've been talking to a new Facebook friend recently. Michael and I, of course, ended up in a spiritual discussion. He suggested I research Bill Wilson. I did a quick Google search and saw that he is the guy who founded Alcoholics Anonymous and created the 12 Steps. 

I read the short version of the 12 Steps and stated I felt it should be revised and updated with information I have learned on my spiritual journey back to self. I thought maybe this is what my guides were asking of me.

As I was ruminating about it all, different syncs came in from women I respect and admire who have also been on journeys of self-discovery and growth. Amy posted specifically about addiction of all kinds being a form of escapism.

Brigit Anne McNeill posted a beautiful image and piece about self-discovery and self love. She talks about how worth it is to look at all the wounded parts of ourselves we avoid and give them love and understanding.

My daughter wanted to watch two shows on YouTube, one called  "Freaky Eaters" and the other is "My Strange Addiction". As I watched these various people who seem to be on public display as more of a freak show than anything, I clearly saw what they all seem to have in common.

Is it escapism? To some degree, but for the woman eating candy all day long and the twenty-year-old drinking 30 cans of cola a day, this was more of an issue of the repeated act bringing short term comfort and so they keep repeating the act over and over to reproduce that comfort sensation.

For the cola drinker, her family came to the United States when she was five and she had her first fast food and cola. That memory is her association and connection to a comforting and happy moment. Her comforter will likely bury her if she doesn't face what she isn't facing in her life.

Art by Mark Bryan

The woman eating sugar in different forms started eating a lot of sweet treats after she divorced and lost custody of her kids. She felt empty and lost.  A sweet treat lifted her temporarily, but she wanted that lift to stay and didn't want to face her grief, so she kept getting more and more comfort fixes to the point that real food with nutrition was left behind and all she consumes is sugary products.

Any number of activities, behaviors, things we consume can become destructive addiction in our lives. The food isn't inherently bad. For many people, a soda is a rare thing indulged in. Sweet treats are often reserved for special occasions and celebrations. It isn't consumed to a point of addiction and self destruction.

Addiction has been a huge theme in the clues and players I have been guided to, so when Michael started talking about the 12 Steps, I knew my guides were prodding me through him.

I even made a list of various people I had been guided to and their issues:

Kurt - drugs, smoker
Deryck - alcoholic (recovered), smoker (quit)
Laura - drugs of various kinds (recovered), smoker
River - drugs, smoker
Brandon - coffee, smoker
Keanu - work, work, work, smoker
Ava -  promiscuous, alcoholic, smoker
Jean - alcohol, prescription meds misuse, smoker
Me - coffee, smoker (quit)

Some of the other addictions I have encountered in others on this path have been sex, porn, drugs and more drugs, hoarding, food, gambling, etc.

I'm sure I could make an endless list but there was certainly a pattern of addiction for everyone I was guided to in one way or another and it all can be peeled back to that comfort feeling it gives us.

Smoke a cigarette to calm and relax after a stressful encounter.
Drink a cocktail to help you relax and give you the courage to engage with others.
Shoot up to let it all go and empty the mind.
Snort a line to help you force yourself to keep socializing even when you would rather go into seclusion but your job doesn't allow for that.
Pop a Valium to ease your anxiety.
Eat a sweet treat to lift your sadness.
Buy something from the internet or at the store because for a moment it feels like Christmas.

For a little while it feels good.
For a little while everything feels okay even if it isn't.

Comfort.
Comforters.
A warm blanket.

And then it fades.

Rinse and repeat.

And then you wake up one day to realize you have a real live monkey on your back...or maybe it is a gorilla. Maybe one day you realize you have become a slave to your addiction that seemed pretty benign at first.

"Feed me, Seymour!"

So you feed your little monkey monster over and over and over again and it gets bigger and hungrier until you either self destruct and die or your life as you know it completely falls apart to the lowest point and you are forced to rebuild.

You may laugh about coffee being listed as my addiction, but I had become a slave to coffee. I was drinking so much coffee that if I went without a timed fix, I would get a severe migraine...the kind that leaves you throwing up and unable to function. So any activities away from the house would lead me to wonder, "Are there any coffee places nearby so I can get my fix and not suffer?" I have given it up a number of times only to resume it later. It would start with treating myself when I was out with a latté and it would eventually lead to me just saying, "fuck it" and buying a bag of beans because it costs less.

I had a dream that showed me accidentally knocking over a coffee table that was precisely balanced. The side that didn't have legs had been propped up with a crutch that was cut down and I was struggling to get the table back up where it had been.

Why a table? Because tables are where we serve people. I serve people through sharing my journey openly and publicly.

Do you see what it was showing me? I am staying balanced by a partial crutch. It was a full crutch before and now it was only a partial crutch. All of which is true because I am trying to only drink coffee in the morning now. Maybe I will trade my now smaller monkey in for a cool breeze and lemon water eventually.

So now what?

How do we end our relationship with our monkeys for good?

One small step at a time, right?

But what steps do we take?

I think I will have to create a new blog post for my own ideas of the steps required to release our monkeys on our backs back into the wild where they belong.

For now I will leave you with this...

My new friend, Michael, said, "I think I'll stay with my higher power."

This was my response to him:

You ARE your own higher power. We all are.

God is within.

If you believe that you have all the power of your God within to heal your PTSD, why would you ever hand that power to someone else and say, "Here do it for me"? 

But you believe someone else holds your power and that, somehow, gives you comfort. When we take responsibility for our lives and everything we are creating in it, we no longer want to passively hand that power over our lives to someone else.

We no longer blame and say, "You did this to me." We say, "How did I manifest this situation and what am I supposed to learn from it?" 

Healer, heal thy self!

We are all healers capable of amazing healing on ourselves while simultaneously being inspiration to those who witness our transformation.

To be continued...

Dream: Video Footage of a Murder

Dream Journal Entry: August 14, 2019
I was seeing something about boarding an airplane. It is very high up and it is difficult to reach, but I have someplace I need to go so I have to board this plane. It is unusual. It has three parts to it like a train. For some reason I am thinking, "I hope I can get this off the ground." Somehow I am responsible for getting this plane in the air and headed where I need to go.

The scene jumps and now I am a nanny again and the mom is accusing me of being a thief....of taking something that is hers. I am wearing a forest green apron and it has a front pocket. I have put a bottle in the pocket with stuff inside. The bottle used to have oil in it and had been theirs, but it was mostly empty now and I had put something else in it I didn't want her to see. It feels like rolled up notes... something on paper. I am not a thief but trying to hide this bottle and whatever I put in it from her. I am trying to leave but show her as much as I can that I don't have anything without revealing the bottle. I needed to head out back to the plane and i am going up as I go out but I bumped something and needed to come back to put it back in place.

When I come back, there seems to be a new partner. The same woman doesn't seem to be there, but maybe it was only that she has a different face now. She seems to be performing the same role. Again, she doesn't trust me. She leaves the room and I am left alone with her partner who apparently I have had an affair with. I am mentioning how I had enjoyed that time with him. He lights up a little and smiles and moves towards me in an intimate way, but I know his partner will be back so I move to leave.

Now I am in a room and I am watching this place. Something very bad happened here and I have been watching them to get some sort of evidence on them to prove they did what I know they did. They are dangerous so I try not to be seen.

Now I am here with the police and I am trying to show them something. They are asking if I had been in here and I admitted I had to keep an eye on them. There was a tripod just outside the bedroom. We go inside the bedroom and at first glance, it seems empty and the dangerous men who I had been watching didn't appear to be here. I see another tripod with a large older camera and I am hearing, "This is where it happened." I see two yellow post-it notes stuck to the comforter at the top that say "out of order". I am noticing that where the notes are placed is shaped like a head of a person. They start to stir and I dash out. I don't want them to see I am here.

Now I am trying to process what I have seen and I am hearing that "they filmed the whole thing and Courtney has the video tape in a safe".

Conspiracy Theories and My Email to Tom Grant

August 5, 2019 I heard someone say "He isn't going to to help us" this morning. 

I didn't really understand what was said to me and mostly brushed it off. Later that day I would get the bright idea to ask Tom Grant to help me. I considered he may know some of the answers to my questions I had based on dream information I was getting about Kurt Cobain and what happened to him. 

Of course, I knew it was a long shot and when I didn't hear back from Tom, I knew what the in-between communication was meaning. Tom Grant wasn't going to help us. 

I feel the interpretation of the dream is important and worth sharing. When I first had the dream, I had no idea what it could possibly mean. Fast forward to developing my dream interpretation skills and I was absolutely stunned by the message I could now see. It was like learning secret code and I had to gather several pieces of the decoder for it to make sense.

Here is my email to Tom Grant:

Hi Tom 

I recently watched your movie and found it very interesting because so many pieces of information shared matched what I have been seeing in dreams. 

Let me introduce myself, my name is Oktobre. I grew up in Missouri. I liked Nirvana's music, but I was never a fan. When I heard about Kurt's "suicide", I felt nothing but judgment that perhaps he was really selfish to do that to his family.

I moved to Portland, Oregon in 1994 where I went to nanny school and then took a job in Michigan in 1995. I used to write in a journal regularly so was able to look back at some of my dreams and remember that some spirit was trying to come through to me in dreams. I shrugged it off and just lived my life. 

Ten years later, I eventually moved back to Portland, where I currently reside. In 2008 i gave birth to my daughter and decided to stop working and stay at home to raise my child. In 2010, I got a call from my former employer telling me that his ex-wife, the mom of the kids I helped raise, had killed herself. She was a vascular surgeon.

At that point I considered myself an atheist. Her death shook me but it wasn't until my furry best friend died in my arms in 2011 that I began to start seriously searching for what I believed and if there was anything after death. This is the point in which I started my spiritual journey.

It was embarking on a spiritual journey that helped me understand that I get the majority of my information through dreams. At the beginning of it all, there had been strong spirit activity around me. My daughter was quite young at the time and she would see and hear things that I couldn't. 

When I realized my dreams were my strong point, I started writing them down. I have been writing them for several years. A curious thing started to take place and I started dreaming about Kurt Cobain specifically. This happened during a time when I suddenly started having massive head pain and thought I must be dying. It was excruciating. It started at my left jaw, went up into the left side of my brain and the left eye. I have always gotten menstrual migraines, but this felt different. 

So when the dreams started about Kurt, I wondered if my pain matched the pattern the bullet took on entry, so I set off to read the autopsy report and was surprised it wasn't available. I was able to gather enough information to confirm that the damage to Kurt's head and face was located on the left side. 

You have to understand that up until this point I had always assumed it was a suicide....and then I started digging through old dreams and could easily see that Kurt had been permeating them all wearing different faces as a means to bring information forward. I still have yet to comb through it all. It is overwhelming how much I need to go through, but then it occurred to me, "What am I supposed to do with any of this?" I have so many questions based on what I have been shown and I considered that maybe you could confirm some of what I have seen. Maybe there are directions you have traveled in your investigation that you never revealed to the public and somehow we can help each other.

Part of me feels stupid reaching out to you. You are all about science and physical evidence and I am all about spirituality. But I think we both want the same thing....the truth to be revealed and those who are responsible to be held accountable. Maybe there is something in my dreams that can give you new solid evidence to prove what you have been saying all along. I really don't know.

My thoughts, beliefs and ideas are way out there and all of that can be easily seen on my blog and social media which is all pretty public. I have no interest in profiting. What I write and share is catharsis. It is me trying to work it all out while also trying to become the best version of me that I can. I have never been a big risk taker, so drugs have never held temptation for me. I tried smoking pot at age 20 and absolutely hated the experience and never tried it again.

Let me give you an example of one of my dreams and how I can read it now in a way I couldn't when I first had it. I often dream through the eyes of other people. I will share some of what I see after the dream.

Dream Journal Entry: August 14, 2015 I dreamed people were trying to kill me. Three different times attempts were made to kill me. I can't remember specifically now what was involved in the attempts but I remember thinking that I needed to buy a gun because I wasn't going to just sit back and let them take me easily. It wasn't just me they were trying to kill. There was at least one other person (female) with me. Then at one point I was making out with one of the people who tried to kill me. Inara went down into a big hole in the ground with rocks because she thought it would be fun and I was furious with her for not listening and going anyway. She had trouble getting out and I said we would likely have to call the police. But she jumped and managed to grab hold of a ledge and pulled herself up. There was a bit where we had to try to learn this line in korean. I don't even know what it meant but we had to learn this line in case we needed it. I was thinking that at least the french line I had to have before only had to be written. I didn't have to memorize it. I didn't think I would be able to remember and was hoping that one of the other two would remember the line in case it was needed. We come to this place and go inside. There are gorilla like animals everywhere. There are some up high on what seems almost like a stage but is too high for a stage. There was one that could speak and that is the one I guess we came for. It seemed that most of the others were sleeping. There was one that was giant and I think they called this the neverbeast (from Inara's movie) and it was white and had his back toward us while he slept. I was given a giant bag of peanuts and I wasn't sure what to do with them. I was thinking they were for the animals but I didn't want to throw them up and wake up the others so I waited. At first I was standing by the wall and stepped in what I guessed was gorilla poop and tried to rub it off my shoe but it was kind of sticky. The floor seemed covered in a combination of saw dust and peanut shells. I went to the picnic table with the others and sat nibbling on the peanuts. At some point the talking gorilla went into an opening and disappeared. Then an actual stage appeared below where the gorillas were and these people dressed as gorillas and playing instruments came out and started performing. One appeared to be on stilts because he was unnaturally tall and he walked out into the audience and then went back to the stage. Their faces were not covered so it was really obvious they were just dressed as gorillas. I don't remember much else from that scene.

At some point I was with my BFF Shannon and she starts cutting my hair. Apparently she is trained to cut hair and I never knew. She seemed to know what she was doing so I thought I would let her do what she felt best for my hair. Her bangs were blue and green colored. She tried to curl my bangs and couldn't get them to do what she wanted so I asked her to let me try. I thought maybe she was trying to curl them the wrong direction. The barrel of the curling iron was gold. I tried once and I couldn't quite get a good curl either so I tried again and when I did, the barrel was so hot that my forefinger on my right hand became stuck on the barrel as it burned. And then my thumb touched the barrel and got stuck too. When I finally was able to free myself, my fore finger was blistered but I didn't notice any pain and thought that was fortunate. I think we left off trying to curl my hair.

I remember hearing music. It was supposed to be Aleka's Attic (River's band) songs from the never released Never Odd or Even album. Some of the online versions are very poor for the songs and what I was hearing was clear and full sounding. It was really lovely and I remember being amazed and then I started to rouse.

I also was seeing Ariana, Deryck's fiance, and heard this sentence "Deryck is the name of my estate sale." I have no idea if it actually means anything.

Comments and observations:

Dreams are highly symbolic and sometimes I have to flip them to understand. Gorillas are a very large form of monkey. When I see monkeys, I think "monkey on their back". Addictions are often seen as a monkey on someone's back. A very large addiction could be seen as a gorilla. Them being placed up high and sleeping speaks to me of them being "high and sleeping". But the white one goes down to the stage and performs in a band. Being elevated speaks of his importance. "A head above the rest" comes to mind. The ones who aren't really gorillas but pretending could be seen as bandmates who didn't partake in those kinds of activities but people think they do. 

The attempts on his/my life could mean Kurt was aware someone was trying to kill him. Rome was no accident and he knew it. Kissing someone who had tried to kill him was him pretending with Courtney that everything was okay. He bought the gun for his protection. The mention of my daughter falling into a "hole" feels like a reference to her band, Hole. Or maybe it was somehow related to his own daughter that I don't yet understand.

I have no way of knowing if Kurt's hand was burned when they fired the gun, but the curling iron seems to be a way for the word "barrel" to come out. Someone had to have held his hand on the barrel and when it was fired, it locked in place. He couldn't feel the pain because he was either dead or too high. I'm not sure which. While I know it was his left hand holding the barrel after I researched, right in symbolism represents the masculine so it tells me the injuries are actually related to a man. The color gold represents the sun which tells me this took place in the daytime. My best friend being present tells me that someone Kurt trusted took part in his murder.

Deryck is a small blonde rock star and Ari is now his wife. A reference to an estate sale is usually related to someone who has died. So in that segment I was seeing as the wife of a dead rock star. Do you see how it all fits together? 

The River Phoenix reference seems to be about his home recordings that would later be released. There seems to be parallels to Kurt and River's cases.The biggest difference is that the public don't think River killed himself and are then using it as a compass and reason for ending their own lives.

In your movie, by the time of release, there had been 68 copycat suicides. I was born in 1968.

I have had so many people named Tom show up in my dreams. I even had one where I joined the police force. 

The above is just one dream of SO many. I just re-read one that talked about a death plot and the nanny trying to kill the rock star father. I was a former nanny in that dream.

I will understand if this is just too "out there" for you, but I think Kurt wants kids to stop killing themselves in his name just like you do. He didn't kill himself. He was murdered.

Sincerely,

Oktobre Taylor

https://oktobre17.blogspot.com/2019/07/dream-ender-cat-beatles-prince-charming.html

Conspiracy Theory

Based on dreams I have had, I will go a step further and say that Courtney had cheated on Kurt throughout their entire relationship. I think when she got pregnant, she didn't actually know whose it was but chose to tell Kurt the baby was his because she felt he would do anything for her. He loved her, but had he known there was a possibility the baby wasn't his, I don't think he would have been so quick to make a legal commitment to her.

My dreams seem to indicate that Kurt is not Frances Bean's biological father. If you look at photos of Frances Bean pre plastic surgery, it is much more obvious there is no resemblance whatsoever to Kurt. She resembles her mother and Billy Corgan. Billy Corgan has a very rounded head and pre surgery, this was much more noticeable. Post Surgery, Frances does not look like the same person at all.

Why would Courtney encourage her daughter to go through a surgical transformation? Because she too could see how obvious it was that Frances looked nothing like Kurt. Courtney didn't want people to start asking questions.

Obviously this is all just conjecture based on what I have seen in dreams. I could be completely wrong but I could be completely right too.

What if Kurt found out that Frances wasn't his? What if that is why there was such a mad dash to change his will near the end but he never got a chance to?

Things that make you go hmmmm.... 

Nightmares About Sex Trafficking and the Symbolism

Art by Gustave Doré

Last night I dreamed about being a child who was sex trafficked. I couldn't even tell you how old I was, just that I was taken and being held captive. There were both male and female adults involved. I tried to be helpful so they wouldn't hurt or kill me. I was compliant with their requests even though I didn't want to. At one point, one of the workers came in to "prep" me. He was going to have sex with me. He was smaller sized penis-wise in order to just de-flower me a little. He was preparing me for the next guy to make it easier for him to fuck me. I was laying face down and I allowed him to fuck me from behind because I didn't want him to hurt me more or kill me.

Drawn by Jean Frédéric Maximilien de Waldeck

I wanted to leave before the next guy, the BIG guy, came in to fuck me. Maybe he was the head of the operation. It seems that he is calling the shots so he gets special privileges. Fucking virgins seems to be a taste he has developed and he sees it as his right. After all, he owns us so he can do what he wants before we are sold to be fucked by other random people.

Drawn by Jean Frédéric Maximilien de Waldeck

There was a scene where I had let some animals out of their cage and now I was afraid of getting in trouble. I wasn't sure how I was going to get them back in. I said something like, "I wish I could find a way out of here." This tiny man appears. He works for them too but they had him locked away as punishment for something. He says, "It is a good thing you made that wish because it set me free and now I can show you how to get out of here." I woke there.

When I woke, I spoke to my friend, Lindsay about the nightmare I just had. This is part of that conversation:

I don't know what to do with any of this but it is a Scooby mystery unfolding.
I had horrible dreams.
I was a sex trafficked kid that was being held to be sold.

What symbolically could it mean for the collective?

That we are fucking our inner children...as in fucking them out of joy, living, existence? That we are holding them prisoners and selling them off to the highest bidder?
I guess some of it is about honoring and protecting the inner children.... nurturing them.

We are seeing an outward expression of what is going on internally.

It just sucks seeing it in my dreams... experiencing it.
I guess I am supposed to write about it.

I have already started writing the blog post and I understand now.
We fuck our inner children in a lot of ways but one of the biggest ways is through work we choose.

I am typing out some of the dream for the blog and I can clearly see it now.
So because of us doing shit we hate for a paycheck, we are fucking our inner children.
And it is manifesting into the external as sex trafficking.

You want to stop sex trafficking? Go do something you love that lights you and your inner children up.

So I have to write about it.
And eventually the right breeze will pick up my seeds and carry them for people to read.
I'm so tired of waiting though.
Thing is, I AM doing what I love and not getting paid for it. If They hope for me to be an example, it would be helpful for people see, through me, that dreams do come true if you follow your heart and higher mind.

Right now I am simply an example of struggle they don't want to endure. lol

Oh...I just figured out who the little man represents.
It is the inner voice locked within. We have to ask that inner voice for assistance to help us know where to go next and how to do that.

And we fuck ourselves by being compliant and staying with something we don't want.
Something that doesn't feel right and good.

I think Keanu must be doing that somehow.
He is so bendy and compliant, all of what he wants gets ignored and mowed over.

Omg...that is important...what I just said!

Remember the hill with pansies growing dream? I thought it was nice that they hadn't mowed them over and let them grow! I know what the mowing references in dream is about now! Holy shit! That was an aha moment right there!!

He is finding his voice and setting boundaries.

Greek Girls on the Shore by Joaquín Sorolla

Here is the pansy dream I mentioned in the conversation:

Dream Journal Entry: March 11, 2019  The scene changes and I am at a house of a family. It feels like I am maybe working for them. There is a big brown dog who greets me. His hair is longer and he seems a bit older. He was friendly and rolled over letting me pet him. I asked the mom if it was okay if I let him out the back because I wasn't sure if he could handle all the stairs being he was older. She said he would be fine. Apparently he was a rescue and they hadn't had him for long. The family had 3 or 4 kids. I can't remember how many. I seem to recall K showing up and I hugged him and laid my head against his chest and thanked him for allowing me lean on him when I needed to.

We were all going to go somewhere. I stood outside and admired a hill across the street that had pansies growing all over. The mom said they have chosen not to cut them down and just let them grow. I said that I thought that was wonderful because they were so pretty. The wind was blowing and I considered even more would spread as a result of the seeds being carried by the wind. We all piled in this really long vehicle. I was in the far back. I think there was at least four sections of seating. I think even the dog came with us.

Then the dream jumps and there is something about this guy and charges against him needing to be sorted. I think of the name Matthew McConaughey relating to him for some reason. He is trying to get released and the charges dropped and they are saying he needs the signature of an official law person. There were seals on his papers and he points at the seals and says, "See, those ARE signatures on the seals of the 6th president." The people in the court inspected them and released him and dropped the charges.

I was asking if he had actually done what he had been accused of. He grins a sly sideways grin and simply said, "I was a different person then. I'm not like that now." So he basically admitted he had actually been guilty but was a better person now.  I think it is decided he will marry and be with this woman from the family I met.  I dropped some pink slips of papers and was picking them up off the floor. The guy bends down to help me and is telling me about him being with this woman. I was a little surprised because he had only just met her and I had been hoping he and I might be together and I told him, "you know I like you too and had thought maybe we could be together but I really just want you to be happy." He said he likes me too and would keep my number. I considered in those moments I was going to be with K anyway so it was good he had someone now. I think I woke about there.

You Attract What You Are...Correction

"You attract what you are."

I said this in a previous blog post and it has been bothering me. Something is off with this idea. I mean, it is true to a certain degree, but not entirely.

You see, I don't think any of us started out as anything other than purity when we entered the game and started running on the reincarnation hamster wheel. Some people are biologically wired to be fucked up and those people aren't "bad" because they chose a role that kind of sucks to either help those around them get lessons or to balance out karma. And when I say "karma", I really think it is more about playing a role that is "walking a mile in their shoes" to teach empathy. The best way to learn empathy is to experience what the other person has experienced.

I think at our core, all of us are PURE LOVE, it is just, a lot of us have forgotten who we really are. Even if our entire internal population die off and there's nothing but ghosts and zombies, that love core can never die....ever. It may be buried under layers of ice and be locked away in the most secure fortress, but it DOES exist and as long as it exists it is always possible to eventually journey to the center of self and free the pureness that exists inside each of us.

With that in mind, I now think it is more appropriate to say that we attract what we believe we are. We attract what we think and say to ourselves. If we don't value ourselves, we will attract people who don't value us to perpetuate our negative self talk.

There is another layer we can add to this as well. I think we sometimes attract who we need, those who can help us expand and grow, those who happily offer what we never got in childhood but needed. There are all of these "random" encounters in our lives that wind up being more like an intricate dance where both parties are offered opportunities to grow when they engage with each other...even briefly.

What if, instead of Courtney Love, Kurt Cobain met someone who was well balanced and self aware? What if that person was able to offer him the comfort and nurturing he so desperately needed? What if?

I definitely know I was far from well balanced and self aware back when he and I were both in our twenties. I was socially awkward. I didn't talk much because I felt too stupid in the social setting. I just observed, mostly. I watched other people have fun and wondered why it felt impossible for me to feel happy. I had so much self loathing, it is truly amazing I had any friends at all. From what I have read, Kurt was rather similar, so had we met, it would be the pot meeting kettle.

The big difference between me and Kurt is the choices we made in our form of escapism. He chose drugs, I wrote and went inside my head where I would live out the life I wished I had. Coffee and cigarettes were my addictions back then. I haven't smoked for a long time and I have tried to break up with coffee from time to time, but it seems like a lover I'm not going to give up in this life.

Since I have started this journey, pretty much all of my old friends fell away...some more dramatically than others. I developed new friends as I grew and those friends fell away when I grew even more and needed new lessons. I don't take it personally anymore when people come and go. I have learned to let go with love.

Maybe you, reader, are someone I am attracting into my life. Maybe you are attracting me if you stumbled upon my blog and feel compelled to ask a question. If you reach out to me virtually or as you pass me on the street, I understand now you have something to teach me about myself and vice versa if you are in a place to see the lesson and gift the encounter can be.

Imprinting, Logging in Under Someone Else's Identity

Art by Brian Methe

It is difficult for me to decide where to put my comments. I decided prefacing the dreams is probably best and then let you read through. These are just a few of the dreams that tell a tale. The tale I feel they are showing me is I am sometimes "logged in" as Courtney Love and seeing through her eyes. At other times I believe I see through Kurt Cobain's eyes. Basically, like in some video games, you can toggle between different players, I can toggle to the perspective of different players in dreams. I don't know why this happens, but it does. Now that I recognize it, I see and understand with new eyes so many things I didn't before.

I think one of the things my dreams are showing me are clues and facts about what happened to Kurt Cobain. I'm still not entirely sure what to do with it all, but I trust the right person will come along that will know what to do with it.

I believe fully that when Kurt met Courtney, he imprinted on her and was then convinced he was like her. He was a black swan and she was a vulture. He followed her lead and she led him to hell. She plucked his feathers, cooked him, then ate him for dinner. I'm guessing he was no angel, but I don't think he would have gone down the path he did had it not been for him believing he was like her.

How does that happen? Lack of self love and self esteem could create the perfect setting for him to be attracted to someone who would lead to his ultimate demise. Instead of facing himself and his internal baggage and growing, he fell into bed with his demons and escapism.

He was 27 when he died.... practically a puppy in my book. When I was 27, I was still so fucking clueless about who I was or wanted to be. By all accounts, he was taking steps to break free and head in a new direction. He had no plans to kill himself, regardless of the lies that was put out in the media. He was making plans to start a new life without Courtney, but she wasn't going to let that happen.

It is my hope that maybe something revealed in my dreams can bring new evidence to surface so that the guilty parties can be held accountable for participating in Kurt's murder and cover-up.

Dream Journal Entry: June 19, 2018  Yesterday I dreamed about accidentally spilling tea on Jill's fresh new sheets. At first it seemed like water and when I looked again, it was a tea stain on the left head of the sheets. It almost looked like blood spatter but I had this knowing it was tea. I moved to get a new set of sheets, but these too had a stain on them. At a certain point I became upset, started crying and said, "I don't know how to fix this." It made me think of the movie 'I Love You to Death' where the wife tried to kill her husband.

Dream Journal Entry: November 5, 2018 I had dreams about Keanu where we were intimate a little. We mostly seemed to chat and I was surprised when he reached out and touched me. I can't remember much. There was also something about maybe Kole saying that he couldn't see that I had created much of anything. I see him looking at a mask I had created and told him that just because what I have made isn't on display doesn't mean I haven't created a lot. I am thinking about an emerald green dress I sewed and other items of clothes I sewed over time.

I have been unwell all day...severe head pain, throwing up. All I could do to cope was try to sleep. Naturally I dreamed a lot but all I can remember is fragments.

The first fragment is seeing something about shotguns and not wanting them anywhere near me, but then someone has left a shotgun outside my door. I am freaking out. I don't want to see this. I move away from the door. When I look again, I now see a smaller short double barrel shotgun with a rounded handle. The barrel of that one was pointing down while the long shotgun was pointing up and this position was upsetting to me.

Later I am going down a ramp on Hwy 217 in Beaverton. I am noticing a police officer ahead and everyone is slowing down because of it. Then I see to the right people had placed a silver canoe on the side of the cliff up high as if in storage. But then I saw seating, white porch swing-like, that has been placed up high as if in anticipation for an event to watch. I was trying to process what this event could be and I am seeing a team of six all dressed in white carrying the canoe together down the road. The thought came to me that maybe it was like the dragon boat races. I wondered how they would divert traffic.

Later I see a little boy in an elephant costume. He is a little chubby and I recognize him as one of Inara's friends. I call him "Bruno". I remember being in a Safeway with my Mom. I have a sense that it is an original store and has been here for a very long time which is why the floor set up is odd. Mom wants pepperoni so I said I would go back the way we came to the meat department and go get some and would be right back. I picked up a package of meat and turned it over and saw a snail inside the package. I dropped it thinking, "I definitely don't want that."

The scene jumps.

I'm in a large house. It feels like we just moved in but won't be staying long. There is also a game show being recorded here. Some woman spins a wheel and wins a coveted big prize that almost no one ever wins. I am sleeping in the middle of the floor in a large room. I had no covers or anything. I went outside and notice a bottle of pale green nail polish on the ground with the lid off. I considered that Inara and her friends threw it out from the second story window to see what would happen. It was in tact. I remember thinking that it had always been a crappy polish. I picked it up to throw it away in the proper place.

Dream Journal Entry November 6, 2018 As I was waking and laying in my in-between state, they told me that the reason there were two shot guns in my dream is because it was a message of a "shotgun wedding". Such a bad pun and yet hilarious. Kurt Cobain and Brandon Lee were both shot.

Art by Otto Schmidt

Dream Journal Entry: July 26, 2019  God, I wish I could remember all the details of this dream! I remember I was brought to a house. Apparently my midwife, Joey, knows Kurt Cobain and she is going to bring us together. She is bringing him there to meet me. She tells me that he likes to cook and is going to cook for me. When he came in I was in awe that he was really there. I can't remember the dialogue that took place at all. He seemed to like me too and we were getting to know each other.

Dream Journal Entry: July 27, 2019  I think exiting this virtual reality will soon not be so difficult as it is now. That was in a dream last night.

The first dreams were about Brandon and how he was with me...like internally and only I can hear him because of it. Everyone wanted it but only I had him inside.

Later the dreams were about having to have some complicated sequence and code in order to leave the game but that was changing and we would be able to come and go with ease.

Art by Stephanie Houser

Dream Journal Entry: July 29, 2019 The only bit I remember from my dream was seeing something about posting using someone else's username. It was my cousin's username. Her name happens to be Courtney. I remember making the connection that this was showing me that I was clearing karma on her behalf but I am not her. Later I saw a single golden apple.

Dream Journal Entry: August 2, 2019  Just before I woke I was with my friend, Laura G. and she was walking straight down the hallway but I kept switching from side to side. I couldn't seem to figure out which side of her I wanted to be on but the whole way she just kept walking straight forward.

I heard myself saying, "I am here to get you home."

There was a scene where there were these big tanks with water in them. It seems they were growing something in them. It looks kind of white and floats to the top. It makes me think of tofu. For some reason me and some of my friends decide to mess around in the tanks. I feel like I am in my 20s and Shannon (ex-BFF) is there with me. People are coming, we are getting caught and in trouble. Shannon has a chair she is putting in the water but it goes wrong and she sinks quickly and hits her head hard on the bottom. I freak out, jump in and try to lift her out. I am asking if she is okay and she is saying of course she isn't okay. She is indicating pain at her neck and I am worried about a spinal injury. We are told to get out of the tanks. They asked us which ones we had been in and lied about it, saying only the one.

I remember thinking of the rhyme:

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water
Jack fell down
And broke his crown
And Jill came tumbling after

I wrote of a variation of that awhile ago:

Jack and Belle
Went to Hell
To fetch a pail of fire
Jack came back
A demon in black
And Jill a full vampire

Later I hear something about doing a regression in the tanks when I was trying to hold onto the dream.

There was something about ordering food at a fast food place but I can no longer remember the details.

Art by Stephanie Houser

Dream Journal Entry: August 4, 2019 I dreamed something about  Kerry and Jill. Kerry seems to have just come back from Chicago. I assume it was some doctor related convention but was surprised when there were all these music related newspapers among the stuff I picked up to clear. Jill seemed to be questioning whether or not there was any other women he had connected with while he was away. Before they had arrived there was something about Meghan. She was a little girl in the dream and she had taken a bath and said she had drawn water for my bath but what she had actually done was simply put more water in the tub after her own bath. I told her that typically we wouldn't do that. She was splashing water over the edge and I asked her to stop. There was some weirdness about cooking bacon on top of the water. It had to be on the top to cook. If it went under, it wouldn't cook. I felt like the bacon hadn't cooked enough but there wasn't time to worry about it. It was time for me to go and I handed her the bacon before I went home.

As I was starting to rouse briefly, I heard, "He imprinted on her."

There was another dream that is vague in my recollection of. I only remember encountering some sketchy guy I thought might try to rape me. I think he was mixed...like half white and half black. There were these black and white larger creatures we saw and after that was two skunks. One was bigger than the other but I wasn't sure if it was parent and baby or not. There was a lot more to the dream but I can't remember most of it now.

Correcting Spiritual Errors to Achieve Unity

Persephone and Hades by Abigail Larson

There are spiritual beliefs and practices that are holding all of us back from being able to move on to the next level and achieving the shift to unity most of us so desire. There are all of these old ideas we keep passing on that are basically flawed and keeping us in separation, both internally and externally.

I have talked before about yin and yang being flawed in its concept on Instagram, but it wasn't until today while I was talking to my mom that I suddenly realized that the idea of yin and yang itself is actually keeping us in separation. If you believe your parts are separated in such a way, they WILL be because thoughts create. What we believe creates the reality we collectively experience.

I had a dream last night that gave me pause and made me want to try to create an illustration of what I saw and feel it was showing me:

August 1, 2019 I dreamed of having to get out of the semi truck we were in and having to climb up a very steep roadway. The truck kept going without a driver but me and my partner were climbing. I wasn't sure if I was going to make it but I did. Apparently the truck had gone on ahead and we would have to catch up to it and get back in later. 

There was a bit about a lion. There were all of these animals being cared for but this lion started climbing up to the high point where I was. It felt like there was a danger of him killing me but he fell to the ground and was no longer a problem. It was thought he was dead at first, but then it he started moving a little in the back of a truck where his body had been placed. I don't remember much else about that.

I remember being in a place that felt more like a labyrinth of sorts. It was gray inside and the halls took curved turns rather than right angles. There were various different rooms. I was in a bed at one point and this guy I perceive as a new relationship wants to be physically intimate. I heard, "Allow the darkness to get to know you." But this didn't come from him, just something I was being guided to do. So I slowly started to take off my underwear. I woke before there was actual penetration.

Persephone and Hades by Abigail Larson

 Why gray? At first I considered I was dreaming from inside the brain but this didn't make sense to me. So I started scribbling out the chakras again with the seating arrangement for the chakras to show the royal couples alternating where they sit at each chakra only I used triangles this time. When I got to the heart, I paused because I wasn't sure, at first, how to proceed. As above, so below. Two triangles meet in the middle.

As I was coloring it in, I suddenly had this idea to color the center gray to illustrate light and dark mixing to become a single thing. The heart is the center point in which "above" and "below" meet and marry. It is the point in which light and dark meet and make LOVE. It is where UNITY happens.

Zero point is where it all comes together and our God Self  resides. Zero point is Unity and Love. 

"Find your center," they say.

I don't know about you, but I know at my center I am not one thing or another. I am all things simultaneously. 

I am not in separation. I am a perfectly blended being in BALANCE and HARMONY.

I am LOVE. 

What old beliefs have you adopted that are holding you back from being a blended being?

What old concepts are keeping you from the Ascension you so dearly desire?

We have to leave the confines of using old methods if we want to open new doors. Just because someone told us to believe a certain way doesn't mean we can't break free and come up with new ideas and concepts that will help propel us forward into a new way of being and a shifted reality.