I Did It To Myself

 

Photo by Malzorgata Maj

I was talking to a friend, today, about some of my frustrations. This is my side of the conversation.

October 6, 2021 12:08 pm

I'm okay. Still undecided about how to move forward, you know? I mean, the information I get and then the options I feel like are available to me don't match up.

Take the bit from last night...

 It's hard to hold onto what I dreamed about. I remember seeing red and then seeing it get drained out, leaving the color white. I saw this over and over. Sometimes I saw only some of the red drain. I had a Sense they were showing me situations that were "draining" and how some situations were more depleting than others. The scenario they showed me first seemed to entirely deplete. I think it was trying to highlight choosing situations, people and work that don't drain us of our "life force".

Then, as I was waking, I heard myself say "you really thought you were going to marry him." And then I saw Keanu standing with a gasmask on. This seems to suggest that he isn't allowing himself to be gaslit anymore. It suggests protection from the toxicity that surrounds him.

And this from yesterday...

"You have to stop believing you don't have any opportunities." Heard this as I was waking this morning.

I can't think of jobs that I could get that wouldn't suck the life from me.

I ask for guidance and I don't seem to get any in regards to an actual line of work I am well suited for.

October 6, 2021 3::20 pm

Nothing has floated by me or been offered, but I get what you are saying. I feel like I have been open to the possibilities but nothing is flowing because the river bed and my bank account are dry.

I think I need a nap. Maybe I will dream something helpful.

October 6, 2021 7:26 pm

The only thing I can remember is something about a pen with water in it. There had been pictures put inside the pen. When the top was clicked it set a countdown like a rocket ready to take off, but the pictures had been removed so when the pen popped like a rocket launch, nothing happened.

After I took everything down (blog posts, iG posts), I had severe pain in the middle of my back between my shoulder blades and I considered, perhaps, the meaning was that what I had done with my actions was stabbing myself in the back.

I took away my ability to have that natural flow. Self sabotage at its finest.

____________________

Photo by Katya Berestova (IG: berestova_katia)

This is my journey and it has never been straight forward. There have been ups, downs, twists and turns. Sometimes I fuck up. Sometimes I go backwards. Sometimes I don't understand the point of any of it. 

But I keep going no matter how many times I fall, no matter how many times I bleed...and I have done most of it naked and open in front of anyone who cares to read me except for the last three weeks when I took the majority of it down.

So, keeping with my original full disclosure and realness tradition of my journey, once again I share with you what has changed my mind and why I will restore my blog posts and my IG posts because that is what I feel I am being guided to do to end this form of self sabotage.