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| Art by Catrin Welz-Stein |
Right now, I hate you.
I dreamed of being in a car with other people. I was driving. I think it was my old black car. I made a turn and the car flipped over and on its roof. No one was hurt and I wondered if we would be able to turn the car back over together and keep going.
There was a dream where Inara had planned a surprise for me. She had hidden all of these Easter eggs for people to find and she wanted me to find them. A lot of the eggs were pretty obvious and easy to find so I told her I would leave them for the "littles" to find. "Littles" is what I call young children. I remember seeing pink as a main color in the room.
In another dream, I remember a party happening. I guess I am the one throwing it. I am dressed in costume and my face is painted red, white, and blue. My hair was red, white, and blue as well. I was wandering around and connected with this guy and we talked. It is vague and hard to remember details. I remember there being a fire behind the furnace, but outside of it. It was close to the house but the house was brick and the fire would burn out on it's own. I saw a small door open and close and ashes fell out. I recognized that someone at the front was using a mechanism to stoke the fire inside to keep it going.
The party seems over now and we were cleaning up. There was half of a giant avocado and inside the giant avocado is a small avocado. Someone is showing some specks as being an indication that it hadn't been completely ripe when it was cut open. I said I knew that but I didn't have any other choice but to use it anyway and make do with it. I mentioned that it didn't really taste bad at all and they agreed.
I am seeing the front of the house and with all the glass, it looks more like a store front than a residential house. There is a large movie poster in the front window by the door. I don't know what it said but remember the colors were red, yellow and orange. At one point, I would see it there and then not there. There was a sequence of this there and not there but I don't understand what this means.
Apparently there had been some delicious food brought to the party and it appears to be from a Chinese restaurant not far away. Attached to this restaurant was the apartment of the guy who had brought the food to the party. It feels like I had been in here before but I have come back and no one is here now. I feel tired and just want to rest. Most of my make up had worn off and the hair was revealed as a wig. The wig was askew and I took it off for the time. I was mostly bald under the wig with just a few patches of my my own hair growing in odd places. I turned on the radio to hear some music. I noticed a large egg on the floor. The shell had come apart in two pieces and it was revealed there was another complete shell. I decided to see what was inside and pulled the second shell apart only to discover all these layers of shells rather like nesting dolls. Several yolks popped out with the layers. When you touched the shells, they were fragile and crumbled.
The guy who lived there came back and I apologized, saying I was just needing a break and told him I could turn off the music if he didn't want to hear it. He said it was fine and smiled. He said I could stay if I wanted. I felt embarrassed that he saw me without my hair on and placed the wig back on. It wasn't placed well and I laughed, saying I looked like an alien now. I laid my head down on a pillow with a flannel pillow case that seemed like it was designed for kids and closed my eyes.
I vaguely recall being cautiously affectionate with someone I identify as an estranged partner.
Other parts might come back to me later.
I do remember eating some kind of coconut treat at the party.
I just remembered a bit that there was a digital voting device in the house and people were coming in and using it to vote. It had a screen with images that came up. After voting, new images came up on the screen.
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| Erwin Stoff and Keanu Reeves |
I dreamed a lot but I can only remember clearly some specific parts. I remember seeing some short white Jewish guy. There was some sort of organization he was part of. It feels like it isn't always an above board organization. There was some guy whose attention I was trying to get. I kept at it until he finally saw me, at which point, something happened. I can't remember the exact details, but now, all of a sudden something is said about someone getting their body back. I am seeing this tall black guy and apparently he was the one who got his body back from the short Jewish guy. I was like, "Wait. You're black?" The guy asked me, "Are you racist?" I said that I wasn't but was just confused because the guy who had control of the body before was a short Jewish guy.
It feels like big shifts and changes are taking place now that this guy has his body back and somehow it was because of me this had happened, but now it feels like I am being pushed out and ignored. I'm kind of shoved aside in some room where I am putting away and organizing some of his stuff. There's lots of details I know I'm missing here.
I woke up and went back to sleep.
Now I am in a garage with some kid about 12 or 13. I couldn't tell you if they were a boy or girl, just that they were young. There is some cleaning up and tidying that is happening in the garage as a result of the shifts. This kid wants to put a picture up of their mother in here but they are reluctant because they think they will get in trouble. I encourage the kid to just go ahead and put up the picture of their mother if they want and talk to her picture if it makes them feel better. There is no harm in that. The child says that they aren't supposed to talk to her anymore. I said, "As long as he is married to her, he has a child and he has to accept that."
The scene jumps and now there is something about needing milk and needing to go to the store to get some milk. Something is said, "Well why don't you just go across the street to target. It's right over there just across the street." There was some question as to if a person would have to go all the way around to get to the front of Target. It was shown that there was actually a narrow alley way straight through to target. But then there was some question, "Isn't the milk at target a lot more expensive?" I was seeing the price as $7 and whomever pointed out that it shouldn't matter because the convenience was worth the extra cost. You would pay more in gas to go to the other store.
Comments:
As I lay trying to understand what I had just seen, I surmised that the small Jewish guy who had taken over is about how Erwin Stoff's ideas and beliefs permeated Keanu so thoroughly that, in a way, a small Jewish guy had taken over his body. Those ideas and beliefs took control of his life as he repeated them over and over. Erwin Stoff's voice became a voice in his head telling him what to do. Erwin Stoff had over 30 years to instill his flawed ideas and beliefs into Keanu's head. Seeing the other guy take over his own body was seeing a side of Keanu we haven't seen before because he remained "in the dark" out of sight..hence the dark skin. The dark skin could also represent the dark Yin part of yin/yang.
The part about the child I was seeing it as someone who had married someone with a child and now has a child through marriage. Often I see children representing the inner child. In this case, somehow the inner child was being denied communication with his mother. Even just putting an image up of her and talking to it was forbidden. This seems to suggest the "father" is denying their inner child what they truly want.
Marriage can be about contracts we have with people, but also be about being energetically "married" to someone. The child can represent what is born between them both, but in this case, the child existed prior to the "marriage".
I will have to think about this further because I don't think I fully understand.
Am I the mother? I seem to be married to his energy when I keep dreaming about him and his life. It's very confusing because I have tried to cut cords so many times and yet I always end up back here dreaming about his life. Maybe I'm the one denying my inner child. I'm not sure.
The bit about getting milk from Target speaks to me about nourishment. Are we going to go out of our way for nourishment or are we going to travel straight through something to get to nourishment and go ahead and pay a little more? The signature colors of Target are red and white which speaks to me of root and crown chakra or root/masculine, or root/spirit.
I dreamed that I was helping my mom dye her hair a darker brown than her natural color. I kept instructing her not to touch it, but she kept doing things to mess with it. At one point she dried it off and I got really frustrated. I exclaimed, "Mom, what are you doing?! You can't wipe your head dry if you are trying to color it. Are you really that dumb that you can't understand that?!!" When her hair was finished, it didn't turn out how she had hoped. She said it was kind of flat and dull looking. I stated, "Of course it is because you wouldn't listen to me and leave it alone when I was putting the dye on."
Then I decided to dye my hair. I'm choosing to dye it a bright yellow to match the yellow dress I am wearing. I started to put it on but there is no tip and it just kind of poured onto my hair too fast. I asked Inara to get the tip for me so I could spread it better. At one point, I set the bottle down. It still had some left to put on, but was going to come back to it in a minute. But then, apparently, Inara had taken what was left before I could put it on my hair and used it on her own hair. I was very upset with her. I am angry and saying, "Are you serious? You used the rest of my dye? I never do anything for myself and you decided to take the last bits of my dye so I can't fully saturate my hair?! You dye your hair all the time and I never do that to you!" I moved to slap her but it feels like I can't actually put any force behind it so the impact didn't affect her. I tried again and it was the same.
The left side of my hair turned out a nice bright yellow, but the right side had residual purple tips from having been previously dyed purple on that side. I decided it would be okay and would just work with it.
I ended up in some Japanese salon where I am asking them to dye my eyebrows so that I don't look weird. While one guy is doing my eyebrows, another has come up and is massaging my hands. I start talking to the guy who is massaging my hands. He is quite attractive. He is half Caucasian and has blue eyes. I can't remember what was talked about but remember telling him I thought we should be friends and offered to connect on social media so we could stay in touch. I'm trying to show him pictures on my phone and apologize for the broken screen. I'm showing him some places I recently visited. One was of a man and a dog on a mountain or something similar. I noticed there were perfectly square little pieces of glass missing going diagonally from the right top corner down to the left bottom corner. As I am bringing up the photos, I'm noticing a pinkish hue on many of the new ones and am thinking my camera on my phone was fucked because it seems the white balance was off, giving all the photos a pink hue. I went back to see how many photos were like that and I was relieved it wasn't many. It was a relatively new thing.
The guy is saying how he would like to do some of the things I had been doing but never had anyone to do them with. I told him I would be happy to go with him hiking and whatnot.
Something is mentioned about him wanting to sing but someone else is saying that this guy has a horrible voice and no one should ever encourage him to sing.
The scene jumps and now we are in a car with the half Japanese, half Caucasian guy driving my car. I was sitting in the back seat behind the driver and there was some friend of his in the front seat. A call came through from the guy's brother and he is telling me that I shouldn't encourage his brother to sing because he is the worst singer ever. We got to a drive thru at a fast food restaurant and I am saying to the guy driving that I think it doesn't really matter how good or bad you are at singing as long as you enjoy doing it. I said, "As long as you are having fun, it doesn't really matter if you are good or bad at singing. You don't have to do it in front of anyone if you don't want to, but if you enjoy singing, you should sing." The window is open and the person leaning out the window to take our order is hearing what I am saying. As it turned out, it was Brad Pitt. He was at the drive thru to surprise people. He is agreeing with what I am saying. I said, "Oh hi! I know you! We once.." Brad finished my sentence saying, "...hung out together." I excitedly said, "yes! I can't believe you remember that!" The guy driving is having some negative reaction to my interaction with Brad and he starts to drive away from the restaurant, only Brad is clinging to the side of the car. The driver is speeding up and I am begging him to slow down saying, "Brad won't be able to hold on and he will get hurt." But instead of slowing down, the driver speeds up and Brad flies off the car and I see his left leg twisted backwards, knowing it is broken and he has been severely injured. I told the driver he has to go back and help Brad, but he doesn't turn around. I said, "That was Brad fucking Pitt you just injured. You are going to go to jail for this. They will find you. Please get out of my car now." But the driver ignored me and kept speeding along to a point in which there was rain coming down and high water in the road. "Please slow down. This isn't safe," I begged him as we drove in the high standing water. The car started having alarm bells sounding as we entered the high water. I woke up there.
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| Photo by Natalia Drepina |
I guess I feel more like, I have worked my ass off for 10 years spiritually. I have worked my ass off for 14 years raising my daughter, cooking cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, etc and often doing without because I'm very practical and feel guilty spending frivolously. I have done without while "my partner" is comfortable buying concert tickets and doing whatever entertainment he feels he wants without regard to the needs of his family. I feel like an indentured slave and like I have worked long and hard enough without pay that it is time for a big freaking wad of cash to drop out of the sky and into my lap.
I deserve a vacation life for all the work I have done.
As for my heart being open...I honestly think a lot of the experiences I have had over the last three years have caused my heart to close more, not open it. I feel damaged.
I obviously have no faith that the wad of cash will drop from the sky or I wouldn't be tweaking my résumé in order to get a job. Lol
I'm to the point where I'm kind of over the lessons. I don't want to be in school. I just want to live.
Maybe I will feel differently tomorrow or next week...but you know... spiritual burnout.
I'm asking...no, begging...for a partner who isn't a wall of silence anytime I say something. I want a partner who actually shows signs of hearing me and actively engages in dialogue with me.
While my dog was in surgery today, he sat pecking away at the computer, watching movies, and the space she left allowed me to realize just how lonely I feel without her and how devastated I'm going to be when she leaves me.
I sat anxious and worrying about how my dog was doing in surgery because it seemed to be taking longer than what they had said it would take. He couldn't even muster a grunt anytime I spoke to him, not even when I told him they had to extract most of her teeth.
Dear Universe,
Please help provide the means and opportunity for me to free myself from this "marriage" that feels more like a prison sentence than a partnership.
Sincerely,
Me
'What is the lesson in this?" I ask myself.
But sometimes the answers fail to come forward. Sometimes I'm blinded by my hurt feelings that eventually turn into burning rage. I couldn't stop crying for days. When I think too much about it, tears still well up in my eyes.
Of course my dreams were fraught with images that illustrated what has been going on internally. Last night I started to fall in a deep crevasse where a stream flowed down low. I didn't fall all the way down because I was given help by someone to get out of my precarious situation.
Mom had moved us all into a new apartment and I wasn't very happy about this new place. It seems we are having to share the space and our roommate has a keg in the kitchen and was allowing people to come into our apartment to get beer from the keg. The carpets in the new place were pretty gross but somehow I ended up facedown in the hallway sleeping.
At another point, I was wandering through the apartment complex and saw a section where it looked like they had been building but something happened causing a collapse. There was some sort of crane used for moving heavy material still hanging over the site and somehow I had gotten attached to it. It seemed it was magnetic and I had trouble breaking free, but I finally did. I cried, saying how much it had hurt me where it had held my hand. It felt like a burn. I walked through the interior of the the apartments that were near the collapse. It looked like an explosion had occurred and noticed oven doors blown off and the contents that had been baking (lasagna) were left inside, now abandoned. I thought it probably wasn't safe in there, so tried to find my way back out.
On a previous night, my Mom and brother, Thomas, and I were all going to Oregon together. Last night my brother and mother were once again with me and we were traveling together, only this time my brother turned up on a shiny silver motorcycle. Somehow he was giving both my mom and me a ride somewhere but in one section, he caught air because of the speed in which he was traveling. The bike flew up and we all released, allowing the bike to crash away from us. We each landed elsewhere but were okay. Thomas apologized.
Sometimes I feel rage about the pointlessness I feel after all the time and effort I have put into this journey and have nothing to show for my efforts.
No tribe.
No job I love.
No money.
No true love.
Wake up, Alice!
Except I can't wake from this dream...this nightmare that everyone else calls "life" and "reality".
I want to go home because this reality is bullshit.
I'm trying to hold on. I'm trying to find hope. I'm trying to find my inner light again, but it is dark here.
"When one door closes, a casket opens," I heard on the Simpsons while I did the dishes.
Is that my sign, Spirit?
I don't know if I should laugh or cry.
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| Photo by Magdalena Russocka |
I dreamed about traveling through an area and seeing all of these people building shelters. A lot of the structures appear to be made poorly and aren't very stable. They seem to be Hispanic. I guessed they were Mexican, I heard something about there being 20 camps having been built on the mountain. As I was passing through, some dudes drew guns on me, but eventually let me pass when they saw I wasn't a threat.
I ended up in what seems like a small town. At one point I found a small coin purse. It looked like it had been left out there for a long time. It felt like it had belonged to a little girl. I looked inside to see if I could find an ID. Inside was a single dollar bill and some little trinkets I identified as being part of Mexican tradition. There were some small circular leaves with a star shape in the center that emanated a pleasant scent.
There is some building we went into. I'm not sure who "we" are, just that I wasn't there alone. It is said to be haunted here and that was the big attraction. People came from all over to experience the spirit that was said to be very active here. Someone is telling me we need to go up to the next level to experience the spirit but apparently a lot of people were too afraid to go up there. The guy is asking me if I am wearing anything religious because, apparently, the spirit reacts violently to anything religious related. I looked down at the necklace I am wearing. It looked to be a large clear cut jewel in the shape of a teardrop. I said that I wasn't wearing anything religious related and then we made our way up to the upper floor.
It wasn't long before I felt an energy surround me and I felt it lift me up. I stayed calm while it happened and then I was put back down. When the spirit put me down, I was able to see he was an adolescent boy. His face was discolored like that of a dead person. He is talking to me and saying, "You see, I lifted you up. You probably can't see me because no one seems to be able to see, but they feel my energy when I do things."
I smiled at him and said, "I can see you perfectly now. I couldn't before, but after you held me, i could see you."
We continued to talk and I considered that people probably thought I was talking to myself because they couldn't see him. I kissed him gently on the lips and he sort of recoiled a bit. I told him, "don't worry, it isn't like that." And then I kissed him on the middle of the forehead and hugged him.
Now we are laying down and we are still talking. He doesn't want me to leave. I said, "Don't worry, I'm going to stay here with you because I know what it's like to feel lonely." For some reason my right breast is exposed and he moved to latch onto the nipple and suckle as a baby would. I was surprised when I saw milk flowing because I didn't think I had any left. I think I woke about there.
I think there was some in-between thing about Houston is where this spirit had called home.
I went back to sleep and dreamed that I was with my ex BFF. For some reason she is borrowing my phone which already has a broken screen. She is pressing too hard on the phone, causing it to snap and break in half. I was very upset about it because now I didn't have a way to communicate. I was cut off from everything because of it. I tried to see if I could stick it back together so I can retrieve some of the files, but the more I tried, the more it fell apart.
Next I seem to be with my dad in a vehicle. He lets mom out somewhere and starts driving off. I was concerned that he just left mom there but he said she would be fine and would meet back up with us later.
We ended up at a restaurant. It seems like a fairly nice restaurant and I was looking at the menu. Everything on the menu is fairly pricey, but I considered everything was more expensive in restaurants these days. I'm having trouble deciding what I want. One menu item was $20 dollars. I think it was the daily special. I think I ordered a bag of tortilla chips as an appetizer and they came in a red square bag. I set it aside and continued to try to decide. One of the staff says, "Get the old 63" I asked, "Is that a burger?" He said it was and I agreed that is what I would try then. I remember the price being $17.70. I noticed there were several menu items that were $17.70 and it seemed to be the lowest price on the menu.
When mom showed up at the restaurant, she had three bags of some sort of snacks in bags a similar shape and size as the tortillas, but different colors. We set them all in a stack on the floor under the table with the red tortilla bag on the bottom.
I woke up again and then went back to sleep where I dreamed about being in some city setting at night. I was wandering through an area and I catch a glimpse of something that interested me. It was jet black and looked to be grave related at first. I went closer to get a better look and what looked like a casket/mausoleum type thing I am now seeing has a musical instrument hidden inside. I'm looking around and see lots of other pianos here but this one was different. A guy turns up dressed very theatrically. He is wearing a hat, has a mask covering his eyes and has an old fashioned cape. He is getting ready to play this instrument that was hidden when he spots me present. He said, "I don't normally let people listen to me play, but I will allow you to, but I'm not responsible for what happens when you hear my music. People have a tendency to go a little crazy and fall in love with me." I am noticing that when he speaks you can see his teeth are more like that of a canine and now I am noticing his face doesn't look entirely human either. I told him not to worry and that I would love to hear him play.
As he played, I wandered away because Mahina was wandering away and I needed to make sure she didn't get lost. She went into a field of yellow buttercups. I thought she would pee and come right back, but she didn't. She wandered away even further, so I had to chase after her. I was calling to her when we ended up at someone's house/apartment that had stairs going down because it was set in a lower level. The people who lived there also had a dog that they let out to meet Mahina. It was small and black as well. I was surprised Mahina wasn't aggressive towards the other dog. I scooped her up in my arms and, for some reason, went inside this person's home. There was an older woman who lived inside as well. Apparently she isn't well. I'm hearing something about "punctured kidneys" but I am not entirely sure what that means. It feels like it isn't good and there isn't really a recovery from it. She says something dryly about not charging me this time for the recovery of my dog. It took me a minute to understand that she has a dry sense of humor. She was being funny. It's clear she doesn't feel well, but is doing the best she can.
I'm not sure if I was still with this family or somewhere else, but there was a weird scene where there was something about someone having cut out some testicles from these guys and I found it curious how they were basically all the same size. I think I asked if they would try to return them to whom they belonged to. I don't remember what was said. It seems some raw piece of meat slips out of my mouth onto the floor and I determined I would have to throw it away now.
Now I am back up at street level again. I have Mahina in my arms. The phantom of the opera/beauty and the beast type guy is coming out to the street in front of me away from the pianos, but he isn't alone now. I see a blindfolded young woman with long blonde hair in a long old style dress he is guiding out. He takes her blindfold off, she sees me and starts crying saying, "You promised me you would never let anyone in while I was playing. Why did you let him in?" I had some knowing that she was his sister. Maybe he said she was his sister, I just remember thinking about it was like Billie Eilish and her brother, Finneas, a musical brother and sister duo.
I explained that I had only just come up on them now and explained how my dog had run away and how I had to retrieve her.
I can't recall anything else right now.
Photo by Oliver Schmidt
Dream Journal Entry: April 7, 2022
I think I dreamed from within Dave Grohl last night. I have suspected this was happening, but I wasn't sure until the clues from last night. I have previously dreamed about Dave Grohl but not dreamed AS him.
In the dreams from last night, there was a female doctor, who I have apparently seen before for some ear problems. She is saying, "So you are going deaf. I agreed that it seemed I was losing my hearing. This is the part that was the clue about who I was seeing from inside. Apparently Dave Grohl has lost a lot of his hearing due to the loud music he is around a lot. I wouldn't register this fact until I woke and started thinking about it all.
The doctor wants me to come with her to her home for some reason. She is very concerned about my problem. At her home I meet her husband and son. Her son has ginger hair and it still young but not a baby. After a little while, other people arrived at her house and it feels like maybe we are watching something. Eventually, I need to leave and she gives me a 3 ring notebook that is apparently mine and my file about me and my condition, but somehow in the confusion with all the people, she handed me a second notebook that had actually belonged to her husband. I hadn't noticed either and simply made my way out and started walking.
I couldn't remember where I was or where I needed to go. It feels like I am in a city and there is a highschool letting out. The kids I see are all black teenagers. I started to head left hoping that none of them would give me any trouble, but one tall guy who doesn't actually look like he is in school notices me. I started to walk faster, but he easily caught up to me and took from me what I was holding. He didn't care about the notebook with my information and went straight for the the second notebook that belonged to the husband. Apparently what was being kept inside was baseball related...some sort of collectibles and what he had was valuable. The guy takes a handful of the papers/collectibles and leaves the rest on the ground. I collect the notebooks and kept going.
I remember seeing some sort of statues in front of a large building. It felt familiar, like I had been by there earlier, but I still had no idea which way I needed to go. I was wishing someone I knew who knew their was around was with me, but I was on my own and trying to figure it out.
It feels like I ended up at some mall where a movie was being shown that many people wanted to see, but not everyone could afford it. There were intricate displays related to the movie. It feels some of them were fairytale related but I can't remember specifically which fairytales. There was a smaller TV screen playing the movie outside in the theater lobby so that the people who couldn't afford to see the high-end high definition version could still see in in a lower quality. I lingered outside until I noticed a large group of people had gathered. I noticed that they were all sort of misfits and rebels.
The scene jumps and now I am seeing a boat and think "slow boat to china". It seems to have food on it. I was saying that I can't imagine I would want to be on that boat, but then all of a sudden, I am on that boat. The boat is taking a turn because another very large ship is about to hit us so we were trying to get out of the way. The boat was taking on water and starting to sink. I swam in the water until a police boat picked us up, but then the police boat started to sink as well. I eventually made it to the shore.
I'm trying to find my way to somewhere familiar but I am having to navigate through the docks and am walking through what seems like a warehouse. There are people being kept in here who had been caught by immigration trying to illegally immigrate via some of the boats. I noticed a woman in a cage with twins and then a Chinese woman is talking to me. She is crying and wants my help to get out of here. I told her I was sorry that I didn't know anything about illegal immigration, only the legal kind. I told her that I didn't think I could help her.
I think I woke up there.
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Comments:
In the dream, something valuable was taken from me but it didn't specifically belong to me. Water is about emotions and in the dream we could see that every boat was sinking.
Being that I know that Dave Grohl is grieving over the loss of Taylor Hawkins, it is easy to match the sinking boats with his feelings of being weighed down with grief. Even those wanting to come to rescue him were caught up in the same grief.
Dream Journal Entry: December 31, 2016
I had lots of dreams but can only remember bits. I remember hearing/seeing the name Foran in reference to a female.
Irish: reduced Anglicized form of Gaelic Ó Fuartháin ‘descendant of Fuarthán’, a personal name derived from fuar ‘cold’. (The word fuarán also means ‘spring’ or ‘pool’.) The form Fuarthán was understood as fuarathán ‘cold little ford’, and the name has thus sometimes been translated as Ford. See Forand.
I also remember dreaming about doing something with some tiny man and there was something about him invoking or channeling our ancestors. I told him I believed in him and what he was doing. It seems others thought he was crazy and not really doing anything. I remember holding him and telling him how much I loved him and I always would.
Then in another part there was a group of people I was with. One guy was exceptionally attractive. All the girls were into him and I was trying not to pay too much attention to him. We got on a bus and some of the other guys were in seats already and I elected not to sit with any of them and chose a seat on my own. The attractive guy walks by my seat and pauses and I told him to fuck off. LOL I didn't want him to know that I liked him, too. LOL I remember saying something about how he resembled Jason London. I couldn't recall what TV show he had been on and talked about his twin brother who sometimes filled in for him when he wasn't well. I don't really remember much else except a bit about a dog.
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| Art by Sophie Wilkins |
Last night I dreamed about going to see Jeff Hilliard at some performance, but I missed it. I did get to say hello, but I wasn't present for the event. Dreams often get weird and this one was no exception. The theme seemed to be about how what we have been taught to be afraid of, Satan and demons, was actually what we needed to move towards. I then saw some statue/monument that was of a mermaid but on closer inspection had all kinds of Satanic symbols on it.
I saw an image of religious figures, Mother Mary, Angels, etc., and had a sense they were keeping us away from what we really want. They were actually the keepers of the real hell which we were already in and trying to free ourselves from. I remember seeing these very high end vehicles driving up high along a balloon/bubble pathway to protect them from getting damaged. I considered this represented the wealthy and greedy who were sort of bubble wrapped and protected from the trials and tribulations most of the rest of the world experiences. I had the thought, "Those vehicles shouldn't even exist. That kind of greed shouldn't exist."
At times, it felt like I was trying to figure out which way to go and felt chased sometimes. I turned a corner, then pulled this plastic sheeting out from under a person following me, causing them fall to the ground and allowing me time to get away.
As I lay processing the dream, I thought to myself that this must be about someone's fears and thinking there is a division between heaven and hell, God and Satan...like they have to choose only one to follow. This is someone who still believes there is a side to take.
I started remembering various dreams where there were references to triangles and references to me being called "a bridge between worlds". There are repeating dreams with a reference to 3 parts to something.
I remembered my blog post about the brain being two parts and the corpus callosum is the rainbow bridge that brings those two parts together to communicate. One side of the brain is science, the other is our creativity. One side is all numbers and the other is all colors. One side is "just the facts, ma'am" and the other is faith based and believing the impossible is possible.
In my mind, heaven is "head" and hell, the underworld, is "heart". But here's the thing about head...it comes in two varieties. One is not inherently better than the other.
Maybe there is a three-way battle internally. If we see heart in this scenario as feminine and the two parts of the brain as two different suitors battling each other to gain favor of heart's affections, we can see how internal conflict can arise.
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| Art by Sophie Wilkins |
As I lay there visualizing this, I thought, "It's not about choosing one or the other, it's about creating communication between the two upper parts, integrating them as one thing and then working it out with heart.
It's good to be heart centered, but heart needs mind in order to be balanced and have discernment. They need each other.
I started seeing lines representing the connection that needs to take place as two lines from heart going up to left and right mind and then another line between left and right mind connecting them to each other. I saw a large triangular shape and thought, "The Holy Trinity."
I then remembered how the ancient Sumerian texts talk about a "love triangle" that took place between Ninmah and her two brothers, Enki and Enlil. One was said to be dark skinned and the other was said to be light skinned. The symbolism of the two brothers representing two different warring factions of mind jumped out at me. The three siblings easily could be seen as the three parts I have described.
Somehow the rainbow bridge was lost so that the two brothers didn't realize they were part of the same being and chaos ensued.
I think each of us are individually trying to bring our three parts together as one harmonious thing where creating effective internal communication is key to bringing peace and harmony.
As within, so without.
As above, so below.
Everything outside of us first starts within us.
We don't have to choose light or dark if we KNOW we are always both. Having a relationship with heart will help light and dark mind make loving choices that are for the highest good.
Change yourself to change the world.
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| Art by Sophie Wilkins |
