Hire Me, Please

I saved this meme weeks before it would become my reality. On Monday, I took my little 9 year old dachshund into the vet because she was breathing funny. She has some bad teeth that need to come out ASAP. The estimate for the procedure is $1500. As a stay-at-home-mom with no income, I thought "how can I make this happen?" I'm not ready to lose her and just give up on her, but I also don't have $1500 just laying around to use. We live paycheck to paycheck.

I asked my daughter's father to give me a job. I asked him to do this long before the pet healthcare emergency. His excuse is he isn't allowed to hire family. When they were desperate for staff, I asked him to talk to his employers and ask them to make an exception because I was available to work immediately and he was traveling two hours to work everyday anyway. This way we would have two incomes coming in for the amount of money he is spending on gas to keep the job. He simply ignores me every time I suggest it.

The reality is, I haven't had a proper job for 14 years since our daughter was born. We have homeschooled, but at nearly 14, I think she will be okay while I go to work. The problem is, it's been so long that I have worked that all of my work experience and contacts are too old to use and I haven't stayed in touch with the former employers enough to use them as references. In my spiritual journey, I let go of all of my friends, so I not longer have personal references either. 

My daughter's father seems content to keep me trapped as an indentured slave. Sure, I get housing and food but no money of my own and no extras like clothes and vet care for my dog. His solution is always "go get a job" and yet he is unwilling to try to give me an opportunity to help me get back on my feet so that I have experience and references again.

My other limitation is that I don't own a vehicle and, when he goes to work, he is 2 hours away so using his vehicle isn't even a possibility most days. I either have to be able to walk to work or it has to be on a bus route that is easy to get to. 

I have a good driving record. I successfully drove across to the east coast and back to the west. If someone had a car and needed me to drive them around, I could do this. I have no criminal record, I have high morals and I have a strong sense of right and wrong. The best and worst quality about me is my honesty. I'm very honest, but not everyone always wants an honest answer.

"What is my skill set?" you might wonder.

I'm skilled at taking care of people, animals, houses, etc. I was a nanny for 17 years and I raised my daughter for the last 14. That's 31 years in total of taking care of people. I cook, I clean, I wash dishes, I do laundry, I mow lawns, I buy groceries, I drive people where they need to be, and I clean a whole lot of poop. Literally and emotionally. I'm a good conversationalist, I don't watch much TV. I write poetry and love to go hiking. I love to listen to music and love to swim.

I'm not materialistic. I would rather have experiences than things. I don't smoke or drink. I have never been interested in being in an altered state and I am not all that adventurous. I don't mind new experiences, but I am mostly content with living a simple and calm life. 

While I sometimes need someone to help coax me into new experiences, I am what some would call a "freak". I have weird beliefs and put a lot of myself and my growth experiences out there for anyone to read should they want to. This can seem quite risky and dangerous to those not used to revealing much about their inner world. And, the thing is, I don't want to have to hide this about myself for a job. I want to be accepted openly for my weirdness and all the other assets I bring to the table. I want a job where I can be me openly and you can be you openly and maybe we will even become great friends.

I don't want to be an indentured slave anymore. I want to be paid for the things I do. I want someone who will appreciate what I do and would never refer to it as me "doing nothing all day". I want a living wage where I can gain my independence and live on my own comfortably and not just paycheck to paycheck. I want to laugh a lot and love my life.

Maybe you are someone who needs what I have to offer and can monetarily compensate for what I can do for you. I'd be willing to relocate if necessary, but I really do love Oregon very much, so if you live in Oregon, too, that would be most excellent.

Dear Universe, 

This is me asking for for help. This is me saying, I need a job so I can save my dog but also live an independent and happy life. Please send me an opportunity that is perfect for me.

Love,

Oktobre

The Virgin's Revenge Part Two

Collage art by muminalab (IG)

In-between Communication: May 4, 2020

"She's about to lose everything and she's going to fight back." I was seeing AG "She sees you as a threat to her security."

Caravaggio's Medusa & Janet Leigh in Psycho Collage by Luigi Tarini

Dream Journal Excerpt: November 20, 2019

At one point I saw her turn into Medusa and thought "she turns people to stone." 

Art by Dung Ho

Dream Journal Excerpt: February 27, 2019 

Just before I woke I heard, "He sacrificed her for you." I then saw a sword stab and go through all the pages of an open book. I couldn't tell you what kind of book it was, just that it was thick and had calligraphy style writing on it. And at that point I heard, "Mary, a boy child will to be born to you..." 

Comments:

Birth of a son is not always a physical birth of a baby boy.

Sometimes the birth of a son (sun/masculine) is allowing energy inside our fully formed human vehicles so it can merge with our own and is for the highest good of all. It transforms us entirely and we are born anew.  

The Virgin's Revenge

Collage art by Beto Val (elbetoval on IG)

In-between Communication: March 15, 2022

I heard, "Get ready for the virgin's revenge."

Bands of Support

Photo art by MILOŠ SIMIĆ

I've deliberately been trying to forget my dreams. I haven't been in a mood to write them as much, but sometimes I hear and see things that keep rattling through my brain.

This morning I heard, "Allow Spirit to flow through you."

My response to that was "Fuck you, I've let Spirit guide me all this time and it has gotten me no where."

I still remember something I saw on a different morning. I saw an image of my hernia band. At the time, I thought it odd and tried to decipher the symbolism. I thought, "A band of support." 

That alone didn't mean much at the time until I was having a conversation in chat where someone brought up the possibility of Keanu Reeves having a conservatorship placed upon him like Britney Spears did. I told the person that I had brought the idea up before, but no one responded. We both agreed that if Keanu was under a conservatorship, it would explain a lot of the odd things that have been taking place. We also both agreed that if he came forward and spoke out about what was happening to him, that fans and the general public would band together to support him until he has control of his own life again....a band of support like the image I saw.

Here's the thing, Keanu, we tried it your way and it just hasn't been working. Maybe the Universe is trying to get you to put your pride aside, ask for help and tell the truth out in the open for everyone to hear. Maybe it is time to do that thing you are so afraid of so that you can finally be free. I don't know how long the conservatorship has been in place, but I know that something happened to you after a vaccine. That's what I heard in the in-between, remember?

January 22, 2020

They just showed me Irina, a fb friend. I was trying to figure out why and then heard....

They want me to tell you (Keanu), "A vaccination did this to you. It jumbled your brain."

Irina is someone who suffered vaccine damage after getting the HPV vaccine. She suffered debilitating problems afterwards. She isn't the first person I have heard this from. 

Then there was this bit:

August 27, 2021

I looked in a mirror and I was surprised by how I looked just like Britney Spears. I then heard,

"He sees himself as being like Britney Spears."

I dream from within you and see through your eyes. You know this. I asked myself, "Why does he see himself like Britney?" The only thing that makes sense is having a conservatorship placed upon you as well.

I once heard:

December 6, 2019

Just before I woke I was seeing a bear with a black and white bull's-eye on him. It seemed like he was going to speak but didn't. I then heard, "They are forcing me not to speak to you." I replied, "There is no "forcing" there is only choice. It is a choice to be obedient and not speak to me. It is a choice to do as they wish."

I didn't understand it at the time, but if a conservatorship is in place, I guess it makes a lot of sense because they have complete control over your life, just like Britney's father did over hers.

I guess this is me letting Spirit flow through me, because here I am, still, despite my best efforts to let it all go due to frustration and feeling like it was going nowhere fast. 

I'm still here and I still want to help even though I know one of my lessons has been not to take on shit that isn't mine. Why else would I be given all of this information for you, about you, if I wasn't meant to somehow help?

Based on what Spirit has shown me, I now believe fully that you have been placed under a conservatorship. Trying to damage your image hasn't worked. Saying shocking things in interviews hasn't helped. I am convinced that the only thing that will help is stepping forward, asking for help and hiring a lawyer to get your life back from whomever has the control.

What are you waiting for? 

When you gain your freedom, we will finally be able to talk to each other unrestrained, without interference, and maybe even in the same room over coffee. Wouldn't that be amazing? 

My Boyfriend, David

Art by Rebecca Léveillé-Guay

Dream Journal Entry: March 19, 2022

I dreamed about being with Inara at home but it wasn't the home I am familiar with. We were listening to the music rather loud and there might have been a storm outside. Inara is saying that she thought she heard someone at the door. I was dubious and told her I hadn't heard anything. She said she had and went to open the door to see who it was. She announces, "It's your boyfriend, David." Oddly, it feels like I have never met him in person and this appearance was unexpected. 

I am now seeing images of him from before he arrived. I am seeing him very heavy initially, and then I am seeing him as very thin. I have a knowing this is about emotional weight in that he was initially emotionally heavy because he kept everything in, but now he had been able to release the weight. He looked part Asian and was smiling because he was happy to see me.

I remember being intimate with him on the stairs, at first, and then thinking maybe we should go somewhere more comfortable.

I just remembered a bit where I heard him say, "I don't want to keep you stalled."

Inside Out

I dream from within others.

I've mentioned it before. I get a glimpse of their inner worlds, which says pretty much everything about who they really are as people or where they are currently at in those moments. All the stuff that people try to hide, I see. I don't always know who I am dreaming within, but sometimes it is obvious. 

It all has to do with whose energy I am connecting to at any given time. Last night's inner world I saw was vastly different from the inner world I saw on the previous night. Last night was filled with me trying to dodge catastrophe. An avalanche of stones were crumbling and falling on the population below. Everyone was running for cover. At times, it felt like some sort of race I was navigating and there were many points in which it felt like I wouldn't be able to get through, but did. Near the end, there was a small red room up high in which I am being told by the man with me that River used to live there but he was dead now. I remarked what a small room it was and how uncomfortable it must have been for him to live in such a small space. The man with me was carrying my baby, but loosely and there was danger of the baby falling from the heights we were at and dying. I got nervous and told him to hold onto the baby tighter so that he didn't fall. I told him if he let my baby die, I would kill him.

Illustration by Kay Nielsen, Words added by me.

The thing is, so often and with so many people I've been friends with, I have accepted that tiny room in their lives. Red is root chakra and often having to do with matters of survival. People often only come to me when they need me, they need my calm, they need me to lean on, they need a crutch and a supportive voice to cheer them on. When their world is falling apart, I'm the one people come to. 

The dream was showing someone who was experiencing chaos and crisis. There were repeated struggles and parts they didn't think they could get through. The "race" didn't have to be so difficult and, at times, it felt like the difficulty level was deliberate as a sort of testing. We have all experienced people who want to test us endlessly because of their own insecurities and trust issues.

Each of us as individuals are responsible for our own inner world. We are also responsible for who we invite into that inner space through connecting to their energy, so the wise person will be very discerning about who they connect with.

By KENXY (Kenji Takahashi) at DeviantArt

I'm guilty of allowing people to put me in a tiny red room like a fire alarm or axe labeled "in case of Emergency". I've allowed it because, in my warped sense of love, being needed felt like love. All being needed is is one half of codependency. I liked helping and taking care of people...to a fault, to a point it was detrimental to me and I am always in a loop of giving way more than I am receiving. I'm used to operating on emotional gas fumes, but it isn't a healthy place to be. When there wasn't someone needing me, I felt lost and without purpose. Being needed had become part of my identity.

Before I went to bed, I received a text from my ex BFF that said, "I miss you." I looked at the text without actually opening it and thought, "I can't respond to this right now." All kinds of thoughts were going through my head like, "You were the one who threw me away. You are always the one to end our friendship and I'm just supposed to accept you back like nothing happened." This has been the pattern.

In my mind, I believe the inner chaos I was seeing was hers because this is pretty much what she has been like during the 30 years I have known her. I don't hear from her for a long time and then, all of a sudden, she calls crying with a crisis. She also, like the first person POV in the dream, is the one to swiftly kill people off when they upset her, rather like they never meant anything to her. And people always accept her back, it's not just me she has this yo-yo pattern with. I guess that is her coping mechanism, which isn't very mature or healthy. If you actually love someone, wouldn't it be more productive to talk out the issues and work through them?

It's not that we shouldn't be there for people and care about each other. I think we should care about each other and want to give someone a boost when they are down. We all go through those low points. Thankfully, we don't all go through those low points at exactly the same time. We just need to be able to identify people who are vacuums, where the situation can easily become draining, codependent and unhealthy. We need to resist falling into those cycles...both of being the vacuum and being the over-giver kept in a tiny room up high in case of an emergency.

Art by Johfra Bosschart

The key is always balance, but becoming skilled at being able to recognize threats to our balance can also help us maintain it.

The Time Is Now

Rewriting the Script.

I share this dream for me because I believe the part about going into Laura's Aunt's house was me seeing from the perspective of someone stepping into my inner world and being overwhelmed by the beauty there. That's what I seek in a partner... someone who sees me like this dream...as so beautiful they never want to leave.

Dream Journal Entry: June 9, 2020

I dreamed about finding big dog shit just outside my door. That was dark colored. Then when I turned around and looked on the dresser where I placed my phone, sunglasses and things, there was a fresh pile of light colored dog shit on my phone that I was going to have to clean up. I couldn't believe the dog was able to get up there and take a crap but I never actually saw a dog.

I vaguely recall something about Kurt Cobain. At first he wasn't talking to me and then later he was. There were these tins of Campbell's tomato soup that were rigged to be batteries and they acted as lights. The lights were going out because the energy had run out. I tried to figure out how to make a battery out of a tomato soup can but I couldn't figure it out. I touched the top of the old "batteries" and they started to explode. As one started to spill it's contents, I gathered it up in the old green blanket it was spilling on so that the entire bed wasn't messed up. Kurt or someone said they thought that it was a clever idea to do that.

There was something about Inara really liking a pair of red plaid pants Kurt had and he said she could borrow them. He said he would be back through in 6 months and could always get them back then.

There were parts I seem to have lost that were about music and playfulness but I can't remember specifics.

Later, I dreamed about going with my friend, Laura G, to her aunt's house. There was a secret way in. I thought I would have trouble going through the opening but it was bigger than I expected and I was able to get in with ease. Once inside, I looked around and marveled at how pretty it was. The furnishings were antiques but in good condition. There were lots of products she had sitting about like sweet treats.

We were getting ready to leave and this tiny black woman with loose curly hair came out in pajamas. She was wondering what we were doing there. Laura let her know she was the niece of the woman who lived there. The black woman was following us out. I was looking at her and thought she was just so beautiful and I told her so. She wondered if I was being sincere. I assured her that I was, at which point she invited us back into the house. 

She was talking about how they really liked native American food here and was one of the products being offered. I perused the items on the shelves and thought they were all so lovely. I looked out the window and it was now light outside and I could see a magnificent mountain view. I gasped at how beautiful the view was and said that I could stay here forever. I moved to get a different angle of the view and could see the house was perched on the edge of a cliff alongside a great river. You could feel the wind moving the house slightly. I remember hoping that the house was secured to the cliff so there was no danger of a collapse to the rocks below.

I remember fiddling with some heart shaped sugar cookies on a mantle. I think I wrote on something like a business card and left it among the cookies for the Aunt to find when she came back. I don't remember much else.

Oh yeah, I forgot that it was mentioned that this house was known to be haunted...that spirits were known to come and go. I found this intriguing. There was a particular closet that looked more like a wardrobe that was said to be a haunted spot. Something was said about a stain on the wood that would just keep coming back no matter how many times they tried to clean the wood.

I also remember something about running and jumping through walls. Lynn was with me. She had taken off her outer shoes to reveal barefoot running shoes. I already had socks on that basically served the same purpose.

Rewriting a Love Story

Art by Gustav Klimt

My guides have said that something can happen faster if two people are imagining and wanting the same thing. 

Love and connection has been elusive for me my entire life.

I want to imagine it to make it happen faster, but I have no face, no name to imagine. I don't have enough information and facts and so I imagine nothing and nothing is what I have manifested. 

I don't want to imagine a life with someone who isn't willing to take action towards me and isn't willing to give as much as they take. That doesn't turn me on to imagine that. What kind of life would I have with someone who can't show up for me now? Why would they bother showing up for me in a relationship if they can't muster even a little bit now?

I can't imagine a life with someone who can't find it in themselves to be fully open and honest. That is what I bring to the table and that is what I want to experience in a partner.

I can't imagine a life with someone to whom I can't talk about the things that matter most to me. Being ridiculed and diminished for my beliefs really wouldn't foster a deeper connection. I've already experienced a lot of that and it just causes me to build my walls a little higher, a little thicker.

It's all great and fine to have inner masculine and feminine union, but where is that outer manifestation of it? I thought the outer would follow and it hasn't.

I don't date. I never really have.

I'm not going to go out to look because I don't think that's the way a deep connection will happen. I tend to think a friendship has to be the foundation and then trust has to be built on that.

Passion is lovely, but it's fleeting.

Dear Universe, I'm ready for real connection. Can you hurry up, please? I'm bored of waiting and my faith that it will ever happen is starting to wane.

Hide and Seek

Hide and Seek by Merab Gagiladze

I mostly hide when it comes to selfies. I prefer sharing my internal world. Taking selfies definitely does not come natural for me. Usually when I do take a rare selfie, I don't post publicly. I take them so that my daughter will have pictures of me when I am gone. 

I think what I crave most is for someone to see me, really see me on the inside and fall madly in love with me so much that they can't imagine a life without me. That's why I share so much here.

I'm fairly certain that I am the only person who has fallen in love with the inside me, so it hasn't been all in vain. 

I post a picture of me mostly for me, but I guess it is for any of you who might want to familiarize yourself with my face as it is today.

 

Dead Connections and Yellow Dresses

Art by Masaaki Sasamoto

I was thinking, this morning, about this part of my recent dreams:

There was a weird bit of dream about my daughter dying but then being recycled, as in, she was immediately reborn and I knew she would grow at an exponential rate. I remember her being a baby and nursing her. I also remember in that scene something about a coffee pot showing up in a corner on a counter.

I didn't understand what it meant at the time. Seeing your child die is always disturbing, but I had to think about what it could mean symbolically. A child is born from a connection between two people. In this instance, we could say the connection died quite suddenly. I think the rebirth of her could represent a new connection will come in fast and furious, hence why she was reborn and grew at an exponential rate. Coffee always speaks to me of something that wakes you up. And a corner is a "right angle" so maybe it is saying this new connection, who is fully awake, will be right for me. Maybe this will be someone who comes to the connection as an equal ready to give as much as they take which is why the child...the connection...can grow very quickly.

Last night's dreams seem to confirm that the old connection is dying off.

Dream Journal Entry: March 7, 2022

I dreamed about K again. I was at his house and he is saying he wants to take me and the kids horseback riding. I agreed, but needed to take a bath (get clean) first. His kids also busied themselves with getting clean. I remember using his tub and I am using a green and white striped bar of soap I identify as Irish Spring. I thought I had gotten clean, but then I find myself rubbing some of the soap on my neck even after I had gotten dressed and now I need to go back to the tub and rinse it off. When I got back in the tub, I decided I needed to shave my legs. I'm concerned that time is running out and soon it will be too late to go horseback riding at all. The afternoon light is starting to fade. There is still time, but I have to hurry.

I grab one of J's razors thinking it was mine at first. I was running the razor up my legs but it wasn't getting much of the hair. That is when I realized it was an orange handled, single blade razor that was J's (the relationship isn't cutting it). I then retrieve my own razor which is pink and has 5 blades which does what I am trying to do.  

During trying to find my own razor, I found an empty dildo package that was set away as if in hopes no one would notice. The fact that the dildo was out of the package seems to suggest it had been, in fact, used. To me, this speaks of "he fucked himself".

K wants to give me a dress that belongs to J. It is yellow and has a bright cheerful scene embroidered on the skirt. He says she has had it for awhile but had never worn it all of this time, so he offered it to me. It looked like it would fit, so I agreed and took it with me. I vaguely recall a second dream where I asked J if it was okay if I kept her dress and she agreed she was never going to wear it, saying I could keep it.

I don't remember ever doing the activity that was planned. I just remembered the sense of time slipping away and that if we didn't hurry, it would be too late.

Oh yeah, I also heard, "It was predicted he would be an alcoholic."

Semi Trucks and Playgrounds

Photo by Ali Zolghadri

This post is for me...to document my thoughts and a conversation that led to conclusions and actions to move in a new direction. It's long and likely boring to most of you, so don't bother reading.

I was thinking about the last dream I posted and what a semi truck could represent symbolically. I have a brother and a couple cousins who drive semi trucks as their line of work. I thought about what their jobs involve.

They are hired to go pick up a lot of shit that belongs to someone else and then haul that shit and deliver it elsewhere. I thought about how I have been doing that for a long time... picking up other people's shit and hauling it around. It's not my shit to carry and yet I have still done it. I'm not even getting paid to haul it and yet I still do it.

The part about the little palm sized basket type things that were given out, but taken back later is going to take a little more explaining. The woven aspect of it could suggest a woven little package to "promote" a story or a cause. Baskets also have holes and tiny baskets wouldn't be able to hold much weight, so the promotion or story doesn't hold much weight.  I could clearly see this being about a recent dialogue I had where I have been regularly chatting with someone who uses the nickname, Clown. Turnip was there, too, and I have a hate/hate relationship with that one.

Clown has this story that she tells about having been stalked by Keanu Reeves, but if anyone else comes in saying something similar, she works to discount their experience, thus, invalidating them.  This was something that happened to me early on when I noticed weird shit was happening on my phone and things I had talked about in private conversations turned up in chat. It was like it was some kind of game and yet gaslighting took place regularly. Somehow Clown is supposedly the only one with a valid stalking story. 

We have had our disagreements, but I felt like I would boomerang back there every time I tried to leave. I didn't understand it. I left for about four months but eventually found my way back to that chat. Granted, I have learned a great deal about myself and gotten many lessons there, but, recently, it has been feeling more and more like my time there is drawing to a close. Last night's dialogue just solidified that feeling and turned it into fuel to take that action.

This is some of the dialogue that made me decide to take action in walking away from both the chat and carrying around other people's shit for them, including Keanu's:

turnip: will you guys post the new blind on IG or is it too hot topic?

red: Which one?

turnip: the one about Ripley

red: Already did.

turnip: oh ok sorry didnt see it

red: Clown didn't.

red: She doesn't want to drag Ripley.

turnip: neither rose

red: Has a soft spot for the kid.

turnip: "kid" 

red: I, however, feel like she is just like the beat poet trash already, so I did a whole series.

clown: I don’t like Ripley, but if she was abused, I don’t want to be part of taking her down any further.

clown: She’s sort of a non factor to me in relation to Keanu unless he was responsible in any way with her abuse.

clown: I guess I want to know more before taking out the goddaughter. I see her still in this adolescent phase.

clown: Or if he was involved in suppressing her abuse. That would interest me.

red: Isn't she nearly 30?

turnip: yes shes 30 I think

red: I say "kid" because she has arrested development like Keanu.

clown: But she behaves like an adolescent still rebelling.

red: Keanu is still in an adolescent stage, too.

red: Should I take it easy on him? 

turnip: it always makes me angry how in every job there was someone who was always causing trouble, working less, argued about everything and all I heard was "oh come on, you know hem/her" but when it came to me it was expected to be perfect

clown: He’s beyond repentance.

turnip: so when I see someone close to my age being assumed as a child, Im very annoyed

clown: Ripley still has her life ahead of her.

turnip: especially when they have privilege

turnip: and Im not downplaying the fact that she was molested

clown: I think she needs therapy while she’s still young. I don’t think she ever sought it out after she talked about abusing her gf.

turnip: she thinks shes a communist...shes uneducated and delusional so I dont see how she would seek actual therapy by an actual professional

red: She is having porn parties, encouraging drugs, paid sex. I have zero sympathy and will not spare her

clown: Again, very adolescent leanings in frame of mind.

turnip: yes absolutely

red: So is Keanu.

turnip: thats why it makes me angry

turnip: almost every job Ive had I had to accept that way more would be expected of me, all the while someone like her was excused for everything because "you know her/him...its like that"

clown: But I don’t see how bringing her in the picture is going to show a reason to attack Keanu.

clown: He’s her godfather, not her father.

clown: Is she the same as Hag? I’m not sure.

turnip: me neither at this point. I agree to that with you, I just imagines that more [eople would at least reposted the blind

turnip: thats what I found strange.

turnip: I mean everyone was reposting every other blind except this one thats why I asked

clown: I guess because the blind was out of left field like the Amanda and Rose Mcgowen being murderers and Keanu stalking Charlize. It came off to me like those blinds.

clown: The other blinds were blinds I sent to Enty or others talking about the charity sent in.

turnip: the thing is that erything mentioned in the blind is actual info found in Ripleys sm...so its not fake or something

clown: Those other blinds came from us, this one I have no idea.

clown: But Ripley also hasn’t said anything that hasn’t been somewhat vague.

turnip: maybe you think those came from you...maybe at the same time some other source was sending the same blind as you

turnip: and maybe the same source sent this one

clown: Could be, but we know those other blinds were from this camp.

clown: But I haven’t heard anyone talk about Keanu abusing Ripley in our camp.

clown: That’s why I said this came as a surprise out of left field.

turnip: thats why Im saying that maybe this camp just happened to be aligned with the source

clown: I can’t believe that entirely based on the older really whack blinds.

turnip: there was a halt in K blinds though wasnt there? and the they started again after the keanusance

clown: If Keanu did something to Ripley, I would hope she comes out with it.

clown: The Amanda/Rose one was right before Keanussance

turnip: maybe all this nice guy aggressive campaign is a precaution in case Ripley speaks

clown: I’m not sure when the Charlize one was

clown: It could be. @turnip: is a precaution in case Ripley speaks

turnip: like "look im a nice guy, you know me, now look at her...disturbed"

clown: Not sure the public will believe him over his Goddaughter if she came out.

turnip: and maybe AG is Ks agent to Ripley to encourage her to shut up with her manipulative talk

turnip: @clown I believe the public would believe K

clown: Part of them would, but another part would not and he would be cancelled.

turnip: unfortunately K has turned me into a very pessimistic person and I dont trust people anymore

clown: If it’s true, will she say anything or risk being cut out of his trust?

turnip: so I believe he has very good chances to come out of it unspoiled

turnip: or maybe she won't say anything, she will just keep hinting on it causing him lethal stress that will take him out

turnip: if its true, he deserves it

clown: I think if there is something, she’s too scared to get cut out of the money to say it outright.

turnip: very likely

turnip: anyways gotta go

clown: Have a good one.

turnip: I expect the worst from K

turnip: you too

turnip: you too have a good one I mean 

_______________________

I sat stewing, feeling frustrated at the holes and things Clown was now trying to take back. I thought about it all and how I was going to carefully word what I wanted to say.

_______________________

red: Double standards are a slippery slope. If you are keen on posting blinds and saying that the CDAN information is legit, you can't then take it back by saying this other one out of left field isn't legit. Don't believe that one but believe this one. Don't go after this person because they are basically an adolescent rebelling but go after this one who is doing exactly the same thing. You gotta do what you feel is right and I guess I do, too, which means no double standards.

clown: You can’t take Enty seriously period. He posts whatever for the most part. He’s the only one who will actually post our stuff.

clown: I take blinds individually.

clown: Just based on what Enty has posted in the past, I have to scrutinize. He will post any gossip.

clown: Do you actually believe Keanu stalked Charlize or that Amanda and Rose got together to murder Jennifer? It’s out there.

clown: But the charity shit from Hag and the pap calling isn’t left field. We have more to go on.

clown: This is what I’m doing. I’m not going to go down Ripley’s rabbit hole until I get some sense of who she is talking about and how that impacted her life. From what I gather so far, she feels like Brenda and/or Keanu suppressed her emotions in relation to her abuse. @red: You gotta do what you feel is right

clown: I do see a girl rebelling and acting out as a result of suppression and abuse. What happened though?

red: @clown: Do you actually believe Keanu stalked Charlize interesting considering part of your thing is that he stalked you. If he is, in fact, a voyeur of you, why would it not be possible that he stalks multiple people?

red: @clown: Amanda and Rose got together to murder Jennifer? yes, I definitely believe Amanda had ill intent and have no doubt she could persuade a bestie to help clear the place next to Keanu.

red: These are all people with no moral compass.

red: @clown: I do see a girl rebelling and acting out as a result of suppression and abuse. What happened though? and I see a boy in Keanu rebelling who was also abused, neglected and many other horrors, but I am still holding the boy and the man accountable for their poor choices. I will do the same for the goddaughter. If she follows in his footsteps, she will go on to repeat what was done to her. In fact, she already has by admitting she was physically abusive to her girlfriend.

red: A 30 year old woman close to the Target is fair game.

red: We should just hope she ODs before she reproduces and does the shit to her own kid only repeating the cycle.

red: She is a drug addict that supports and encourages that lifestyle.

clown: I don't even post all of entys blinds. He's just a tool for getting our shit that no one else will post out. He's not the voice of truth.

red: I see.

clown: I think Keanu is too much of a coward to stalk someone in power like him. Plain and simple, he looks for weak targets.

clown: Might be why he doesn't date peers.

clown: He's a predator seeking easy prey who he deems weak.

clown: What has Ripley done that is criminal?

red: Anyone who hacks and violates the privacy of others would have no issue hacking anyone, especially peers he feels are better than him.

clown: No wait, she did abuse her ex and should pay for that.

red: Selling sex and drugs are illegal.

clown: Hacking other elites is more risky.

clown: Well I don't have a pribi with selling sex or drugs. I'm libertarian in that respect.

red: I do.

clown: That's my standpoint so I think the only thing she needs to pay for is the abuse of her ex. That means more to me.

red: I don't claim any political party.

clown: I'm independent but I align with parties on some issues.

clown: I posted an excerpt from her book on the forum. I haven't finished it, but I will read it to see if she reveals anything.

red: Big business, big government and organized religion are basically the same. Greedy motherfuckers who want money and power.

clown: I don't believe in incriminating drug users or sex workers.

clown: We need to fight the system, not the victims.

red: Victims?

clown: And I don't believe Keanu is a victim.

red: How is a drug user a victim?

clown: Addiction isn't always a choice.

red: It is.

clown: It's a disease.

clown: Prostitution isn't always a choice. It's survival for some.

red: It's only a disease when it eats your brain, your liver, your kidneys. Then it is a disease. Until then, it is a choice.

clown: We need to help these folks, not persecute them.

red: Maybe we should feel sorry for Keke.

red: Not persecute him.

red: He had it in his genes.

red: Both of being a whore and a drug addict.

clown: It's genetic and nurture.

clown: But he has his whole life to get help and he didn't.

red: Ripley is going down the same path.

clown: And supporting hag has nothing to do with drug abuse.

red: Ripley supports hag, too.

clown: Then that's her path.

red: They are besties giving facials to each other.

clown: Supporting perjury and his fake PR has little to do with alcoholism.

red: You could say all of his poor judgements are due to reduced brain function as a result of long term drug use and alcoholism.

clown: I guess I really don't care about Ripley. Her ex needs to out her.

clown: His poor character is just him. Alcoholism is a consequence.

red: It literally shrinks and damages the brain. They don't think right.

red: If he has been an alcoholic since he was 17....

clown: My dad made it through alright. Not all of them do but he kept a level head.

clown: For me, it's more about character. Not all alcoholics and addicts are bad people. Keanu is a bad person.

red: I had to go next door to my neighbor's house because their young girls were crying because mommy and daddy wouldn't wake up.

clown: Keanu also is a drunk driver.

red: They left a fire going, the dog was outside.

red: Normally the mom wakes for everything.

red: But not last night and it terrified the girls.

red: They didn't even wake up when I rang the doorbell and came in.

clown: Yes, there are horrible drunks out there and child endangerment is a crime.

red: Both alcoholics and both having taken prescription medication on top of it. They were afraid they had died.

red: The girls.

red: They are 9 and 7.

clown: And this is a common story.

red: Unfortunately.

clown: It's horrible. Addiction is horrible.

red: It's still a choice.

red: It's a choice to be in denial.

red: It's a choice to take another drink.

red: It's a choice not to get help.

clown: It's a choice to not get help.

clown: Jinx

red: Lol

clown: That was eerie

red: Yeah. Lol

red: Anyway, maybe I'm just triggered and this is my own skewed lens, but it is what it is.

clown: I need to hit the TV and catch up on the news. I've been hooked on dalai Lamar all day and don't know what else is going on.

clown: I do have a different perspective because of my father.

red: Happy news watching.

red: Bye.

clown: Have a good night, or hellish one!

red: Thanks. Ditto.

___________________________

I'm a firm believer in practicing what I preach. The high morals and standards I hold other people to, I also hold to myself. If I am being hypocritical and not doing as I say I believe, then I make adjustments and admit my errors. Double standards are a deal breaker to me and the conversation just left all kinds of holes that didn't sit well with me.

Do I think that pushing PR that professes someone is such a nice guy who really isn't is okay? Absolutely not! 

Do I think it is okay for a guy to be driving drunk on a regular basis and getting away with it? Absolutely not! 

Do I think said person is in dire need of help? Absolutely!

Do I naturally care about people and want to help people? Absolutely and to my own detriment.

After the dream from last night and saying how glad I was that I don't have to deal with the semi truck anymore was showing me that I was finally ready to leave the job of hauling other people's shit. I was finally ready to not take on other people's shit as my responsibility.

Keanu's shit is his responsibility, not mine. 

I like to talk a lot about choices and, in this case, I have a choice to put the load down that I willingly took on but wasn't mine. I have a choice to set it down and walk away.

The chat that has become my own addiction I have a choice to walk away from and end the addiction. What I crave is real connection and I will never get it at that playground.

The deep blue car I was sitting in while it warmed up was about me warming up and thinking about everything that I wanted to say about all of this. I need to put it in written form so that, when I start to forget, I can come back here and remind myself why I walked away.

Do I care about Keanu's well being? Absolutely, but his healing is his responsibility. I don't want to be anyone's crutch and so I will discontinue trying to help him via badbleubunny and anywhere else.

I deserve a life with real connections with real people who want to step up to the plate and be equally present for me as I am for them. I won't settle for dishonest, double standard sort of people, no matter how much I like them. I deserve to have people in my life who have high morals, integrity and actively seek to heal and grow.

If I settle for faceless anon people who are noncommittal and not very invested emotionally, that is all I will ever get. I have to let go of what no longer serves me so that what is for my highest good can reach me.

I like Clown, but I think Clown sees the people she talks to exactly as she sees CDAN... As simply a tool for her to use for her purposes. It's unfortunate because I really like Clown, yet I can never imagine her letting anyone close enough to know her real identity. I can't imagine her ever having a conversation with me on the phone or in person.

I've had fun at her playground. I've grown, I've developed, but it's time for our paths to diverge because I no longer feel like Keanu is my problem or responsibility.

Live and let live.

I start a new chapter today.

Diana Hunting by Guillaume Seignac

Taking Things Back, Going Home

Photo by Yevgeny Khaldei, Kiev, 1969

Dream Journal Entry: March 6, 2022

I dreamed about being at some sort of event, some function. It was near the end of the event and I was making preparations to leave. I was getting ready to go back to Oregon and I was very happy about it. I was looking forward to being back home in Oregon. I was packing up my stuff and going through things, discarding what I didn't need or want. My partner and child were there, as well, and they were also packing up to leave. Sometimes it feels like a campground and all the campers are preparing to pack up and leave. As I am making my way out, I find these small little woven basket-like things that had been given out as party favors or promotion and they had been left behind by people. I was going to take one but the woman who had given them out wanted to take it back and keep it to reuse for later. Each one I found, she wanted to take back from me. It was confusing because she had given them out for people to take home, but was now taking back what was discarded by others. Her adult daughter and I made eye contact and she made a face that suggested she knew and understood my confusion. She said her mom did this all the time. She didn't like it and it was embarrassing. I had this sense that the woman who made the tiny woven baskets also did tarot readings and the daughter indicated that they were never any good or right. So, I left the baskets and started to make my way out.

I come upon a trans woman I identify as Lexi. She is someone I was asked to talk to in real life, which I did briefly. I said hello to her and blurted out, "you are just so beautiful!" At which point, I leaned in and kissed her lips and my hand made it's way down to her crotch to touch her ever so briefly. I was so shocked and surprised at what I just did that I pulled away quickly, apologizing. I said, "I don't know why I just did that. I'm not a spontaneous, impulsive person, especially with physical contact. That was so unlike me. I'm sorry." Lexi smiled and said it was okay and not to worry. We continued to stand very near each other and it was clear that there was interest on both sides. I suddenly remembered it was her birthday and wished her a happy birthday, giving her a hug as I exited the building. 

I remember hearing the number 1228. I wondered if it was the date of her birthday, 12/28. But then remembered it was March and 12 is December.

As things were getting sorted in the pulled trailer that was like an RV, I went to wait in the car that seemed to be sitting separate on the street by a playground. I noticed adults doing cartwheels and playing at the playground. I remember thinking that I was happy to be leaving the semi truck. I don't understand what that means, just remember thinking that. 

The car was dark blue. I got in the back seat and started the car to warm it up. As I sat there waiting to leave, two older women got in the car and started drive it away. I got upset and asked them what they were doing, that it wasn't their car. The driving woman seemed to indicate she was just going to give a ride home to the other woman, but I didn't trust her and told her absolutely not. This was not okay because I didn't want to be separated from my family who I had been waiting for. I reached over the seat and grabbed the wheel, forcing the car to go back to where it had been parked. I threatened to call the police and have them arrested. I remember seeing a map and needing to drive all the way up from the lower part of California to get to Oregon. It felt like a long way to go but it wasn't ask long now, because I had been much further away at one point.

There was a weird bit of dream about my daughter dying but then being recycled, as in, she was immediately reborn and I knew she would grow at an exponential rate. I remember her being a baby and nursing her. I also remember in that scene something about a coffee pot showing up in a corner on a counter.

I can't remember anything else.

Asking For Help Part Two

Photo by Sergio Larrain, Peru, 1960

Facing our shadows, who we are, who we have been, can be difficult. It's tempting to turn away and pretend that shadow isn't there. But shadows have a tendency to follow us wherever we go, so it is usually best to face them, get to know them and understand what they are trying to show us and allow them to help us grow so that they can be an asset instead of something lurking threatening to destroy us.

When my guides were talking about you finding it difficult to ask for help, I didn't understand how dire the situation is for you. I didn't understand that the difference between asking for help and not asking is life and death.

Maybe you want to die and that is your choice. Your current path of addiction will surely lead you there, shortly, if you stay on it. I can't help you with chemical addictions. You need professional, experienced help for that. You can't do it alone without assistance. All I can help you with is being a supportive friend on the journey back to living and sobriety. I can be a sober friend who isn't going to tempt you back to that lifestyle. You can't keep the same friends if you want to live a sober life. You know that. A big shift and change needs to take place in order to be successful with sobriety.

“How is being Bleu being a supportive friend?" you might wonder. He's busting your chops and not telling you only what he thinks you want to hear. Everyone around you tells you what you want to hear. He is telling you what you need to hear and shining a light on the issues you need to address. He loves you in his own prickly bad bunny way.

The bottom line is, all of us inside this vessel care about you. All of us hope you choose life and choose to get clean and sober. 

For the love of Jennifer, River, Ava....and even your father, ask for help to get sober so you don't end up like those who left too soon.

You know how to reach me should you want to.

Pet Crocodiles

Dream Journal Entry: March 1, 2022

I dreamed about a goat that was sleeping in Inara's bed with her. I thought it was a bad idea, but she liked the goat. The goat shit all over her pillow. I considered it would need to be cleaned up. The goat didn't even belong to her. It was someone else's and I led the goat outside to whom it belonged to.

Later, I am seeing a guy. He has blonde thinning hair. He seems nice and pleasant enough. His job is related to money somehow. I can't say for sure what his job title is, but I went to see him personally. People didn't usually do this. They usually only talked to him on the phone or online. I went to see him because he had helped me out somehow and I just wanted to visit with him. In the process, he had a crocodile he had been keeping at his place and I accidentally let it out. It went into a bigger body of water and another crocodile started chasing his. I was trying to get the crocodile back to this guy's place, but I couldn't get him back and he disappeared into the water. 

I remember sitting and talking to him. He was asking if I needed more money, saying he can load it onto my card if I need more. I told him that I was good and didn't need more money, that I had just come to visit with him. I can't remember our conversation or if he was upset about his crocodile disappearing.

I remember being somewhere with someone I identify as Sarah. She is cleaning up because she is getting ready to move. I thought I would help her and sprayed a bunch of Windex on a mirror and over the things laying out on the nearby shelf. It turned everything blue, which I started to wipe down. Another female comes in and I think is there to help as well. 

Now the guy from earlier is here, as well. There was something about some foundation being put on my face that I think he is trying to sell and he is saying he hopes we will make it worth his time and actually buy something from him. This foundation covered the blemishes but seemed to take awhile to dry and when it did, I was able to peel it off like a face mask, which I found unusual.

When I woke, I thought about a book cover I remembered seeing that had a rabbit and crocodiles on it. It made me think about how BadBleuBunny seems to have lost his crocodile since he posted some older thoughts I had shared previously. That man-eater seems to have disappeared quite suddenly.

I went on to find out what the story 'The Hare of Inaba' was about, which was interesting, but I'm not sure how relevant it is other than the idea of creating a bridge to get me from one location to another on the journey.