A Raw Look at Processing Internal Roadblocks

"From a Dream" by Hans Zatzka

"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it." 

Rumi

My friend, Lindsay, and I work together a lot on processing and working through what needs to be worked through on any given day. Some days she gets quite an earful from me while I am trying to figure something out. The below is dialogue I sent to her while she is at work. She hasn't even read it yet, but as I was typing, I knew I was coming to an important self discovery. I was finally coming to an epiphany that will help change my life so I thought I would share my mental gymnastics with all of you.

Step inside my mind:

April 24, 2016 9:13am
I watched a documentary called Jesus in India before I went to bed so it wasn't entirely surprising that I dreamed of India and Indians. 

It felt like a class almost but not really. There was a group of Eastern Indians and they were doing a physical assessment of me. It was an unusual assessment because they were touching me and smelling me but I was also supposed to be learning from this experience. It was fascinating and then they gave their recommendation. There was some issue with my left foot and some supplement type things that came in the form of little Indian candies were suggested. There were three things mentioned but I can't remember what they were. I made mention about an Indian grocer and where it was located and their eyes lit up and they were surprised I knew about it. I explained that my husband was half Indian. I talked about his relatives that were still in Ranchi. I expressed how excited I was to watch them do this process to other people because I wanted to learn what they were doing. I also mentioned Chinese medicine and the whole idea of yin/yang imbalances and said I was pretty sure that my imbalance leaned toward more masculine than feminine. 

The dream seems to progress and again it feels like a class and we are assigned specific positions based on the assessments we had earlier. It feels like my color was green and pink. I think I mentioned the heart chakra having the same colors. It feels like there is a small group of us. I can't remember the other colors. I do remember there was a guy in the group and some girl made mention she thought he and I would end up together because we seemed to be in each other's orbit. I didn't deny it but didn't acknowledge it either. I seem to witness some ritual or lesson. I was interested in it and then I see two or three of my classmates performing a ritual and I commented asking how they knew how to do what they were doing because it hadn't been shown to us yet. I was surprised. I had some knowing that what they were missing for this ritual was me and this other guy. Like we were the central part of it and they were practicing it in anticipation for performing it. I had some knowing that he and I had to come together to create something. I went back to the location of this ritual planning to complete it on my own. I think it was at that point one of our group members says she was leaving. She said she had the tools she needed and that is all it was really about...that I could stay and complete the task if I wish but she was going. I see myself in this small area getting ready to perform whatever it was and I am holding something...a white cloth. It feels like seeds might be inside. I don't remember much else about the dream. There was another part of the dream where I seem to recall the color red but I can't remember what happened. Maybe it will come back to me later.

Basically what the dream tells me is 1. My assignment IS love and partnership and 2. My partner is MIA

I don't know. I am still trying to figure out what belief inside is holding up abundance and financial security.

I was just processing.

Painting by Hans Zatzka

And I considered that Inara's father doesn't value me. But I chose him. I chose him because I didn't value me when we started this. Back then he matched my internal.

But I value myself and know my own worth.....
Hmmmm...
Maybe that is it, maybe I don't actually know my own worth and I am "selling myself short".

Because the money always seems to come up short.

So I chose a situation where ends wouldn't meet because I am selling myself short. I need to understand and accept my own value.

Sorry... processing this here.

"Arabian Nights" by Hans Zatzka

Thing is, if I could gain independence, I am fairly certain I would be completely okay with being single and alone. Having the financial security that would afford me the opportunities to do things, go places and have adventures, I would be less inclined to seek a partner. I do like my own company very much.

If I change my internal beliefs, the opportunity, which I believe my partner will offer me, will be able to come to me. We set it up so that we HAVE to work with a partner because I knew I wouldn't seek one otherwise. If I had the financial security and independence, I wouldn't complete what needs to be completed with a partner.

I think where the problem lays is not wanting to come off as an ego maniac in knowing my own worth and value. It is necessary to find the middle ground.

September 7, 2017
Oh yeah, I just remembered a bit where some old woman came by and there was something about pennies. I can't remember if I gave them to her or she gave them to me, but somehow she had passed off this cart full of money of deposits people had made. I was pushing it around not knowing what to do with it. I am not sure why it upset me so but I was starting to cry about it. I didn't want the responsibility because I didn't know what to do with it. There was a big pile of money in the middle of this room and I finally found someone who knew what to do with it and I was happy to give it to them.

The dream where I was given all of this money and it upset me a lot. I was happy to hand it off to someone else. It was showing me two things: I didn't want the responsibility of "saving" anyone else and by not wanting the responsibility, I also was showing I didn't understand my own value and what it could mean to others. Basically, if I can figure it out ..how to work through the internal blocks so that what we want can manifest in the external, then I can share my example with the world and help transform the lives of others. Leading through example. But I have to accept the responsibility on a larger scale and have been internally dragging my feet.

"Oath of Love" by Hans Zatzka

Maybe *I* am the one who is late to the party because I am still trying to figure it out. It will all open up with ease when I sort out the internal blocks keeping me from the life I want.

Bloggity Blog, I Caught a Frog...

...in my throat chakra.

This blog post is me clearing my throat chakra.

How did you like my dramatic exit with the previous blog post? Lol

In the spiritual world, we would not call what I had a "breakdown" but a "tower moment". Most of the spirtually initiated are familiar with the Tower card in a traditional tarot deck. Basically it is a card that tells you, "Yep, you are fucked. Shit is going to fall apart for you." A lot of people freak out if they draw a tower card for themselves.

I drew this very card days before I would have my Tower moment. I had just started following an artist on Instagram who had recently created a deck. She shared the entire deck as a video that flips quickly through each card. The viewer is asked to do a screenshot and see what card they get. I got the Tower card.

Cocorrina & Co

I didn't feel particularly worried because I have been through a plethora of Tower moments since I started this journey. But this one....this one was different. It was like it leveled me and I stood in the rubble that was myself feeling unsure of where to go or what to do next.

During my time away, I had conversations with friends,  continued to have meaningful dreams I would write down and did a lot of self reflection and processing.

I learned something about myself.

I am steeped in spirituality. It makes up every particle of my being now. Even when I want to give up and be entirely done with it all, I can't stop seeing the messages. I can't stop interpreting all that I see and experience. I can't stop talking about it and sharing it with others even if it is only one or two people privately. My new knowledge is part of every room in the house that I call "me". The knowledge has given me new eyes to see with and I can't stop myself from now seeing the whole world differently around me.

An example of this was something I recalled, privately, to a friend. It happened yesterday.

I saw a grossly overweight woman today walk into Starbucks this afternoon. She had difficulty walking. I sat there thinking, "She feels so much and never expresses it. She holds it all in. I could help people like her if I had a platform to share what i know." 

The weight is everything we don't release. If people knew and understood how to do it constructively, they could release so much of what is manifesting as fat in the physical. People look at fat people and think food is the problem and it really isn't. 

It is what we feel and how we deal with it.
I think when we start to express ourselves and balance, we naturally start to gravitate to making different choices for our bodies. 

Like me giving up coffee. I gave it up because it was hurting my stomach so much. I thought about the message that had. Coffee is dark and bitter in it's unenhanced state. So I can no longer stomach the dark and bitter so I was letting it go because it hurts me too much to hold onto it.

After having a day of being bedridden for 24 hours with severe head pain and throwing up anytime I stood, a different friend suggested I focus on my family.  I was so surprised at how profound my response to her ended up being  that I saved it so I could remind myself of my own words. I need to hear and see those words often when I forget.

Physically I am good. I'm giving up coffee so I should be better.

If you were locked away in a prison cell, would your mind not seek to leave the confines of that cell? The only imbalance is that I have grown and my environment has not grown with me. Maybe it takes some time for the outer world to take shape and materialize in the physical, but I am confident it is happening, I just have to learn patience. It is a hard lesson when some days I feel more like Veruca Salt (Charlie and the Chocolate Factory) stamping my feet saying, "Daddy, I want it! Give it to me, NOW!" 

I spend 24/7 with my daughter. She is my family and we talk constantly about everything. I guess if we are talking about balance, I need to venture out and create other face to face relationships with some grown-ups. I have no in person friends. 

It has been an extremely hard journey and I have definitely felt extreme exhaustion at times, but I actually feel pretty good right now. 

I feel like I am at a place now where I need "different". The other day when I had to go walk to the store, we went to a different store and walked a different route and just that little variation made both Inara and I feel better. I made a deal with her that we both need to make an effort to do at least one thing different every day and before you know it, all of those little differences make your whole life different than it was before.

For now, while I am poor, I will have to settle for little differences like walking to a different store.

I hope all is well with you and you get encouraging results from your exams. Thank you for caring.

I expounded on those thoughts a little with my friend, Lindsay.

Little Differences feels a little like a snake wiggling out of his old skin. It takes time but with each wiggle, he gets more and more out of the old skin.

I woke up this morning after my dream realizing my guy has been with all of the people I have encountered...even the "mistakes". He has been there with me all along in spirit like an ocean wave moving me along. There is no judgement except our own, really. I mean I could be hard on myself and dwell on the "mistakes" but the important thing is that I learned from them. 

How we react and respond to a situation determines whether or not we will have to repeat the lesson. 

On the drive home from the beach yesterday, I was thinking about how part of my current issue is that I don't feel comfortable saying "follow me" when I am not really at the proverbial "there" myself. I'm still trying to figure shit out as I go along. I still fuck up a lot....but I learn and I gain and I change, which really isn't a bad thing.

I really am trying to be a better version of me in any given moment as I go travel on my path.

I am back...sort of...but I am not entirely sure how that will take shape and look like. I don't think I can just pick up the strings I dropped and repeat the method of delivering my story in completely the same way as before.

Something feels different inside.

And so "different" is what I will embrace to move forward to create a "different" life.

Don't Follow Me

I made a mistake today. It was minor but it made me wonder if the whole of the past seven years has been series of mistakes and misinterpretations.

For all of the following the guidance and clues I was given, I don't have shit to show for it.

Whoo hoo! Internal growth.

Isn't that grand?

It's not enough.

I think I probably know nothing except that I just want to be done.

Dreams: Archangels

Art by Marc Fishman

Dream Journal Entry: February 1, 2019
I dreamed that I was archangel Gabriel and Archangel Michael was my partner (wearing Dave Grohl's face. lol) and he was wrapped up in all of these sex things with people. I wasn't exactly thrilled but I was telling him that I need to be the one he chooses and comes home to. I was annoyed with him because there was a mission we needed to complete together and he wasn't doing what he needed to do.

"The Abduction of Psyche" by William-Adolphe Bouguereau

Dream Journal Entry: February 2, 2019
People were mad at me because I had fucked up some wedding. I am not sure how I had fucked it up. The bride was furious. She was one of those people who love a lot of excess and she had set up all of this unnecessary stuff and steps for the wedding. Like there was some weird scene of acting something out and changing clothes almost like a fashion show. Somehow I fucked it all up and her entire family were angry at me and I was trying to get away because some of them were so pissed that now they were trying to shoot at me.

Then later I am someplace with an ex friend only she wasn't ex in the dream. We see this guy who is famous for his story. Apparently he had gotten into a horrible accident and survived it. He had written about his experience and the book had become really popular and everyone seemed to know who he was. But it seemed like he wasn't actually wealthy and seemed really unhappy. He looked almost like a homeless man. He had lost the use of his legs in the accident.

Beth kept telling me to ask him specific questions. I said no, that if she wanted to know, she should ask the questions herself. I think I made a move to leave and walked by him and through the door...only I am struggling to get through the door and I fell down. The guy is coming outside too and we meet. I apologized for being in the way of the door. He was saying that he was trying to get to his equipment to try to take some shots but he didn't think he would be able to make it over in time to capture the specific lighting.

Love and Psyche by Pam Neilands

Now, at this point I already feel very attracted to him. It was overwhelming and instantaneous but I tried to not reveal it because I had only just met him. I offered to help him to where his camera equipment was set up and he agrees to the help offered. I asked Beth to help me. She gets on one side and I get on the other and we walk him over. He takes the shots and wants to go somewhere else. Beth is now gone. I have no idea where she has gone but I get behind him and hold him and together we are moving forward. It is like he is using my legs. I feel concerned if I will be able to keep my balance while holding him and allowing him to use my legs. He takes a step and I see I am wearing high heels and he has stepped into a bit of mud and I warn him. We ended up falling over but we laughed about it because we were together and it was clear we both liked each other.

He then revealed that he feels extremely aroused by me and it was something he hadn't experienced since the accident. He said that if he had a dick it would be hard but all he had were balls now. I told him that I felt the same way, highly aroused, since I had been near him. It was an instantaneous attraction... something neither of us had experienced before. I think I called him Matt, funny enough. The name Matthew means, "gift of YAHWEH".

He was entirely bald as a result of his injuries. I made it clear that his lack of penis didn't matter to me and that I didn't want to part from him. We both seemed happier as a result of meeting. There was something about possibly needing to cut some part of him off and I said that shouldn't be necessary since they can make all kinds of tools to help people with injuries now. I knew I didn't want to part from him ever. I think I woke about there.

Problem Solving, Practice What you Preach

Art by Stefan Koidl

I have a problem.

A recent discovery has left me feeling disturbed and uncomfortable.

I think my daughter's father has been electronically listening in on my private conversations with her and anyone I might talk to.

I went through a myriad of feelings:

Violated
Disturbed
Angry
Fearful
Disgusted
Hate
Desperation to escape

I tried to understand why this was happening. How had I helped manifest it and what was lesson in it? All I could see was a red mist. I knew I had to get a little distance from it before acting, so I slept.

When I woke, I remembered how my guides told me they would like to see me put into action the knowledge I have gained. Basically they are saying, "Practice what you preach." And so I sit here processing the problem with all of you.

I asked myself, "What is the core issue here?" Certainly for him it is showing the extreme lengths someone will go to who has serious communication  deficits. This is a man who, for fifteen years, has been like a wall to talk to. There is no communication. And when he finally does feel moved to communicate, it is anything but constructive and non-blaming.

When Inara was young, he was a great dad. He was playful and fun. But all of that changed as she got older and started asserting her own ideas and opinions. She developed her own interests and no longer wanted to be forced to participate in activities only he is interested in. He started to treat her the way he had always treated me and so much blame gets piled on her lap regularly. They fight a lot. They are like oil and water and conflict is ever present.

One time, in a huge angry argument with him, I told him how I felt he takes out all of his anger for me on her and that I wish he would stop. I told him that he has no idea who she is as a person and that I wish he would take some time to know her and learn to have conversations with her because if he doesn't do it now, they will never have a close relationship later in life. I would love for my daughter to not have the daddy issues I grew up with.

Even after me saying all of that, he still never really worked on improving the relationship.

Fast forward to now and my Inara was saying how her father is suddenly being nice to her and it makes her feel really uncomfortable and she doesn't know how to react because she isn't used to it.

Some of the conversations we had while he was listening in was a lot about Inara's feelings about her father. They aren't warm and fuzzy and he might have been a little taken back by how much venom she has for him. I have my own issues with him but, for the most part, I want her to try to have a relationship with him. I want her to practice treating people the way she wants to be treated and not how they have treated her. I want her to learn to rise above and make higher mind choices.

So when he started behaving uncharacteristically nice to her and interested, we were both suspicious. There were other red flags later that clued us in he is listening to us. When we discussed our concerns to each other, one of the things I said was, "This is a lesson in never saying something privately that you aren't willing to own publicly." My daughter, who is 10, asked me what that means. I told her, "It means taking ownership of what you said and admitting it. It means taking responsibility for our own words."

Now, it doesn't mean that what he has done is okay. It is definitely still a violation and breach of trust. Open communication would be the preferred path, but we can't force anyone to change. They have to make a choice. I only have control over me, my perception, how I respond, and what I take away from it.

The question I was asking myself this morning is, how can I practice what I preach in this situation? How can I apply the spiritual knowledge I have gained on this journey? I was just saying, recently, how we should try to respond with compassion and kindness, even in difficult situations and, somehow, I need to apply this idea to this situation even though I have a strong knee-jerk disdain for this person.

I am always saying that we should face our fears and here was an opportunity to not fall into fearful reactionary behavior.

What is the solution?

Art by Marc Fishman

I think it is a lesson in standing naked without shame or trying to hide in fear. It is a lesson in taking personal responsibility for our thoughts, feelings and words. It is a lesson in open communication and transparency. It is a lesson in remaining authentic ALWAYS...not just when it is convenient and comfortable. Standing in your truth means braving any adversity that threatens to knock us down. It means remaining true to ourselves and not letting fear and anger influence our thoughts and actions.

By all means, FEEL it all. Feel what you feel in the moment and then step back and look at it under a microscope to extract all that you can from the opportunity. And, yes,  difficult experiences really are an opportunity but we have to re-adjust our perspective to understand fully the opportunity and lessons it provides.

I will not hide.
I will not fear.
I will not remain in anger.

I choose compassion and kindness.
I choose to treat people the way I want to be treated, not as they have treated me.
I choose authenticity, open communication and transparency.
I choose to stay open hearted and trust regardless of violations to both.
I choose to be heart centered and balanced.
I choose the path of love.

Art by Catrin Welz-Stein

Dream Excerpt: Coming Together

"Tristan and Isolde" by Marc Fishman

Dream Journal Excerpt: May 17, 2017
At the tail end was a couple coming together. People had tried to keep them apart but they finally made their way back to each other. He was attractive, a little older, like maybe later 30s early 40s but wasn't gray. He had beautiful brown skin and straight with some wave black hair. He had facial hair as well. He kissed the woman passionately in front of everyone. I have this knowing they are both well known. People are still trying to hold her back from him to some degree but she refuses to be taken from him. They kiss very passionately. It feels almost like they are soap opera characters. It feels like they have been with other people but are finally coming together as a couple.

Art by Ognian Kouzmanov 

Dream Journal Entry: Acting, Taking a Closer Look

Art by Bape Ril

Dream Journal Entry:
January 24, 2019

I woke up with a horrible headache. After a few hours I had to lay down to try to sleep off the headache and try not to throw up.

What I remember of a dream during my nap was seeing me with my sister. I'm not sure where we were but I had been resting and I realized some eye piece, a loupe maybe, I used for one of my eyes to look closely at things I had fallen asleep wearing and it had popped out of my eye. My sister had borrowed it while I was sleeping.

There was something about a cut on one of my big toes. I want to say it was my left foot, but I can't remember clearly now. I pressed on the area to remove what I thought was puss that had formed and a small orange grub-like worm popped out when I applied pressure. I tried to grab it to get rid of it but was having trouble. I didn't want it to come back to me. I think I found what I thought was the worm, but on closer inspection, realized this one was yellow and not the same color.

Later i am looking for my eye piece again and ask my sister about it. She admits to borrowing it and points to the drawer it is in. Inside the drawer I find pieces to a hand held video camera. I try to put it together and brown liquid, maybe balsamic vinegar, is leaking out. My sister freaks out and takes it from me to try to dry it. I asked her if it was real. I had assumed it didn't work. She said it was real and that she hoped it wasn't damaged. She said she had borrowed it from the guy she was interested in. I am seeing him as African American mix with longer curly hair. He appears to be a waiter. I asked her if that was him and she nods. I have this sense that this guy is very spiritual and balanced.

The scene jumps a little and we are talking about where we are currently. Apparently there is acting going on everywhere. There was a central stage where a larger performance was being given and a tiny production off to what I perceived as my left. I was asking about that one and why they would bother with such a small audience. My sister was saying that was the neighbor's house and the the show was being performed for a charity type event for the police. It was for a good cause. I then saw the value in what the effort they were going through.

Turning Points and New Directions

First, I need to say...

Fuck you, Instagram, and all of your censorship. Fuck you for trying to say that beautifully and artistically photographed nudity is somehow obscene and/or pornography. Fuck you for saying that my DREAM was bullying because abortion was mentioned. I guess I will stop using your platform and keep my art and my words here on my blog.

This is the photo they deleted today and I was threatened over:

Willy Ronis (French, 1910-2009). Le Nu Provençal, 1949

This is a photo I have had on my phone for ages because it is so beautiful, but I know social media can't handle nipples because they are just so fucking scary:

Odalisque III, New York, 1943 by Horst P. Horst

Breastfeeding pictures will surely be taken down too because, omg, breastfeeding is so unnatural, right? Oh wait, that is what breasts were designed for.

"Mother and Child" by Anne Brigman, 1925

Now that I have that off my chest, breast, nipple....

Let's talk about when shit blows up in our faces. 

You are doing your thing. You know you aren't perfect but you think you are doing okay and shit goes horribly wrong. Maybe you failed a class, maybe you lose your job, and maybe what was supposed to be a box office smash became a box office flop. Any of these situations can be hard to take. Anytime we suffer a blow that knocks us down and makes us question what we are doing and why we are doing it can take a little more time to get back up off the floor and regain our vision in order to keep going.

It is okay to just lay there for a while and scream, "Fuuuuuck!!! That really hurt!" 

But while you lay there trying to get your breath back, consider a few things.

Why did this happen? What is the lesson in it? How did we contribute in manifesting it?

Maybe your project blew up in your face to point you in a new direction. Maybe your life is being dismantled piece by piece so that you can rebuild it. You can now go from being who the world told you to be to being who you always wanted to be but never had a chance to. Maybe it gives you the opportunity to become someone you never knew was hiding inside of you.

What about all the time and work you have invested in this direction you have been going?

One of the biggest lessons I have had to learn is letting go. There is so much letting go we have to do if we are going to embody the highest version of ourselves and head the direction we are being guided to by invisible hands from the other side.

I spent four motherfucking years on Deryck Whibley. I invested a lot of time in a direction that the only payment I got out of it was what I learned about myself. I admit there are some days I just feel bitter about the four years I put in there. He never grew...but I did and if I can remember that, it doesn't feel like four years wasted. When I can see the lessons, the tools and skills I gained during my time trying, I understand none of that time was a waste.

So while you are still on the floor licking your wounds, try to see and understand all you have gained in order to make letting go easier.

But now you are thinking, "Where do I go now? What am I supposed to be doing?"

The Universe will be like, "Yo, I'm glad you asked." 

If you pay attention to the signs, syncs and messages coming in, you will be able to follow those breadcrumbs. Sometimes it will seem more like weird rabbit holes, but keep following that bunny. We are all always being guided all the time. We simply don't always recognize the messages. Most people write them off as "coincidences" and those people will miss the guidance being given. 

In order to become the best version of ourselves we can be, we need to start doing more of what lights us up and sets our hearts on fire. 

Ask yourself, "What do I love doing? What excites me?"

I will tell you that at the beginning of this journey, I had no fucking clue what I loved doing. I had to embark on a journey of self discovery to figure out who the fuck I was and what it is I love doing. It is pretty obvious now what I love and who I am now, but the person I am today is a completely different person. The person I was died along the way. I had to let go of all I thought I was to become the person that was trying to be born within me. I have had some seriously difficult moments along the way that left me a crying mess and feeling like I wasn't sure I could go on....and yet somehow I did.

I still have moments of, "Where the fuck is this leading?!" I had one of those moments very recently. The truth is, I have no idea where it is all leading. I have some guesses and can speculate but I may not know for sure what it looks like until I get there. Letting go of expectations is hard... especially for someone with a lot of Virgo in their chart like me because they are control freaks...but I am getting better at it with practice.

Lastly, acceptance for what is is key to being like water and flowing. When we are in resistance, we try to hold on and keep going in the direction that is no longer working. Acceptance means we know the crash is going to happen. We see ourselves going into the turn, losing control of the motorcycle and instead of holding onto the bike, we simply let go and flow away from the bike that would have ended us had we held onto it. 

And if you are still on the floor after all of that, roll over, look at the stars and take my hand because I'm right beside you. I will tell you bad jokes until it doesn't hurt as much.

I love you.