Dream Symbolism, River and Keanu

Photo by Alexander Prischepov

The below is a response to someone who was asking what I saw in their dream at a message forum. The response was getting so long that I thought it best to make it it's its own blog post.

Re: dream symbolism

This feels like bait on a giant fucking hook, but I will bite anyway and try to see what I see in it.

My mind has been preoccupied with trying to understand something from my own previous dreams. When I talked about River's feelings for Keanu, it caused me to go down an internal rabbit hole of sorts. The dream I had where a trailer the shape of Florida had been ordered locked by a court but then because of something I had done, it was allowed to be opened. The spirits inside were free to leave. I wonder now if that represented Keanu's feelings for River being on lockdown and he tried as much as he could to forget about their time together.

You see, what I feel about River is that he and I are basically the same person. Not twin flame fuckery which is mostly bullshit, but siblings, family. I'm like a magic fucking school bus for wayward spirits who died too soon. They get on my bus and I work through all of the karmic bullshitt with them they didn't complete. In turn, they help guide me in my dreams. It is how I ended up on a Scooby Doo murder mystery with Kurt Cobain.

I don't understand everything yet but they tell me that Keanu has information that will make everything make sense...it is just, he isn't divulging and I am growing bored trying to pry the lid off his can of beans.

Message Board Member's Dream:

Is Owl here?
I just woke up from a strange dream and was wondering if it has any meaning. 

I dreamt that I was talking to Keanu in some cafeteria and leafing through some documents he had on the table on some stalker. I was trying to analyze the documents to help him..
Then it was hard for me to hear him so he came close to my ear to speak. My hair was in a ponytail and he comments my ear is dirty, I was embarrassed took down my ponytail and told him I had not washed my hair for a couple of days. I told him I lost weight in my stomach area and he proceeded to press his had on different areas of my stomach to see the weight loss. 

After a while at the table sitting with us was the queen of England all friendly and casual talking with us. I also saw I was wearing a watch upside down, and commented to him that I’m wearing the wrong watch.
02/27, 05:54:36

Symbolism:

Cafeterias are where we eat and what we "eat" is everything that is coming into us from others and the environment we choose to put ourselves in. Cafeteria food is often thought to be subpar. You only eat it if you have to which could be why you were in the cafeteria setting.

What does Keanu represent to you? The first rule of dreams is that everyone in a dream is an aspect of self. You can go deeper into the layers of meaning, but this is where I go for the first layer. For me, Keanu is a pain in my asss. He is a black walnut which is practically impossible to break into to bring out the meat. It will always come out in pieces. I don't think I have ever seen a whole black walnut half before. He represents my guarded heart.

The way we word things often has meaning as well. You say "leafing through" and I automatically see a tree with leaves. Leaves are designed to give nourishment to the tree. In a family tree, the leaves represent people we are connected to. So you were, perhaps, browsing internally information about you and what makes you you.

The documents were on a stalker. How are you being a stalker to whatever Keanu represents to you? Stalking could also be seen as closely observing some part of self. You couldn't hear him. For me this scene would represent me not being able to hear my own heart and what it is trying to tell me.

The hair being in a ponytail and then letting it down. You were uptight (like the hair was up tight in a ponytail) about something but something your heart (using my symbolic meaning of Keanu) whispered to you caused you to smile and relax some. You feel self-conscious but are being honest about the hair.

Hair is often a source of confidence, pride and identity. In the Bible Samson's hair was cut and it made him weak... meaning it gave him confidence and without it he felt self-conscious. In Game of Thrones, Cersei Lannister's hair was cut as a means to shame her and strip her naked of vanity.

Weight can be all kinds of things. In the dream it is about weight from your solar plexus chakra region. You have obviously been doing something that has helped you to coming into more balance with this chakra. Like with the hair, it is likely partially about self esteem as the theme repeats within the dream.

With my idea of what Keanu represents, for me this would represent my heart reaching down and touching my solar Plexus Chakra giving it love and attention.

Solar Plexus Chakra
Location: between navel and solar plexus
Basic issues, power, self-esteem, strength
Color: yellow
Mantra: Ram
If balanced you feel:
energy, strength, confidence, strong will, mental balance, health, confidence, active
If unbalanced you feel:
guilty, lack of energy, weakness, allergy, fatigue, low self-esteem, worthlessness, digestion and liver problems

What does the Queen of England represent to you? In chess, the Queen is your most valuable and powerful piece...not that I play chess. Lol But basically if I were to see a queen in my dream, I would see her as a representation of the feminine part of higher self and communicating with that higher part of self.

We say, "What do they bring to the table?" These people are with you at the table. What do those parts of self bring to the table, to you for you to use as food and fuel to move you forward.

The watch being turned upside down is a little tricky for me to decipher.

Turning time upside down. Hmmmmm.

I will tell you what I am seeing but maybe there is some other meaning that will come to me later. What I am seeing is the chart I made for which way chakras should spin. The way I figured it out was to basically imagine the the human like the Earth. We know the top hemisphere the water in toilets flows clockwise. In the southern hemisphere, the water in toilets flows counter clockwise. So I started clockwise at the crown. The heart is split. It is the equator and has two different spins. In order to figure out the bottom chakra spins, I thought, "As above, so below" and turned everything upside down. So now from the perspective of the Southern hemisphere, Root is the top...but to us is bottom. As above so below is often illustrated with a tree and its roots looking the same as what is above ground.

Perhaps the watch was showing you turning things around and flipping the perspective so that now the queen who wears the crown is running the show instead of the root Chakra.

I hope that helps. Let me know if you have any questions.

Achieving Sacred Union

A lot of people who embark upon a spiritual journey start out in relationships. Often those relationships fall away due to the growth and change of one partner and the other not growing with them. The spiritual journey often leads to the destruction of the current relationship because who we were when we chose those partners dies and that layer of us falls away.

The spiritual community are big on promoting sacred union with your twin flame and for awhile, we look for some perfect partner that many believe is their other half of them.

If you have been on the spiritual journey long enough, you will hear people repeat over and over that separation with your divine counterpart is an illusion. Another common thing you hear is about focusing on the sacred union between our own inner masculine and feminine. Logically, I have always nodded and agreed but I didn't fully taste, feel and grasp it as something tangible. It was just this idea that was repeated.

I totally get that I am both masculine and feminine but my internal masculine didn't have shape or form that I could articulate and hold onto and so I was always looking outside myself for my sacred partner.

I think I have made a new breakthrough, recently, where I understand things I didn't before. My inner masculine had died long ago and was a spirit following me around hoping I would one day let him back in. I was operating from mostly distorted feminine energy. So it is no surprise that the partner I would choose prior to my spiritual awakening would be someone operating in distorted masculine energy. I chose someone who would say negative things about me because that is how I spoke to myself inside.

Recently, I was telling someone that our partner choices are a reflection of our own inner feminine or masculine and, if you don't like that partner very much anymore, you need to look inside and figure out how your own internal partner needs to change.

Guess what?

I have something exciting to tell you!

We get to build and design our perfect counterpart WITHIN OURSELVES. We get to become whatever we choose along the way as we grow and expand. I have only just realized that I have been doing this all along but simply didn't know that is what I was doing until now.

Each time I would be guided to a person and wonder, "Are you my partner?" I would explore the person and discover the qualities I admired and respected and I would absorb those qualities into the masculine I was building inside of me.

I was creating a Frankenstein creature of sorts because I took different parts from many to build a new masculine within me.

My inner masculine possesses Brandon Lee's poetic expression, charm, protectiveness, and loyalty; Dave Grohl's sense of humor; Deryck Whibley's perseverance; River Phoenix's sense of doing what is right for the whole, taking a stand for what he believes, and taking a more natural approach to living; Kurt Cobain's sensitivity and ability to infuse emotion into his creations; Laura Jane Grace's honesty, vulnerability and fearlessness to step into who she really is openly; Keanu Reeves' ability to not take himself too seriously and not take everything personally.

I am sure more and more desired qualities will be added to the "him" within me as I meet people who have qualities we admire and want to assimilate.

Now, why do you suppose all of this is important?

Know thy self.

As within, so without.

If you are hoping to eventually experience an external manifestation of the internal masculine or feminine you have created, it is pretty important to know your own inner masculine and feminine very well so that when you are faced with a masculine or feminine and are wondering if they are that manifestation, you can do a check list to see if inner and outer are lining up.

If you are finding the inner and outer aren't lining up, it is likely the outer is a lesson. If you truly love your inner you, you will let the outer person go as partner potential. We have to love ourselves and not to settle. We should never go into any relationship hoping to change someone. If they aren't matching up with our internal masculine or feminine, don't take that path that will only lead to misery and heartache.

I'm not saying someone who doesn't match up right now can't match up later. I am saying, don't linger on someone we hope will eventually change because that isn't honoring and loving to us or them. By all means, be a friend, get the lessons they hold, but, ultimately, we need to know ourselves well enough to not settle and wait indefinitely. Clear our heart, mind and path so that the outer manifestation of our internal partner can make their way to us. Let go of what doesn't serve our highest good so that what is trying to reach us can make it to us unimpeded.

What I know for sure is that my internal masculine and feminine communicate very well. He is not deceptive and doesn't play games. He has integrity, is open, honest, courageous, and expressive in his love and anyone that isn't like that will never make it into the inner sanctuary of our heart space.

If The Shoe Fits

Illustration by Aina Stenberg-Masolle

I have spent time in a place that shall not be named. I think it is safe to say it resembled my own personal hell of sorts. I think that is what the ringmaster wanted it to be.

Unbeknownst to most of the people who visit this place, it is a playground for a sadistic person who uses it to poke and prod to see if he can push buttons and trigger people. False narrative is interjected just to see what people will do and how they will react. He gets a kick out of pitting people against each other.

Make no mistake, he is the only male amongst a room full of women. It is why I often dream of him being a cat hoarder. He collects pussy and encourages "cat fights". It is entertainment for him.

No one believes he is there doing his dirty deeds to get a kick even though it has been repeated openly that this is happening.

"You're delusional!" they say.

And so like ducks in a baby pool, everyone swims about making easy targets for the hunter. But woe to the one who catches his eye enough to target you to the point of stalking you by hacking your phone, the phones of family and the phones of friends as well so he can learn all of your weaknesses and use it against you in his target practice.

Illustration by Gustave Doré 

I was one of the unlucky ones who peaked his interest. Even now as I type, I am certain he reads every word as I type it. He has had access to all of my private conversations and has used the information there to try to hurt me emotionally. He has taken that private information and turned it into a weapon against me.

At first I cried. I was wounded deeply.

Then I was angry and bitter and I lashed back. I am ever so good at lashing back. Did that sting? Did you flinch a little? Yeah, I know you did. But that person who swings her verbal swords is who I have tried hard not to be anymore.

I was paranoid and confronted "friends" I thought might be him. Of course they thought I had lost my mind...and I had, sort of. But I stopped myself and decided I would not let him turn me into a paranoid and fearful person.

I tried to walk away from the place that shall not be named so many times. It felt as if there was a magnetic pull and I would get sucked right back into interacting with all the madness.

It was insanity. I tried to not lose the me I had worked hard to be, but of course, spirituality in a muggle world is not welcomed or understood. I was a tribe of one trying to fend off arrows from the many.

The ringmaster just encouraged this too. He would come in with personal information and, once again, try to wound me. It was like a giant magnifying glass had been aimed at me and was burning me alive. That IS what they do to witches, after all. People fear and hate what they cannot understand and so they seek to destroy it.

NOËL Francisque (publisher), Mary Evans Picture Library

Yes, Donaka, you sought to destroy me for sport and they sought to destroy due to fear.

The last time it occurred, I learned something about myself. I had actually grown in this hostile environment meant to destroy me. I grew despite all the efforts to snuff my light out and send me into a downward spiral.

As Donaka hurled his personal insults laced with the information that only he would know because of his stalking, I stood unmoved and unaffected.

I asked myself, "Have I grown numb?" The answer was, no, I hadn't grown numb.

At times I was very tempted to respond to the verbal attacks, but then I asked myself, "Is it true what they are saying?"

I answered myself, "No, it isn't true."

"Then why would you need to respond and defend yourself? You have nothing to prove to them. If it isn't true, it doesn't matter what they think or say." I told myself.

And so I withdrew myself from the conflict by not becoming defensive.

What I learned in those moments is when we feel a need to defend ourselves, there is a part of ourselves who believes what they are saying is true. When we KNOW it isn't true and are at peace within ourselves, no one can say something mean and hurtful that will rattle our chains and cause us to lose our equilibrium.

One of the things that Donaka hurled at me was that I am broke. I was just thinking, "Duh! That isn't a secret. I'm not ashamed of being poor." They called me fat and old. Um, yeah, so what? I'm fat and old. As if it matters. I don't need to be young again. I have had that experience already. I am looking for new experiences. I have fat on my body. So what? Again, I have been thin, young and beautiful. Having varied experiences allows me to understand more perspectives. It allows me to expand my empathy.

So the next time someone tries to bring you to your knees with verbal abuse, ask yourself, "Does the shoe fit?"

If the shoe doesn't fit, don't try to shove your foot in and make it fit by becoming defensive about what you are being accused of. Be okay with being barefoot and simply walking away from abusive people and being comfortable and confident in who you are as a person.

People who don't have a foundation of self love will not fare as well as I did in Donaka's spider web. I was able to finally free myself.

As Willie Nelson says, "The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."

There are people in that place who have been going back for many years. I wasted two months, but it wasn't really a waste because I learned something valuable.

Now I graduate from the school that shall not be named.

May we all rise above those who would try to harm us and grow despite oppression and abuse.

You lose, Donaka.

Henri Montassier 1916 Qui va à la Chasse... perd sa Place (Who goes hunting ... loses his place), Lovers, Pierrot, Harlequin via gallicabnf

Dream: Brad Pitt, the Golden Child and Kurt Cobain

Art by Julie Bell and Boris Vallejo

Dream Journal Entry: February 8, 2020

I had lots of dreams. I have stopped wearing earplugs to bed which has helped me stop waking up with headaches, but I seem to wake up more.  I also am dreaming more as a result.

I can't remember much from the first dreams. The most memorable part was being with Brad Pitt intimately. I gave him a massage at some point too.

I woke, thought about it when I posted about it on a message board and wondered what Brad represents to me. "The Golden Child" is the thought that came to mind because Keanu compares himself to Brad a lot and feels he comes up with the shit end of the stick next to Brad. I think Keanu sees him as a Golden Child where he can do no wrong and everything he does is successful. Even when he fucks up, people still love him. It is like Cain and Abel where Cain probably thought Abel was the golden child and favored even though they were twins.

But if everything outside of us, starts within us, the twins and the golden child Keanu competes with and resents is internal. The Brad Pitt  I see in my dreams is part of Keanu and the part that Keanu doesn't realize exists because he feels like a failure and like everything he touches turns to shit eventually. He is at war with that part of himself...the lighter side. Maybe seeing me be intimate with Brad is showing an integration is starting. A merging of polar opposites internally.

There was a bit of dream about living in communal housing. I had left for a while and when I came back, someone had taken my phone receiver and the connection and plugged it into their own system. I was upset and took back what was mine and told them they would have to pay for the calls that get charged to my phone that were theirs. I think my bedding and belongings also got moved and were being used by other people. I wasn't happy and said I thought that I would have my own room and not have to share with so many other people.

I think I got back my purse but it was empty. Someone was saying rent was due which was $9000 and I wondered how I would ever be able to pay that...that it was ridiculous to pay so much for so little space.

At one point, I made a decision to go home go Missouri where my mom was. She had my dog and I wanted to be reunited with her. I considered that in Missouri I could get much more space for my money.

Later I am in a large place and there is all kinds of creepiness happening. We are stuck in this place and can't get out. Every time we go out the front door, it sent us straight back inside.

There was one being who was particularly horrible. He looked like a huge monster and seemed to be the one who was keeping us inside this place. Crazy shit would happen and we would just reanimate back inside. There was no escaping. I remember sitting with some people who were talking. I think they were musicians. The guy to my right had really long brown hair. I didn't recognize him. I wanted to say something about his hair but decided not to. I think I identified one of the people as Eddie Vedder but thought that was odd because Eddie wasn't dead. Everyone in here had died.

People kept trying to escape this place and finally I was able to free myself. The big monster guy tried to force us back but I defeated him by hugging him and giving him love. At one point he spontaneously morphed into a smaller beast as though a spell had been broken. Some of the others who were escaping too wanted to kill him, but I wouldn't let them. I held onto him while he thrashed trying to get away. I kissed his cheek tenderly. Eventually our mouths met to join in a long kiss. He morphed into an older man. It was as though two spells had now been broken and he was finally himself again.  His wife shows up looking for him and his face lights up with happiness. The two went off together and now there was no danger or fear in leaving this place that had been a prison for the dead.

I see in a window Chris Cornell and the guy I identified as Eddie and told my friend that we had to go back in and get the others out who were still inside. When we got to them, there turned out to be three men inside. There were three women, me and two others, and we seemed to pair up with the guys. I am walking with a blonde guy. I look at him closer and said, "Kurt Cobain?!"

He smiles and laughs. He starts, "It's funny, I was just talking about..."

"...what your ideal partner would be like and now here I am?" I finished.

He laughed again and said,  "Yes!"

He reached out lacing his fingers with mine and we continued to walk away.

Kurt started singing a song to me and I liked it very much. It made me smile and we just kept staring into each other's eyes as we walked hand in hand.

Plateaus and Love Letters

Art by at pom

I think I have hit a plateau on my spiritual journey. It isn't that I don't still have things to learn, as I don't believe we ever finish having opportunities to learn about ourselves, it's just I am at a point where I think my biggest lessons have been achieved.

I have climbed mountains on my journey back to self and I have changed completely. I am not the same person I used to be when I started all of this. I am so much better now. I am so much more balanced and secure in who I am now.

When I started all of this, falling in love with myself seemed like an impossible task that I had no idea how I would achieve, and yet somehow I did achieve it. I followed the guidance and here I am nearly nine years later and I can honestly say I am in love with me. I like the person I have become. I enjoy spending time with her.

But lately, I don't feel like the mad scientist trying to feverishly figure things out and processing it all in front of everyone who cares to read about it here. It's not that I have either of my puzzles completed. I don't. It's that it doesn't seem to matter all that much to me anymore. I don't know when the shift happened or why.

The dreams I share here now are more for the sake of a single person so that he can read it because my dreams are often for both me and him. I hope the dreams I share offers him guidance for his own journey of self discovery and back to self love.

The situation with the one who I reserve the top spot in my heart space for is complicated. And so I think I may use my blog as a place to write love letters to him.

Expressing my love for him and all that I want to say is just as much a part of my journey as all of the rest of it. Opening my heart to love and be loved has been quite a huge accomplishment for me. My heart was once very dead and closed off. I am open and giving now.

My soul partner is at the forefront of all of my thoughts. There are very few moments in my day where I am not thinking of him in some way. He is my muse canoe. He is my inspiration to create and express through prose and images.

Art by Mark Loeher

Dear Soul Partner,

Thank you for the poems and song lyrics you shared with me. They mean the world to me. It's the little things that mean so much to me and they certainly gave me a lot of pleasure. They are the sustenance that helps me gently unfurl my petals one by one. I was astonished to discover how much it fills a person up with joy to receive such tokens of love. I have never been given them by a living person before. I love you. 💙

Dream: Moving Into a Heart Space, Going Home

Photo by William Helburn, 1957

Dream Journal Entry: January 17, 2020

So many dreams last night. I kept dreaming of being somewhere that I was being held against my will. I kept trying to escape this place. I would make it out of the place, wake up out of the dream and then go back to sleep and go through it all over again in different ways. At least three different times I was being held against my will. It feels prison-like and I would make my escape to the outside away from it. Sometimes "enforcement" would see me but I am being helped and I would always find my way out and away from this place.

I considered, when I woke at one point, that maybe this was showing me someone who is a prisoner in their own mind escaping the prison inside their mind.

Later, I dreamed again about the apartment I was moving into where George is the landlord and he had been holding the space for me.

In this set of dreams, I actually moved into the space. Again, the apartment is at the top of building and is the best space in the building. This time all of my things have been moved in but apparently this other person I have to share the space with has unpacked all of my stuff for me which I find a little annoying. I identify her as my old friend, Jenny Marshall, who I haven't actually spent time with since we were both in our 20s. She has already placed all the furniture for me. I didn't love the placement and noticed some antique wood desk type thing in the front window. On closer inspection, it looked like it was a sewing station but could double as a writing desk.

I told Jenny I didn't like that it was blocking the best window and wondered if we could maybe move it. Jenny got really upset about it and I conceded that it was fine where it was. I hadn't realized she was going to be here too and it left us both with not a lot of space. I had with me Inara and my dog so my things took up a significant amount of space. Most of the stuff in the space belonged to me.  I noticed my king sized bed had been brought in and jenny had a twin sized bed on the opposite side. I was curious how they were able to get my large bed and heavy furniture inside. I asked if they had to bring it through other people's apartments and they said they had.

There was a communal living area for everyone who lived there. Some of my stuff had been brought into the space, one item being a very large green couch. Some of my clean laundry was being folded and sorted there. Some people were complaining about the crowding and things changing. I apologized but stated it was always planned that I would be moving back to this place and explained that I had lived there in the same space a long time ago before any of them. They would have to adjust and get used to it.

I decided to go out and explore. The street the building was on was really quiet but it wasn't far from the college campus. Apparently there was something going on at the campus...a farmers market and music at the center. I chatted with some of the people of the community and then went back to my apartment. I was feeling really happy to be back here. It had been a very long time since I had been home and I wondered why I had stayed away so long because I really liked it here now.

I met some of the residents outside my apartment building. One of them I recognize from my past and mention that we met a long time ago and I told them I met them through Shannon, my ex BFF. Once again, I mentioned that I had lived in the same location a long time ago but I have come back to stay. I noticed some foot and handprints in the concrete on the sidewalk in front of the building.

Inside in the communal space, I talked to more of the residents. One woman had a baby and I offered to help her with the baby sometimes if she needed. I told her I know what it is like to need help sometimes. She asked about payment and I told her the only payment I wanted was her to be willing to help me with Inara when I needed it.

Some cat was scratching to get in and I assumed it belonged to someone who lived there so automatically went to the door to let it in and the cat immediately attacked me. I think it was an orange fat cat and it wouldn't stop trying to bite me. When I discovered it didn't even belong to anyone there, I moved to put it back outside and asked if someone could help me with it.

I went back up stairs to my apartment and noticed that there were 4 styrofoam squares attached to a wall. They were the same as the imprints out on the sidewalk and considered they were used to make the prints in the concrete. One was a snow shovel print, one was a woman's shoe print, one was a man's shoe print and one was a hand print. My large heavy dresser had been nailed to the wall next to them. It was elevated and the feet were not on the floor. I asked Jenny about it and why she did it that way. She got defensive about it.

I think there were some people who came into the space we had been talking to earlier down stairs. We quickly developed a friendly relationship and Jenny was getting upset that everyone seemed to love me. She made some remark about feeling very dim and invisible next to me. I saw myself as being illuminated with light all around me and people being drawn to me because they could sense it. Jenny was very jealous of it, said something negative about it and then went away by herself. I felt mildly annoyed with having to be faced with this kind of situation again. I remembered I had experienced something similar with friends in the past.

I remember talking to someone about how I was going to go out the next day to find a job but I didn't have concern that I would have any trouble finding a job.

What took place with my new/old apartment was actually two or three dreams together. I would wake up and go back to sleep into the same dream.

Art by Robert Jahns

"For whatever we lose (like a you or a me),
It's always our self we find in the sea."

e.e. cummings

Dream: Dormant Volcanos

Photo by Laura Makabresku

Dream Journal Entry: December 11, 2019
I dreamed that all of these people were camping out in lavish tents in the mouth of a dormant volcano. They were all dotted around the edge too. I considered that they will all be annihilated when the volcano blows. The volcanos that have been dormant for a long time are the deadliest. I had this knowing that it was about to erupt. This could be seen as someone who keeps everything they feel inside until it exploded and erupts and taking out anyone nearby.

Later I heard something about "he gave you one of his pimples." I considered this meant he gave me a festering eruption.... something clogged that lingers under the skin and builds up until it pops. You never know when and where it pops and it could happen in a place and time you least expect. This could represent unpleasant and unkind communication that is released on someone who wasn't the cause of the build up, they just happened to be there when it erupted on them.

Later, there was something about some women staying at my house. In my dream, my house was kind of dirty and gross and I apologized for the state of it. There was a scene about cats fighting. Apparently I collect cats (females) in the dream. Stray ones come in and I take them in. Now there were quite a few and some new ones that just showed up are fighting the ones I have had for a while and hurting them. The women that had stayed over had some concerns about the cats who had gotten hurt the most. I can't remember what actions I took in that situation.

The women were going to stay another night and I was trying to prepare something to eat but I didn't have much other than British canned beans in little purple bowls. I vaguely remember laying in the grass with these women having dialogue but I can't remember the exchange.

In another scene, it feels like I am on a college campus. Apparently it is in Kansas City and I am rarely here. I see someone I recognize and had just spent time with. We greet each other warmly and she ends up giving me some reading. She looks sort of Irish with long reddish hair and pale skin. She was talking about Kurt Cobain and how he loves me very much. I said I loved him too, very much.

She went on to say that I had to divorce River so that I could be with Kurt. I knew she was right but thought I already had. I guess there was something else I needed to do to make it official. She is showing me something on a chart in red...an angry face, I think, but I can't remember what she said about it. I then see her suddenly burst into tears. I said, "You are feeling him, aren't you?" She nodded saying, "There is so much sadness." I said, "I know, I feel it too." The woman is still sobbing and just has to step away because the feelings are overwhelming her.

Photo by Laura Makabresku

I then see a black woman with long hair who is also sobbing. She is going up a ramp and heading for a door. I wondered if she was also feeling what the psychic woman was feeling. Maybe the sadness was spreading and others were feeling it too. I feel concerned and asked her if there was anything I could do. I wanted to comfort her. She indicated it was okay if I came to talk to her. I moved to the left to find the walkway to make my way up to her, but on the way, there are a group of guys blocking the path and listening to loud music. I asked them what they had done or said to her to make her cry. One of them said, "We didn't say anything to the nun that should have upset her." But I didn't believe them and went to give her comfort.

Some woman comes up to me and gives me a bunch of money, says she had used what she needed and had all of this extra money left over. She wanted to give it to me because she thought I probably needed it. It looked foreign, like British money because the notes were bigger than American money. Some was colorful and some was black and white. I put the huge wad of cash in my front, left shirt pocket. I held onto it and felt reluctant to use any of it. The women who had stayed a night were staying a second night. I was serving beans again but one wondered if maybe I could order Bellagio's pizza and have it delivered. I don't know why I hesitated but decided I could probably do that since I had just been given all of this cash. This seems to be about wealth... being handed wealth freely either through kindness or information offered. Food is about what we take in to nourish our souls. Bellagio is Italian whose flag is red, white and green which is also the traditional colors of Christmas. To me, Italian food represents food that it is grounded in spirituality and heart.

Now there is a scene and I am in a kitchen with people. I want to say it was with one of the women who had stayed over and her parents. I was talking to the woman while some food was being prepared. I sat on something for a minute. I stood up and looked and it was a yellow largish toaster oven. I think I might have damaged it a bit and felt bad. Yellow is the color of support and action. Somehow I had damaged support, action and heat meant to cook food... emotional support and nourishment. I hoped the dent would easily pop out and it would still work.

I was trying to help clean up and ended up accidentally almost throwing away some TV dinners on the counter. I was able to save most of it. I remember throwing away some of the tough parts of broccoli that usually get cut off. Broccoli is green which is the color of the outer heart chakra and this could represent cutting off the tough parts of the heart that doesn't allow us to to feel as much as we want to.

Operation End Slavery, Stockholm Syndrome

Photo by Daniel Anhut

I'm freaking out inside a little.
My heart is pounding faster than usual ever since I fell down a rabbit hole today.

Memories came flooding in and pieces I have gathered came together quickly. It took my breath away and I feel on the verge of crying.

I researched the Cartier Love Bracelet because of some copyright suit against Alexandra Grant. I wanted to see what a Love Bracelet looked like. When I saw it, I felt sick...like I was going to throw up because it repulsed me and I thought, "That is no symbol of love, that is a symbol of slavery".

Instinctively, I knew that bracelet was based on an old design for slaves where the bracelets were mostly permanent. I remembered how the design I wore as an Egyptian slave girl had a strong chain from the bracelet to a ring worn on the middle finger to keep it from clanging around when doing work. The purpose was so that the ring could be attached to a pole to keep slaves from running away.

These are no trinkets of love. They are insidious and are a symbol of keeping someone against their will. It is vile and disgusting that we buy them, hand them out, and attach them to people we supposedly love as decorations!!

The Ring of O is a known sex slave symbol and even more disgusting to me. It was bad enough to be a slave but even worse to have our bodies violated against our will and some of you think this is "fun" and "consensual". Your minds are so warped that you have no understanding the degradation and self-hate involved in these acts. You are reenacting your own torture and have come to believe you like it.

I once heard in an in-between state that my mission here is called "Operation End Slavery", but I thought it was more about ending greed and consumerism. I didn't realize it was also related to the sex slavery from former lives being repeated over and over.

And since I dream from within others, I can't say for sure I was even the slave whose past life trauma is playing out over and over in each life. I tend to think Keanu might be the slave and Alexandra his past life captor.

Any love he thought he felt for her is actually Stockholm Syndrome.

At one time, favorite Egyptian slaves were sacrificed so they could attend to their master's needs in the afterlife. Imagine repeating this cycle over and over until you can break free.

Dream Journal Entry: April 24, 2016 I started to rouse and drifted back to sleep and there was something about seeing bread and thinking I would be able to make better bread if I had the tools that I was used to but here in the new world we didn't have them. I am trying to figure out what tools would we not have? I was thinking maybe metal tools. I have no idea and I am not sure what was meant by "the new world". Because later when I see a girl dead and laid out on a slab that was elevated. She had black straight hair, bangs, cropped/bobbed hair and white face paint. Something was mentioned about the boy Pharaoh and facing the body east.

Photo by Daniel Anhut

Dream Journal Excerpt: January 23, 2019 had this weird bit of dream where I had completed something. It felt like a class and now we were leaving this place. Amrik and I went to get documentation of completion. They took our left hand and gave us subdermal piercings. He had a single small silver bead-like thing put in the area where people typically wear wedding bands.  

And then the woman piercing me did a whole row of them along my knuckles and then below them  attached two pieces of steel shaped as smiles. When I made a fist it made two smilie faces. 

I noticed an indention appear on my middle left finger as though I had worn a ring there for a very long time. In real life I don't wear any rings. 

Dream Journal Excerpt: August 25, 2014 I had really strange dreams last night. The first that I remember was all about some guy who had, I guess, kind of held me against my will and would drug me to get me to stay and do things with him sexually. A guy came in (I think he looked like brad Pitt and was someone I knew) came in and rescued me. The dude who had held me against my will was going to inject the guy who was trying to save me but ended up injecting himself. It was weird because it was like I had Stockholm syndrome or something because I felt love and compassion for this guy and felt a little sad about leaving him.

Photo by Daniel Anhut

Dream Journal Entry: August 3, 2015  The first dream, there was something about me being a police officer. There was someone trying to set a trap for me to try to kill me. I see a house with christmas lights and a christmas tree but I know about the trap and don't fall for it.
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Later I dreamed there was some dude and a girl he was holding captive along with me. I can't remember if she was the nanny or a family member from the house we were at. This guy murdered someone....a female i think. He wants to run so he doesn't get caught and she thinks she has to go with him because she thinks she will be implicated in the murder too for just knowing. The three of us were with him but the girl and I said we needed to go back to the house to get a few things and said we would meet him. I planned to call the police and turn the guy in and assured her that just knowing about the murder would not get her arrested. It felt almost like a Stockholm syndrome type of thing with him...like she just needed to get away from him to understand how she had been brainwashed. In the house I think I see the parents. It seems to be a large family. I see a "son" who looks remarkably like Nuno Bettencourt. I stopped and talked to him while I picked up food off the floor. There were bits of food everywhere but it was like junk food and I thought, geez, they need some healthier food. I can't really remember much else as I waited too long to write about it. Oh well.

Photo by Daniel Anhut

Dream Journal Entry: April 23, 1999 I had an interesting dream. I think Faith and I had been kidnapped by a group of guys and at first we were both scared. They had us tied up on some cliff or something like that and they were waiting for something to come...like we were an offering, a sacrifice of sorts. And a presence of some sort did come and it filled us with peace, contentment and love. It was an amazing feeling, like a rush. I remember staring up at the sky when the presence filled us. I think it filled us with knowledge as well. After this presence came, we were no longer afraid of our captors. They were like a cult or something...living underground and leading secret lives. We were traveling in what I think was a bus or RV of sorts. We came to some populated place and Faith and I took our belongings and wandered off away from the guys. I think we, at first, were going to try to escape. But later we felt a longing to be back with the group who had captured us, so we went back to find them. It took us a while but when we did, the bus was starting to leave and we begged them to stop saying we realized we wanted to be with them, that we missed them for the short time we had been separated. I think we did manage to get back on the bus and we promised we would never try to leave them again. There was one guy in particular I communicated with during the dream.  I think we had Stockholm Syndrome.