Suicide

Photo by Natalia Drepina

Dream Journal Entry: June 21, 2021

I dreamed about being out of class and helping someone at the office. I was thinking I didn't want to go back to class and, since we were nearing the completion of school, I didn't think it would make that much difference anyway. I remember being in a hallway of the school where I had put up with tape various images I liked, but then I considered I would take them down now and put them in my locker for only me.  There was something about pictures of flowers and a tea bag in it's package that I had put up but was taking it all down to put in my locker. 

Photo by Natalia Drepina

At this point, there was some song I started hearing about suicide and it was telling people to do that ..to kill themselves. That is when I had some knowing that the pandemic was meant to isolate us so that people would kill themselves...that paired with the suggestion to do so could have disastrous effects. The powers that be knew this and were implementing the plan as a way to have people voluntarily cull themselves without the governments actually having to do it. I was telling people to stop listening to the song and to not isolate themselves from others regardless of what they tell us to get us to do it.

Photo by Natalia Drepina

There was something about a teacher who I have a lot of venom for. I can't remember why. I am speaking to her and I am saying that I hope she dies a slow and painful death. She has wronged me in some way and I have only animosity towards her. 

There was something about some flowers that appeared to be dying. The leaves were all turning yellow due to over watering. I put a note on the refrigerator telling people not to touch the flowers but then I think Amrik came and took half of the tallest flowers out of the pot. I thought I would work on trying to save the other flowers that were left. At first it seemed like it was in one pot, but as it turned out, it had been 4 plants in a what seemed like a single pot, but actually they were each in separate compartments. I considered the flowers had just gotten too big for what they were started in and needed individual pots of their own which I was planning on trying to do. Someone was going to help me with this and I picked up what seemed like an unused pot but the woman helping me said there was a scorpion inside the pot. It was full of water so I moved to set it down carefully. When I did, three very large dark red lobsters popped out and I was like, "That's not a scorpion!"

Photo by Natalia Drepina

I wrote the below for a friend, but I decided to post it here because I suspect a lot of us have been struggling recently.

__(name redacted)__ I know what this feels like. I understand feeling like you have done all of this work and changing, but for what? I understand feeling like I obviously suck ass at manifesting because I can't seem to manifest myself into a life I actually want to experience. I truly do. I understand thinking death might finally end my suffering. The physical pain has been enormous at times and I wonder if it will ever end and get better.

I know what a soul crushing situation you are in and it is hard to "stay positive" so you can find your way out of it. 

I know I have to go get whatever job I can to start digging myself out of my own situation and I have been dragging my feet on it.

I do think you can trust people, but I know it is difficult to know who to trust when everyone just keeps falling away and you don't have anyone around you who truly relates to you. 

It sucks to have something good only to have it taken away and that job was such a blessing. It is rough and deflating to have that taken away because it is sort of one step forward two steps back but by no choice of your own.

I honestly don't know what the answer is or how to make it better, but I do believe it can and will get better for both of us....we just have to hold on a little longer and try some different combinations to finally get the combination that busts it all open for us.

When I start to spiral down, I try to focus on the most simple things I am grateful for as I am going through my day. Yes, it could be much, much worse. I'm not saying we have to settle even though it feels like, at times, that is what we are doing on repeat. We simply have to be in the moment and think, "I'm really grateful for having a bed to sleep in." "I'm grateful for having this food I am eating." "I'm grateful for having a toilet to use when I need it." Really basic things, but they are things we sometimes take for granted. Seeing all the homeless camps in downtown Portland made me realize how much harder it could get. 86 people died in Portland during the excessive heat wave due to the heat. Most of them were homeless and on the streets. 

What you feel is what you feel and you could be rich or poor and still feel it if you just don't have a sense of purpose or fulfilment, if you don't have a tribe of like-minded people around you to help you feel connected to something bigger than just you and your pets. All the electronic entertainment in the world won't ever give us the sense of connection and community we crave. It's just, how do we get there? How do we ever get to that sense of purpose, fulfillment and connection? I'm not really sure because I'm not there yet. I'm right there with you in the trenches feeling like it might be better to just end my suffering than keep standing in the mud and my own excrement.

The Meeting by Kamila Kansy (aka Laura Makabresku)

I love you and hope you are able to pull yourself out of this darkness quickly and you feel better and happier. I will understand if you want to withdraw and not talk but if you do want to talk, I will be around.