Connection

Cupid and Psyche by Kinuko Y. Craft

"You can't let go of your connection. If you do, he will break." Heard in the in-between state this morning.

October 31, 2021

Losing the Plot

Photo by Fiona Louise Larkins

Sometimes I just hit a wall and i suddenly have no idea what I am doing or what I have been working towards. 

 What is the point and where is it leading?

I feel alone in this, like I have lost my direction entirely.

Thinking of You

We decided we needed to feel the spirit of Christmas, so we decorated early. I laugh at the people walking by, looking in, and thinking we are weirdos. I know I'm not like other people and I embrace that aspect of me.

I'm thinking about you and wishing you were here.

Merry Christmas!

Down By the Shore

Photo by Heather Baker aka inextremiss_photography

This is for you, that lone person who rushed to read my dream I recalled in the last blog post.

This is going to be a really random blog post. I will treat it more like you are sitting with me and we are having a conversation.

I liked the above image, so had to save it. It reminded me of a painting I loved and bought many years ago of a girl alone on a beach. Something about it spoke to me. Was it that I liked the idea of being alone on a beach with the wind blowing my hair back or that I have always felt pretty alone...even when surrounded by people? 

Lately, I have been playing a role that has taken a great deal of my focus. Oktobre feels like she has taken a bit of a back seat while this other version of me performs a specific task. I can't access her poetry as easily. A phrase comes to mind, "I'm just not in the right headspace". She feels sort of distant right now, like that woman on the shore.

And so, instead of Oktobre, you are stuck with me...this other me who isn't really all that sure of what I am doing or why I am doing any of it. I'm speaking out, raising my voice, but I don't feel entirely invested in it or understand completely why I feel compelled to continue for a time. The others who do what they are doing is because they are long time fans who have become disillusioned. But I feel a little like a fraud because I was never a fan and my heart isn't that invested into it because I know very well that, sometimes, things aren't always as they seem. It simply feels like one of those breadcrumbs I pick up and follow. I don't know where it is leading but trust there is some purpose that will be revealed later. 

I never noticed Keanu had almost no eyelashes until it was pointed out to me. Trichotillomania is likely the reason why he has almost no eyelashes. It is a disorder where the individual feels compelled to pull hairs off of their own body. They especially do it when they are under more stress or feel anxiety. I can recognize this easily in him because it is something I do as well. When I am feeling anxiety, I have picked off my eyebrows one hair at a time on more than one occasion. I have to stop myself when I catch myself doing it. When I was a kid, it was the hair on my head, but as an adult, it's my eyebrows. You will be happy to know, I actually have eyebrows now, even though they are light. 

I told you it was going to be random. lol

I'm tired and feel like I need to go to bed now, but before I do, I feel I need to tell you....if you are the one who truly sees Oktobre and loves who she is...she still loves you and hopes for the day she can finally embrace the physical you.

Sincerely,

Noah 

Brad Pitt is a Purple

I dreamed about Brad Pitt all night. The first dreams about him I couldn't hold onto, but I would get up to pee and then lay back down and continue to dream about him. There was some scene about someone pretending to be trans who wasn't really. I've lost the details surrounding that.

I seem to be traveling and I encountered Brad and his current wife somewhere. I didn't recognize her as someone I knew the name of but she was pretty and had long dark hair. There was something Christmas related in the scene, decorations, maybe. I said hello and made small talk at first. I mentioned that I had once met him long ago when I was working at Stephen's Motel and he had come in with a pretty dark haired girl to get a room.  His wife, I think, was listening and she slipped a big envelope under the door for us. I can't remember if we looked to see what was inside. When she came out, she had a lot to say and every time one of us tried to say something, she talked over us. It was clear she had some grievances with Brad. 

When she had stepped away and I was alone with him, I said, "Can I be really honest with you?" He said, "Yes" and then I carried on. "I couldn't help but notice that your wife keeps talking over you. A big part of healthy communication is listening and she isn't doing that. You haven't been able to say what you need to and have her hear you." He agreed this was a problem that they would have to work on. 

I'm seeing images of a dog rescue of some sort that the wife would like to open.

I asked him, "How much do you know about spirituality? Where are you at?"

He said he didn't know much at all except for like Sunday baby school. I didn't want to insult him with trying to explain basics if he was already aware. He said, "People say I'm a purple." He was holding something that looked like a purple ring and was turning it around on the tip of his finger.

I replied, "Do you know what purple represents? It is the color of the crown chakra which is the higher mind and the color of spirituality, so it is a good thing people think you are a purple." I went on talk about how we create with our thoughts. We manifest through our thoughts.

At one point, I stood up and was surprised at how small he was next to me. He was child sized. I said out loud, "Oh, this has to be symbolism about where we are both at in our spiritual knowledge."

The scene jumps and we stopped again after we had been traveling. I am now in some sweets shop with Brad's wife. I saw a crab shaped doughnut that I thought I might like. The one I wanted was just a doughnut and didn't have extra candy on it like the others. I can't remember if there was an exchange with his wife.

Later, I seem to be traveling down the road at a fast pace on something quite small. I got low and laid on my stomach, balancing my weight to move quickly down the road. I think I started to wake there.

Dream Journal Entry: October 23, 2021

Leaving as a Changed Person

L'Amour Desarme by Guillaume Seignac 

There was something about hand delivering some sort of message or "sign" to someone to make sure they got it. I had to travel through the darkness to get there. The details are fuzzy. It felt like something she needed for completion of something.

Then later I was in some public area indoors and I am traversing the space trying to get to a ground level so I could leave. By the time I go to the floor near the doors, I was worried about the check point and whether or not they would let us leave. Inara was with me. I remember questioning if we really can just go and they said yes. I went to each check point to make sure they didn't need anything further from us. I was so surprised when they just let us through easily because navigating the rest of getting down there to that point had been difficult and challenging. 

There was a bit where I saw someone I identify as working there and someone who I interacted with at the beginning when I first arrived. I reminded her of who I was and shook my hair saying how different I look now. My hair was an asymmetrical bob that was shorter on the right and dyed purple. I think Inara had a similar cut and color as well. I am remembering that the woman I am talking to had wild colored hair when we first met her but now she had straight shortish black hair. We are laughing about how different we all are now at the end of it all. 

There was a couple I wanted to leave a message for but then I see them leaving, too. I see the guy sort of collapse onto the ground and I went to see if I could assist his girlfriend with him. She said that this always happens and that he will be okay, but while I had my hand down to help him get upright, he expelled a yellowish orange poo that was not very solid and it got on my hand. The couple laughed like it was intentional...a parting gift of sorts... something to remember them by. 

I know there are details I have lost but the main theme was about completing something and finding my way out of a place I had been trying to leave for awhile. I was happy to be able to go away from there.

October 16, 2021

Shot Through the Heart

Diana the Huntress by Guillaume Seignac

I took a nap and dreamed about seeing an arrow on the ground that someone shot. I saw it as a sign and was going to add it to my collection. When I went to collect it, heard a loud boom. I realized it was a gunshot I heard and I had gotten in the line of fire when I went for the arrow. I felt the impact in my left chest. I remember not being able to move and calling out for someone to call for help because I think I needed to go to the hospital.

In a different scene there was something about wearing part of a Santa suit on the top part and an upside down white Christmas tree as the pants. There was something about having me come out at a specific point and how the contrast of the colors would look good for some event. It's hard to remember the details. I know I have lost bits. 

I think there was something about acquiring specific small tools for something and trying to locate others.

October 15, 2021

For My Boyfriend

Art by Cult Class

As I was waking, I heard, "This is to help your boyfriend battle his sins." But I'm not sure what that means.

October 13, 2021

Art by Cult Class

I had bad dreams about a child being killed by someone he knew. Somehow Inara died as a result, too, when he died. It seemed people were trying to kill off those who were different and the boy had trusted the wrong person. I remember wanting revenge but also having to flee because they were going to come after me as well.

October 12, 2021

Art by Cult Class

I remember seeing images of myself from behind and was confused by the color the camera lens captured my clothes being. It was something like chartreuse, a brighter green, but then I saw myself again without the camera lens and my clothes looked the color they actually were which was a velvety olive green. I think this was demonstrating that sometimes the filter on the lens we view others through isn't always the truth of the situation. Our filters can skew what we see. When we remove the filter from the lens, what we see shifts closer to the truth.

October 11, 2021

Art by Cult Class

Last night I dreamed of K and he seemed interested in us reconnecting. I was hesitant because of J being there, but apparently K had made J aware of him and I and she was okay with him being with me, as well. I wasn't sure about it and was cautious because how J had behaved in the past (in dreams only).

Later, there was something about being given two different WiFi modems, complete with cables. It think it was supposed to give me better reception or something. One of the modems looks very old and I determined it would not give me what I was wanting. The other modem was newer but used and it had all of this other stuff attached to it from the people who had it previously. It didn't actually seem better than the one I already had, so I determined to keep the WiFi modem I already had. It was a newer model and no one had connected to it before me.

When I woke, I considered that the WiFi modem represents"connection". WiFi connects us wirelessly so could, perhaps, be about connections we make astrally while we dream. It could represent people we connect to energetically and get information from as a result.

It was after this dream that I heard, "This is to help your boyfriend battle his sins." I'm not sure who my "boyfriend" is other than to guess it is the person I dream most about and inside of. This is the first time he has been referred to as my boyfriend, which is interesting. When I had been very sick one time, I once heard them say, "You can't let your girlfriend's heart stop." There have been other girlfriend references, but this is the first reference to him being my boyfriend.

October 13, 2021

Frogs and Monsters

I've kissed frogs and monsters, looking for just one who would be a keeper.

One who could tame his ways but not so much they are a sleeper

I like the misunderstood weird ones who don't fit in or blend. 

I'd be pretty happy with some blue alien creature to call a friend.

So what if others don't understand what we see in each other.

I'd have you and you'd have me and you and me is my druther.

Written October 12, 2021

Dear Lucifer Series Makers

I have a bone to pick. Maybe that should be a feather instead of a bone.

I don't watch a lot of TV, but recently watched the Netflix series, Lucifer.

It was silly, it was fun and I enjoyed it a lot until about the end of season 5. Season 6 felt like a clusterfuck of jumping the shark episodes. The ending was stupid and absolutely pointless.

By Gustave Doré

SPOILER ALERT!!

God coming to Earth and forcing the cast to do musical numbers was just cringe worthy. 

Chloe changed so much once she openly loved Lucifer that she was unrecognizable as a character.  And then she is traipsing around so much with Lucifer that it was like she forgot she was a mother. Where was Trixie during all of that time?

The idea that the Rory would travel back in time because of her rage and being without father but then she would want to keep the time loop going because she didn't want to change anything is STUPID! So basically Chloe, who supposedly is such a great mom is supposed to LIE to her daughter for her entire life just so she could get so angry she would travel back in time so Lucifer would get his big epiphany that he wants to be a psychiatrist in hell? 

The escaped convict gets left with Trixie nearby but Rory is the one kidnapped?!! How does that even make sense? What? There was no set up for Rory being taken but it was to see Trixie kidnapped.

Please stop smoking crack or whatever the hell it is you are smoking that caused you to write so poorly that it leaves big gaping holes which diminishes the overall value of the product as a whole.

How is it possible Lucifer can pop back and forth from hell throughout the whole series until he magically decides he wants to be the healer of lost souls? It is fucked up and stupid that he couldn't come back to be with the woman he loves and his child. It is idiocy and demonstrates that his very act of becoming a healer in hell causes him to repeat the pattern of his father which, in reality, is how real life hell loops work....the cycles we repeat that are passed on from our family and ancestors.

So you mean to tell me Chloe lived the whole rest of her life without a romantic partner? How fucking lame is that? She gets to go to hell when she dies to be with her beloved. 

What the serious fuck, writers?!!! Maybe you should have consulted with me so that your ending storyline wasn't so fucking lame and unsatisfying.

Le génie du mal - Lucifer sculpture by Guillaume Geefs. Though the original was destroyed because the church believed women would find themselves attracted to Lucifer, a copy now sits in St. Paul's Cathedral, Liege, Belgium.

EDITING THE ENDING

Hell loop in reality is two things:

• Reincarnation where we are given a chance to come back and try again to get it right. We are given the task of working through the baggage we carried with us from lifetime to lifetime. 
• False and limiting beliefs we take on from parents, caregivers, lovers, friends, employers, etc.

The way of recognizing and identifying both is to recognize our patterns and the patterns of the people who surround us. If it is showing up in our reality, it is trying to show us something about ourselves. But sometimes we need to dig deeper into other lifetimes to understand where those cycles, those loops first began so that we can tackle them one at a time at the root source. Lucifer only went back within the single lifetime, but, often, the root goes back to other lifetimes that were highly traumatic. 

The only way to break the chains of a hell loop is to identify the patterns, understand them and then make different and better choices going forward. By making different choices, we step out of the circular groove we made with our own feet in the cold stone floor and onto a new path and in a new direction. We stop driving in circles in the roundabout and head forward the direction the GPS is trying to guide us towards.

Chloe and Lucifer were continuing an unnecessary loop with her lying to Rory about her father and with him abandoning his family as his own father had done. The excuse of him needing to get his life altering epiphany in just that exact way is total bullshit and gives no credit to how "the Universe" has a way of redirecting us even when we stray off course. Think of it like GPS and when we take a wrong turn, the GPS is constantly trying to recalibrate to give us the directions to get to the location we, ourselves, have programmed into the system.

Believing that there is only one path to Lucifer's epiphany IS A LIMITING BELIEF!

There are a multitude of ways Lucifer's internal GPS system could have directed him in order for him to get that realization about his calling. He could have ended the loop, the cycle, and been present for his daughter and Chloe. He would have gotten to that destination no matter what but none of them believed it was possible, so it wasn't. 

Instead of God stepping down and handing someone else the God reins, it would have been better to say, "Now you, humanity, have to turn to your own inner God, your own inner GPS because that is where true guidance and divinity comes from. I don't want to be your babysitter anymore. It's time you grow up and take responsibility for yourselves."

Heaven and hell aren't down there and up there. They are right here within each of us. We each are our own Universe. 

God is within.

The Devil is within.

Everything outside of us, first starts within us.

You have to believe in the possibility in order for the possibility to exist.

Real change is an inside job. 

When I was a child and I didn't like the ending of a movie or show, I would rewrite it in my head with a different ending.

In my ending, Lucifer and Chloe get to be together, happily, where they raise their daughter and Trixie as a strong unified family. Lucifer doesn't have to return to heaven or hell because he starts to understand they are just polarizations of the same thing and what really needs to happen is both heaven and hell coming together into balance and harmony in the middle as one thing.

Heaven (heart) is the Blue pill, Hell (mind) is the Red pill. It isn't about choosing one or the other but about putting them together as a balanced whole...a purple pill.  It is about seeing the value of both and operating from both higher mind and heart.

And they lived happily ever after...even when there were bumps in the road because the journey had given them the tools they needed to be successful in achieving all they dreamed and hoped for.

I Did It To Myself

 

Photo by Malzorgata Maj

I was talking to a friend, today, about some of my frustrations. This is my side of the conversation.

October 6, 2021 12:08 pm

I'm okay. Still undecided about how to move forward, you know? I mean, the information I get and then the options I feel like are available to me don't match up.

Take the bit from last night...

 It's hard to hold onto what I dreamed about. I remember seeing red and then seeing it get drained out, leaving the color white. I saw this over and over. Sometimes I saw only some of the red drain. I had a Sense they were showing me situations that were "draining" and how some situations were more depleting than others. The scenario they showed me first seemed to entirely deplete. I think it was trying to highlight choosing situations, people and work that don't drain us of our "life force".

Then, as I was waking, I heard myself say "you really thought you were going to marry him." And then I saw Keanu standing with a gasmask on. This seems to suggest that he isn't allowing himself to be gaslit anymore. It suggests protection from the toxicity that surrounds him.

And this from yesterday...

"You have to stop believing you don't have any opportunities." Heard this as I was waking this morning.

I can't think of jobs that I could get that wouldn't suck the life from me.

I ask for guidance and I don't seem to get any in regards to an actual line of work I am well suited for.

October 6, 2021 3::20 pm

Nothing has floated by me or been offered, but I get what you are saying. I feel like I have been open to the possibilities but nothing is flowing because the river bed and my bank account are dry.

I think I need a nap. Maybe I will dream something helpful.

October 6, 2021 7:26 pm

The only thing I can remember is something about a pen with water in it. There had been pictures put inside the pen. When the top was clicked it set a countdown like a rocket ready to take off, but the pictures had been removed so when the pen popped like a rocket launch, nothing happened.

After I took everything down (blog posts, iG posts), I had severe pain in the middle of my back between my shoulder blades and I considered, perhaps, the meaning was that what I had done with my actions was stabbing myself in the back.

I took away my ability to have that natural flow. Self sabotage at its finest.

____________________

Photo by Katya Berestova (IG: berestova_katia)

This is my journey and it has never been straight forward. There have been ups, downs, twists and turns. Sometimes I fuck up. Sometimes I go backwards. Sometimes I don't understand the point of any of it. 

But I keep going no matter how many times I fall, no matter how many times I bleed...and I have done most of it naked and open in front of anyone who cares to read me except for the last three weeks when I took the majority of it down.

So, keeping with my original full disclosure and realness tradition of my journey, once again I share with you what has changed my mind and why I will restore my blog posts and my IG posts because that is what I feel I am being guided to do to end this form of self sabotage.

Random Rambling

Art by INDIGO

I watched a recent interview with you talking about your comic series last night. As I watched and listened, what struck me wasn't anything that was said specifically, but what I felt watching and listening. The energy I felt coming from you was so different. It was clear, focused, steady and calm. I felt the energy of sincerity, authenticity, and  thoughtfulness. And, even though you didn't say everything you wanted to, I felt how much more open you are now. I didn't feel the sense of repression and constriction that used to be forever present in interviews. 

Maybe you aren't yet exactly where you want to be, but I felt how far you have come in taking your life back and that felt beautiful, like watching a rising sun. It made me feel so happy for you. If you have days that feel like you want to throw it all away (I know I still do sometimes) just be patient with yourself and those rough days will pass.

I see you.

You are loved.

Clearing Space

Art by Danny Ingrassia 

I could say it isn't personal, but it is...it is very personal. I'm clearing out the people who have ghosted me, the people I have ghosted and yet a door remained between us on social media. It was long overdue...time to remove those doors that aren't being used, time to sever those energetic cords.

Maybe there are some small regrets here and there for how things went down, but for most of them, I feel nothing, so I let go and let go. I remove doors and the open access pass they once had to me. I would say I missed them but they were already gone long before I removed the doors.

Good bye.