Inner Children, Balancing Masculine and Feminine

Art By William-Adolphe Bouguereau

I think I have come to realize something. I have flirted with the idea previously but it really took hold and solidified in my mind while talking with my friend, Lindsay, tonight.

I had a dream I previously posted where a young woman I came upon had two young children with her. She sends the boy along and keeps the girl child near. Someone asked me what that was all about. I stated then that, I suppose, since we are both masculine and feminine that it would stand to reason that we would also have two inner children...one of each polarity. But I didn't really pay much attention to what I had said.

Art by William-Adolphe Bouguereau

Tonight the topic came up again and this time it suddenly seemed so obvious that, of course, we have an inner child of both polarities and all of those times I dreamed about having a baby boy, it was really about rebirthing the inner masculine within me which I had long since killed off.

What people don't seem to understand is we have been wrong for so long about the nature of masculine. Masculine is represented by white which is light, positive, and the color of purity. White is soft, warm, gentle and kind. And someone who has an imbalance with too much masculine will seem quite weak and too soft. They are easily wounded and overly sensitive.

Art  by William-Adolphe Bouguereau

Feminine is represented by black which is also the shadow self, darkness, and negative. Too much of the feminine and they are ruthless, insensitive, hard and cold.

Art by Azaza Azunder

My imbalance was that I was all feminine. All of my softness and masculine were killed off as a means of survival in my childhood. My poor inner boy child was killed off and I lacked compassion and softness as a result. I was hard and cold. I often was accused of having no feelings. The truth is, I was very numb and felt very little for a long time. Even my inner feminine had died off. I was mostly dead inside. I think the literal birth of my daughter represents the rebirth of my inner feminine. When I see my daughter in dreams, I often think of her as representing my inner child. I just never realized there were supposed to be two.

Art by William-Adolphe Bouguereau

The baby boy I have dreamed of having over and over is my own inner masculine coming back to dwell within me. I am rebirthing him in me to create balance.

February 6, 2019 I remember something about people discussing gender and how they think that most people might actually be the opposite gender they really are inside. I agreed I thought that was possible. I paused and said, "But I am both. I know I am a hermaphrodite." Internally I knew I was a hermaphrodite....not on a physical level but on a soul level. It felt like the others only had a single alternate gender inside.. opposite of what their external was physically.

I think one of our goals is to achieve internal hermaphrodite status. The Sacred Hermaphrodite represents the ultimate balance and integration.

February 27, 2019 I dreamed about a lion. He was in my house and I was somehow responsible for him now. I was making some mixture of food. It was almost like a dough because it stuck together. The lion seemed to indicate he wanted this so I fed it to him carefully. I remember something about the fridge and how when you closed the door, part of it on the left was still open and the light stayed on. Others came in and I cautioned them because I wasn't sure how he would behave around other people. He allowed me to pet him but I was cautious about how and where I pet him.  I was still getting to know him.  

I remember a bit about agreeing to marry someone whose partner hadn't turned up. I became married to him within that tiny bit of dream. 

Just before I woke I heard, "He sacrificed her for you." I then saw a sword stab and go through all the pages of an open book. I couldn't tell you what kind of book it was, just that it was thick and had calligraphy style writing on it. And at that point I heard, "Mary, a boy child will to be born to you..."

Art by William-Adolphe Bouguereau

Have you been dreaming about having a baby girl or baby boy?

What parts of you do you need to bring back to life?

Are you too soft or too hard?

What needs to be balanced within you?

When Science Marries Spirituality



Illustration by Kay Nielson

I know I talk a lot about balance, but I seriously didn't see this one coming.

I mean, duh, the biblical creation story is actually a biology lesson. It should have been obvious to me but I was so steeped in the spiritual angle and implications, that I was missing the science.

Having this new information is making my head spin because I am thinking about so many dreams and how there were all of these biology references all along...I just didn't know it.

One time I dreamed about a woman who was a seamstress. She was tired and her work was getting sloppy. There were mistakes. This is obviously a reference to DNA having issues and it was creating mistakes in the skin suits being created.

In the same dream, I got accidentally sent to a recycling center. I escaped the recycling center. Could I have been playing the role of abnormal DNA or a mutation that was scheduled for recycling but I escaped?

In another dream I tell a boy who I raised that he is not my own creation, but I felt he deserved a chance at having a life. In the dream I said that he could be used as a weapon and people feared him. Whoever had him could use him to destroy their enemies. I told him that just because that was what he was intended for doesn't mean that is how his story has to end.  Could this be some gene mutation? Could it have been pointing to genetic engineering similar to what is described happened in Atlantis?

Art by Kay Nielson

Think about it, the 12 disciples are part of a DNA strand. Their job is to spread the word (code) from their two mentors...mother and father. And what do we know about life, matter and the flower of life? It acts like a fractal and can be seen duplicating the same pattern over and over again in different ways. For instance, it is Right Brain that is considered feminine but controls the left side while the Left Brain controls the right side. Basically a twist happens, rather like a DNA strand.

I have dreamed about someone whose zoo all have abnormalities and deformaties. When I say "zoo" it is the animals that show up representing them.

I am still trying to figure all of this shit out and I know I still am not there yet. There are flaws and holes, but I keep trying and I definitely feel like I am getting closer. There are layers of messages in dreams and each time you peel away a layer and get a new clue, you can see something completely different.

I definitely still believe we are experiencing this in a virtual reality, but why? What are we doing? Is it like the movie "Inner Space" where we go inside and do some repairs on someone? Is it simply just kind of like a medical school VR game? This shit is hard.

I still don't really know what I need to do to complete.

What if the simulation we are participating in is about to double? What if it is moving from 2 cells (duality) to becoming four cells? What would that look like?

Truly, this is a random musing to empty my head a little so I can sleep. It is also for all two of you who actually read me. 😂 Okay, I suppose I am exaggerating. It is more like 5 if I include my mom. Lol

Sacred Marriage and the Flower of Life

Art by Laurie Lipton

Moon & Sun
Water & Fire
Feminine & Masculine
Dark & Light
Right & Left
Egg & Sperm

Art by Johfra Bosschart

Atom & Lilith; Atom, Lilith, Eve & Lucifer; Pizza 😀 aka Cell Division aka The Flower of Life

1 + 1 = 3

Mother + Father = Child

Heart + Mind = Soul

Emotions + Logic = Consciousness

Any questions?

Heaven and Hell; As Above, So Below

Art by Beth Conklin

Would it surprise you to learn that heaven and hell are within you?

How would you feel if you knew what we refer to as "Hell" and the "Underworld" are actually the Heart kingdom and Heaven is the Higher Mind?

I had a dream yesterday that led me down another rabbit hole that has proven enlightening.

March 20, 2019 The main bits of my dreams I remember were about Brad Pitt.  

There was a scene where I was following someone and they got too far away and I couldn't tell where they went. I got really upset and started crying because I felt lost and didn't know how I would find them again. 

I was in a house at one point. It is where Brad lives with his wife. There are other people here and people, of course, are hoping to meet him. I don't remember wishing for this myself, but simply being aware that other people desire his time. I ended up on the front porch with him somehow and we are just chatting. I can't remember about what. I just remember he liked how I treated him like I would anyone else. I wasn't extra nice and didn't behave differently with him than I would with anyone else i had just met.  

I got called inside for some reason. I was fiddling with some portable radio and trying to change the station but accidentally changed the clock time instead. My uncle Lyndell showed up and it turns out to be his radio. I apologized and told him he will likely have to change the clock back. There was music playing and I hoped that it wouldn't agitate him too much. I don't remember much else about that.  

Later, Brad's wife is saying she would like to spend some alone time with her husband in the walk-in pantry and I thought people should be understanding of this...that it is only natural that they want to spend time alone together. 

I think I started to come out of sleep but before I was all the way out, I saw the words HERO CARD appear in the sky. There was a heart below the D. I was processing what I had just seen and trying to understand what it meant. 

I obviously drifted back to sleep because now I am in the back seat of a car on the passenger's side. I am seeing the car from above at times and it is moving along some gravel like road next to train tracks and we seem to be moving quite fast. I hear myself saying, "Wayne, can you please slow down and not drive so carelessly?" I open my eyes and look and it is actually my father who is driving. I apologized and said I thought it was my younger brother driving and stated that I must have fallen asleep. Brad Pitt is in the front passenger seat. I reach out and touch the skin of his neck tenderly. He reached up and touched my hand gently, as if to say he welcomed the connection. I have some sense of being in Virginia and I can't say why. As Brad and I touched from our positions, I remember thinking about how much time he spends away from home and how his work was a big part of his life, so watching his work was like sharing that time and that part of his life because he had put so much into it. I considered I should probably watch his movies. Something is said about Barbara Wawa. At first I think they are talking about me because my first name is Barbara. Everyone calls me by my middle name. it is repeated... "Barbara Wawa" and now I am seeing Barbara Walters in my head. I start talking about how I don't agree with her views, then corrected myself, admitting that it was actually just her overall that I didn't like.. all of her views and opinions. 

As I started to wake, I considered that Barbara Walters represents the old version of myself that I no longer am. I was saying that I really don't like that old version of myself.

Privately, I discussed with two of my friends what some of the symbolism could mean. Lindsay pointed out that "Virginia is for Lovers" which reminded me that Dave Grohl is from there. He resembles my player Blue, which makes the association significant.

Art by Beth Conklin

I mentioned to my Algerian friend that I think, because Brad in his younger years was blonde haired and blue eyed, he represents a lighter side of self. The wife wanting to spend time alone with him in the pantry represents a need to be alone with self and to go within for a little while. People aren't always understanding of those who need to retreat for a little while and be alone. But we are able to do a lot of inner work and regrouping during those times. I tend to feel a flee response when I don't get to have any alone time.

I mentioned to Lindsay that I thought, perhaps, being in the back seat could represent Heart. Heart was reaching up to Higher Mind and connecting on a more intimate level. This train of thought snowballed into another diagram. Maybe one day I can hire a graphic artist to illustrate my thoughts for me. For now, my kindergarten art will have to do.

I didn't know where it was heading when I first started making it but when I was done, I was in awe. So many symbols I dream about regularly finally make sense to me seeing it together in this diagram.

What surprised me is that Lucifer, who has gotten a really bad reputation, is actually Eve's correct partner and God of the Heart...aka the Underworld because in the human body it is below the brain. The balance was thrown when she ran off with Adam and partook of the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge.

November 13, 2018 I heard, "It has to be snakes of two different colors. Two of the same would just kill you. They have to be different." I then saw three huge footballs and then saw a man surprising people somewhere. He was startling them with funny things and I am seeing some people give different fruits by tossing it into this huge clear umbrella like thing he was holding.

Based on my diagram, Adam and Eve would be considered snakes of the same color and their union had disastrous results. They were cast out of the Garden of Eden, which is actually that center point of perfect balance. Head and Heart were joined, but now there were two opposing sides. The crossroads at the center point could look like an "X marks the spot" or a cross.  I estimate that center point between Higher Mind and Heart is where Throat chakra meets the Third Eye right about at the nose...which now helps me understand a recent dream about Daniel Radcliff making out with his girlfriend's nose. Lol

"I embrace my shadow self "by Beth Conklin

Left Cain killed Right Able throwing things further off balance and we fell into darkness being more prominent than light.

Masculine and Feminine don't come into play because light and dark are equal parts both feminine and masculine. Yin and Yang is actually inaccurate in that it says one color is masculine while the other feminine. Both colors are actually both masculine and feminine, just as both sides of the brain perform masculine and feminine functions as do both sides of the heart. Only the physical form gives the illusion of being a single gender, which is really about input and output and reproduction. We all are capable of listening (input) and speaking (output). We all are capable of giving (output) to others and receiving (input) when we are in need.

Asking if someone is light or dark or balanced is definitely more significant than the illusion that is gender.

Art by Beth Conklin

I dream a lot about Christmas and Christmas trees. I believe fully that this is a reference to Higher Mind. I now understand that all of the oak tree references were actually about Heart, which I had no understanding of until today.

November 14, 2014 Then just before i woke, I think it was K that was there and I was cutting large paper with scissors when he came up. He commented on what I was cutting and I think he called it a pumpkin. I said, no, that it was an apple. He said it wasn't the right color. I assured him it would be when I was done. I was cutting away and down on the bottom I was creating two hearts that were attached to the apple. I was busy shaping them and making them look like I wanted. I think K expressed sadness or something because I stopped what I was doing and said, "Come here. Let me hug you." And he agreed that might be nice. I hugged him for a while and then he pulls away a little and starts kissing me. That is where I woke up.

Apples and Acorns represent Heart and Pomegranates and Pine Cones represent Higher Mind. The symbols actually resemble what they represent. The inside of a pomegranate looks similar to a brain and an apple can be heart shaped. A pineal gland is shaped like a pine cone and is the antenna that receives information from Higher Mind.

I guess what I have learned today is that there are bits and pieces of clues everywhere, the problem is that no one has gotten it completely right yet. If anyone had gotten it right yet, this reality wouldn't still be so out of balance. I am trying to find the errors and correct them so that we fully understand what we need to be doing on an internal level and then be able to bring it forward as an external manifestation.

As above (Higher Mind), so below (Heart).

As within (internal reality), so without (external reality).

Are your internal couples with the wrong partners?

Are you still divided and believe there are sides to take?

The Heart couple still needs to have a healthy relationship with the Higher Mind couple. The four need to develop their communication skills and become a harmonious balanced team.

Hermaphrodites, Internal Population, 11:11 Explained

陈思（dtjun)

"I knew I was a grain of sand in the vast desert that never ended and he was a sparkling star in the sky. I was a fish who couldn’t breathe in air and had to stay in dark waters forever while he was a majestic bird who soared so high that he barely touched the ground. I did not deserve him. I could only watch him from down here and wish, wish that he could come here someday. That he could know that I existed. But for that, he had to fall. He had to drop to the ground but I could not let that happen. And then I thought, birds are meant to fly and stars are meant to shine and if someone takes it away from them, they can't be the same anymore. So, I just prayed that his wings never fail him, that the star never explodes. And I was at peace."

Aleena Yasin

I'm a hermaphrodite....and so are you.

Not externally, but internally. Let me explain

The brain is split in two obvious sections...left and right. In symbolism we assign "masculine" to "right" and "feminine" to "left", but, in actuality, each side is a hermaphrodite. We can see them as a married hermaphrodite couple.

We tend to think of masculine function as output and giving and feminine as receiving and intake. Each side of the brain performs both functions, therefore they are technically hermaphrodites. They are not one or the other but both simultaneously.

The same is true for the heart. Again, both sides of the heart performs both intake and outtake functions. They take in blood and send it back out, therefore, making the heart a set of hermaphrodites. The left and right parts of the heart can be seen as a married hermaphrodite couple.

Let's call the brain couple King and Queen of the North Pole and the heart couple King and Queen of the South Pole. Those in the North have wings and fly, while those in the south are amphibious. Both sets wanted to claim they were the sole rulers of the entire kingdom and so a great battle began.

A curious thing happened. One day, by chance, the Queen of the North met the King of the South and they started having a torrid affair. The affair went on for quite some time until they decided it was time to announce to their partners that they intended to be together. Naturally, there was a lot of anger and feelings of betrayal as a result. The partners didn't want to let them be together.... until the betrayed partners met each other and fell in love as well.

Basically, what needs to happen is the couple who rule the brain need to have an intimate relationship with the couple who rule the heart to create communication, balance, and harmony within the individual.

The King of the North (right brian) needs to marry the Queen of South (left heart). The Queen of the North (left brain) needs to marry the King of South (right heart). Those relationships create the shape of an 8 or infinity sign. It creates a flow between head and heart.

All four need to rule equally together as a team.

My rough illustration of 2 sets of 4 columns, each in an 8 partnership

I had a dream once where there were four columns on one side of a campus and four columns opposite on the other side of campus. At first I thought that the four on one side represented a person and the four on the other side represented a different person. I recently came to understand that this is not the case. The columns on one side represent two minds and the columns on the other side represent two hearts. Remember, in each of us we have a set for mind and a set for heart. What I was seeing were the rulers for two different people who are attending the same school and are at the same place in our learning. We are at the same level of understanding. If we were to draw our energy flow around the columns, we would see 88 as is shown in the above illustration.

Do you see it?

11:11 and 11:11

The Twin Flames that people are so gaga over are actually within self. It is the joining of the two sets so that the energy flow is optimal. It is only when we become an 11:11 within an 8 energy flow that we can draw to us another 11;11 within an 8. I don't think there is one single person you share a soul with who you are destined to be with. It is about where you are at in your growth and where your frequency is at that will determine what level of person you will draw into your orbit. Someone who is not an 11:11 within an 8 will not be able to to attract someone who is already there. You can't pick up a FM radio station on an AM bandwidth.

Today I spent time studying about piano keys. I can't even remember why I set off in that direction, but it proved to be a fruitful direction of exploration. I created another Illustration to be able to see my thoughts as a visual.

Lately in dreams when asked how old I am, I tell whomever is asking that I am 42. I found this curious since I am actually 50 in my waking state. The standard piano has 88 keys. There are 7 octaves on an 88 key piano which I found curious since there are also 7 primary chakras. I discovered that key number 42 is the 4th octave which makes it D4. It would be the heart chakra octave and near the middle. We often say we are trying to find our center when we are seeking balance. I think stating I am 42 might suggest, in those time periods when I dream it, that I have found my center and am fairly well balanced.

Internal Population

As within, so without.

We all have an internal population and you too might be dreaming about your internal population the way I often do. I also visit people while I dream and interact with their internal population. Sometimes there are casualties and some of our population is killed off due to trauma and heartbreak. One person I visited had an internal population where everyone was dead. They were basically spirits. How many times have you heard the saying "dead inside"? Some people really are quite dead inside.

It doesn't have to remain that way.

As we grow and change, as we discard former versions of ourselves that no longer serve our highest good, we can actually birth a new version of ourselves. My biggest issues have been heart chakra related, but I had a number of casualties who needed to be reborn. With each internal issue I have confronted and dealt with, it is like hiring a new cast to play the different roles for the different chakras. And when all of the roles are filled and lined up on stage, we light up and come back to life too. Health issues dissolve and disappear as if by magic when we are actively tending our internal garden.

I'm not entirely healed yet, but I am definitely better than I was and have started to notice some differences in my overall health.

How are your internal population faring?

Do you need to rebirth parts of yourself to fill all the roles?

Have your mind couple connected intimately yet with your heart couple?

Triple Social Media Outage Symbolism

Akita mani yo...

...Lakota for "observe everything as you go". I live my life by this phrase and use it a lot.

My Facebook friend, Christin, asked today:

"Why was the Facebook interwebz so broken yesterday?  =)"

I have actually given this topic a lot of thought because, as many of you know, I believe messages are around us in everything and we can read the happenings of our lives exactly as we might a dream.

My response to her was this:

"Since everything is symbolism to me, I feel it represents a major shift into a different reality. There has been discussion about Instagram, Facebook, and WhatsApp merging their chat platforms into one and all three were experiencing outages yesterday. I think there is also a merging of realities happening as well. Three story arcs becoming one."

After my initial comment, my mind kept processing and expanding on those thoughts, therefore I knew a blog post would probably be the result of those ruminations.

Social media, in general, is ALL about communication. So, symbolically, communication is the glue that binds and brings three to be one. It is only natural that there will be some little hiccups along the way as we bring them together as one.

As within, so without.

If what we see outside of us first starts within us, what does this mean is happening internally within us?

I believe it is the Holy Trinity coming into balance within us. It is bringing our poles together to be one being and then create something new. It is the Vesica Piscis which is two circles that join. The meeting point where they overlap is where something new is created as a result. That is why, when we talk about sacred marriage, one plus one equals three.

Father + Mother = Child
Head + Heart = Soul
Thinking + Feeling = Knowing
Seeing + Hearing = Speaking
Right + Left = Center

Effective non-blaming communication is the essential glue that binds them together in order to work together. When head and heart learn to communicate effectively and work together, they can then become something new in their balanced state.

Isaiah 11:6 New King James Version (NKJV)

6 “The wolf also shall dwell with the lamb, The leopard shall lie down with the young goat, The calf and the young lion and the fatling together; And a little child shall lead them.

Anyone who has embarked upon a journey back to self can tell you how difficult it can be as we learn to communicate with ourselves in a new way so that our internal dialogue helps us rather than hinders us. Multiple versions of our old selves burn away. The more we learn to communicate better between head and heart and not allow one more power than the other, the easier it is to bring that to the external and communicate more effectively with others.

The above passage from Isaiah is ALL about bringing those internal poles together as a harmonious team. When the sacred marriage between head and heart takes place, we are internally reborn into the child of that sacred union. That is why a child shall lead them. When we transform, three becomes one harmonious being where effective communication becomes second nature.

***All images are from: Splendor Solis (an alchemical treatise) circa 1582 by Salomon Trismosin. 

Dream Journal Entry: Loving the Darkness

The Storm by Pierre-Auguste Cot

Dream Journal Entry: September 4, 2018

I had some intense dreams last night. The first dreams I only remember repeatedly seeing two energies coming together and kept hearing Loa and Loa. I remembered that this a a term in voodoo for their Gods. I saw one energy as very dark and one very light. One was blue and white and the other blackness. I heard something about heaven and Earth coming together to create something new.

I woke, saw some pictures my friend sent to me Shanghai, replied and then went back to sleep.

When I went back to sleep, I found myself traveling to Shanghai to meet my mom. I was surprised that it seemed like all the people in her building were English speaking and none were actually from Shanghai. I think I wasn't going to be there long, which I thought was odd to come all that way only to spend the the night there. I remember seeing actual corn stalks growing inside by a window. I thought it was curious how this could be possible. There was no soil. There were, apparently, some odd occurrences happening there. I was being told about them and they were rather dark things that were happening. All of a sudden, the electricity went out and I knew that meant some huge dark energy was coming. I had deja Vu in the dream and remembered how this had just happened in my waking state...the power going out. I braced myself for what was coming. I knew the things I would see would probably be unpleasant. At one point I saw human body parts hanging from inside a large old wood burning stove. I then saw a blue balloon and inside was the severed foot of my dog and I see the rest of her is inside the balloon as well. I am upset by this and am asking if she was dead. I heard she was an animated dead thing. She was still moving. I stopped and said that I didn't want to see this, that it needed to stop and I pushed open a set of red doors that led outside in an attempt to wake up out of the dream. Other people were outside too looking around in the darkness. I started to wake but quickly drifted back to sleep.

I am back at this place in Shanghai, but now I am outside the building and I am asking what this was all about and I have this sense that this darkness simply needed more love. I had a sense that with my love, the darkness could balance and make different choices. And that is what I said to the darkness, the entity that was there looming, "You don't have to do this. You have taken it too far but you can make different choices. There is a place for you and darkness can be beautiful and help make us better people, but you have to make that choice." And I remember thinking, "I am strong enough to love you and help you understand your own value. I am strong enough to help you come into balance."

Later I saw something about a TV out in a barn and how there was some control being implemented through the programming but I am not sure by what or whom. And in another scene I am seeing something being put into a cylindrical opening in the top back of the head. It looks like wheat or straw and it looks like it is being taken in and ground up and these "people" seemed like both spiritual and religious "people" and were feeding those gathered around them information. I can't remember anything else.