Face the Music

 

Today, when I woke, I wondered to myself what I should do differently so that it wasn't exactly like the day before.

I decided I would try listening to music instead of the tarot readings I listen to one after the other and mostly don't pay attention to anymore. They have become background noise for me, more often than not, while I do other things. 

I went to Spotify and put on Foo Fighters.

I didn't expect the train of thought this simple act would take me on. I thought I would write about it so you can share some of this journey with me.

I started thinking about what a big part of my life music used to be for me...but somehow it sort of shriveled up and died inside me somewhere...a lost part of me I didn't think was retrievable. I remembered how music was what moved me and transported me throughout much of my life.

It was music that was my solace and comfort when I felt alone. It was music that was my trusty companion on all of my road trips. I would sing along with what I was listening to or get lost in some train of thought or daydream with music as my personal soundtrack in those moments. Music was my co-driver to St. Louis to see my band friends, driving to Florida, driving to Oregon for my first solo adventure, driving back and forth from Michigan to Missouri, etc. Making music was my ultimate dream...once upon a time.

How did it die within me? How did I come to this place of almost never listening to music except for in the grocery store? 

I actually drove across country from Oregon to Virginia in mostly silence. Sometimes my daughter would play her music, but most of the time driving was spent music free. 

I left every CD I bought back in Oregon. I left an entire life behind and told myself to pretend it all burned in a house fire. It's the best way to be okay with letting it all go so that I could move into a new life. 

Well...I moved into the "in-between" where I am now. I left the old life behind but it feels like the new one hasn't quite yet started. So I linger in the in-between where I detox from the old life and continue to grow when and where I can. 

It's less emotionally charged here in the in-between. I don't cry all the time here. I don't wish I was dead almost every day, multiple times a day. It's more like floating in water and looking up at the sky with the clouds drifting overhead. Funny enough, I have spent a lot of time in the swimming pool doing that literally.

I started to think back to the beginning stages of my spiritual journey when I feel was a time I started to connect both to spirit and a higher part of myself. I was excessively exercising at that point and I listened to music to power walk and exercise to. It was during those walks with the music streaming that I felt a deep spiritual connection to something bigger than myself. It was like the movement combined with the music was a magic formula that plugged me into spirit that would change my life forever.

Messages often come to me through music be it in dreams or a song that pops into my head. Spirit likes to communicate through music for many on the spiritual journey.

I can't say for sure when it was I started listening less and less to music. All I know is that I did and it became rare that I would listen to anything other than tarot readings, my daughter talking and the white noises surrounding me.

What moves us musically is different for all of us, which is beautiful. Some people hear night sounds and don't like it, but I have always thought of night sounds as being music to my ears. The night orchestra is much bigger and louder here in Missouri. Cicadas, frogs, crickets, owls and thousands of other unseen bugs. While swimming at night, I often rescue crickets from the pool. I send the tiny musicians back into the night so they can rejoin the orchestra and continue to sing their songs.

I bought my daughter her first guitar recently. I hope she sticks with it and learns to play so she can create songs that fill her up inside.  I once owned a flute, a bass guitar, an acoustic guitar and I gave up trying to learn them all. I have to think that, had YouTube been a thing back when I wanted to learn, maybe I would have been more likely to succeed at learning an instrument well and not just dabbling until I got bored or my lack of self confidence got in my way.

While a music career may not be my dream anymore, maybe it is time I finally face the music and rebuild my relationship with it. Maybe it is that one part of me that is trying ever so hard to come home to me and I have been closing my heart, mind and soul to it. Maybe reconnecting with the music is the last lock that needs to be removed before the floodgates of abundance can be opened to me. Maybe I have had my finger in a hole in the dam wall and all I need to do is remove it and press "play" on a music device to bring the wall down and allow what is trying to reach me to flow towards me....on the sound waves of a song.

Even though my reserve funds are quickly depleting and the lack mentality I battle tells me to use it only on practical needs, I think, as a symbol of my commitment to reconnect with the music, I'm going to go buy a pair of Bluetooth headphones today so I can really connect more fully with the music than a single ear bud in my left ear.

***All images are borrowed from Foo Fighters' Instagram page and were selected because I was listening to them while I wrote this blog post.