Reconnecting With An Old Flame

Art by Irina Vitalievna Karkabi

It is 4:00 am. I woke up to pee and debated whether or not to stay up and get in some PC time while I could. During normal hours it always seems to be occupied by someone else. I am still tired but I long to get out all that has been bouncing around inside my head and typing on my phone just isn't going to cut it. So I have opted to stay awake and steal this quiet time and use a keyboard that isn't meant for fairy fingers. The sound of the rain coming down outside makes me feel grateful that it wasn't raining like this earlier when I went on my nightly powerwalk.

Love....first loves....they are precious and sacred in ways. You probably read the title and saw the illustration and thought I would be talking about a dude. lol My first love was no dude. It was something so much better. My first love was music. It was a pure and simple love and started when I was very young.

I have been ruminating things since my last blog post and memories have come back that I have long since pushed away. I had a couple dreams in which a pink baby grand piano showed up in pink rooms. In the first dream it was a business that was getting ready to open and everything they sold there was pink. The pink baby grand piano was the only item in the store at the time. In the second dream it was a house I had newly rented and I came upon this small child sized door. When I opened the door, inside was this magnificent child's bedroom with multiple beds, a play area with dress-up things and a child sized pink baby grand piano.

Pink is the inner heart chakra color and a bedroom I take to be a the most personal aspect of you.
This is what dreammoods.com says about bedrooms:

Bedroom

To dream that you are in the bedroom signifies aspects of yourself that you keep private and hidden. It is also indicative of your sexual nature and intimate relations.    

To dream of your childhood bedroom indicates that a current situation or feeling has triggered a memory from your childhood that you have kept secret. Alternatively, the dream may be symbolic of a sexual awakening.

Since it isn't about a sexual awakening.....hahahahahahaha....

It is funny, but when I had these two dreams, I totally didn't get what my subconscious was trying to show me. I didn't get their meaning...until yesterday when it clicked and I was like "Ooooooh!" It was about me. It was about my love of music. And showing a child's room reminded me that my deep love for music went far back into childhood.

I remember well being in love with music, especially music that was performed live and I was in awe of people who could play instruments. I would make up my own words to the instrumental songs on the radio. I longed for a guitar and was given a crappy toy one for Christmas one year. I was a little disappointed it wasn't a real one because the sound sucked on the cheap plastic one I was given. When I went to grandma's house, she had an old out-of-tune piano and I would sit there for ages playing around with creating my own little songs. I used to walk around by myself and make up little songs about how I was feeling and pretend my life was a musical. When we went to Colorado to go camping in the mountains, I would climb the rocks and pretend it was my stage and sing songs like "Delta Dawn" and "Sing" by the Carpenters. I remember well dancing around on my bed using my sister's Tickle underarm deodorant bottle as a microphone singing The BeeGees, Andy Gibb, and Captain and Tennille. lol

There was a lot of time we didn't have a TV. My dad shot two TVs at different times. Yes, shot with a gun. But I do remember watching the Lawrence Welk Show, Sonny and Cher, Hee Haw and other music variety shows.

I played flute for a little while. My dad volunteered me to perform in front of the church. That was my first experience with stage fright. I tried but I was nervous and I messed up. Messing up flustered me and I started again but the tears had started welling up in my eyes and I couldn't see the notes on the paper anymore. I was mortified. I gave up the flute that year....the year my mom left my dad for the first time.

When life was complete chaos and turmoil at home, I begged to be sent away to performing arts school. The TV show Fame was popular back then. I even found a school in Minneapolis that was a boarding school for performing arts. I probably would have done very well had that happened, but my dream was never supported by my parents nor was my love ever really fostered and encouraged. "Be realistic." Get your head out of the clouds." "You need a real career." 

On "career day" I went to a radio station because there wasn't a rock star close by who the school would let me hang out with and shadow. lol On another occasion I went to a tiny local recording studio to interview people there for my journalism class. High school guidance counselors tried to get me to be "realistic" and see that I needed to choose a practical career. It was in my choir class when I tried out for a solo that I was faced with stage fright again. I got nervous and my voice cracked. Tears started welling up. My face became red and hot with embarrassment.  I was mortified.

I sang perfectly in the privacy of my bedroom, in my car or in the bathroom taking a shower. It was doing it in front of people that paralyzed me. The fear was big and yet, I still moved forward saying that music is all I cared about in life. In my 20s I went out of my way to befriend band people just to be around the music. A friend was setting the equipment up once and asked me to say "test" into the microphone on the stage. No big deal right? lol My lips involuntarily quivered so badly I could barely get the word "test" out. hahahaha Stage fright is a bitch.

I have taken a long hard look into where my fear likely stems from. Part of it is because it is something I care so much about that it really rattles me to do it in front of people. I think the other part stems from being a middle child and often being overlooked and forgotten. I got used to being invisible so that when the spot light was turned on me, I choked and felt uncomfortable. I wasn't always the outspoken bitch I am today. It took me a long time to be able to find my voice to openly and honestly speak about what I really felt inside.

I have had various readings over the past couple years. Over and over again I was being told to sing. I had a Reiki session and my practitioner told me he was getting a message to tell me to sing to help keep my throat chakra open. He said he had never gotten that message before so it was interesting to him. Just prior to that Brandon Lee's name kept coming to the tip of my tongue and I asked a friend why. She said he said he had stopped by to remind me to sing. So my Reiki guy telling me this was a sync and in line with a message I had just gotten. Psychic Pamela Cummins heard the song "Sing" by the Carpenters. She said she heard the line "just sing, sing a song". 

This is a part of Melissa Hevenor's reading:

It is not uncommon for reincarnates that lived during Atlantis such as yourself,to sing or have musical talent. Please, honey, try to work on eliminating your fear for singing in public, because it is part of your spiritual path to share your gifts as it is through the vibrations that generate from your voice, that the world can receive healing. Try to begin making videos on YouTube, where you can sing on your own, but still share it with others. 

3) I'm sorry to bring this up again, but it's very important. You have to sing. Also, I see you writing something that's very important. Not exactly about your life, but stories that are related to some of your own experiences that are also a part of helping others to heal. You have so much creative energy as well as intuition and healing. It is important that you share yourself, energetically, through creative projects related to the music and writing. And, I definitely see you getting several tattoos in the future. One is related to your guide and another that has musical notes involved:) I look forward to watching your YouTube videos!:)

My friend and psychic, Jan, also saw music for me. She saw me on stage. She saw me on TV and in film. I confirmed all of this with Jamie Butler and she too saw me on stage and mentioned something about how I would teach about how music and sound heals.

All of this and I just kind of brushed it aside, nodded like a bobble-head and quickly brushed it under the bed and forgot about it....until my recent messages to Deryck brought it all to surface.

Spiritually speaking we can look at this and say "Well it is just a role you are playing and none of this is real. It is a hologram." But here is the thing...yes, these are all roles we are playing and each of us is a character actor living our respective roles. We get really wrapped up into these characters we are playing and the EMOTIONS we feel whilst performing are very real. It doesn't matter how many times that someone says "it is just a story" or "it is a holographic universe," every single emotion we FEEL in every now moment is REAL. We have immersed ourselves into these roles and we feel everything our character feels and at the end of the day we take them home with us and never really break character. Even our dreams often have us seeing ourselves AS our characters and not the true light beings we are at the core.

So this is me trying to work it all out in front of you. This kind of audience I can deal with. I don't have to see you and let my nerves get the better of me. lol

I have decided to rekindle a romance with my old flame. I owe it to myself and my love. Like a Phoenix from the flames, I will revive my dream that has long since been dead. I will revive my relationship with my love, but this time I will find it in me to overcome my fears. Even if all I ever do is muster up the courage to sing karaoke in a crappy bar, I am going to successfully sing in front of people.

If you have made it through my whole musing, ask yourself what hidden issues you might be avoiding that have likely been trying to get your attention in plain sight and you are putting your fingers in your ears and saying, "lalalala I can't hear you!" When something triggers you, really look at it and delve in. There is likely a younger version of you begging to be nurtured, loved and healed.  

Standing Naked and Exposed, Vulnerability

The Descent of Iztaccihuatl (The White Woman) - Ricardo Fernández Ortega

I think I have to admit (mostly to myself) that Deryck Whibley has become my unlikely muse. lol Lately many of my blog posts are inspired by something relating to him. This one will be no exception. This too is directly related to my interactions with him on Instagram.

It was my guides who first brought Deryck into my awareness. Before that, I thought all those Sum 41 songs I heard on the radio were Blink 182. hahaha Sorry, Deryck, it is true. I was oblivious to the name "Sum 41" until May 2014. Since then it has been an interesting experience, to say the least.

It is funny how a complete stranger can unknowingly make an impact on us and help us grow without doing anything but being themselves. I dutifully started posting comments because I knew my guides wanted me to interact with him for a reason, so I complied. What I didn't count on is the inner growth I would make as a result.

I have been watching Deryck since his brush with death. I have been paying attention to what he says. I have watched older videos on their YouTube channel to get acquainted a little about who he is. I have watched interviews with him as well.

One day he is all like "Yo, I am on Instagram now. Follow me!" I groaned and reluctantly signed up to Instagram so that I could "Follow" him there. I watched and sometimes commented. I watched his adoring fans and their comments. Eventually Deryck actually started interacting with them. I thought, "Wow! This is a twist and a change." He has even replied to me a number of times. I saw his fans light up and get excited and start posting more. I saw the desperation of some wanting him to notice them. "Please notice me!" some would say. And how many of us feel that way in our every day life..."just notice me". It struck me and I could see how much it meant to those people to have a response. The average age of Dercyk's audience is still mostly young...teens to 20s, I would say. His music speaks to that age group and that age group can be influenced a lot.

Eventually the interaction with his fans evolved. He started sharing their artwork and tattoos. He started liking their videos, and I tell you, my heart grew just observing all of this. Sometimes I have posted comments to Deryck and later deleted them. I do that a lot actually. lol Sometimes if they just leave me feeling like I have revealed too much, I delete.

Recently I posted a comment to Deryck and sang his praises. I have done it before, but I chose an old photo and tagged him and hoped none of his fans would bother to look. lol This time I posted out in the open for all of them to see my soft gooey inside that I don't often like to show. And then yesterday I posted a poem on my Instagram and tagged him in a message that followed. While I was composing that message, something unexpected happened. At the end of the message I BURST into tears and I was like wtf, where did that come from?

That moment was a spotlight. It shined a light on a core issue...something I needed to work on and address....but it also left me feeling vulnerable and exposed even though what I said was kind and loving. This morning I promptly deleted it. My BFF, Ziba, asked me why and a series of questions that made me take a look at it.

This was the dialogue exchange...

ME:  I mean last night with writing what I did to Deryck and responding with huge emotion was a surprise and shined a light on something I need to look at.

Of course I have a strong urge to delete that message and I likely will today. I think he has probably seen it and there is no reason for it to be there anymore.

ZIBA: leave it

you created it and it's beautiful, let it remain

ME: The poem will stay

ZIBA: even the comment

ME: But my personal message to him I just removed

ZIBA: why?

ME:  I don't know

It just made me squirm

And I guess it wouldn't seem so...i don't know....pointless if he had actually acknowledged seeing it.

It makes me feel vulnerable and naked and so I deleted it.

Ding, ding, ding! And there it is...feeling exposed and naked leaves me feeling vulnerable and I run from vulnerability like the plague.

"What was that issue that came up?" you might wonder. Let me share a couple of the comments I posted before:

This was the one I hid on an old post....

oktobre17: I'm going to randomly post on one of your old posts over here because I can. I miss this account and miss seeing your face as the avatar I see when you post pictures. I understand why you would choose the sum 41 account as it just makes sense. More people can find you easily. Let's face it "sum 41" is easier to spell than "the official Deryck Whibley" hahahaha I am being nostalgic, I guess. I think it is very cool that you make some kid's day by commenting and liking his video, or sharing an amazing drawing someone did who loves your band. It makes them feel special and it makes you seem like you have a heart and can remember what is was like to be a geeky kid singing to your favorite band in your bedroom. I feel more like an observer than a fan and I have been watching and I think your interaction with your fans is lovely and thoughtful. Maybe I have had too much time to think while I lay in bed for days with food poisoning. Hahaha Sending love and light your way because my heart feels full with what I have seen.

Here is a recent one...

oktobre17: @sum41 I know I have said this before and I will say it again. I really love seeing how you are interacting more with your fans in different ways...liking their posts and sharing their art and tattoos. Those tiny little gestures mean the world to those people. It isn't just about their idol acknowledging them, but I am guessing at least some of them don't have people in their lives supporting them and encouraging them to pursue their dreams. You give them hope and encouragement and that means a lot when so many people tell you to be realistic and tell you that you could never succeed in music.
 In your position you have a platform to be an influence and role model and what you do with that position matters. Bravo to you for stepping up and giving a shit about these kids. It is beautiful to watch as it unfolds. Much love and light to you, my friend

PS: I miss you updating your blog. :)

And this is the one I deleted...

oktobre17: @sum41 I used to write a lot when I was young. Hence the reason most of my lyrics and poems are written in the 80s and 90s. My big dream in life was that i wanted to sing in a band. I wrote lyrics but didn't play an instrument so didn't know the first thing about writing music to go with those words. This one is a poem but many of my writings were set up with verses and a chorus. My father was/is a religious fanatic. My parents weren't supportive of my dream. It kind of crushes the spirit of the young dreamer when you aren't encouraged to do what you love most. I think at one point I just gave up the dream and buried it deep inside. It was only this past year that I dug out my old poetry and lyrics and published some of it on my blog. I'm 46 now and those kinds of dreams I simply remember wistfully with a little pain in my heart. My daughter is 6 and i want to encourage her to pursue anything her heart desires. When I say the things i do to you, I say them very sincerely because what you are doing for those kids, I wish someone had done for me.

Do you see how in the second comment I kind of in a roundabout way talk about what my issue is but I worded it as "them" and "they" and didn't own it? In the last comment I admitted that *I* didn't feel supported or encouraged...and FUCK...god damnit the tears just broke free again and just typing this is like standing naked and exposed, showing you my greatest failure and disappointment...THE DEATH OF A DREAM...a dream never realized. And now I know there is something there that is begging to be healed and what that something is.

*deep breath*

I want to talk about how being vulnerable isn't a bad thing, blah blah blah....but I think I have to step away and post an edit to this once the tears have stopped and I can compose my thoughts.

Me, Myself, and I

Many have this idea of their bodies only ever containing one soul. They think of their "consciousness" being connected to a single soul. I was pondering who "I" and "me" really are in this experience. I started thinking about it because of a dream I had last night. In the dream I had moved into a new apartment but the people who had lived there before came back and didn't want to leave. I was content to go back to my old apartment. I considered that the "apartment" reference could actually be reference to the body and the roles we play and I considered whether or not "I" and "me" would leave to the new body or if they would stay with original.

The conclusion I came to is that what we know of as "I" and "me" remains with the body. Our consciousness...awareness of "I" and "me" is actually connected to the human vessel. Even if the soul that drives the vehicle leaves and a new one takes over, we still feel pretty much the same "I" and "me". The only way to get true release is to destroy the vehicle so that it is uninhabitable. The "I" and "me" is a computer-like program connected to the brain. "I" and "me" are the roles the body was placed here to perform. If the current soul driving my human vehicle leaves, "I" would still be here and she would be free but "I" would have no knowledge or awareness of her. 

There could be multiple beings that come in and play the ROLE of that particular body. So on the other side there could be many beings who played that role. When you call up to talk to, let's say Elvis, if there were multiple beings who performed that role, you could connect with any one of them. We are thinking in terms that the role as a single being and I think we are learning now that that just isn't the case for many of us.

We become SO attached to the "I" and "me".  I have heard some say they still want to be who they are right now on the other side. We have forgotten that the souls driving the vehicle are just playing a role. We are so much bigger than the current roles we are performing. Whichever soul leaves can call up the role whenever they wish even if someone else is now playing that role. Is that confusing? Think of the energy driving as a sky drive and the brain as a hard drive. But then you have a different being coming in and playing the role and there becomes another perfect sky drive copy of that role. Do you see where this is going?

How many versions of the Nutcracker have you seen with different actors playing the same roles? Each actor can say, "I performed this role" and it would be truth. Each would have a memory of playing that role and be able to call it up whenever they wish.

The character of Oktobre will remain until the body is uninhabitable and is written out of the script. This is just a role that those who want to experience it can. What becomes of the character on the other side? I honestly have no idea. I suspect all of the beings who have played this role can call her up and perform as her should they wish.

When you look at another person and you feel attached to them, ask yourself what it is you are attached to. Is it the character you are attached to or the current soul within? It could be either or it could be both. I think the idea of multiple beings playing a single role kind of changes one's perspective about who the "person" really is in this life. When we "lose" someone be it to death or just a falling out, who or what are we actually mourning? Is our grieving just part of the role and written into the script to help us grow and feel something we may have not felt on the other side before? Is it the body and computer-like program we are attached to? I think it is worth looking at why we sometimes react so strongly to loss...to a point that it destroys our own roles in this giant play.

It is very possible that the people we love don't have the original souls they started out with but we don't mourn when that soul leaves and a new one comes in. It is definitely something to think about and consider.

I'm Feeding The Trolls

So, I have this hater. Michael Gazica is a Sum 41 fan who has taken a personal disliking to my comments on Deryck Whibley's pictures on Instagram. My last blog post is filled with hateful comments from him and while I could completely ignore him, I want to take this opportunity to impart information that could be useful to some of my readers.

I annoy him a LOT according to him. And maybe if I were in the 5th grade and still the sensitive being I once was, the hateful words of a bully like him would have made me cry. I am not that sensitive child. I am a hardened 46-year-old woman...old enough to be his mother and his attempts to drive me away are pointless. I could psycho-analyze his behavior and dissect why it is he feels the need to attack me, but I'm not sure it serves a useful purpose here.

What I understand that it might take him many years to come to is that we all act as mirrors for each other.  We show each other where we need to grow. If someone triggers you, chances are pretty good they are reflecting something inside of you that you need to take a look at. You can ignore the opportunity to grow and continue to be hateful and unpleasant or you can choose to look at your shadow self and become a better person. He doesn't understand yet, but I know his spite and venom isn't really about me...it is about a deficit within him that he doesn't want to face. I am simply the trigger.

Maybe he hoped to rattle my chains, but all I could do is sit there and think "He is another me. He is showing me my shadow self. I love you, Michael Gazica, because my shadow self especially needs love." See, in the end, we are all one despite the illusion that we are separate beings. We are all connected. To hate him for his ill behavior is to hate myself. Maybe some day that other me will grow and learn and become a nicer person. I can hope.

As I told him in comments, I am secure in who I am. His opinion of me has no weight or influence on the choices I make or my behavior. Hate if you need to hate but know that I love me and my love for me is really the only love that matters.

A Trip Down Memory Lane - House of Blues - Sunest Strip

I woke at 2:00 a.m. to pee. I shouldn't have looked at my phone but I did. Ariana Cooper had posted a photo of a band from the House of Blues in Los Angeles. That was all it took. My head started taking a trip down memory lane and I couldn't go back to sleep. Her fiance, Deryck Whibley, had posted a video the night before of the Smashing Pumpkins and, coincidentally, it took me back to this very same place in time in my history....Los Angeles 1994. The fact that twice in two days I was reminded of this time must mean something but I don't know what yet. Let me take you back in time with me.

I was dating Sky Phoenix and he wanted to fly me to LA for my best friend's birthday. I had just moved to Portland, Oregon that year so the flight wasn't long or bad. My BFF was living in the Charlie Chaplin mansion at the time and I stayed with her there a couple nights. She had BEGGED me to go to Lollapalooza with her for her birthday. I despise huge crowds and she really had to convince me but I finally agreed. Smashing Pumpkins were headlining that year. I really didn't care about any of the bands playing. I had only gone for her. It was hot and all the sweaty bodies made it smelly. People were dancing practically on top of me. I was a smoker then and I used my cigarette as a means of keeping people at a distance and burning those who got too near. Hahahaha

On another night Sky took me and my BFF to the House of Blues and because of who he was connected to, we were admitted into the VIP section (I guess they call it the Foundation Room). It was such a surreal experience for me. There were attendants in the bathroom with hot towels, mouth wash, perfume, etc. On that night we met Sharon Stone's brother (did anyone even know she had a brother? lol).

We also saw Danny Aiello walk in with his entourage. It was the person that we ended up spending much of the evening with that would make this night super memorable. We ended up sitting with Tony Curtis. He was so animated. Maybe it was the alcohol talking or maybe that was just his personality, I wasn't sure. He talked and talked to us. He told us about the death of his son and cried in front of us. He showed us his scar from his recent heart surgery and he asked my BFF to marry him. Hahahaha Oh what a night!  He became our personal tour guide of the HOB. And while Sky had been there plenty, he wanted me to see all the nooks and crannies that were hiding and allowed Tony to be our HOB tour guide. Tony, god love him, paraded us through all of the secret rooms. 

He took us through a private dining area too. Oh pardon us, we are crashing your dinner and spying on you. Hahaha I can't even remember who was performing that night but Tony dragged us down stairs for a while and got us right in front. It was a night unlike any other.

As I lay awake remembering all of this, I remembered Sky taking a photo of something engraved somewhere and it was in honor of one of the financial contributors to the LA location who had died before he had a chance to see it opened....River Phoenix.

From Wiki: "The first House of Blues opened on November 26, 1992, in the Harvard Square commercial district and retail area of Cambridge, Massachusetts. The company was originally financed by Dan Aykroyd, Aerosmith, Paul Shaffer, River Phoenix, James Belushi, and Harvard University, among others. This original location has since closed. However, the hands-in-concrete driveway where members of the Blues Brothers and others left their mark, still remains."

River....my dearest River had a hand in the creation of this business. It wasn't until two years ago that I discovered River is my spirit guide and because of this, this special night so long ago has even more meaning now. Maybe there is a message here from him that I am missing and maybe I just need to go to sleep so I can dream the answer.

Advice To Our Younger Selves, Falling In Love, and Gratitude

So it all started with a comment on an Instagram picture Deryck Whibley (Sum 41) posted of his 17-year-old self.

Me: What advice would you give to your younger self knowing all that you know now?

Deryck: I would say keep doing what ur doing kid, ur gonna love every min of it.

Me: Seriously that is it? Omg I have so much I would tell my 17 year old self. The biggest changes I have made have been within the last 5 years. I wish I could have made some of those changes a lot younger. I marvel at some of the younger people today and how they just get some of the things that it took me 30+ years to figure out. I'm glad you have no regrets. When you have kids of your own, that perspective might alter a little.

It inspired me to post a photo of my younger me and say some of those things to her. I posted this photo: 

And this was what I said:

I asked @sum41 what advice he would give his younger self. He didn't have much he would tell his younger self, but I have plenty I would say to my younger me knowing all that I know now. 

Dear younger me, let go of the anger and stop building walls around your heart because they will be hard to tear down later. Love yourself wildly and passionately. There is nothing to fear. Let the fear go that was taught to you by religion. Enjoy the little things in life because those are what matter most. Don't worry about what others think of you. The only opinion of you that matters about you is your own. If you see an opportunity in front of you, take it. It might never come again. That person you thought would always be there just might die tomorrow. Tell people how much you love them and tell them often. Don't ever stop writing and trust your own intuition.

And then my West Coast BFF, Shannon, posted this photo of me in the comments on Facebook:

I had never seen this photo of me before and it struck me and made my grinchy heart grow a little. This photo is SO me in a nutshell....happiest with a pen in my hand and deep in thought. But look at her! Just look! She is BEAUTIFUL and AMAZING and CREATIVE and FEELING and yet she never thought she was pretty enough or smart enough or thin enough or talented enough. She never thought very much of herself at all. All of the negative self talk....all of the closing off and walls she put up because what she felt she didn't think she could handle and she didn't want to be weak and crumble. She didn't want to be vulnerable. Her heart eventually became frozen in layers and layers of ice so that she could numb herself from being able to feel.

I sat there wishing I really could reach back and hug my younger self and give her the advice and wisdom I have today to share from my experience she didn't have yet. I was talking to my East Coast BFF, Ziba, and telling her all of this. I have done so much inner work and gained so much momentum just from talking about everything rattling around my brain with Ziba. She and I have similar issues we need to face and "self love" is a topic that has come up a lot.

As I mentioned to her, everyone is talking about loving the self first. We hear it over and over and yet we just nod and say "okay" but none of us really understand what we need to do and how to achieve it. Self-love is almost as mystical and elusive as dragons, unicorns and the perfect romantic partner. But today, something clicked and I completely understand what I need to do. I can see it, feel it and taste it in a way I couldn't before.

What I need to do is romance myself. I mean, I need to treat me the way I would a lover in the beginning stages of a relationship. I need to shower her/me with poems of love, tender words, kindness and consideration. I need to let her know that I love every aspect of her. I need to let her know that I love even the negatives and the dark side because even our shadow selves need to be loved.

I have an exercise in mind that I want to practice. I am going to visualize my now me with me at different ages and I want to love her. I want to tell her all the things she needed to hear back then but didn't. I want her to feel SO much love that all of her walls crumble. I will love myself so much that the inner fire and light will burst outward and disintegrate the fortress that has kept my heart a prisoner and hidden away.

I think this is key for moving forward and achieving all that I wish to achieve in my life and I feel really optimistic about it. I can't wait to start romancing myself.

I invite all who read this to post a photo of your younger you and give him/her advice from what you know now. I invite you to fall in love with yourselves and give yourself the love you desire so much. We often seek love from external sources when really the love we want most of all is our own.

I want to say thank you to Deryck for being my muse and posting things that make me ponder and contemplate life. I want to thank my West Coast BFF, Shannon for always being there and just getting me and loving me in the way I need to love myself. Can you believe it has nearly been 30 years ago that we met?! I want to thank my East Coast BFF, Ziba, for being there everyday and talking through so much of this stuff with me. I can let my spirituality hang out all over the place with you and be my weird self with you. I appreciate the presence of all of you in my life no matter what form or capacity. Love and gratitude to you.

The Tale of My Custom Orgonite

This is the lovely completed orgonite created by ShowMe Orgonite. This is after the resin was poured.

So I had this dream:

October 31, 2014 I had really kind of hoped I would dream about River as it was the anniversary of his death and he was on my mind, but instead I dreamed about Erik. I have never had a true Erik dream until last night…where the Erik face/vessel played the role. I dreamed about him all night. I would wake and say, “remember that” and then drift back off and keep dreaming about him. There was only the first part with him actually there with me. The rest was me trying to keep the memory. I was with Erik. We were a couple. There was this other couple who had created a place, a space for us to meet up and be together. I mean, I knew he was coming through in spirit and they created a space where he could come through and we could be together in a more physical way. We held each other and kissed and I didn’t want to ever part. I just wanted to stay there forever.
 
Then there was something about a device type thing that someone else had that Erik wanted me to gain access to. It wasn’t actually hers. In my dream it was my friend, Hafidha, at first who had this thing I was to gain access to. It was like it was an anomaly, an accident in how it developed. Whatever it was it gave Erik the ability to come through more easily. I seem to recall a box with roses on the outside. On the inside it was a mix of stuff. I couldn’t tell you what exactly. But it was like when certain components came together, it created this gateway…or perfect environment for Erik to come through. I heard something about “particles” and I want to say the particles were him. I asked Hafidha to give me the box/device and she gave me a box saying it was what I was asking for but it was much too small and wasn’t the actual device. What I was supposed to do when I gained access to this thing was “download” it and keep a copy so I had all the information I needed to be able to have easier access to Erik as well….so he could come through to me easier and be with me.
 
I have a vague memory of a wind chime and offering to put it at my place because I like chimes. Most of the dreams were about me trying to “save Erik” by finding this device and downloading it and creating a copy. Who had the device seemed to change and I was plotting to gain access to it when they were away from the house. When they came back, there was something about one of them having had their hair done but it wasn’t right so the other was going to help fix it. When I went into the room, there were bits of red dyed hair everywhere on the floor. It looked almost like a dog shedding only no dog has that shade of red. hahaha I don’t remember many other specifics other than almost stepping in dog poo in grass and just missing it.
 
Interpretation: The meaning of this dream was perplexing to me. Usually I can see the meaning fairly easily but I was confused about what my higher self/subconscious was trying to convey to me. I started thinking about the “device” and how not long before a friend had talked about Erik coming to her wanting her to make talismans/pendants for some of the active members of a small private discussion group. She had mentioned that Erik wanted the components of mine to be slightly different to the others. I’m not sure why, nor was she. The talismans were basically going to be small orgonites. At the time, I really didn’t understand what an orgonite did. I had heard them mentioned before around the time of Fukushima and the concern of radiation but I never really researched them or gave them much thought. I just nodded and trusted that my friend and Erik knew and wasn’t concerned with exploring it further.
 
I considered that the “friend” in my dream was actually representing my friend who was going to make the talismans. My friend has a lot going on in her life and hasn’t gotten around to creating what Erik wanted her to.

Desert Rose

I had become acquainted with Chris at ShowMe Orgonite through my friend, Ashley at In My Sacred Space. He had done a beautiful custom piece for her and she raved about it. The morning after my dream, he posted a photo of a beautiful piece he titled “Desert Rose”. There were roses on the box of the dream device and there is a song by Sting called “Desert Rose” that was played for my friend, Jan, during a reading she was doing for me. The song was from Erik and the lyrics spoke to me. Because of the sync, I decided to reach out to Chris and shared my dream with him. I did consider he might think me absolutely insane for sharing this strange dream with him, but I wanted to see if he thought the device in the dream might be an orgonite
 
Chris was lovely and very open and had quite an unexpected response to my dream. He saw himself and his wife in my dream and suggested that I had traveled to the place and time when he had created this desert rose piece for his wife. He described having two dogs at the time…a great dane and a smaller one. I never mentioned in my telling of my dream that there had actually been two piles of poo…lol…one small and one very large one. I left it out on purpose because I didn’t want my friends who are also vivid dreamers knowing how much poo was in my dream. Usually it means I have internal shit I need to clean up. I never expected that it could actually represent real dogs. lol Here is Chris’ blog where he talks about some of what made him think I was dreaming about him and his wife. It is pretty cool. And the couple at the beginning definitely makes me think of Chris and his wife now. I just makes sense and fits.
 
I decided that I was being told to have Chris make the device from the dream. When I was sure that he understood what I wanted and needed, I had him move forward with making the piece.

This is the before resin picture. Look at how pretty the “desert rose” stone is in the middle. Go to Chris’ blog about the piece to learn about the symbols and meanings of the materials used.

I have yet to get my custom orgonite in my hands, but should have it sometime this week. I can’t wait! I am so excited! I will likely do another blog post telling what I experience when I get it.
 
Now those reading this may be very knowledgeable about what orgonite is, what it is capable of. I was still confused and not entirely sure even after trying to research it a little. Some of the terminology and language just makes my eyes glaze over and I totally miss the point and just translate the details as “blah blah blah”. lol Chris was kind enough to answer and explain some of what it can do.
 
Here is our exchange:

 
ME: Let me share a little bit of a dream I had last night. I am not entirely sure how an Orgonite works but if it helps to balance energy, perhaps it can also remove blocks.
 
This is the bit: November 22, 2014 So I just had this dream where there was this store that was getting ready to open up and everything they sold was pink. I saw pink clothing in my head. I was inside this open and large two level space they were going to use and everything was already Pepto Bismol pink….the walls, the carpet. They were just waiting for everything else to fill the rooms. I was like, ain’t no way a business like this will survive, but whatever. They were hiring and I am not sure why I was there and following them around. I remember sitting on the stairs feeling bored. I could see these lasers that were coming from the wall that I assumed was security. I kind of played with the dust in the light as I sat on the stairs. There was even a pink baby grand piano on the lower level but both levels were quite open to each other. I think I might have mentioned that I had worked in a place like this once before and it closed down. lol
 
Interpretation: To me this dream has a meaning of the heart chakra opening up written all over it. Pink is the color of the inner heart chakra. I have known for a while I have a heart chakra block because of related health problems I have. A part of me is wondering if this piece you made for me is the reason I had this dream.
 
SHOWME ORGONITE: Oh yes, Orgonite can be used for both balancing and removing blockages along with many other things. I feel this helps with so much it’s hard to comprehend. If you do any kind of energy work, meditation or astral travel type work Orgonite is a very powerful assistant. The Desert Rose is really Selenite, which in the book of stones is for Spirtual activation, communication with the Higher Self, spirit guides and angels. For the Spiritual – Selenite’s energy clears etheric blockages and debris, allowing for a freer flow of energy through the higher chakras – particularly the etheric chakras that facilitate connection and communication with the Higher Self. It is always my intention to allow the stones and crystals that I use to vibrate and assist at each specific level they are attuned too, whatever frequency they resonate at and assist accordingly. You have 7 DT AA quartz cyrstals and an awesome Desert Rose – that’s a total of 8 which is the sign of infinity, which I believe shows infinite possibilities!