When Shadows Take Over

'What is the lesson in this?" I ask myself.

But sometimes the answers fail to come forward. Sometimes I'm blinded by my hurt feelings that eventually turn into burning rage. I couldn't stop crying for days. When I think too much about it, tears still well up in my eyes. 

Of course my dreams were fraught with images that illustrated what has been going on internally. Last night I started to fall in a deep crevasse where a stream flowed down low. I didn't fall all the way down because I was given help by someone to get out of my precarious situation.

Mom had moved us all into a new apartment and I wasn't very happy about this new place. It seems we are having to share the space and our roommate has a keg in the kitchen and was allowing people to come into our apartment to get beer from the keg. The carpets in the new place were pretty gross but somehow I ended up facedown in the hallway sleeping.

At another point, I was wandering through the apartment complex and saw a section where it looked like they had been building but something happened causing a collapse. There was some sort of crane used for moving heavy material still hanging over the site and somehow I had gotten attached to it. It seemed it was magnetic and I had trouble breaking free, but I finally did. I cried, saying how much it had hurt me where it had held my hand. It felt like a burn. I walked through the interior of the the apartments that were near the collapse. It looked like an explosion had occurred and noticed oven doors blown off and the contents that had been baking (lasagna) were left inside, now abandoned. I thought it probably wasn't safe in there, so tried to find my way back out.

On a previous night, my Mom and brother, Thomas, and I were all going to Oregon together. Last night my brother and mother were once again with me and we were traveling together, only this time my brother turned up on a shiny silver motorcycle. Somehow he was giving both my mom and me a ride somewhere but in one section, he caught air because of the speed in which he was traveling. The bike flew up and we all released, allowing the bike to crash away from us. We each landed elsewhere but were okay. Thomas apologized.

I'm not okay.

Sometimes I feel rage about the pointlessness I feel after all the time and effort I have put into this journey and have nothing to show for my efforts.

No tribe.

No job I love.

No money.

No true love.

Wake up, Alice!

Except I can't wake from this dream...this nightmare that everyone else calls "life" and "reality". 

I want to go home because this reality is bullshit.

I'm trying to hold on. I'm trying to find hope. I'm trying to find my inner light again, but it is dark here.

"When one door closes, a casket opens," I heard  on the Simpsons while I did the dishes.

Is that my sign, Spirit? 

I don't know if I should laugh or cry.