Semi Trucks and Playgrounds

Photo by Ali Zolghadri

This post is for me...to document my thoughts and a conversation that led to conclusions and actions to move in a new direction. It's long and likely boring to most of you, so don't bother reading.

I was thinking about the last dream I posted and what a semi truck could represent symbolically. I have a brother and a couple cousins who drive semi trucks as their line of work. I thought about what their jobs involve.

They are hired to go pick up a lot of shit that belongs to someone else and then haul that shit and deliver it elsewhere. I thought about how I have been doing that for a long time... picking up other people's shit and hauling it around. It's not my shit to carry and yet I have still done it. I'm not even getting paid to haul it and yet I still do it.

The part about the little palm sized basket type things that were given out, but taken back later is going to take a little more explaining. The woven aspect of it could suggest a woven little package to "promote" a story or a cause. Baskets also have holes and tiny baskets wouldn't be able to hold much weight, so the promotion or story doesn't hold much weight.  I could clearly see this being about a recent dialogue I had where I have been regularly chatting with someone who uses the nickname, Clown. Turnip was there, too, and I have a hate/hate relationship with that one.

Clown has this story that she tells about having been stalked by Keanu Reeves, but if anyone else comes in saying something similar, she works to discount their experience, thus, invalidating them.  This was something that happened to me early on when I noticed weird shit was happening on my phone and things I had talked about in private conversations turned up in chat. It was like it was some kind of game and yet gaslighting took place regularly. Somehow Clown is supposedly the only one with a valid stalking story. 

We have had our disagreements, but I felt like I would boomerang back there every time I tried to leave. I didn't understand it. I left for about four months but eventually found my way back to that chat. Granted, I have learned a great deal about myself and gotten many lessons there, but, recently, it has been feeling more and more like my time there is drawing to a close. Last night's dialogue just solidified that feeling and turned it into fuel to take that action.

This is some of the dialogue that made me decide to take action in walking away from both the chat and carrying around other people's shit for them, including Keanu's:

turnip: will you guys post the new blind on IG or is it too hot topic?

red: Which one?

turnip: the one about Ripley

red: Already did.

turnip: oh ok sorry didnt see it

red: Clown didn't.

red: She doesn't want to drag Ripley.

turnip: neither rose

red: Has a soft spot for the kid.

turnip: "kid" 

red: I, however, feel like she is just like the beat poet trash already, so I did a whole series.

clown: I don’t like Ripley, but if she was abused, I don’t want to be part of taking her down any further.

clown: She’s sort of a non factor to me in relation to Keanu unless he was responsible in any way with her abuse.

clown: I guess I want to know more before taking out the goddaughter. I see her still in this adolescent phase.

clown: Or if he was involved in suppressing her abuse. That would interest me.

red: Isn't she nearly 30?

turnip: yes shes 30 I think

red: I say "kid" because she has arrested development like Keanu.

clown: But she behaves like an adolescent still rebelling.

red: Keanu is still in an adolescent stage, too.

red: Should I take it easy on him? 

turnip: it always makes me angry how in every job there was someone who was always causing trouble, working less, argued about everything and all I heard was "oh come on, you know hem/her" but when it came to me it was expected to be perfect

clown: He’s beyond repentance.

turnip: so when I see someone close to my age being assumed as a child, Im very annoyed

clown: Ripley still has her life ahead of her.

turnip: especially when they have privilege

turnip: and Im not downplaying the fact that she was molested

clown: I think she needs therapy while she’s still young. I don’t think she ever sought it out after she talked about abusing her gf.

turnip: she thinks shes a communist...shes uneducated and delusional so I dont see how she would seek actual therapy by an actual professional

red: She is having porn parties, encouraging drugs, paid sex. I have zero sympathy and will not spare her

clown: Again, very adolescent leanings in frame of mind.

turnip: yes absolutely

red: So is Keanu.

turnip: thats why it makes me angry

turnip: almost every job Ive had I had to accept that way more would be expected of me, all the while someone like her was excused for everything because "you know her/him...its like that"

clown: But I don’t see how bringing her in the picture is going to show a reason to attack Keanu.

clown: He’s her godfather, not her father.

clown: Is she the same as Hag? I’m not sure.

turnip: me neither at this point. I agree to that with you, I just imagines that more [eople would at least reposted the blind

turnip: thats what I found strange.

turnip: I mean everyone was reposting every other blind except this one thats why I asked

clown: I guess because the blind was out of left field like the Amanda and Rose Mcgowen being murderers and Keanu stalking Charlize. It came off to me like those blinds.

clown: The other blinds were blinds I sent to Enty or others talking about the charity sent in.

turnip: the thing is that erything mentioned in the blind is actual info found in Ripleys sm...so its not fake or something

clown: Those other blinds came from us, this one I have no idea.

clown: But Ripley also hasn’t said anything that hasn’t been somewhat vague.

turnip: maybe you think those came from you...maybe at the same time some other source was sending the same blind as you

turnip: and maybe the same source sent this one

clown: Could be, but we know those other blinds were from this camp.

clown: But I haven’t heard anyone talk about Keanu abusing Ripley in our camp.

clown: That’s why I said this came as a surprise out of left field.

turnip: thats why Im saying that maybe this camp just happened to be aligned with the source

clown: I can’t believe that entirely based on the older really whack blinds.

turnip: there was a halt in K blinds though wasnt there? and the they started again after the keanusance

clown: If Keanu did something to Ripley, I would hope she comes out with it.

clown: The Amanda/Rose one was right before Keanussance

turnip: maybe all this nice guy aggressive campaign is a precaution in case Ripley speaks

clown: I’m not sure when the Charlize one was

clown: It could be. @turnip: is a precaution in case Ripley speaks

turnip: like "look im a nice guy, you know me, now look at her...disturbed"

clown: Not sure the public will believe him over his Goddaughter if she came out.

turnip: and maybe AG is Ks agent to Ripley to encourage her to shut up with her manipulative talk

turnip: @clown I believe the public would believe K

clown: Part of them would, but another part would not and he would be cancelled.

turnip: unfortunately K has turned me into a very pessimistic person and I dont trust people anymore

clown: If it’s true, will she say anything or risk being cut out of his trust?

turnip: so I believe he has very good chances to come out of it unspoiled

turnip: or maybe she won't say anything, she will just keep hinting on it causing him lethal stress that will take him out

turnip: if its true, he deserves it

clown: I think if there is something, she’s too scared to get cut out of the money to say it outright.

turnip: very likely

turnip: anyways gotta go

clown: Have a good one.

turnip: I expect the worst from K

turnip: you too

turnip: you too have a good one I mean 

_______________________

I sat stewing, feeling frustrated at the holes and things Clown was now trying to take back. I thought about it all and how I was going to carefully word what I wanted to say.

_______________________

red: Double standards are a slippery slope. If you are keen on posting blinds and saying that the CDAN information is legit, you can't then take it back by saying this other one out of left field isn't legit. Don't believe that one but believe this one. Don't go after this person because they are basically an adolescent rebelling but go after this one who is doing exactly the same thing. You gotta do what you feel is right and I guess I do, too, which means no double standards.

clown: You can’t take Enty seriously period. He posts whatever for the most part. He’s the only one who will actually post our stuff.

clown: I take blinds individually.

clown: Just based on what Enty has posted in the past, I have to scrutinize. He will post any gossip.

clown: Do you actually believe Keanu stalked Charlize or that Amanda and Rose got together to murder Jennifer? It’s out there.

clown: But the charity shit from Hag and the pap calling isn’t left field. We have more to go on.

clown: This is what I’m doing. I’m not going to go down Ripley’s rabbit hole until I get some sense of who she is talking about and how that impacted her life. From what I gather so far, she feels like Brenda and/or Keanu suppressed her emotions in relation to her abuse. @red: You gotta do what you feel is right

clown: I do see a girl rebelling and acting out as a result of suppression and abuse. What happened though?

red: @clown: Do you actually believe Keanu stalked Charlize interesting considering part of your thing is that he stalked you. If he is, in fact, a voyeur of you, why would it not be possible that he stalks multiple people?

red: @clown: Amanda and Rose got together to murder Jennifer? yes, I definitely believe Amanda had ill intent and have no doubt she could persuade a bestie to help clear the place next to Keanu.

red: These are all people with no moral compass.

red: @clown: I do see a girl rebelling and acting out as a result of suppression and abuse. What happened though? and I see a boy in Keanu rebelling who was also abused, neglected and many other horrors, but I am still holding the boy and the man accountable for their poor choices. I will do the same for the goddaughter. If she follows in his footsteps, she will go on to repeat what was done to her. In fact, she already has by admitting she was physically abusive to her girlfriend.

red: A 30 year old woman close to the Target is fair game.

red: We should just hope she ODs before she reproduces and does the shit to her own kid only repeating the cycle.

red: She is a drug addict that supports and encourages that lifestyle.

clown: I don't even post all of entys blinds. He's just a tool for getting our shit that no one else will post out. He's not the voice of truth.

red: I see.

clown: I think Keanu is too much of a coward to stalk someone in power like him. Plain and simple, he looks for weak targets.

clown: Might be why he doesn't date peers.

clown: He's a predator seeking easy prey who he deems weak.

clown: What has Ripley done that is criminal?

red: Anyone who hacks and violates the privacy of others would have no issue hacking anyone, especially peers he feels are better than him.

clown: No wait, she did abuse her ex and should pay for that.

red: Selling sex and drugs are illegal.

clown: Hacking other elites is more risky.

clown: Well I don't have a pribi with selling sex or drugs. I'm libertarian in that respect.

red: I do.

clown: That's my standpoint so I think the only thing she needs to pay for is the abuse of her ex. That means more to me.

red: I don't claim any political party.

clown: I'm independent but I align with parties on some issues.

clown: I posted an excerpt from her book on the forum. I haven't finished it, but I will read it to see if she reveals anything.

red: Big business, big government and organized religion are basically the same. Greedy motherfuckers who want money and power.

clown: I don't believe in incriminating drug users or sex workers.

clown: We need to fight the system, not the victims.

red: Victims?

clown: And I don't believe Keanu is a victim.

red: How is a drug user a victim?

clown: Addiction isn't always a choice.

red: It is.

clown: It's a disease.

clown: Prostitution isn't always a choice. It's survival for some.

red: It's only a disease when it eats your brain, your liver, your kidneys. Then it is a disease. Until then, it is a choice.

clown: We need to help these folks, not persecute them.

red: Maybe we should feel sorry for Keke.

red: Not persecute him.

red: He had it in his genes.

red: Both of being a whore and a drug addict.

clown: It's genetic and nurture.

clown: But he has his whole life to get help and he didn't.

red: Ripley is going down the same path.

clown: And supporting hag has nothing to do with drug abuse.

red: Ripley supports hag, too.

clown: Then that's her path.

red: They are besties giving facials to each other.

clown: Supporting perjury and his fake PR has little to do with alcoholism.

red: You could say all of his poor judgements are due to reduced brain function as a result of long term drug use and alcoholism.

clown: I guess I really don't care about Ripley. Her ex needs to out her.

clown: His poor character is just him. Alcoholism is a consequence.

red: It literally shrinks and damages the brain. They don't think right.

red: If he has been an alcoholic since he was 17....

clown: My dad made it through alright. Not all of them do but he kept a level head.

clown: For me, it's more about character. Not all alcoholics and addicts are bad people. Keanu is a bad person.

red: I had to go next door to my neighbor's house because their young girls were crying because mommy and daddy wouldn't wake up.

clown: Keanu also is a drunk driver.

red: They left a fire going, the dog was outside.

red: Normally the mom wakes for everything.

red: But not last night and it terrified the girls.

red: They didn't even wake up when I rang the doorbell and came in.

clown: Yes, there are horrible drunks out there and child endangerment is a crime.

red: Both alcoholics and both having taken prescription medication on top of it. They were afraid they had died.

red: The girls.

red: They are 9 and 7.

clown: And this is a common story.

red: Unfortunately.

clown: It's horrible. Addiction is horrible.

red: It's still a choice.

red: It's a choice to be in denial.

red: It's a choice to take another drink.

red: It's a choice not to get help.

clown: It's a choice to not get help.

clown: Jinx

red: Lol

clown: That was eerie

red: Yeah. Lol

red: Anyway, maybe I'm just triggered and this is my own skewed lens, but it is what it is.

clown: I need to hit the TV and catch up on the news. I've been hooked on dalai Lamar all day and don't know what else is going on.

clown: I do have a different perspective because of my father.

red: Happy news watching.

red: Bye.

clown: Have a good night, or hellish one!

red: Thanks. Ditto.

___________________________

I'm a firm believer in practicing what I preach. The high morals and standards I hold other people to, I also hold to myself. If I am being hypocritical and not doing as I say I believe, then I make adjustments and admit my errors. Double standards are a deal breaker to me and the conversation just left all kinds of holes that didn't sit well with me.

Do I think that pushing PR that professes someone is such a nice guy who really isn't is okay? Absolutely not! 

Do I think it is okay for a guy to be driving drunk on a regular basis and getting away with it? Absolutely not! 

Do I think said person is in dire need of help? Absolutely!

Do I naturally care about people and want to help people? Absolutely and to my own detriment.

After the dream from last night and saying how glad I was that I don't have to deal with the semi truck anymore was showing me that I was finally ready to leave the job of hauling other people's shit. I was finally ready to not take on other people's shit as my responsibility.

Keanu's shit is his responsibility, not mine. 

I like to talk a lot about choices and, in this case, I have a choice to put the load down that I willingly took on but wasn't mine. I have a choice to set it down and walk away.

The chat that has become my own addiction I have a choice to walk away from and end the addiction. What I crave is real connection and I will never get it at that playground.

The deep blue car I was sitting in while it warmed up was about me warming up and thinking about everything that I wanted to say about all of this. I need to put it in written form so that, when I start to forget, I can come back here and remind myself why I walked away.

Do I care about Keanu's well being? Absolutely, but his healing is his responsibility. I don't want to be anyone's crutch and so I will discontinue trying to help him via badbleubunny and anywhere else.

I deserve a life with real connections with real people who want to step up to the plate and be equally present for me as I am for them. I won't settle for dishonest, double standard sort of people, no matter how much I like them. I deserve to have people in my life who have high morals, integrity and actively seek to heal and grow.

If I settle for faceless anon people who are noncommittal and not very invested emotionally, that is all I will ever get. I have to let go of what no longer serves me so that what is for my highest good can reach me.

I like Clown, but I think Clown sees the people she talks to exactly as she sees CDAN... As simply a tool for her to use for her purposes. It's unfortunate because I really like Clown, yet I can never imagine her letting anyone close enough to know her real identity. I can't imagine her ever having a conversation with me on the phone or in person.

I've had fun at her playground. I've grown, I've developed, but it's time for our paths to diverge because I no longer feel like Keanu is my problem or responsibility.

Live and let live.

I start a new chapter today.

Diana Hunting by Guillaume Seignac