Sorting the Pieces, Same Game Two Colors

Uh oh. I am going to think out loud for you again. lol Get ready for this one because it should be an interesting ride.

I have been trying to sort out who these two people are in my triangle and how the fuck we ended up in here and, based on dreams, I have come to some strong possibilities. 

I believe one is often seen as my cousin/uncle and childhood friend. I think I came in here initially with him when I agreed to come in and do the job I came here for. It was an opportunity to "test our relationship" in the "Tunnel of Love" which is a program I helped develop. You see, I believe the Tunnel of Love not only tests a relationship, but forces the players to come to a point of understanding and forgiveness to help repair a relationship, hence why I said I felt like in my really real life I am both scientist and therapist in my last blog post.

The problem arose when my partner chose someone else. 

Dream Journal Entry: October 17, 2015  I stop at some place that sells motorcycles. Apparently they are a well known brand and some dude I think might be famous gets off his motorcycle and says something and goes off. And I am like, "Oh is this what we call your cameo?" Because that is what it felt like...when some famous person comes on and has a cameo and disappears. There was something about someone getting a rubbing from the emblem of the motorcycle brand. The scene changes a bit and I am seeing Nuno. There was a scene prior but it is vague. Were we at a wedding? I don't know. I am saying goodbye to Nuno and I am flipping him off saying "fuck you!" And he is like, "I want to stay in touch with you." I was like "Fuck you. You chose her over me. There is nothing to stay for so fuck you." I am coloring with a pink crayon. I think it might be a barrel? Maybe a vase? I just remember coloring rather hard. I wasn't trying to make it look more realistic and just made it solid pink. Nuno says that he wants to see what I made and I am like "sure," and I throw at him the things I colored and walked away. I remember seeing kennels with iron cages and dogs inside.There was a whole part where there was a game being played but I can't remember details.

Comments: So what is a girl to do when her partner's free will choices lead her to being stranded and left living like a caged dog? You see, in order to leave the Tunnel of Love, I need a partner. But more than that, I have important work to do in here that wasn't going to get done because of a free will choice he made. I was in a pickle. I once had my TV turn off during a specific scene while I was watching Philadelphia Story. It was the scene in which Cary Grant's character was at the door to surprise his ex-wife. During that time I was having a lot of "spirit" activity, so I knew to take special note of this even though I had no understanding of what it meant. In dreams I am often hostile toward the husband character who fades in and out between my brother and husband. My brother's name is Thomas. Apparently I believe the husband cheated on me and left me bankrupt.

Dream Journal Entry: June 16, 2015 The first set of dreams are hard to hold onto. It feels like some sort of battle is being fought and we are moving up. Brad Pitt seems to be a main character. We both are climbing our way to the top. At the top it seems like he is with the wrong person and someone closes him off in a room with me so we can find our way back to each other in this life. I see myself tossing furniture of some sort and it stacks amazingly well. It seems to be a skill I have. Brad seems to go off somewhere and I am left with what I consider my "brother" although I he didn't have the face of one of my brothers here in this reality. I lay back and had sex with this brother and my body responded and I had an orgasm. I started to rouse a bit and thought "here we go again" and feeling confused because I don't really know what the purpose is of that element in dream time or my reality. I lay there in a half asleep state and eventually fell back to sleep where I had another dream. 

Dream Journal Entry: September 27, 2015 I leave to go to my car and I notice a band playing down near another business in the parking lot. They sound good. I see either a cello or stand up bass and think it is an unusual instrument to see in a band. One of the guys eyes me and runs up the hill to where I am getting in my parked car. He wants me to come down the hill and pass around this yellow hat to the audience to collect tips. I say, "no thank you" and have some awareness that it might simply be a ruse to talk to me. But then I am also thinking that I don't have any cash to contribute myself and say so. A guy with him takes out a 20 and a 5 and hands it to me to put in the hat. The bills were crisp and new. But then there was something about the key to my car being broken. Actually there were two keys and both were broken but one had actually broken off in the ignition so you no longer had to have the key to start it and i thought "oh so that is how the car got stolen but it doesn't explain how he got it back so easily." and the scene jumps and I am with some guy who is supposedly my husband and we are having a heated discussion about the car and I think there is something fishy going on with the broken keys. I am very angry at him and I suspect the car being "stolen" was about money he owed. I am seeing a small child we have together. I see him reach for something and ask him what he is doing. I grab it and he had pulled some zip like the zip on a paper envelope and these spiraled paper coins fall out. I pull what should have been a financial portfolio book out (are those real?) and it is just pretend. There is nothing inside except​ a couple pieces of paper fall out that I pick up. One is shaped like a gravestone and the other like a bird. The gravestone one had things written on it. It seemed like a name and a list of their wishes for an epitaph on their headstones. The top of this list said "family" and the only two names I could make out was my mom's and my cousin's. There were other names. I actually think there was another sheet like this only it was non-family and I didn't care about that one. The piece of paper that seemed to be shaped like a bird had been signed, like people had said nice things to him or something and I am getting images it was from co-workers in a hospital. I ripped it up in front of him and let it fall to the floor. I was so angry at him. I think I have in my head he has been cheating too. So not only had he squandered all of our money and left us deeply in debt, he had been sleeping with someone else. I am so angry. I scream at him to get out and leave. I don't want to see his face anymore. I think I woke around there.

Comments: So this is highlighting to me what needs to be worked on if I am to allow my "husband/brother" to help me out in here. The interesting part about this is that Infidelity has been a huge theme in my life...almost as if it was trying to teach me something. I have been surrounded by infidelity in my life and I have been very judgmental and rigid about it. I had a lot of loathing for the cheater...until I found myself in a situation where I was considering going down that path myself. It was only then that I could stop being so judgemental about it and try to understand where a person's head is at when they make those choices. It usually isn't black and white. Infidelity is usually a symptom of a bigger problem. It can be a problem with the relationship or the individual.

I truly believe​ that certain patterns will appear to try to teach us about who we have been out there. For instance, I have noticed a strong pattern of me being available for people anytime they need me, but I have not gotten the same in return. I can go, "woe is me" or think "Fuck! That is how I have made my partner feel out there....like I am not available when they need me, but they are always there for me." So if you take this into consideration, is it any wonder that my partner might have sought someone else who would make time for him when he needed someone? And this is where you say, "Karma!" And I say, "Not really." It is more like walking a mile in their shoes to understand how they have felt. That isn't really Karma. It is teaching empathy and understanding. But you can't really learn empathy from your experiences and patterns unless you understand that what you are experiencing is because you yourself have been this way. You will continue to have a pity party and wonder "Why me, Lord?" Lol Sorry, I don't mean to laugh at your pain but there is a whole lot of folks in here who struggle to take full responsibility for the things that show up in their lives. We all step inside for various reasons and experiences, but if you stepped into the "Tunnel of Love," you need to take note of your patterns to make amends if you have been an asshole like me.

Onto the clues of the two and how to identify them. I know that they are basically the same game so there are going to be some uncanny similarities present. But there will be some definite differences too. One game was shown as red and the other yellow. Those two colors help to identify them in dreams. One is very tall and one is small. Lions and cats are a symbol of the small one and wolves and ravens are a symbol of the tall one. One time they showed up as me wearing two different shoes only they looked very similar. I was determined to find a match to one of the shoes so stepping forward didn't feel strange. One is very funny and silly and the other is very sweet and kind. One is linked to Italy references and the other is linked to Greece (think Iliad).  One is Christmas and the other Halloween.

So what happens next? Who do I choose? Let's be honest, free will could still fuck me up the ass here. I want out of this game, so I will do whatever I must to complete the work I came in for and then leave. I can't do it alone. I need help. I need one of them to be brave enough to step forward and help me. I'm not eager for some fictitious fantasy romantic relationship. I want to get started on the work I am meant to do with one of them and then I want to go home.

I'm laughing as I bring this post to a close because I can't imagine why anyone would actually read all the way through. My "friends" are unavailable, so I talk to myself here.  If you make it all the way through, congratulations. Lol

Fuck This Game, Fuck Dreams and Fuck the Puzzles

I say the title of this blog to myself almost daily.

Most days have me turning all the information I have been given over and over and around and around to try to understand it. How many times have I combed through my dreams, signs and syncs?

It is confusing as fuck.

Just when I think I understand, I get thrown a monkey wrench and I have to concede that I don't fucking know anything. FUCK!

Sometimes I think I am on the verge but I am just unsure of myself and waffle.

Let me think out loud for you.

I know this is a game, a virtual reality, and, apparently, I am the ultimate gamer. I can't stop trying to figure this shit out and trying to make it to the next level until I can complete it and get out of here. Nevermind that I have a bucket on my head and I keep banging my head on the maze wall, eventually I will make it out of here if I don't give up.

One thing I am fairly certain of is that the portion of the game I am in, I helped create. In a dream it was seen as something like a Tunnel of Love at an amusement park, the only difference is there were two tunnels....the Tunnel of Love and the Tunnel of Certain Death. lol

Dream Journal Entry: March 29, 2017 I was dreaming about a game... Actually there were lots of them going on at once. Apparently one of my daughters thought it would be fun to mess with my game I had created and changed it a bit. She left her signature and illustrations to say "Mom, I have made your game more interesting. Come home now, love, Annabelle" I thought the illustrations were amusing. In some sections there were races. In another section there are spectators all watching. I made my way up to this one section that had two tunnels and it was meant to test your relationship to see if it would last. She had changed the right tunnel so that everyone met with a grizzly end if they chose to enter. The left one was designed so that at one end a person stood and projected their love for the other in and guided them through. You have to trust your partner to guide you. But Annabelle had changed the parameters to make it more difficult and something was going wrong with the readings on the computer. They were going to have to fix it. Meanwhile she and her partner were in the "tunnel of love" trying to navigate through the game. That is where I woke.

Dream Journal Entry: August 11, 2014 There was another part of a dream about going inside a tunnel. It is foggy. I can't remember the circumstances around the tunnel. But what it reminded me of was a giant drain pipe. There was no train in the tunnel. I want to say I went in on a bike and like there were two tunnels. I was thinking more in terms of wormholes.

There was a man...just now while I dreamed. He seemed to kind of like me. All these people came in the room. I already had a lit cigarette ( I don't actually smoke) and ended up lighting a second from a different pack and took a puff. People pointed out that I now I had two. And I was like, yeah, so I do. I mentioned something about being sleepy and I couldn't wake up. That I was not awake enough yet to be smoking and I put the first cigarette out and handed the second to the guy who I had been flirting with and he had been flirting back. I remember touching him on my way out and him touching me. It was obvious we liked each other but all of these people were around. And then I started to wake.

Comments: I think the theme of being so sleepy I can't see or hear clearly is me trying to wake from my amnesia. I want to remember but I feel clouded. The cigarettes, I think, represent two people. The first one I start to smoke but then put out but keep the second lit and give it to the guy I am into. See, what I didn't point out about the two cigarettes is that the first that I was smoking was a normal size. The second I lit up was thinner than normal and considered feminine, a girlie cigarette. When I put out my cigarette, the first one, at first I was trying to put out the tip to save it for later, but in my sleepy stupor I was having trouble putting it out. I basically crumpled it into the tray but it was still smoldering so I set the tray on the floor away from everything so it didn't get knocked over and start a fire.

"It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities."
J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (Harry Potter #2)

So let's assume I came in here with a partner. Oh, but wait. No. There are two because I am shown over and over a triangle in dreams. Not only are there two but they are shown as basically the same game, two different colors.

Dream Journal Entry: December 9, 2014  There was another part where I had pulled up to a gas station. I think someone was with me...a female. I went inside and was asking the gas station attendant for cigarettes. He thought he had given them to me but he hadn't. He had to fiddle with the thing on the high up shelf they were on and finally produces a pack. Instead of leaving, I find myself playing some hand-held game they had there and I remember writing something in at the end about liking both Jimmy and Tom....thinking they were both attractive. Jimmy was there with the games and Tom was the gas station attendant who had given me my cigarettes. I hand the game over knowing they would be able to see what I wrote eventually. There was two newer versions of the the game....one in red and one in yellow and Jimmy was comparing the red and yellow games to make sure both had all the same bits like controllers and whatnot. Then it seems a group of us had to all hide in the back room because someone was coming in who shouldn't see us there. The back room seemed like a bedroom and had a bed. Jimmy was the only one who stayed out front. I heard something about babies and a warning but I can't remember specifically what was said. I woke up there.

Dream Journal Entry: May 13, 2017 I heard someone say in my dream last night that Deryck was way behind in the race.

Comments: The race reference triggered a curious bit of dream I remember (but can't find right now) where I saw two riders on bikes and both had threes on their backs. One was seen pulling ahead of the other.

In a different dream I am faced with someone I know only to discover that the character I have gotten to know is not the original person I met and thought he was. It felt like when they replace an actor in a soap opera but kept the same character in play. I knew this other one better but he wasn't who I thought he was and there were those who wanted to keep me from the original. I don't think it is malicious. It is just gaming strategy to make it harder to achieve the end goal.

I think I have figured out that there are two different voices trying to guide me while I am in the tunnel which is why I am getting conflicting information about each at different times in dreams. I have heard the word "Iliad" in my dreams and have had signs and syncs about this being a story about two guys competing for one girl.

"But aren't dreams all subconscious? Surely you can't be lied to in dreams by your subconscious, right?" you might be thinking.

The answer is definitely dreams are far from all subconscious. If they are your tool of choice for guidance in the game and you have two competing people, guidance is going to get confusing as fuck and you will be cursing daily like me. lol And I have only just understood this today. Sometimes one character is shown in a negative light and then on other occasions, the other one is shown as less than savory. Am I being lied to? No, I don't think it is lies but strategy and the perspective of the competing person. I see what they perceive the other person to be but see it in a way where it is being acted out in dream time.

I was getting these race/competition references and in my waking state it feels like I was the only one working for contact with anyone and doing all the heavy lifting. When I finally understood that the race was taking place while I slept, it all made a lot more sense.

There is still a lot I don't understand that isn't clear to me, but at least the water isn't quite as murky as it had been. I still have no real idea who I am over there in the really real world but I have some pretty good guesses about aspects of who I am. When I think of myself, I see me as a tattooed, blue haired, bad-ass scientist/therapist drinking "the nectar of the gods" (aka coffee) who helped to develop this program we are all in.

Our amnesia that is put in place to help us really get into character in the game caused us to forget it isn't real and forget why we were even here. We have developed Stockholm syndrome for the game. We love Gaia and all of her creatures because we believe they are real. All the while our love and concern for a place that is all 1111s and 00000s. We fell in love with the illusion. Choosing our real life is hard because it requires a lot of hard work and letting go of the illusions we have grown so attached to. 

I'm not saying go out and be a monster now because our choices in here DO matter. I'm not saying go out and kick a puppy because it isn't real. I am saying detach enough so that you can discover who you really are at the core and can choose your real life over the illusion. When enough people choose their real life, the veil drops and we all wake up and go home.

No matter how frustrated I get with trying to figure it all out, I often tell my friends that I am a salmon. A salmon swims up stream against the current. It is a long and difficult journey. They become battered by the rocks and by the time many of them reach the spawning grounds, they have lost much of their color and turned white. After they do what they need to do at the spawning grounds, they die. Some salmon never reach their destination. Some die trying. 

I will just keep swimming until I get there or die trying.

As Dory likes to sing, "Just keep swimming! Just keep swimming!"


   

Disclaimer

As the title of my blog suggests, "Musings From My Journey," the blog entries that appear here are from my journey as I am going along. Yesterday I was trying to clear out old drafts and posts that I never intended to re-post again. I cringe when I read some of my older posts sometimes because I don't always hold those same beliefs anymore. The dilemma is, do I leave them "as is," take them down, edit them, or simply add a disclaimer?

I have decided that I will leave them "as is" because they reflect my journey and where I was at at that time. I have always maintained that what I believe is always changing and evolving as I go along. If you start from the beginning, you can definitely see my growth and development. If someone comes here and resonates with an old post, I guess it is right for them for where they are on their own journey.

Discernment is always necessary, especially for those on a spiritual journey of self discovery. So I urge the reader to take with them what resonates and leave the rest. And when that nugget you took with you no longer feels right, take it out of your pocket and simply let it go. That is what I have done and will continue doing until I reach the finish line of this maze.

I hear there is a party being planned for those who reach the finish line.

I will see you there.

Happy travels!

Assorted Original Poetry and Creative Writing

I find a lot of beautiful photos and sometimes can't find the quotes or words that feel like they match, so I have been inclined to write original material for those photos. I am going to try to put it all on one post for the curious and those who appreciate​ art in its many forms. These appeared first on My Instagram account.

Photo by Regina Relang, Paris 1953

She was a wildcard.
It wasn't obvious to most.
On the surface she looked placid and serene.
No one could tell there was an inferno raging inside her that threatened to unleash itself in a mighty explosion, reducing to ash those nearest to her heat.

Written June 25, 2016
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I'm not like the others.
It doesn't take much to recognize that fact.
But it takes a rebel, a fellow warrior soul to stand beside me openly in certain circles.
It takes a fearless person to openly show support and understanding without regard for those who have disdain for me, because there are many.
Only a very special few will have what it takes.

Written November 3, 2016 
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Photo of Teya Salat by Elzaran at DeviantArt

I don't need anyone to believe me for my truth to be true for me.
I don't need anyone to understand my truth for my truth to be true for me.
My journey is my own.
It is okay if you don't approve.
It is okay if you don't support me.
It is okay if you don't understand.
Please don't tell me how to navigate MY journey.
I am strong enough to navigate successfully completely on my own.
When you get upset by MY truth and are triggered, that is an issue with YOU and not me.
If you are unsettled by MY truth, look inside to find out why because it has nothing to do with me nor will it change what is true for me.
Your fear based concerns are unwarranted and unwelcome.
I share my journey to help open a dialogue and, perhaps, help someone on a similar journey.
It is not an open invitation for you to tell me what to do and how to live.
I am not asking for advice.
I am sharing.
Acceptance and respect of another person's truth costs nothing but are invaluable.

October 14, 2016
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Photo by Noell S. Oszvald

There I was
My face against the door
Begging you to let me in
But you couldn't hear me
Just silence
You gave me in return
Like a boa constrictor
Slowly squeezing my heart
My kindness
Was a small seed planted
Watered by hope it sprouted
But neglect caused it to wither
Emptiness
Sadness and heartache dwell
Where once inspiration lived
Tears replace written words
Letting go
Is harder than most imagine
Turning and walking away
My heart bleeding with each step

April 14, 2016
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Art by Tom Bagshaw

I would rather be hated for who I authentically am than loved for pretending to be someone I am not. I am not a quiet and timid church mouse. I am a bold and fierce lioness and I roar. To ask me to be a timid mouse is to ask me to pretend to be something I am not. I am who I am and you can either accept me for exactly who I am in this now moment or you can fuck off. It is that simple.

Written May 14, 2016
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Photo by Julla Berglund

There I was
Thinking I was finally getting somewhere
But the winds of truth derailed me from my tracks
I laid breathless
On the edge
Wondering how I could go on

Written June 14 2016
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Photographer Unknown

Sometimes I feel like I am about the only person brave enough to swim out into the deep parts of the ocean while everyone else is left wading on the shore.

Written July 7, 2016 
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Photo by Katarzyna Dembrowska

Sometimes it is there
Lurking
Quietly waiting
It catches me by surprise
When I hear certain words in a song
It spreads through my body
Enveloping me
Devouring my joy
Silencing my laughter
And replacing it with tears
Sadness

Written August 11,2016
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Photographer Unknown

I always wake feeling tired
I drink my coffee
Go on hikes
Commune with nature
But nothing really helps
I go to sleep and enter dreamland
Why do I always have to wake?
Why do my eyelids open?
When I often long to stay
Maybe my tired goes deep
Maybe it spans many lifetimes
I am so tired
I am soul tired
I need released from this prison
A prison of flesh and bones

Written September 16, 2016

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Book art by Gertha Scholtz

In terms of digital communication and attention span, I often feel like I am an epic novel in a world of meaningless graffiti.

Written September 16, 2016
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Photographer Unknown

I stood on the banks
Of the shore of my sorrows
There I cleansed myself
With the water from my tears
What once was obscured
Came into sharp focus
When I took my nose away from the page
The landscape of my bigger picture
Opened up and revealed itself to me

Written September 30, 2016 
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Photographer Unknown

Sometimes you just have to let it out
Everything that has built up inside you
It isn't always predictable when it will come out
But when it does, it helps to have someone close
Who can comfort, support and have your back when you need to be covered

Written October 1, 2016 
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Photo by Ferdinando Scianna

Pop Quiz

It was just a test
To see what you would do
Just a little pop quiz
Yet the outcome I already knew
You set me apart
From the rest of the crowd
Forgotten and ignored
In the fields that I plowed
I lend you my strength
And you slam the door in my face
I give you support
But for me you make no place
My songs of wisdom
Are met with deafening silence
My raw honesty
Is met with heart violence
Perseverance
Is the lesson that you taught me
Never give up
Although I long so much to flee
Pain is my fuel
Neglect, excluded, verbal starvation
But your gift of rejection
Is the clay for my newest creation

Written October 5, 2016
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Photo by Ferdinando Scianna

I love you.
And I can love in whatever way you need me to.
I don't care if you are male or female.
I don't care if you are rich or poor.
I don't care how you wear your hair or what clothes you choose to wear.
I don't care if you are young or old.
I don't care what color or ethnicity you are.
I don't care what size or shape your body is.
I don't care if you have a religion or a political party.
The you I love is none of those things.
But while we are both here in the physical, I can love you in whatever form you need.
I can love you as a friend, as a mother, as a sister and as a lover.
I have already loved you as all of those and more in previous lives, so I can love you in whatever way you need in this lifetime, in this now moment.

Written January 20, 2017
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Photo by NASA Goddard Photos and Video

A sun is but a star in the sky. It burns hot and expends great energy so that one day it can be seen far and wide long after its heat and light has gone out. The stars we see at night are but an echo of a star long since gone. That is what you work for, my dear. The energy you expend now will burn bright for the world to see long after your human form is gone. You are not a moon who borrows the light of others. You are a sun and a sun creates light for others.  

Written April 9, 2016
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Photographer Unknown

Cherish These Moments

Here I am now
A new tomorrow has begun
Gradually rising
I look towards an eastern sun
Bright light awakens
In my smothering darkness, so new
Exploring unfamiliars
The bearer of the light was you

Hello happiness
I've missed you, where have you been
I've felt this way
Dizzy bliss, I can't remember when
Thank you I say
To the great Universe that has blessed me
Wandering emotions
I'm so alive now and quite happy to be

Terracotta sunshine
Breathing warm life into my soul
Missing puzzle piece
Has come to fill the gaping hole
Slowly it's formed
There is my cloud with a silver lining
Ray of hope is you
In a blanket of rain you came through shining

Chorus:
On the wind
I ride
On my lips
A name
Cherish these moments, I do
As our lives
Collide
As we find
New fame
Bright star in my eyes is you
Erasing scars
I hide
Erasing all
My pain
Cherish these moments, I do
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Art by Oksana Dimitrenko

Note To Self

Where do you find dignity
When you can't feel anymore
How can you live your dreams
When you have shoved them out the door

Life is a constant struggle
Between what is good and bad
And when you lose all hope
This world will seem quite sad

Like driving down a highway
Yet not having any direction
They tell you that they love
Yet you can see the rejection

The paths that we take
Have unexpected twists and turns
The salt poured in my eyes
Continues to sting and burn

How will you ever find love
If you won't answer the door
How can you find happiness
If you won't take chances anymore

Written March 22, 1987
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Photo by Joel Sartore

Is this all that is left
Of the world nature created
Some like to call it "progress"
Your progress is overrated

They say we've come far
From what we used to be
Poison air, concrete land
And death in a blackened sea

Intelligent lifeforms
They say this is man
With all of your knowledge
You can't solve the problem at hand
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Photo by Oleg Oprisco

Memories

I do remember
Although I want to forget
So much of my past
I continue to regret
All of the memories
I thought I'd locked away
Been brought to surface
How long shall they stay
Smoke in my eyes
Raining in my heart
Memories of yesterday
Still fail to depart
Like black thorny roses
They grow in the shade
A sunny day will come
And it all will fade
Words on white paper
Have left me cold
And they'll be there
When I'm grey and old
If I burned the journals
Would the memories remain
Ashes fall from my hands
In my head, still the names

Written June 16, 1987
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Photo by Oleg Oprisco 

So many truths
Remain untold
Waiting for answers
To unfold
Tears would fall
If I could cry
My blood is sand
My eyes are dry
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Photo by Anka Zhuravleva

Queen of her world
Doing what she wants
But she's so alone
So many dreams she has
Living deeply inside
This bird has never flown

Ballerina at a ball
Dancing by herself
Dancing to her own tune
Walking in the dark
Wishing upon a star
Singing to the moon

Written October 18, 1987  
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Photo by Natalia Drepina

What is the point of hoping
When I know it's all in vain
What is the point of wishing
When I know it's just a game
It's all the same
And what is the point of wanting
Something that will never be
Why do I keep giving
Silence brought me to my knees
Please let me leave
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Photo by Mrs White Photoart

I stand alone
Braving the storm
Daring it to knock me from my perch.
My balance wavers
I can barely breathe
The wind roaring so violent around me
My is face damp
From streaming tears
Searching deep inside for strength to go on
Turning myself
Inside out and open
I stretch my wings and prepare to take flight
I've come this far
Can't turn back now
I will do what I have come here to do

Written February 27, 2017
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Art by Harry Clarke

Before you can be something new, the old you must die. The old you must burn away into ashes. Turn to ash all of the masks once worn in the game. The journey of self discovery has no room for pride, lies, or illusion. It strips away what isn't really you and incinerates it so that you may become the Phoenix and fly free...fly home.

March 15, 2017
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Art by Emily Balivet

I was talking to my cousin and I asked him, "How would you slay a dragon?" He said something about shooting an arrow at it. I told him, "No, that is not how you slay a dragon. You slay a dragon by giving it love and understanding."

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Art by Tom Bagshaw

Darkness is beautiful, yet so many run away from it. They shield their faces from the darkness in others and especially the darkness in themselves. They shout "the devil" and "evil" and claim outside forces such as negative entities and attachments while never taking full responsibility for their darkness. It is a sad lonely child waiting to be embraced and loved for the beauty and uniqueness they possess. Anger and depression cast out like it is a demon to be exorcised. What if instead of trying to cast out what is half of the human experience, we embrace it, love it, hold a space for it and appreciate it for being the fire capable of transforming us...capable of burning away all that we once were and creating balance. We talk about bringing back the sacred feminine but the sacred feminine IS darkness and yet you shun her as something outside of you. She is Kali and she will destroy what needs to be dismantled so that she can create new fertile soil for planting new seeds. Balance is always key and your darkness is begging to be loved, understood and acknowledged. 

March 22, 2017
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Photo by Olga Miropolskaya

You are my entire world," she told Raven.

"That is very sad," said the bird.

"But why? Does it not please you to know you mean so much to me?" she asked feeling confused.

"It is sad to know you mean so little to yourself and that your happiness is so fully dependent on me," replied Raven. He then stretched out his great wings and flew away, never to be seen again.
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Art by Tom Bagshaw

Today a Sum41 fan commented about something I said to Deryck. They said, "Jesus lady why so deep haha"
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I had mused in a comment as I sometimes do here on my own page but it was directed toward Deryck. I was kind and thoughtful. My response to the individual?
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"oh wow! Who told you about my past life as Jesus?!? 😱 "Jesus lady" I was keeping that a secret. 😂 You know, yesterday was my day of actual Resurrection and all so I guess it was bound to get out. See, I can be humorous and pointless at times but depth and substance is my nature. @sum41 can easily scroll through the comments that all pretty much say the same thing...And some say nothing in particular at all. They are kind of like junk food. It tastes good but it doesn't really fill you up and leave you satisfied. I like to offer something different, something meatier that will satisfy and stay with him longer."
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In a sea of forgettable one liner quips and emoticons, I aspire to be the giant fucking kraken here to grab hold of your ship and shake the shit out of it. It may only scare you so bad that you soil yourself, but at least you will sit up, take notice and remember me. Lol
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Photo by Ida Wyman, 1943

"They call her "Little Miss Sassy Pants" because she says what is on her mind without reserve. When people tell her to hold her tongue, she sticks it out and holds it, but loses grip when the giggles creep in and take hold. She is defiant and strong-willed. Because of her fierce and strong nature, people call her "wicked" and "devil spawn". No, she cannot be tamed and all attempts will leave the trainer bloody and exhausted."

Written April 21, 2017
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Photo by Daria Hlazatova

Once the anguish and river of tears subsided
Once the desire to use razor sharp words to inflict a deep wound in the one who wounded me dulled to a quiet murmur in my head
A blanket of numb wrapped itself around me
At least I could breathe now
At least I no longer felt like I would spontaneously combust
I felt nothing at all
Just the familiar numb
A very old friend

Written April 29, 2017
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Photo by Yulia Brodskaya

It has always been there
A longing
A deep sense of knowing
This reality is not home
I have always felt it
So limited
Something is off
This was a glaring clue
I know I used to fly
I remember
In my dreams, I remember
But people don't believe
It never goes away
It remains
This longing that haunts me
I want to go home
  
May 10, 2017
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Photo by Silverrr-official at DeviantArt

Ice Queen

It didn't happen over night
It was gradual
One icy layer at a time
Each heartbreak added a layer
To keep the fragile pieces together
So that it didn't fall entirely apart
Her heart looked like a beautiful jewel
Glistening like a rose just after the rain beneath the ice
And no one could touch it anymore
The layers of ice give an illusion of strength
They act as her armor
They call her "cold" and "unfeeling"
They call her "the ice queen"
But without​ the ice she would come apart and her pieces would scatter in the wind
Lost
Forgotten

May 21, 2017 
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Photographer Unknown

The depths of the rabbit hole I dove into seem to be never-ending. It is like I am shouting from my depths hoping someone will be able to make out what I am saying, but mostly I just hear the echo of my own voice. I like myself, so that isn't all bad. 

May 22, 2017
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Photo by Mrs White Photoart

"I want to go home, Rabbit," she confided.
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"I know," he said solemnly.
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"But I can't remember how to get back or even who I am," she sighed sadly as they watched the waves roll in on the sand.
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Rabbit took her hand in his and said, "I will hold your hand until you can remember."

May 29, 2017
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Photo by Sarah DeRemer

Coffees​? Tea? Me?

Dark and delicious
Slightly mischievous
Strong and full of flavor
A taste you want to savor
Something to shake you up
Something to wake you up

Delicate and light
A sweetness so bright
Providing an immune boost
Helping brain fog be reduced
Hot, smooth and slippery wet
Take you higher, make you sweat

I'm all of this and more
If your key unlocks my door

Written June 12, 2017
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Photo by Kirsty Mitchell

She breathed out
Releasing it all on the invisible droplets of moisture that left her body
She breathed out
Letting go of all that would keep her from taking flight
She breathed out
Releasing her heart from the armor which protected but kept it heavy
She breathed in hope
Her heart shimmering
Delicate and fragile
Like butterfly wings

Written May 1, 2017