It Doesn't Feel Like Christmas

Back in Missouri, we left the Christmas tree up that we put up early at my mom's. When we got back to Oregon, we were surprised by the lack of Christmas decorations. It looked nice, but no Christmas decor which we simply accepted.

So today, there is no tree, no wrapped presents, no special dinner and Inara's father had to work. It feels like just another day, but we are in Oregon, which is the best gift of all, so I am happy.

I spent Christmas Eve reading through some of my writings from over the summer. It amazes me how quickly my memory slips and it feels as though someone else wrote the words I'm reading. If I hadn't signed my own name at the end, I would think someone else was the author. So much valuable advice and beautiful poems that come from what I am experiencing in the moment and my mind seems to let it flutter away until I read it again.

Sometimes I remember random bits from dreams, in-between communication and conversations I have had with people. I don't really have conversations much anymore. I let almost all of my friendships dissolve and end. Most of the time I am okay with just my own company, my daughter and our furry family, but last night and this morning I was wishing I had at least one person who I was close enough to to call and talk with... maybe even invite over to have coffee and a conversation in person.

One of the things I wrote and reread talked about how we should be creating healthy connections with others, which I have failed at. I used to connect a lot with others, but I have chosen to bring my energy into me and barely attempt to truly connect. The conversations I have are mostly in an anonymous chat where the conversations are fairly superficial and have little depth. I don't have spiritual conversations with anyone anymore except in my head with myself. 

Maybe someday I will connect again, but this isn't that day.

Photo by Ray Metzker

 I remembered one time someone asked me to give them a reading. It hasn't happened often, maybe twice. It is always uncomfortable because I don't really claim to do that sort of thing, but made an exception and explained that I would meditate, ask the questions he had and then let him know whatever images or words I saw. I explained that what I get is usually very symbolic and he would have to decide what it means, but I could give him ideas of what the symbols could be talking about. The below is what I saw for him:

This is what I got for you in meditation.

"What I first saw when I closed my eyes and thought of you was a lush green forest. I saw a creek and the sun was shining through. Later I saw an oak tree and a white owl sitting in the top just looking around. I also saw a pineapple, which made me think of some dialogue I had with a friend on FB. I will get it in a minute and show you. 

I also saw the cutest blonde mouse. It was just sitting there not running away. And then it started eating cheese chunks and when it did, it was impossibly adorable. He munched away while looking at me and never ran away or acted scared.  I also saw hands...open hands."

🍍 Friend: I wonder what it's really like to live in a pineapple under the sea... I mean, really think about it. If you were a squirrel, why would you choose to live there, too?

Me: That is EXACTLY how I feel in this reality. 😂😂😂 What the hell was I thinking? 

Seeing this now, I later came to understand that the pineapple is symbolism of heart and mind coming together as a single thing. It's like taking the red and blue pill and putting them together to create a purple pill as I have talked about before.

Another morning I asked in my in-between about my friend and an adventure he was thinking about taking. This is what I got for him:

"I asked this morning in my in-between state about you. I asked if you should stay where you are or go on an adventure. They said, "He should stay and change, but not necessarily in his current location." But you also have to consider the other sage advice they told me was that refrigerators show up in my dreams because they run. Hahahaha Terrible pun but it matches Inara's sense of humor.

Do you remember that old joke?

Q: Is your refrigerator running?

A: Yes.

PL: Well, you better go catch it. "

Photo by Mitch Dobrowner

I pondered the answer they gave me at the time and it felt like it was for someone who was contemplating suicide. I never asked if this was the case and we eventually stopped talking. I was thinking about this advice and considered that I basically took my own advice by leaving and going to Missouri for 7 months. Previous to that point, I desperately wanted out of this human experience, but something shifted in me while I was away. I don't know how and I don't know when, I just know it did and I'm glad it did. I stayed in this reality and changed locations for a time. The hangman in the tarot is a card about taking a pause and seeing things from a different perspective. I literally bought an inversion table while I was at my mom's that I could hang upside down from. The symbolism wasn't lost on me when I was scrolling through photos and saw the photo I had snapped to show some of the bigger items I needed a truck for to transport back to Oregon with us.

I definitely did gain a new perspective and a new appreciation for the little things in my life that I love, but took for granted. I didn't value them as much as I do now because I thought I might not ever get to experience them ever again. I'm grateful for all of those little things. It's not perfect, by any means, but I now have the will and desire to live that I didn't before. I now believe I can create opportunities for myself and work my way towards an independent and fulfilling life.

Photo by Henri Cartier-Bresson

Maybe next year, I will have a job I love, a car to make my life less difficult, and an in-person friend I can confide in who really gets me, who can both give and receive. I believe it is possible and it helps that I am no longer weighed down by thoughts of wanting to die and hating my life.

I love my life and am grateful that I know I have the power to change things within my life to better suit the me I'm evolving into.

I do wonder if my friend that I gave that advice to was able to get as much from it as I did. I hope he is happy, well and thriving wherever he is on this Christmas day.

Merry Christmas and happy holidays.

May all who have lived in darkness find their way out and set themselves free.

Love and blessings to all three of you who read me. 💜