Self Discovery Through Dreams

The Kiss by Frank Horvat

Dream Journal Entry: January 5, 2022

Last night I dreamed of my old flame, Jason. I don't dream of him often, so it was curious that I did. 

In the dream I am in bed with him and noticed he was naked. He is trying to be intimate with me, which surprised me. I wasn't sure how to react and felt awkward since it had been such a long time since I had kissed anyone. Our last interaction in real life was contentious and combative, at best. In the dream, he mentioned something about fucking me and my mother like he did last time while I was sleeping. 

At times I saw myself from an outside perspective. My hair was quite long, hanging freely, covering part of my face which I guessed was showing me how that part of me hides a little bit. I was surprised at how soft and pretty I looked. Jason remained naked for part of the time and still seemed interested in being with me physically. He moved to try to kiss me again, but I moved away from him, saying I had to do some things. I wanted to kiss him but held myself back.

I found myself in another room getting cleaning supplies to do some mopping. Jason is now dressed and he is offering to help me. I tell him he doesn't have to help, but he is insisting. I don't remember anything else from that dream.

In an earlier dream I was trying to help someone with their wedding preparations. I was helping get things together while chaos was ensuing around me. There was something about getting some makeup for the bride. There were people who didn't like me and were trying to get in the way simply because they didn't like me. I had angry interactions with several people and the aggression was starting to get physical, only I was stronger than them and they were scared of me. I remember one of the people I battled was Lynn. She looks a lot like Alexandra Grant. 

I remember hearing something about there being a food shortage of some kind and I am seeing what I think looks like the back of a semi truck  back end in a vertical position. I have this knowing about it being a vehicle to transport food. This truck was at full dump position and something was said about it is uncertain what will happen at this point. I am seeing the potential for the truck holding its vertical position and being okay and then also seeing it falling over, in which case, all would be lost and people would be without food.

There was a bit where I was trying to say "god" but accidentally said, Mike, which was the name of one of the people in my view. I laughed at my own blunder and said I should always call "god" Mike now.

Art by Irina Vitalievna Karkabi

The Interpretation:

Real life Jason is sun sign Scorpio. Scorpio happens to rule my house of love in both tropical and vedic astrology. This is a pretty big clue as to what this dream was about. I was dreaming about my house of love where the masculine planet of Mars is ruler for me. Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. Mars symbol is literally the same as the one for male and Venus' symbol is the same as female.  The outside Jason couldn't exist in my world without there being first an inside one.

What I looked like when I met Jason in 1994.

In real life, we had a short romance in the early 90s just before I moved away from where he lived. He seemed to like me SO much and that scared the shit out of me. The little asshole inside my house of love was very guarded. The real Jason tried to stay in touch, but I ghosted him.

My little Jason in my house of love didn't know how to handle being liked that much.

Fast forward almost 20 years later when I sent out a signal looking for him because I felt bad about running away. I wanted to reconnect. And much to my amazement, I actually found him again and we started talking. I flew to Las Vegas for a night to see his band perform. The little asshole inside of me was now manifesting as a big asshole outside of me. Little asshole rejected him back then, and this time the big asshole rejected me because I didn't look like I did back then anymore. 

Me & real life Jason in April 2012

The thing is, Jason on the outside was showing me how my Jason on the inside was treating that beautiful inner soft feminine who was sort of hiding behind her hair. Inner Jason wasn't very kind to her or very fair. Inner Jason was talking about being with her mother while she was sleeping. Parts of us, our souls...the kinder gentler parts of us...lay sleeping until we can find them and wake them up again. The mother is the original unhealed me, but she had given birth to that kinder, gentler part of self, hence waking her up.

He came to me naked, which could represent exposing himself emotionally in a way he hadn't before. My fifth house inner masculine has been stepping forward and taking over at times and it has been a very interesting experience, to say the least. To be aware of him and listen to him is a wild ride, at times. He is very different to that softer, kinder feminine part of my fifth house. His interests are different and he is more crude and vulgar at times, but I love the contrast. He isn't as interested in spiritual things, but he does love to laugh and play.

With this new astrological understanding and examination of my dream and inner self, I am now thinking about all of those twin dreams I have had and the one about two lions. In my tropical chart I have almost no fire, but when I switch to vedic, I now see two Leo placements...two lions. And instead of the Cancer ascendant I have in western astrology, I now have Gemini, the twins, in Eastern astrology.

Salomé by Vittorio Zecchin, 1913

Know thy self.

Astrology and our planetary placements can help us look at ourselves and get to know ourselves better. My dreams have been trying to speak of these placements, but I wasn't understanding that's what I was seeing. There is something that can be learned and gained by studying both tropical and vedic astrology birth charts to help us better understand our leanings and tendencies based on the influence a planet has in the house it lands in.

Astrology can be seen as very much like deconstructing a recipe that is us to understand each ingredient that makes us who we are as a flavor. Dreams can help us see those astrological placements in a moving picture way to help us see where and how we can bring more balance to a specific house. My inner Jason, the Scorpio, is sort of an asshole and he wants to connect with that part of himself who is softer and gentler, but he doesn't entirely know how to do it. In his warped thinking, physical intimacy IS connection, but it isn't to her. She needs more and needs to connect more deeply before she gives of herself physically.

The semi truck with it's trailer standing vertical seems to be talking about balancing feminine and masculine. The feminine is good at providing food for the soul, but if they, together as one thing, lose balance, the inner population will starve. This is when we become depleted energetically, so it is important to be ones own balanced fuel source. We don't need to take from others to keep going. When balanced, we become like an off grid homestead where we are fully independent, growing our own food and bringing in our own self generated electricity. Sure, we can connect to outside sources and exchange goods should we choose, but we are no longer dependent on others for our well-being. We no longer look outside of self for love, comfort, validation, support, encouragement, approval, etc. We have all of those resources internally and there is no lack of it.

Art by Irina Vitalievna Karkabi

I know there is still plenty of gardening I need to do internally, but I have come so far from that point in which my outer Jason harshly rejected me and that is a really beautiful place to be. My inner Jason has come a long way from where he used to be, and even though he can still be an asshole, I can honestly say I love him and am grateful for his presence which has helped us all grow.