Inner Heart Space

Photo via Colossal 

Dream Journal Entry: August 29, 2022

I dreamed about a man who was very wealthy. He was the owner of some business or organization that was hugely successful. My partner works for him and, for some reason, I am in the building where my partner works. I talked to some of the people who worked there, but I can't remember the exchange. 

Later, I'm seeing this guy again. He is relatively young for someone in his position. He looks mixed in ethnicity... maybe black and caucasian. He seems to be interacting with the people who work for him and he seems very friendly and down to Earth. Something is mentioned about how my partner has been working hard so they are going to give him a promotion, one where he is more visible, now. I couldn't say what the two different positions were, just one had him working hard behind the scenes and one where people would being seeing a lot more of him. Supposedly it was an honor and many people wanted the position.

My partner introduced me to his boss and I mentioned that I had met him earlier when he was pretending to simply be one of the workers. The owner says he likes to do that sometimes to see how people behave when they don't know it is him.

I'm seeing images of this man in his home which was attached to his business. There was a courtyard in the center of this house. The multilevel walls were all bright pink and white with gold gilding all over mixed in. Some of the gold was peeling off and falling to the stone floors below. There were lots of windows looking out into the courtyard and the ceiling was open so the sunlight was pouring in which made it possible to see all the cobwebs that crisscrossed above.

I mentioned to the owner how I used to want an Italian villa with an open courtyard in the center of the house. I can't remember what else was said at that point.

But then I overheard the owner saying something to someone else about how he had planned to make a game out of my partner's new position and I had a sense he had something sadistic planned for him. I didn't want my partner to have to suffer, so I went to the owner and begged him not to be cruel. A wicked smile formed on his face and he pulled out his erect penis. I knew what he wanted me to do in exchange for not harming my partner, so I got down on my knees and started to perform oral sex on him. He thrust his penis further into my mouth. I felt upset and tried to hold back tears.

I heard, "This happened a year ago," and then I started to wake up.

In earlier dreams I was a nanny for some family. It feels like there are four kids, three highschool aged kids and a baby. I remember something being said about the two older brothers being "halfs" and the sister being a "third" sibling to the baby. I think the baby was a boy. I remember thinking that being a one third of a sibling didn't even make sense to me and I wasn't sure how it was possible. I was needing to get the baby to school to be with one of the brothers. The school was really big and I wasn't sure that I could navigate it on my own. I asked around for the brothers. Apparently they were well known here, so the other students were able to direct me to them. I gave them their baby brother.

I've lost parts of this dream.  I vaguely recall something about the baby being face down and eating sand and helping him get upright.

Interpretation:

It is said there are three sides to every story...yours, mine and the truth. Everyone involved has a perspective, so, technically, there can be many more angles we could see a story from than the primary characters. I believe the earlier dreams about the pink and white courtyard was showing me Alexandra Grant's perspective. Me and my partner were two different parts of her. One part got a more visible position with the big boss (Keanu Reeves) while the other part, once she learned his intentions, ran to spare her partner from embarrassment by doing whatever it took, including sucking (up) a giant dick (Keanu). 

The courtyard spoke to me of the inner heart space because of the color pink being a dominant color. The cobwebs in the courtyard seems to suggest a place that was unused and I had a sense of the big boss being alone all the time. His inner heart space has cobwebs from the lack of use. There was light coming in, but no one was really allowed in that space. All of the gilding was starting to fall off which speaks to me of the original shine and richness falling away from the individual. Maybe Keanu's shininess is starting to dull in the eyes of fans or perhaps just Alexandra since I was dreaming from her perspective.

Did Keanu promote Alexandra to a more visible job position? Did he have sadistic intentions for doing so? I don't know, but the person's perspective I was dreaming from seems to believe that is the case.

Remember Me

Art by Nicolas Nadja 

Dream Journal Entry: April 14, 2018

I had several dreams but could remember none but the one just before I woke.

I am not sure where I was. It wasn't home. Some blonde guy I know comes up to me. He has another dude with him. He has dark hair. He is telling me that his friend really wants to spend time with me but it feels like I haven't been awake very long and I need to get dressed. He wants to take me to see a movie. Apparently it is called "Remember Me" and is some weird sci-fi Japanese movie about people who switch bodies with people and have to find each other and remember each other. I told him I had heard about the movie but inside was groaning that I might have to read through the whole film. The movie he wants to take me to starts really soon. 

He is walking with his arm around me and is very happy to be spending time with me. He hands me these wide white lacy ribbons that had an adhesive side. I was trying to figure out what to do with them. I am in only a bra and underwear. I consider wrapping them around my feet and using them like shoes, but instead wrap one around my breasts and one around my hips like a skirt. I was surprised and pleased how much area they covered and now there are all these people around me and they are going to the movie, too, only we are now all supposed to run around to different stations and create a costume before we go inside. 

There was a shower, but it was communal and there were a ton of people inside. I stood there contemplating. I wanted a shower but there wasn't time. Then I had to decide what I would put on from the different stations. I looked around me and saw people putting on makeup, but I didn't feel moved to do that. There wasn't time enough and I didn't feel like putting on a mask of cosmetics and not be able to touch my own face. I saw hats but none of them interested me. I saw a crystal ball and other similar trinkets but didn't want to have to be burdened with carrying anything through the entire movie. I think, while I was looking at other clothes, I somehow lost the top ribbon wrapped around my breasts. I tightened the bottom one by knotting it at the waist. It feels longer now. I looked for my top ribbon but someone else had obviously grabbed it. I was wearing a bra so wasn't concerned and figured I didn't need it. 

Apparently people were going to be judged on their created costume. I figured mine wasn't much because I didn't care one way or the other. I was just going to this thing because I was spending time with this guy. I met back up with him and the only thing I had with me were a couple pictures of River Phoenix. I remember thinking how I would explain why I chose to bring that with me. In my head I was thinking he was a friend even though logically I also considered I had never met him in life. 

I woke up as we were heading into the theatre. It is important to note that in Roblox, my daughter likes to play Fashion Frenzy and people have to run all around and create a costume and then are judged by fellow players. That is what it reminded me of but a real life adult version. It was still all for entertainment.

In-between Communication: October 22, 2018 

I heard myself saying, "I haven't taken advantage of any of the bodies I have been in.

Follow The Kevins

Kevin, the bird from UP.

Jeff Narrating:

I watched Signs again last night.

It keeps getting better every time I see it.

It's funny.

The first time you watch it, it's hard to understand what it's about.

It just sort of meanders.

And then, everything comes together in this one perfect moment at the end.

And when you watch it a second or a third or a fourth time, you start to see that all of this randomness is leading towards a perfect moment.

My favorite character is the little girl.

Everyone thinks she's so strange because she can't finish a glass of water.

She's convinced they're contaminated.

So, by the end of the film, there are glasses of water littered around this house.

And then, it's the water that saves them.

And that was fate.

I can't help but wonder about my fate.

About my destiny.

Renewal.

Vitality.

Energy.

Commercial on the TV:

Are you tired of feeling sluggish?

Do you feel like life is passing you by?

Then we've got the solution for you.

It's called "The Most Incredible Vitamin In The World" and there's a reason you're watching this right now.

Just pick up the phone and start the new chapter to your life.

Call now. Not available in stores.

Made in Germany.

Beware of imitators. Call 1-800...

Jeff's phone rings.

Jeff: Hello?

Wrong caller: Yo, Kevin.

Jeff: No, this is Jeff.

Wrong caller: Where Kevin at?

Jeff: I don't know.

Wrong caller: Oh, man, look, don't be fucking around! Where the fuck is Kevin?

Jeff: Kevin doesn't live here.

Wrong caller: There's always some motherfucker trying to tell me there ain't no Kevin! Let me put this word in your fucking peanut brain, Kevin! K-E-V-I-N! Kevin.

**Excerpt from the transcript of the movie Jeff, Who Lives at Home

The thing is, I live my life this way, I follow the Kevins (signs) in much the way Jeff does in the movie. 

You deactivated your account, Kevin, before my message had a chance to go through. I sent it and got the message "your message failed to send" which is when I tried to understand why. Was I blocked? No, you deactivated.  Well, if you ever come here, this is the last message I sent you:

Sometimes I feel like I am living a real life version of the movie Every Day, or maybe it is more like The Beauty Inside. Maybe the ones who have come to me are all masks of a single person or maybe it is that Spirit steps inside all of them to help me get specific lessons. Either way, the results have been the same. 

I have grown and evolved.

I have loved all of the Kevins I have connected to, even if their names are George, Petar, Kevser, Clown, Kevin, etc. I still love all of them even though they are no longer engaging with me daily. Letting go has definitely been a repeating lesson on my spiritual journey. I have learned and developed and become a better person because of my time spent with each of them. I have had a lot to work through. There's a lot of different ways I needed to change. All of those connections gave me an opportunity to learn about myself through the interactions I had with them about where I needed to change.

Our time was short, Kevin, but very valuable to me. Your presence was a gift that I never expected. With you, I learned that my root chakra isn't entirely dead. A spark still exists inside me. You reconnected me to my roots. I learned that I can still feel passion and desire. I learned I still had negative self beliefs about being tainted which has caused me to try to change my thoughts to "I'm purified". 

Maybe we were only role playing and it was mostly smoke and mirrors, but what I learned about myself, like the pattern of making assumptions and walking away, put a spotlight on areas of communication I need to work on. I need to ask questions and get clarification instead of assuming. I shouldn't always think the worst case scenario, that people will turn on me and abandon me. 

Kevin in Home Alone.

Well, you did abandon me, Kevin, but I learned that it's okay because I haven't abandoned myself.

I also learned that sexual attraction is such a small part of the equation for me, but it is important to have that spark with a partner. It's valuable to feel that desire, yet without a strong foundation based in communication, mutual respect, mutual interest, any relationship will crumble and fall apart. A beautiful penis won't get you far with me because I need deep conversation, I need to feel connection on other levels, as well, in order to feel stimulated on a more long term basis.

Thank you, Kevin. ❤️

I'm grateful to you and to all of the Kevins who helped hold a mirror up to show me where I needed to change. 

I'm grateful to myself for being open, honest and willing to heal my wounds and work to put into practice those changes on a daily basis.

The thing is, Kevin, I love me and I trust the guidance that comes into me, no matter how crazy it sounds to others. All of that guidance always points to one person as being "the one" for me, no matter how much I am in denial about it, at times. Maybe you are just a puppet on his hand, a brain child meant to test me, but it's all ham and lemonade to me. You know me, I take those pigs and lemons and turn them into something tasty and nourishing for my own soul. I make my own food and fill my own cups, now, because this journey I have been on has taught me how to do that.

Regardless of whether or not you are a real person, Kevin, I wish you a happy and fulfilled life.

Regardless of whether or not my "one" ever has the courage to step forward out of the shadows and meet me face to face, I love him unconditionally. That love can either be given at a distance telepathically or up close and personal. It's up to him. If he has any doubts about where I currently stand, the option of partnership for us is still on the table, he simply has to choose it and actually make a move towards that outcome. I would say "yes" if he asked me.

Either way, I will keep going like an Energizer bunny.

Talking It Out

Photo by Emily Soto 

Recently I decided to start making videos again for my YouTube channel where I have what I call "Conversation "selfies" from my point of view." Basically, I just talk about whatever I feel like talking about as though I am talking to a friend.

I uploaded a new video today. I am going to try to type a little less here on my blog and practice talking out loud as a way to help clear some of my throat chakra blockages.

I look forward to engaging with you there if you comment. 

I'm Sorry

Photo by Philomena Famulok

Dear Spirit,

I'm sorry for getting so mad at you. Sometimes it is easy to feel frustrated and angry when you just don't understand why.

Why was I guided to places that would leave me more wounded rather than healed? I have questions about it all and I think that is normal. I trusted you implicitly.

And yes, I get that there is a lot left to be revealed that might make it all make sense to me.

Where have you gone? You didn't have to go away just because I was angry.

I miss you.