I'm Feeding The Trolls

So, I have this hater. Michael Gazica is a Sum 41 fan who has taken a personal disliking to my comments on Deryck Whibley's pictures on Instagram. My last blog post is filled with hateful comments from him and while I could completely ignore him, I want to take this opportunity to impart information that could be useful to some of my readers.

I annoy him a LOT according to him. And maybe if I were in the 5th grade and still the sensitive being I once was, the hateful words of a bully like him would have made me cry. I am not that sensitive child. I am a hardened 46-year-old woman...old enough to be his mother and his attempts to drive me away are pointless. I could psycho-analyze his behavior and dissect why it is he feels the need to attack me, but I'm not sure it serves a useful purpose here.

What I understand that it might take him many years to come to is that we all act as mirrors for each other.  We show each other where we need to grow. If someone triggers you, chances are pretty good they are reflecting something inside of you that you need to take a look at. You can ignore the opportunity to grow and continue to be hateful and unpleasant or you can choose to look at your shadow self and become a better person. He doesn't understand yet, but I know his spite and venom isn't really about me...it is about a deficit within him that he doesn't want to face. I am simply the trigger.

Maybe he hoped to rattle my chains, but all I could do is sit there and think "He is another me. He is showing me my shadow self. I love you, Michael Gazica, because my shadow self especially needs love." See, in the end, we are all one despite the illusion that we are separate beings. We are all connected. To hate him for his ill behavior is to hate myself. Maybe some day that other me will grow and learn and become a nicer person. I can hope.

As I told him in comments, I am secure in who I am. His opinion of me has no weight or influence on the choices I make or my behavior. Hate if you need to hate but know that I love me and my love for me is really the only love that matters.

A Trip Down Memory Lane - House of Blues - Sunest Strip

I woke at 2:00 a.m. to pee. I shouldn't have looked at my phone but I did. Ariana Cooper had posted a photo of a band from the House of Blues in Los Angeles. That was all it took. My head started taking a trip down memory lane and I couldn't go back to sleep. Her fiance, Deryck Whibley, had posted a video the night before of the Smashing Pumpkins and, coincidentally, it took me back to this very same place in time in my history....Los Angeles 1994. The fact that twice in two days I was reminded of this time must mean something but I don't know what yet. Let me take you back in time with me.

I was dating Sky Phoenix and he wanted to fly me to LA for my best friend's birthday. I had just moved to Portland, Oregon that year so the flight wasn't long or bad. My BFF was living in the Charlie Chaplin mansion at the time and I stayed with her there a couple nights. She had BEGGED me to go to Lollapalooza with her for her birthday. I despise huge crowds and she really had to convince me but I finally agreed. Smashing Pumpkins were headlining that year. I really didn't care about any of the bands playing. I had only gone for her. It was hot and all the sweaty bodies made it smelly. People were dancing practically on top of me. I was a smoker then and I used my cigarette as a means of keeping people at a distance and burning those who got too near. Hahahaha

On another night Sky took me and my BFF to the House of Blues and because of who he was connected to, we were admitted into the VIP section (I guess they call it the Foundation Room). It was such a surreal experience for me. There were attendants in the bathroom with hot towels, mouth wash, perfume, etc. On that night we met Sharon Stone's brother (did anyone even know she had a brother? lol).

We also saw Danny Aiello walk in with his entourage. It was the person that we ended up spending much of the evening with that would make this night super memorable. We ended up sitting with Tony Curtis. He was so animated. Maybe it was the alcohol talking or maybe that was just his personality, I wasn't sure. He talked and talked to us. He told us about the death of his son and cried in front of us. He showed us his scar from his recent heart surgery and he asked my BFF to marry him. Hahahaha Oh what a night!  He became our personal tour guide of the HOB. And while Sky had been there plenty, he wanted me to see all the nooks and crannies that were hiding and allowed Tony to be our HOB tour guide. Tony, god love him, paraded us through all of the secret rooms. 

He took us through a private dining area too. Oh pardon us, we are crashing your dinner and spying on you. Hahaha I can't even remember who was performing that night but Tony dragged us down stairs for a while and got us right in front. It was a night unlike any other.

As I lay awake remembering all of this, I remembered Sky taking a photo of something engraved somewhere and it was in honor of one of the financial contributors to the LA location who had died before he had a chance to see it opened....River Phoenix.

From Wiki: "The first House of Blues opened on November 26, 1992, in the Harvard Square commercial district and retail area of Cambridge, Massachusetts. The company was originally financed by Dan Aykroyd, Aerosmith, Paul Shaffer, River Phoenix, James Belushi, and Harvard University, among others. This original location has since closed. However, the hands-in-concrete driveway where members of the Blues Brothers and others left their mark, still remains."

River....my dearest River had a hand in the creation of this business. It wasn't until two years ago that I discovered River is my spirit guide and because of this, this special night so long ago has even more meaning now. Maybe there is a message here from him that I am missing and maybe I just need to go to sleep so I can dream the answer.

Advice To Our Younger Selves, Falling In Love, and Gratitude

So it all started with a comment on an Instagram picture Deryck Whibley (Sum 41) posted of his 17-year-old self.

Me: What advice would you give to your younger self knowing all that you know now?

Deryck: I would say keep doing what ur doing kid, ur gonna love every min of it.

Me: Seriously that is it? Omg I have so much I would tell my 17 year old self. The biggest changes I have made have been within the last 5 years. I wish I could have made some of those changes a lot younger. I marvel at some of the younger people today and how they just get some of the things that it took me 30+ years to figure out. I'm glad you have no regrets. When you have kids of your own, that perspective might alter a little.

It inspired me to post a photo of my younger me and say some of those things to her. I posted this photo: 

And this was what I said:

I asked @sum41 what advice he would give his younger self. He didn't have much he would tell his younger self, but I have plenty I would say to my younger me knowing all that I know now. 

Dear younger me, let go of the anger and stop building walls around your heart because they will be hard to tear down later. Love yourself wildly and passionately. There is nothing to fear. Let the fear go that was taught to you by religion. Enjoy the little things in life because those are what matter most. Don't worry about what others think of you. The only opinion of you that matters about you is your own. If you see an opportunity in front of you, take it. It might never come again. That person you thought would always be there just might die tomorrow. Tell people how much you love them and tell them often. Don't ever stop writing and trust your own intuition.

And then my West Coast BFF, Shannon, posted this photo of me in the comments on Facebook:

I had never seen this photo of me before and it struck me and made my grinchy heart grow a little. This photo is SO me in a nutshell....happiest with a pen in my hand and deep in thought. But look at her! Just look! She is BEAUTIFUL and AMAZING and CREATIVE and FEELING and yet she never thought she was pretty enough or smart enough or thin enough or talented enough. She never thought very much of herself at all. All of the negative self talk....all of the closing off and walls she put up because what she felt she didn't think she could handle and she didn't want to be weak and crumble. She didn't want to be vulnerable. Her heart eventually became frozen in layers and layers of ice so that she could numb herself from being able to feel.

I sat there wishing I really could reach back and hug my younger self and give her the advice and wisdom I have today to share from my experience she didn't have yet. I was talking to my East Coast BFF, Ziba, and telling her all of this. I have done so much inner work and gained so much momentum just from talking about everything rattling around my brain with Ziba. She and I have similar issues we need to face and "self love" is a topic that has come up a lot.

As I mentioned to her, everyone is talking about loving the self first. We hear it over and over and yet we just nod and say "okay" but none of us really understand what we need to do and how to achieve it. Self-love is almost as mystical and elusive as dragons, unicorns and the perfect romantic partner. But today, something clicked and I completely understand what I need to do. I can see it, feel it and taste it in a way I couldn't before.

What I need to do is romance myself. I mean, I need to treat me the way I would a lover in the beginning stages of a relationship. I need to shower her/me with poems of love, tender words, kindness and consideration. I need to let her know that I love every aspect of her. I need to let her know that I love even the negatives and the dark side because even our shadow selves need to be loved.

I have an exercise in mind that I want to practice. I am going to visualize my now me with me at different ages and I want to love her. I want to tell her all the things she needed to hear back then but didn't. I want her to feel SO much love that all of her walls crumble. I will love myself so much that the inner fire and light will burst outward and disintegrate the fortress that has kept my heart a prisoner and hidden away.

I think this is key for moving forward and achieving all that I wish to achieve in my life and I feel really optimistic about it. I can't wait to start romancing myself.

I invite all who read this to post a photo of your younger you and give him/her advice from what you know now. I invite you to fall in love with yourselves and give yourself the love you desire so much. We often seek love from external sources when really the love we want most of all is our own.

I want to say thank you to Deryck for being my muse and posting things that make me ponder and contemplate life. I want to thank my West Coast BFF, Shannon for always being there and just getting me and loving me in the way I need to love myself. Can you believe it has nearly been 30 years ago that we met?! I want to thank my East Coast BFF, Ziba, for being there everyday and talking through so much of this stuff with me. I can let my spirituality hang out all over the place with you and be my weird self with you. I appreciate the presence of all of you in my life no matter what form or capacity. Love and gratitude to you.

The Tale of My Custom Orgonite

This is the lovely completed orgonite created by ShowMe Orgonite. This is after the resin was poured.

So I had this dream:

October 31, 2014 I had really kind of hoped I would dream about River as it was the anniversary of his death and he was on my mind, but instead I dreamed about Erik. I have never had a true Erik dream until last night…where the Erik face/vessel played the role. I dreamed about him all night. I would wake and say, “remember that” and then drift back off and keep dreaming about him. There was only the first part with him actually there with me. The rest was me trying to keep the memory. I was with Erik. We were a couple. There was this other couple who had created a place, a space for us to meet up and be together. I mean, I knew he was coming through in spirit and they created a space where he could come through and we could be together in a more physical way. We held each other and kissed and I didn’t want to ever part. I just wanted to stay there forever.
 
Then there was something about a device type thing that someone else had that Erik wanted me to gain access to. It wasn’t actually hers. In my dream it was my friend, Hafidha, at first who had this thing I was to gain access to. It was like it was an anomaly, an accident in how it developed. Whatever it was it gave Erik the ability to come through more easily. I seem to recall a box with roses on the outside. On the inside it was a mix of stuff. I couldn’t tell you what exactly. But it was like when certain components came together, it created this gateway…or perfect environment for Erik to come through. I heard something about “particles” and I want to say the particles were him. I asked Hafidha to give me the box/device and she gave me a box saying it was what I was asking for but it was much too small and wasn’t the actual device. What I was supposed to do when I gained access to this thing was “download” it and keep a copy so I had all the information I needed to be able to have easier access to Erik as well….so he could come through to me easier and be with me.
 
I have a vague memory of a wind chime and offering to put it at my place because I like chimes. Most of the dreams were about me trying to “save Erik” by finding this device and downloading it and creating a copy. Who had the device seemed to change and I was plotting to gain access to it when they were away from the house. When they came back, there was something about one of them having had their hair done but it wasn’t right so the other was going to help fix it. When I went into the room, there were bits of red dyed hair everywhere on the floor. It looked almost like a dog shedding only no dog has that shade of red. hahaha I don’t remember many other specifics other than almost stepping in dog poo in grass and just missing it.
 
Interpretation: The meaning of this dream was perplexing to me. Usually I can see the meaning fairly easily but I was confused about what my higher self/subconscious was trying to convey to me. I started thinking about the “device” and how not long before a friend had talked about Erik coming to her wanting her to make talismans/pendants for some of the active members of a small private discussion group. She had mentioned that Erik wanted the components of mine to be slightly different to the others. I’m not sure why, nor was she. The talismans were basically going to be small orgonites. At the time, I really didn’t understand what an orgonite did. I had heard them mentioned before around the time of Fukushima and the concern of radiation but I never really researched them or gave them much thought. I just nodded and trusted that my friend and Erik knew and wasn’t concerned with exploring it further.
 
I considered that the “friend” in my dream was actually representing my friend who was going to make the talismans. My friend has a lot going on in her life and hasn’t gotten around to creating what Erik wanted her to.

Desert Rose

I had become acquainted with Chris at ShowMe Orgonite through my friend, Ashley at In My Sacred Space. He had done a beautiful custom piece for her and she raved about it. The morning after my dream, he posted a photo of a beautiful piece he titled “Desert Rose”. There were roses on the box of the dream device and there is a song by Sting called “Desert Rose” that was played for my friend, Jan, during a reading she was doing for me. The song was from Erik and the lyrics spoke to me. Because of the sync, I decided to reach out to Chris and shared my dream with him. I did consider he might think me absolutely insane for sharing this strange dream with him, but I wanted to see if he thought the device in the dream might be an orgonite
 
Chris was lovely and very open and had quite an unexpected response to my dream. He saw himself and his wife in my dream and suggested that I had traveled to the place and time when he had created this desert rose piece for his wife. He described having two dogs at the time…a great dane and a smaller one. I never mentioned in my telling of my dream that there had actually been two piles of poo…lol…one small and one very large one. I left it out on purpose because I didn’t want my friends who are also vivid dreamers knowing how much poo was in my dream. Usually it means I have internal shit I need to clean up. I never expected that it could actually represent real dogs. lol Here is Chris’ blog where he talks about some of what made him think I was dreaming about him and his wife. It is pretty cool. And the couple at the beginning definitely makes me think of Chris and his wife now. I just makes sense and fits.
 
I decided that I was being told to have Chris make the device from the dream. When I was sure that he understood what I wanted and needed, I had him move forward with making the piece.

This is the before resin picture. Look at how pretty the “desert rose” stone is in the middle. Go to Chris’ blog about the piece to learn about the symbols and meanings of the materials used.

I have yet to get my custom orgonite in my hands, but should have it sometime this week. I can’t wait! I am so excited! I will likely do another blog post telling what I experience when I get it.
 
Now those reading this may be very knowledgeable about what orgonite is, what it is capable of. I was still confused and not entirely sure even after trying to research it a little. Some of the terminology and language just makes my eyes glaze over and I totally miss the point and just translate the details as “blah blah blah”. lol Chris was kind enough to answer and explain some of what it can do.
 
Here is our exchange:

 
ME: Let me share a little bit of a dream I had last night. I am not entirely sure how an Orgonite works but if it helps to balance energy, perhaps it can also remove blocks.
 
This is the bit: November 22, 2014 So I just had this dream where there was this store that was getting ready to open up and everything they sold was pink. I saw pink clothing in my head. I was inside this open and large two level space they were going to use and everything was already Pepto Bismol pink….the walls, the carpet. They were just waiting for everything else to fill the rooms. I was like, ain’t no way a business like this will survive, but whatever. They were hiring and I am not sure why I was there and following them around. I remember sitting on the stairs feeling bored. I could see these lasers that were coming from the wall that I assumed was security. I kind of played with the dust in the light as I sat on the stairs. There was even a pink baby grand piano on the lower level but both levels were quite open to each other. I think I might have mentioned that I had worked in a place like this once before and it closed down. lol
 
Interpretation: To me this dream has a meaning of the heart chakra opening up written all over it. Pink is the color of the inner heart chakra. I have known for a while I have a heart chakra block because of related health problems I have. A part of me is wondering if this piece you made for me is the reason I had this dream.
 
SHOWME ORGONITE: Oh yes, Orgonite can be used for both balancing and removing blockages along with many other things. I feel this helps with so much it’s hard to comprehend. If you do any kind of energy work, meditation or astral travel type work Orgonite is a very powerful assistant. The Desert Rose is really Selenite, which in the book of stones is for Spirtual activation, communication with the Higher Self, spirit guides and angels. For the Spiritual – Selenite’s energy clears etheric blockages and debris, allowing for a freer flow of energy through the higher chakras – particularly the etheric chakras that facilitate connection and communication with the Higher Self. It is always my intention to allow the stones and crystals that I use to vibrate and assist at each specific level they are attuned too, whatever frequency they resonate at and assist accordingly. You have 7 DT AA quartz cyrstals and an awesome Desert Rose – that’s a total of 8 which is the sign of infinity, which I believe shows infinite possibilities!

Spiritual Prostitution

What is "spiritual prostitution"? you might wonder. I made it up on the fly in hopes it would draw your attention and make you want to read this blog post. lol But I also wanted to create a phrase that describes spiritual people trying to sell themselves to you and creating a dependency at the same time because what they really care about is making money from you.

Spiritual Prostitutes create dependency on their services. They don't want you to think that you can do any of this yourself. They drum up business by telling you that not just anyone can do what you need and you click on the link and of course their site is filled with ways for them to make money and not offering any wisdom or insight so you can help yourself. This was posted as a link in a group on Facebook I am member of. I will leave her name and the link to her site out. I just want to use it as an illustration of what I am talking about:

"NEW ERA HEALING wow am I happy to share this. I have been guided to share something new from ______________________ Counsel. You can now change your contract from light worker to light weaver or something else you feels is even more appropriate.

  ______________also told me this; " to change such a contract requires to go to a certain level of the halls of knowledge. There are few that can do that for themselves. Do not allow the mind to delude you into thinking you have done it as it will try to. Releasing this in the mind is one thing. Releasing it from your soul, from the earth and the universe is another. "

  ______________along with the ____________ council I have now been connected to have guided and instructed me in this technique and I am now offering it to those that feel it's right for them.

You can go to my website to learn more about it and how you can book a session with me to transform the reality you create in. Yahooooooo "

This sort of Spiritual Prostitution SCREAMS red flag to me. I was rolling my eyes as I read it. So we can change our contracts, but not just anyone can do it. Hmmmm So you mean to tell me my own higher self isn't plugged into all the EXACT SAME KNOWLEDGE?!!! SMH Puhleeeease! And you could say that any person (aka spiritual jon) that falls for it has their own spiritual lessons to learn from the situation. I suppose that could be true too.

This was my response to the user that posted the link to this woman's spiritual prostitution post:

How much is she charging? smh I'm sorry, but anyone that says that not just anyone can do it is tripping and drumming up business.

I have a problem with people in the spiritual community who encourage dependence on them and their services. We should be teaching people to do it all themselves because we are all capable. We all have the same potential but come choosing to emphasize one thing more than another but each of us are capable of amazing things. I don't want people to depend on me. I want to teach them what they can do as well.

What about those "psychics" that give away free readings repeatedly and cause a feeding frenzy of bottom feeders? I get giving away a certain amount to build your online presence, but how you do it matters. Melissa Hevenor does free readings sometimes, but the deal is, you have to subscribe to her YouTube channel, "like" her page, and "like" the video on YouTube...and if you like the reading, she asks you to leave her a positive review. I think that is a fair exchange. It is meant to give you a taste so you can decide what you think and maybe tell your friends about her. She doesn't do it all the time....maybe once a month. I won a free reading from her and I will say, I thought her information was interesting and unlike anything anyone has picked up but was confirmation of things I myself have gotten. Getting confirmations to your own information is wonderful, in my book. And then you get those who give away "readings" daily in hopes to get you hooked and come back and pay for their services.

I have heard so called mediums, psychics, intuitives and other spiritual figures make claims that "not just anyone" can do what they do. Some will say that they were just born that way and not everyone is born with abilities. A lot of these people like to tout what other side figures they are connected to be it Jesus, Archangel blah blah blah, ascended master blah blah blah, some high ranking alien, etc. Maybe they say that they were them in a past life or that they channel them. When I hear people make these claims I have to call bullshit when I see it. lol I don't always say it out loud in a post, but I certainly have groaned and said a few choice words at my monitor. lol

This is my truth as I know it. We ALL are BORN with abilities. All of us are born with the same potential. Now, some of us do set it up on the other side to come in with both knobs to the faucet turned on and staying on beyond our stage where amnesia sets in firmly. For those people, certain connections seem easier. It really is as simple as how we set it up before we come into the physical body. Now....what we do once we are here and have forgotten is really up to us. We ALL are capable of being channels. We all are capable of being mediums. We ALL are capable of being energy healers. We ALL are capable of using our intuition consciously. We ALL are capable of tapping into our higher selves and accessing a wealth of knowledge. If we are all technically "one", are we not then also all technically plugged into the same infinite knowledge as anyone else? I believe the answer to this is YES! You simply need a desire to tap in and learn.

I have no problem with spiritual people making a fair energy exchange with people for their services. I think they should ask for a fair exchange be it bartering or asking for money for what they are offering. You can often easily tell the difference between someone out to make a buck and only see a person as a dollar sign and those who genuinely CARE about empowering the people they come in touch with. The psychics who care often offer LOTS of advice via blogs. They really don't want you to become a regular client because they want to teach you how to connect with your crossed over loved ones and want you to go within and find the answers to your questions. Spiritual teachers who care don't want a disciple who follows them around like a puppy dog. They want their students to learn, graduate and go out and SHARE what they have learned. 

If this "shift" is really about shifting consciousness, then we need to be careful about how we are going about it. Spiritual Prostitution is not helpful.

Oneness and Eachness

Yesterday on Facebook, Dreamwork with Toko-pa posted a quote that was both a sync and incredibly meaningful to me. It resonates so much with me that I want to share it here on my blog so it doesn't get lost and I am able to find it again.

"Some people in the New Age, particularly those who have dabbled in Eastern practice, have swung with the pendulum of enatiadromia to a new extreme or one-sideness. They will monotonously insist on the oneness of everything no matter what is being discussed, and use this obvious reality as a way of leveling all difference, distinction and discernment. This point of view can be even more limiting than the tunnel vision of the reductive thinker, since at least the reductive thinker is still thinking about and investigating something, no matter how much they miss the infinite, interelated context of the something. This type of New Ager, however, takes oneness as a truism that relieves them of the need for thinking, discrimination and discernment and pulls oneness out of a hat, like the most tired of magician’s rabbits, whenever any issue requiring discernment appears. Recognizing that individuals or groups that are in conflict are part of the same oneness is crucial, but it is also crucial to recognize their individual differences and what sets them apart. The great American pioneer psychologist William James wrote more than a century ago that besides the oneness of things, anyone who glances at the phenomenal world should also be struck by the eachness of things. We see a world of unique individual trees and people, for example, and not an homogenous mass of treeness or undifferentiated pool of humanity. The dynamic paradoxicalist recognizes that there is both oneness and eachness, these are the two poles of the paradox that must be held in mind to understand both interrelation and individuality."

By Jonathan Zap

October 31, 1993

October 31, 1993.  My mom woke me at around 5 am central time. She was driving to work and heard the news on the radio about River dying. She turned around and came back to the house to tell me. I didn't believe her at first. I told her to stop saying that. It couldn't be true. When I saw the news, I burst into tears. I mourned the loss of River as though I had known him.

I Am Not This Body

Art by Christian Schloe

I Am Not This Body

Red lips, long flowing hair

They see a pretty face

But not the soul I bare

I am not this body

Dirty clothes, missing teeth

They pretend I don't exist

They can't see the soul beneath

I am not this body

Dried up limbs, wrinkled skin

Old and often forgotten

Timeless is the soul within

I am not this body

Overweight and out of breath

Lifestyle assumptions are made

They can't see the beauty and soul depth

I am not this body

This flesh, the blood and bones

A skin suit we put on like clothes

We step inside and gasp and groan

I am not this body

How could we forget what is true

We are light, color and sound

These roles we play are not me or you

I am not this body

Written October 12, 2014

By Oktobre Taylor