When No One Understands

Photo by Natalia Drepina

It feels, sometimes, that I am faced with one person after another who simply do not understand my journey. They do not see or understand the vast amount of growth and changes I have made, regardless of how nonsensical it might see to them. I try to demonstrate through sharing what I have written about my journey, but even that isn't enough to help them see and understand.

Coming back to Missouri has had its challenges, to say the least, but one of the most disappointing and frustrating things has been knowing my own mother will never truly support me or see the value of the time and effort I have put into changing myself and what I have created.

We have had more challenging conversations than I ever expected which leave me feeling alone, unsupported and grossly misunderstood. Tonight was no exception. Tonight she said some of what I am doing was "insane".  And I can sort of get it from her simple, closed minded perspective. She can't understand half of what I write about and even though she claims to be a Christian person, she thinks being led by Spirit is "crazy".  How is this possible that someone can believe so fervently in the tales of the Bible but not believe it can unfold similarly in the here and now? 

So, it is believable in the Bible that Spirit/God guided people, but she can't believe that the same is true for me and the path I have been on. She can believe in prophetic profound dreams that guide in the Bible but when I am trying to explain it is the same for me, she says I am spending too much time on my dreams which she sees as meaningless.

I am strong and I still DO believe in myself, my journey and trust Spirit to guide me no matter the wild twists and turns it has taken. I do understand the depth and value of it all. I always have which is why that, no matter the lack of understanding I have received, I carry on my path and don't let those people deter me. I just keep going like an Energizer bunny.  

I have faith in myself. I just wish there were more people who had faith in me, too, and could understand. 

Photo by Natalia Drepina

Of course, I have one or two people online who get it because they are on a similar journey, but it would be nice to have people surrounding me, in person, who can comprehend what I am doing and trust in me that it's the right thing to do for me. I wish I had a tribe to lean on, but I don't.

Needless to say, I have found myself working through a mountain of "mommy issues" that I never knew were there until I came back to Missouri and spent (too much) time with my mother where all of these issues are resurfacing and being highlighted through conflict. I am working through deep wounds and clearing a lot of root chakra blockages. It hasn't been easy or comfortable, but a necessary step in healing and growing. 

Photo by Leslie Ann O'Dell

The most recent realization came when my mother questioned my parenting of my daughter. She thinks she should have more rules, less freedom and more discipline. When she said this, I asked her about her own parenting. I pointed out how I grew up with rigid rules, little freedom and excessive discipline. She was the passive one. She didn't make the rules nor did she enforce them, but she witnessed her four children be brutalized by our father on a regular basis. 

I asked her, "How did it make you feel when you witnessed your kids be spanked with a leather gun belt to the point of having welts on their skin?"

She deflected and avoided answering. She said, "It was happening to me, too."

"That wasn't the question, Mom. You were the parent your young children were being brutalized. How did it make you feel?" I asked again.

Again she deflected.

"A parent, especially a mother, is supposed to protect their children. It is supposed to be their instinct to care so much they would die protecting them," I explained. And it was in that moment that I recognized a core wound of not being protected by my passive mother from my abusive father. She just watched and let it happen.

She can criticize my parenting if she likes, but I was determined that I wouldn't allow my daughter to go through similar experiences. I wouldn't allow her to be ruled with an iron fist like I was. My mom thinks my daughter needs "tough love" and all that screams to me is she thinks I should inflict trauma through trying to force my will on her. 

There are other kinder, gentler ways and I refuse to inflict the same trauma that was inflicted on me. My daughter knows she can talk to me about anything and feels comfortable asking me anything. That is no small feat. I have fostered open communication since she could speak which has led to a healthy relationship.

I told my mom, "You know what I learned from all the rules and discipline? How to lie and do what I wanted to do anyway. Inara never has to feel like she needs to lie. She can talk to me, but I never felt comfortable talking openly to my parents when I was her age."

The relationship between my mom and daughter is not good. There are daily conflicts and fights between them that I have to referee. Part of the problem stems from my mother thinking a child's thoughts and opinions aren't valuable simply because they are children. I don't adhere to that belief and make it known that a child is still a whole person whose thoughts and opinions should be heard and not disregarded simply because they are not yet adults. If a child feels heard and valued, they won't feel like they need to lie and hide anything from their parents.

We all want to be heard.

We all want to be seen and understood.

We all want to be valued.

We all want to be respected.

We all want to feel safe and secure.

Sometimes going back to the place you grew up only confirms that it never really was your home to begin with. 

I don't know where "home" is anymore, but I know I'm strong enough to keep going and growing no matter where the wind takes me.