Facing Issues

Art by Caitlyn Grabenstein a

"To live, to TRULY live, we must be willing to RISK. To be nothing in order to find everything. To leap before we look."

Mandy Hale

My daughter and I went to the grocery store last night. We walked there with our wagon to carry the groceries back. 

The joys of having no transportation. 

While we were there, we saw my brother-in-law. There were pleasant greetings and then we went our separate ways.

As I walked home with our load of groceries packed into our wagon, the fact that my brother-in-law didn't once offer to give us a ride back home with our groceries struck me. He drives a mini van. We don't live far away and it would have been a simple thing to offer. We may or may not have accepted the offer, but he never offered.

I said to my daughter, "He doesn't understand what it is like to have no transportation and how hard it has been for us."

As I continued pulling our wagon, we walked by a couple drunk homeless people sitting in a bus shelter. I looked directly at them and said hello but didn't engage them further and continued to walk home. 

"Do you know how many people probably walk by and try to pretend they don't exist?" I said to Inara.

It's like that with unpleasant issues we don't want to face...we try to pretend they don't exist. 

When I woke up this morning, it struck me that you are like my brother-in-law and that is an issue I wasn't wanting to see but have finally faced. You have watched me, read me, witnessed my struggles and not once have you offered a hand to help. 

"You" know who you are.

I'm like a book you read for your personal entertainment. I'm like a reality TV show you tune into but never engage with.

The kind of people I want in my life are those who can both give and receive, who have compassion and empathy and take action where and when they can. They aren't just "watchers" or voyeurs who use people as their personal form of entertainment.

I shed tears this morning about this realization. Letting go and releasing completely is hard when it feels like I have invested so much energetically. I've already walked away from one life, but now I have to walk away once more from a life that only existed in the possibilities of my mind.

#tinman #scarecrow #voyeur #goodbye #leapoffaith

Cue this fresh tower moment...

Salvage mode...

The messages still have to be delivered regardless of the rubble I stand in.

Mother's milk...

Dream Journal Entry: August 5, 2021

I dreamed a lot about a tower apartment building that had fallen and people were scrambling to try to gather things to survive it. The survivors were trying to gather provisions. I think I remember moving from lower levels up. At one point I went out but went back in and moved to the upper most levels to look for food. I remember climbing up and I had Mahina in my arms. At one point I had to ask for help and pass her to someone already on the level so that I could pull myself up with both hands. 

In some of the upper most areas, it felt like a wealthy family had lived here. I found some of the electricity still working up here and noticed some hidden refrigerators that were full. I saw several jugs of milk being stored. Unfortunately, the daughter whose parents had lived here told some of the others who were scavenging for food. I thought it probably wouldn't go very far with everyone that was left. 

I can't remember many details but it seemed to go on for a long time.

When I woke up and went back to sleep, it feels like we are in a similar place but outside of the collapsed tower. There was a guy who approaches me and tries to put his hand down my pants and I told him he probably shouldn't do that because I was on my period and was wearing a tampon. I think he has a girlfriend so I wasn't sure why he was trying to mess with me. There was something about three different guys being there and doing something together. I saw a list of their names matched with their faces. The third one I see had red hair and I see the name "Chuck E". I think they had set up a miniature toy arrangement for a wedding and I had accidentally messed up some of the seating, so I tried to put it back how it had been. 

I started to rouse and was seeing a St. Bernard dog.

I just remembered a bit from the above dream where I was dressed in sort of an alien costume and one of the kids tells me he really likes it because he used to dress up as an alien, too.

February 25, 2021

I was hearing this song in my head this morning. I didn't know the words so was humming the tune out loud. I knew only it was by Elton John.

"Goodbye Yellow Brick Road"

When are you gonna come down

When are you going to land

I should have stayed on the farm

I should have listened to my old man

You know you can't hold me forever

I didn't sign up with you

I'm not a present for your friends to open

This boy's too young to be singing the blues

So goodbye yellow brick road

Where the dogs of society howl

You can't plant me in your penthouse

I'm going back to my plough

Back to the howling old owl in the woods

Hunting the horny back toad

Oh I've finally decided my future lies

Beyond the yellow brick road

What do you think you'll do then

I bet that'll shoot down your plane

It'll take you a couple of vodka and tonics

To set you on your feet again

Maybe you'll get a replacement

There's plenty like me to be found

Mongrels who ain't got a penny

Sniffing for tidbits like you on the ground

So goodbye yellow brick road

Where the dogs of society howl

You can't plant me in your penthouse

I'm going back to my plough

Back to the howling old owl in the woods

Hunting the horny back toad

Oh I've finally decided my future lies

Beyond the yellow brick road