Down By the Shore

Photo by Heather Baker aka inextremiss_photography

This is for you, that lone person who rushed to read my dream I recalled in the last blog post.

This is going to be a really random blog post. I will treat it more like you are sitting with me and we are having a conversation.

I liked the above image, so had to save it. It reminded me of a painting I loved and bought many years ago of a girl alone on a beach. Something about it spoke to me. Was it that I liked the idea of being alone on a beach with the wind blowing my hair back or that I have always felt pretty alone...even when surrounded by people? 

Lately, I have been playing a role that has taken a great deal of my focus. Oktobre feels like she has taken a bit of a back seat while this other version of me performs a specific task. I can't access her poetry as easily. A phrase comes to mind, "I'm just not in the right headspace". She feels sort of distant right now, like that woman on the shore.

And so, instead of Oktobre, you are stuck with me...this other me who isn't really all that sure of what I am doing or why I am doing any of it. I'm speaking out, raising my voice, but I don't feel entirely invested in it or understand completely why I feel compelled to continue for a time. The others who do what they are doing is because they are long time fans who have become disillusioned. But I feel a little like a fraud because I was never a fan and my heart isn't that invested into it because I know very well that, sometimes, things aren't always as they seem. It simply feels like one of those breadcrumbs I pick up and follow. I don't know where it is leading but trust there is some purpose that will be revealed later. 

I never noticed Keanu had almost no eyelashes until it was pointed out to me. Trichotillomania is likely the reason why he has almost no eyelashes. It is a disorder where the individual feels compelled to pull hairs off of their own body. They especially do it when they are under more stress or feel anxiety. I can recognize this easily in him because it is something I do as well. When I am feeling anxiety, I have picked off my eyebrows one hair at a time on more than one occasion. I have to stop myself when I catch myself doing it. When I was a kid, it was the hair on my head, but as an adult, it's my eyebrows. You will be happy to know, I actually have eyebrows now, even though they are light. 

I told you it was going to be random. lol

I'm tired and feel like I need to go to bed now, but before I do, I feel I need to tell you....if you are the one who truly sees Oktobre and loves who she is...she still loves you and hopes for the day she can finally embrace the physical you.

Sincerely,

Noah