I dreamed about K. He was trying to prepare something special for me. It wasn't turning out as he had hoped. I remember seeing some sort of mix having been spilled down a grill and having cooked in a blob at the bottom. There was cookie dough covering house slippers and I worked to take some of it off. He bought me an outfit to put on, so I did. It was silky red pants and a matching red themed robe like top with a pattern similar to a kimono but it hung loose and free. I put it on and waited for him to bring me the food he had been working on, but J came home before he had a chance to give it to me. J had crashed into the garage door with her car somehow and now it was open for the students to traipse through to another part of the school. J started noticing things K had put together and was getting upset. I tried to calm her down and assure her everything was okay. She was saying something about having ordered pants but they hadn't arrived. I could tell she was wondering if the pants I was wearing belonged to her. I looked down and considered it but these pants fit me perfectly and would have been too long if they had been the ones she ordered. I remember something about putting some clips in a drawer and trying to clean up the mess from K's attempt at cooking me something. I was concerned about J being upset, then suddenly there was this guy there who started throwing moving paper wrapped large vases at me. I caught each one easily and set them aside.
The scene jumps and now there is this younger beautiful woman being presented to me to be intimate with. I didn't know what to do and tried being intimate with her but I had to admit that, no matter how pretty she was, I was more attracted to opposite gender bodies for physical intimacy. So I stopped and moved away from her. There were students still using the space to take a shortcut to the other parts of the school. one of them offered me some sort of scrubs. The first one I put on my arms I think was orange in color. The second one offered that I put on was a deeper blue.
 |
| Cold Cocoon by Dana Marié Borbely |
It was at this point I came in contact with a woman in what looks like a hospital bed. She appears to be terminally ill and looks like it could be cancer because she is wearing a wrap to cover her head as people often do when their hair has fallen out from chemo. I started talking to her. I saw a picture of a man and boy and ask her if that is her family. She told me, yes, but that her husband and son were dead now. I asked her how they died and if they had had the same illness as her. Apparently they had only recently died in a car accident. I told her how sorry I was for her loss and wanted to give her a hug but wasn't sure what she would be okay with with Covid restrictions and precautions and all. She confessed that what she would like very much is if I would actually kiss her on the lips because it had been a long time since anyone had, so I pressed my lips to hers while I hugged her gently. I felt concerned that I might be getting some of the orange and blue scrubs on my arms on her. We started talking about spirits and I talked a little about some of my experiences with them. She lit up when she talked about experiences she felt were her son and husband coming to let her know they were still with her.
I think I woke up there.
Notes:
The red clothes suggest this dream was all about the root chakra. J, in real life, killed herself, so I think she represents the self loathing of the person who I feel I was dreaming from within. I never realized that is what she represents before. He has an unhealthy commitment to self loathing and self destructive thoughts. She represents the old feminine and I represent the incoming more healed and balanced energy that the masculine was trying to connect with but, once again, self loathing got in the way.
I can't quite understand the wrapped flower pots being thrown at me and what their symbolism might be. Maybe it will come to me later.
Root chakra deals in matters of sexual instinct and for the me in that person, I preferred to connect with bodies of the opposite gender which indicates a sexuality preference of whomever it was about.
The orange and deep blue scrub might suggest deep communication about relationships or creativity that was cleansing for the root chakra of this person.
The terminal woman also represents a part of the self of an individual who has lost people close to them. She might be seen as grief relating to a loss but she is terminal because of new found spiritual hope. The terminal woman desperately wanted to feel human touch and connection. The grief of the person I was dreaming from wants to be touched, kissed and held by another. That might show up in a shadow aspect of seeking sex with random people in an attempt to satisfy grief, when really what is needed is deep communication (orange and deep blue scrub) about the grief.
Edited to add:
I shared this dream with a friend in private chat, at which point, I remembered a bit of dream that feels significant in the realizations I made here about what J represents.
Based on this new realization, I think the second layer of meaning of what Kurt Cobain represents for me is the same as J. I thought Kurt represented only music, but he could easily be seen as representing self loathing and self destructive thoughts and behaviors. I, too, had a long term relationship with self loathing and self destructive thoughts, but that relationship seems to have shifted.... like by trying to understand him (my thoughts) he was able to change within me.
Not long ago, I had this dream about feeding this coyote and a pink fluffy labradoodle. People were concerned that I was feeding the coyote, that it would harm me and maybe the dog, as well. The coyote was, indeed, aggressive in it's play, but it wasn't intentionally trying to hurt me. People didn't think I should be feeding the coyote, but I had this knowing that if I did continue to feed him, he would become as tame as the dog.
Those thoughts inside don't need to be locked away but need to be given love, attention and understanding, too. When we do, we tame the wildness inside that threatens to devour us from the inside out.
No comments:
Post a Comment