Finding Sparks

Photo by Anastasiya Dobrovolskaya

I was having a conversation with my friend, Lindsay, recently and the below was my side of the conversation where an important self-discovery came to light. I'm posting it here to remind myself when I need to remember.

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Maybe this is our cocoon stage where we become a pile of goo.

Let me ask you a question. Do you have a specific dream anymore? I ask because I used to have a dream, but I was too scared to pursue it, truly. But I don't have that same dream anymore of singing. I just don't. I don't think I have a specific dream to work towards... something that lights me up. I just don't know.

I feel like I know myself pretty well, but I have no idea what lights me up or what my dreams are that drive me. Maybe that is why I have no car. I have nothing that drives me.

We talk about sparking with love, but we need a spark for life and a dream, too.

Photo by Anastasiya Dobrovolskaya

I think I am still trying to find my sparks.

I think this is an important line of thought for me and a discovery because often in dreams and life, I have no transportation of my own... nothing that drives me. That is an important realization.

I think we have to own when an old dream doesn't do anything for us anymore and be okay with it and letting it go, but I think I'm trying to work through how to find a new dream based on who I am now.

Right now, I just feel sort of lost in a maze and pulling petals from a flower while I talk to myself about it all.

I trusted that spirit would guide me but spirit seems to be sleeping on the job because they haven't communicated much.

Yeah...I don't know what is best but I definitely know what I don't want to go back to.

I have no real goal in sight of what makes me happy. Sure, independence and financial security is what I want, but I have no idea what I would enjoy doing that doesn't feel like work.

I do remember hearing once being told to "just say yes!"

I guess when the opportunity comes in, I need to just say yes, but it isn't here yet.

I guess that is what we have to do...try different things...have different experiences to know what we like and don't like...what "suits" us and what doesn't.

It would help to be presented with more opportunities for experiences....but I know, I know....goo is just goo

Goo can't "do" anything, really.

Photo by Anastasiya Dobrovolskaya

Dream Journal Excerpt: July 15,2018 

In another scene a tiny man came into the room and we were all going to be camping out next to each other. He was a tiny man, but his proportions were good so he looked normal, only small. For some reason I was looking in his suitcase and mostly what was inside were leaves. Some were green and some had started to dry. I also found some pieces of candy. I had Inara give me some of her candy and I added to what candy he had and gave him back his suitcase and candy and asked, "What does this say about you? That you are naturally sweet?" He smiled and we talked. He seemed to really take to me. When I got close to him, he seemed to morph into a dog and I just kissed him all over his face as I would my own dog. I had this sense, that if I showed him affection like this, he would never want to leave me and I moved forward anyway. I saw in my head something about him playing a character called "Sparks" and his image on the front of a magazine.