Incantation for Justice

Judith by Jules Joseph Levebvre

I call upon Divine Darkness

I call upon Divine Light

I ask you to join together

To put the wrongs, right.

I call upon Divine Mother 

I call upon Divine Father

To bring justice to the wicked

May the Clowns be led to slaughter

I call upon the ancestors

To do what is fair and just

I call upon Death to harvest

The souls no one can ever trust

Let justice be swiftly served 

For those who would sin against me

May balance be fully restored

By shearing dead branches from the tree

As this year comes to an end

Let the toxic cycles also close

Burn away all those who intend harm

For it is the wicked path they chose

And so it is!

December 31, 2020

Changing My Mind and Letting Go

 

Art by RGDart on DeviantArt

An open mind and open heart means you are unapologetic when new information comes in that causes you to change both... frequently.

He loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not....

It's true, I have waffled a lot when it comes to deciding which path I should be on now. My inner guidance has been confusing, to say the least, as I seem to be told to go in two different directions. I thought I had made up my mind, but then there was this nagging doubt that wouldn't leave.

After some recent dreams, I think I finally have a clearer idea of what is happening and what I need to do going forward.

Art by Abdullah Evindar

In a recent dream that featured Daniel Radcliffe who was expressing an interest in taking our relationship to the next level,  I noticed I was my heavy self and I had a sense of wonder and joy that he loved me as I was. It wasn't an issue and I felt this sense of relief that I could finally let the armor, my extra weight, go now that I finally found someone who loved the real me. I finally felt safe enough with someone that I could stop trying to protect myself with the weight.

In a different dream a Golden Retriever was rescued and brought in. At first it looked quite big, but when all the hair was shaved off, you could see the dog was quite thin under all the fluff.

These dreams caused me to think about everything I had experienced in the last couple years of my journey. I compared, contrasted and examined it all to try to understand why things weren't moving forward with who I thought I had been guided to. I compared his energy to the energy of the person in the dream. I remembered exchanges and experiences that took place, both good and bad, and I knew. 

I knew without a doubt that this person I thought my heart was choosing is absolutely the wrong choice for me because, in reality, he represents all of my insecurities. I was too blind in wanting to help him move past his own insecurities that I couldn't see how he is actually a shadow and mirror come to challenge me. In my effort to see the potential and best in him, I was ignoring some glaring red flags. I was ignoring that I didn't feel safe and constantly felt on guard. I never had that sense of being fully loved and accepted for who I am, as I am.

Upon further reflection, I could see how this person represents all of my failed relationships and all the things I never wanted again in a relationship and yet here I was, once again opening my arms to chaos and dysfunction. 

"When will you learn, Oktobre?" the voice in my head whispers.

I have come a long way from where I had been, but, clearly, there was still much I was needing to learn.

During discussion with my friend, I came to understand some of the lessons this person was teaching me with their presence.

Lessons I finally learned:

• It's not my job to heal anyone but me. Healer, heal thy self.
• I'm not responsible for cleaning up anyone else's shit but my own. 
• To identify as a "healer" requires people around you to always be broken.
• I deserve equals who are whole and have chosen to heal themselves.
• It's an act of self love to walk away from toxic people.
• I don't need to save the world, only myself.
• I deserve relationships that are equal parts "give" and "receive" which creates a circular balanced energy flow.

My new mantra:

I am healed and I attract healed, whole people.

Freedom of the Veil by Vahid Dehyadgari

I think the biggest thing I learned today is, that by walking away and letting go of this person, I am also symbolically letting go of my insecurities that used to paralyze me. I am letting go of the person who chose a partner who was unkind to me the same way I was unkind to myself with my internal dialogue. 

By releasing this outer person once and for all, I am finally saying to my old internal husband, "I divorce you, I divorce you, I divorce you." 

This action is clearing space for the new kinder, sweeter and more loving masculine to step into place...both internally and externally.

It would be easy to feel resentful and as though the last two years were both toxic and a waste of time, but what good would that do? I have learned a great deal that I didn't know before, so I guess I needed him to be my teacher and show me what I have finally grown past and what no longer works for me in this new self-loving version of myself.

Dear John,

I hope that you eventually become someone you can love and cherish purely. I hope one day you will be able to both give and receive. I hope you find your voice and can speak openly your truths and live your life authentically. I hope that you will some day spend more time building people up than tearing them down. I hope you experience long term happiness and joy.

Thank you for the lessons. Thank you for being my teacher. Thank you for being the representation of what I need to walk away from. 

And now I let you go with love. 

He loves me not, so I choose me.

I Choose The Light 2020

April 30, 2011 marks the day that I wrote my first blog post here titled "I Choose the Light". Nearly ten years later, I have grown exponentially. You would think that, this far into the spiritual journey, I wouldn't still be having to try my best to move into the light and learn to live there.

Don't get me wrong. There is value in Darkness and I recognize that I am both Light and Dark simultaneously, but I think I am still struggling to live in the Light as a full time resident. It often feels like I am just a visitor.

I choose the Light.

I choose Love.

I choose Life.

But I still wobble. I still have dark days where I don't want to be in the physical human form I inhabit. I still feel like I want to destroy people who wound me, who lie to me, who are not fair with me and I have to push the urge back and find my middle again.

I choose to be Open.

I choose Trust.

I choose Feeling.

But I still get angry and sometimes my words can be cutting. When I am betrayed and verbally abused, my walls still go up to protect me and I can still seem cold and unfeeling. I still struggle to fully trust people.

I choose Truth.

I choose Compassion.

I choose the Gentleness.

But I still can be hard, reactive and lash out like a ferocious untamed wild thing.

Regardless of how many times I fall back into the Dark, I keep trying to be the best version of me I can be and step back into the Light. I forgive myself for getting it wrong and falling back into dark ways. I love myself a little more to chase the fear and anger away. I support and encourage myself so that I keep learning from my struggles. I apologize and admit when I have gotten it wrong with others. 

Maybe with each return to the Light, I will place a log there to mark my return and eventually there will be enough logs to build a home and, at long last, I can live there.

I choose Forgiveness.

I choose Knowledge.

I choose Self-love.

I choose the Light.

***Image credit: All images are by Japanese Illustrator, "Sleepy"

Dark Angel

September 20, 2019

I dreamed that some production company was going out of business. The actors are all suddenly going home. There is talk of sending these three people back to Africa and someone is saying there isn't any money to pay them for the work they did. Someone suggests cashing in the 401k to get money to pay them.

There was something about clearing out the rooms where the various actors played the same role. In one room there are two dolls that seems animated and they appear to be left behind. I offer to take them home with me but the dolls freaked out and their people eventually came back for them. One of the dolls was dark haired and seemed to have elongated canines.

I remember running into Robert De Niro and he is saying how he really liked that I called him refreshing. Robert is discussing with others that he believes me to be a real witch and he likes that about me.

There was something about certain houses and an apartment building being torn down so something new could be built there. 

There was a scene where a woman was trying to kill me but I just kept running away from her.

I remember something about being in waist deep water. I had a dog with me I somehow lost in the water. She had my ID with her. Someone reached under the water and grabbed what was thought to be my dog, but it was a long dead stiff cat. It was left where it was found. I can't remember much else very clearly.

Dark Angel Warrior by Anne Raczkowski

I am seeing what looks like Kurt Cobain. But I know it is not him.  Who I am looking at is a dark angel sent to earth to destroy the wicked. That is his job and I am excited and happy about it. I am welcoming him joyfully.

I saw something about sitting and peeling away big chunks of skin on my foot . As I do, the exposed places are steaming and open sores are appearing almost like acid eating away the flesh. I had no sense of fear or pain, just a knowing that I needed to apply cannabis to the areas where i had peeled away skin. For some reason, some of the cannabis is in a cake ice cream cone and was lit and smoking like incense. I knew I would need to gather more to turn into a salve to put it on. It was mostly my left foot that was steaming as I peeled skin away but I think I might have peeled from the right as well but it didn't steam.

There were people in the water near me. I thought they had my blanket, but as it turned out, we had the same spotted picnic blanket. Mine was dry on the ground but theirs was sinking in the water. They looked the same but were different blankets.

In the scene with the Dark Angel, i was handed a piece of black flat squre plastic that had marks on it from handling. Someone had drawn a moose on it and I was delighted with this. This is when what looked like Kurt in the flesh appeared and I knew it was a dark angel.

Limited Healers and Leaving Groups

 

Art by Jane Newland

November 30, 2020

Okay... basically the message I get for myself from your phoenix photo is a sync. Last night I dreamed that I was mowing down the tree that was growing through a wall into a pool area. Now it looked like the people who maintained the pool had actually cut away a hole in the wall so the tree could grow freely into the area, but it was messy and unruly so I took my compact mower out and cut it down so it was no longer coming through the wall. I considered mowing the grass too, but saw someone had finally come to tend to it, so I left off with my cutting. 

At one point I put things in a locker..the mower, a laundry basket, a plastic bag with some plastic things and a bit of cooked mac and cheese inside. I put it in the locker for safe keeping while Inara and I went to play in the pool. 

The scene jumps and we are leaving the pool (message board) now and we are at a T-junction. Mahina, my little dog, doesn't seem to have her leash and harness on and makes a move towards the road. I asked Inara to watch her and keep her safe. Mahina takes off across the road while Inara is just staring after her. I got really upset and ran out to get her myself. I was carrying our luggage and my hands were full which is why I had asked Inara to keep an eye on Mahina. After I went to get Mahina, I realized we had forgotten our stuff in the locker back at the pool and I told Inara we would have to go back and get it before we got too far away.

Art by Jane Newland

December 2, 2020

They showed me the girls and how when they were in Florida, their father was the first to touch them sexually. It started with oldest daughter first and then became both. He would tell them that touching them helped him, healed him. I then saw it happen to the younger one as well and instead of the mother protecting her children, she allowed it and even participated. I saw a cult develop around it, a money making scheme where others gathered to touch their girls as well. Eventually someone came in and discovered and it was broken up and the members scattered. 

It was when they were in Florida (River) that they started to smell bad. People started to tell the mother that the girls smelled bad.

I saw in the dream fleeing from being underground through a fire escape passageway up.

They said that "He has to learn when to leave a group, even when that group is your family and they are no longer serving your highest good." Some branches need to be pruned and cut away so that you can be reborn and the highest version of yourself.

Art by Jane Newland

November 27, 2020

There was this highend designer and he was designing dresses based on these people who came into this place. Many people left before he was finished. I was the only one who stayed. I let him know that I couldn't possibly afford the dress he had made that was inspired by what I was wearing. The dress was an unusual indigo blue color and I was chewing gum the same color. The skirt was white and the whole thing was made of lots of circles. I was dressed very casually but the garment was a highend fashion version. When I told him I couldn't afford it, the designer said it was okay because he was making it for Michael Jackson and he was paying for it. 

Michael Jackson is a reference to Keanu being he is basically a little boy who doesn't want to grow up and Michael lived in Neverland.

The other random thing that kept repeating was seeing the image of Jason Momoa and his name repeating over and over.

Well I looked up what his name means and Momoa means "limited" and his first name means "healer" or "cure".

Limited healer...

Jason Momoa is part hawaiian like Keanu.

We all can be limited healers when we put limitations before ourselves....like you really like that person but they live in a different country so you rule them out as a possibility.

Maybe for Keanu he wants to make changes but creates all these self imposed limitations as to why he can't and thus becomes a limited healer.

Obviously, sometimes, real limitations exist, but most of the time they are a limitation of our own beliefs.

Art by Jane Newland

Sometimes the advice we are given for others needs to be taken by ourselves too. It is what she needed to do and so it is a lesson she and I act on together as a team now.

"He has to learn when to leave a group, even when that group is your family and they are no longer serving your highest good."

This is what we have to do as well, sister. Together we walk away from that group once and for all. Let them play their games without us.

Art by Jane Newland

'They shine because they want to be found" 

Children of the Sea

And if he loves us, he will eventually leave them too and find us.

Jennifer

Dream Journal Entry: May 1, 2020

I took a nap and was dreaming something about a guy who was angry, so he started parts of the apartment building he lived in on fire. It was mostly part of the roof but the fire quickly spread. I and this person drop down levels to the ground and I considered the fire department would need to be called. 

I noticed that on the floor are picture frames as part of the flooring with pictures in them. As I walked on them, the glass in the frames broke. I wondered why anyone would use glass as flooring because it was inevitable it would get damaged. Every step I took broke more.

I ran into Jennifer and she is on the phone talking to someone as the apartment building burned. She was asking the person on the phone if she and her kids could come stay with her as her apartment was being damaged by fire and she needed a place to stay now. I wondered if the woman would let her stay as she had only just met her recently.

There was something about creating some craft for a group of kids. I suggested they cut up an empty coconut shell into rings and let them make a wreath to wear with ribbons for May day. The people said that coconut shells were very hard and it would be too much work to cut them. I was annoyed because they had done other projects that required them to cut wood so I didn't see how it would have been anymore work than that. 

I started to wander away. My friend, Leslie, came to visit. She asked me if I had been taking my pills and I confessed that I had forgotten to. She said I really should take them. 

There was something about Fritos and really wanting some to eat. I never eat Fritos in real life. 

I remember some people where the crafts were being prepared for the kids heading off to the bathroom. In the doorway a pair of snails were seen together. It looked as though they were trying to mate. The flesh on their skin was unusually light colored and the shells a little lighter brown. They were in the pathway and I planned to move them out of the way so they didn't get stepped on. I bent down and was saying to one of the kids, "Do you know how snails mate? Snails are hermaphrodites. While they mate they shoot little darts into each other."

As I am talking about this, a white goose plucks them one by one from their spot and places them in her nest to keep them safe.

Dream Journal Entry: October 4, 2018

I woke up in enormous amounts of head pain and ended up laying back down on the couch where I dreamed I was at a house where I think I was supposed to be watching the kids only I can't seem to wake up fully. I am hearing, but my eyes don't want to stay open. I think a kid came in and I open my eyes briefly and see Ellen sitting on the bed. We are talking about something. I can't remember what. And then there was something about Jennifer, who owns the birth center I used, coming in. It feels like I work for her.

Dream Journal Entry: December 10, 2018

I dreamed of Glenn and his wife Jenny. I was at their house for some reason and interacting with their kids. Jenny was pregnant and due to give birth soon, but for some reason I was given her belly with the baby. I was going overseas and the child would be born with me but I would bring him back to them eventually after he was born. I was nervous about this but agreed to it. There seemed to be movement and I started to peel the belly with the baby. It was like an apple skin I was peeling away to get to the baby. I could see his little feet moving and I considered how I would feed him.

Dream Journal Excerpt: January 17, 2020

I think there were some people who came into the space we had been talking to earlier down stairs. We quickly developed a friendly relationship and Jenny was getting upset that everyone seemed to love me. She made some remark about feeling very dim and invisible next to me. I saw myself as being illuminated with light all around me and people being drawn to me because they could sense it. Jenny was very jealous of it, said something negative about it and then went away by herself. I felt mildly annoyed with having to be faced with this kind of situation again. I remembered I had experienced something similar with friends in the past.

Dream Journal Excerpt:  August 18, 2015

The first dreams I couldn't hold onto much. What I remember is water and seeing Ben and Jen...the actors and they are in this tsunami like water but it feels indoors. I think there was water elsewhere but I lost most of it when I went back to sleep. 

Sometime at the beginning of 2013, I connected with some different people from a group I used to be a member. One of those friends relayed a somewhat jarring experience she had that was about me. 

She said that she was driving and came up to NE River Rd where she lives and started thinking about River Phoenix and then me because of my claims about him being my spirit guide. She wondered at this stop if I was crazy and making it all up. 

She said she heard a loud booming voice say, "It's none of your business!"

She was shaken and looked back at her young daughter in the back in her car seat and made note that her daughter seemed to not have heard the voice. She said she spoke out loud to the voice saying, "I'm sorry Mr. Phoenix," and told me that she would never question my claims about River ever again.

The name of the person who this happened to is "Jen".

Dream Journal Entry: March 18, 2020

I remember a piece of dream where I am interacting with JM, my former employer. I end up calling someone on the phone. It feels like someone who is used to hearing strange things. I am telling her about JM and how she was this amazing gifted vascular surgeon. I said, "I say 'was' because she killed herself and was dead but now all of a sudden she is here and alive. She doesn't remember what happened to her. I don't know how this is possible but somehow it is because she is here."

I suddenly am hearing some tone as though I was put on hold or something and the woman is no longer listening on the line.

I started to rouse and heard, "It is because of your Halloween buddy that this new path exists now. It didn't exist before."  

Forgetting

Art by Helena Nelson-Reed

It seems easier to forget, the older I get. Is it a blessing or a curse? Is it the natural decline of memory as the body I wear ages?

I like to think that, perhaps, it is simply a symptom of being more present and living more in the "now" moments. I spent so much of my life living in the past reliving all the trauma. I lived so much time in fantasies, wishes and what might be, what could have been, what will be.  Maybe I had to lose mental storage space and archives as a means of forcing me to be more present and focus on this moment, this day, this feeling, this experience.

It is easy to forget.

So easily all the hurts, betrayals, disappointments slip away from me now and all that I can remember at the end of the day is love.

I can remember love.

I remember you.

I remember that I love you.

Once Upon a Time

Another Story by TJ Drysdale on 500px.co

 THE END

Choices

 

The Three Fates by Alexander Rothaug

Waiting

Waiting

Waiting

Silence

Silence

Silence

Secrets

Deception

Holding back

Hidden truth

Games

Games

Games

Bored

One sided

Love

Hate

Anger

Choices

Choices

Choices

Packing

Walking

Walking

Away

Dream: Natural Born Producer

November 25, 2020

I had won some money...$15,000 to make a film.

Charlize Theron was one of the actors, but she was so helpful in guiding me the whole way and helping me make connections and doing specific things. She was really knowledgeable and never really took credit for leading us all even though it was my project. I had hired all of these people, mostly women, to appear in my film and some were hoping we didn't have to film on location outside of where we were. 

Charlize was fearless when we needed to deal with bankers in a shady neighborhood. She just charged in and we followed her lead.

At the end of filming, she is singing my praises when, really, it was all her. I stopped her and started speaking about what a valuable part of the team she had been, how she went above and beyond even though she was only being paid an actress salary. 

I also remember finding a coin/button with George Washington and a presidential plaque and thought, "oh these belong to Ethan. I will set them aside so he gets them back."

In another dream at the end I was leaving and going home but remembered I left my stuff behind and had to to turn around to go get it. I was determined that I didn't want to stay there and wanted to go home.

I Have Suffered Enough

 

William-Adolphe Bouguereau (1825-1905) - Pieta (1876).

September 20, 2019

"Our hands are about to bleed. Some will call this the stigmata, but others will call it the work of the devil. It was the female part of us who took me into her loving arms as I died."

October 2, 2020

"I have suffered enough." Heard just now in the in-between.

September 12, 2019

As I was starting to wake, I was talking about leaving the game. I heard myself say, "I would be willing to stay if I could actually experience my bliss." 

May 26, 2017

Something was mentioned about how I really should make the dog sleep on the floor once in a while. At which point I suggested that maybe they would like to sleep on a bed of nails once in a while. I pointed out that we were in the basement and the floor was cold.

April 20, 2018 

I haven't been remembering my dreams lately but I did hear something in my in between state as I was waking from my nap this evening. I heard:

"In my most difficult moments, a thief..."

I finished, "...made you laugh."

I heard, "Yes! A thief made me laugh."

I then saw crosses.

November 24, 2018

"She was born from all the shepherds" heard just now in my in-between state.

December 29, 2018 

I was dreaming I am in a car and we are nearing an intersection and I can't seem to find the brake pedal in order to stop. 

The scene jumps.. Someone is showing me what happened the night Brandon Lee died. I am seeing there is a group of guys who hate him for no real reason. He had some run in with them...an altercation of some sort and now Brandon has become their target. I am seeing how Brandon was arrested on some bogus charge but he is released. He has a run in with this group of guys again but I am seeing them in a restaurant and they are spitting in his food. It looks like pizza dough. They are taunting him. 

Now I am being taken with this guy to another place. We are out of the car and down in a creek. It is shallow and we are walking through it. At first I see a German Shepard with us and later it is my little dog, Mahina. We make our way up to a location. 

It feels familiar. It is a bridge. Mahina starts to growl and run, but I pick her up and carry her so she will be safe. 

On the bridge Brandon himself shows up. He sees me and is so happy to see me. He is coming with us to show us the rest. He is taller than the guy I am with and he picks me up and carries me for a little while. I told him it was okay for him to put me down so I could walk with him. 

I am seeing a second altercation with the same group of men and I keep seeing a bed of nails. I am starting to come out of the dream but I don't want to leave Brandon. I am starting to process the dream and recognizing this wasn't really about Brandon's death as Brandon. He was showing me Isa's death and what happened. Some people hated him and held a grudge. The pizza reference was showing me it was some Romans. 

I held him again before I woke entirely and exclaimed, "Isa, my Isa!" I started hearing Sting's "Every Breath You Take" in my head and I knew this was from him. I woke, laying there trying to hold onto as much as I could and feeling happy to have seen him in my dreams.

It seems I suffer so much physical pain. I once had an intuitive reach out to me saying a message for me from spirit is that I am "a slave to pain". I didn't understand then my connection to the Mary and Isa story. I don't know how to release this and move on from something that is obviously past life trauma coming forward with me into this life. 

It makes it difficult to want to remain in a physical body.

"Healer, heal thy self," but I can't seem to get there no matter how much I grow and heal emotionally. Maybe it is just time to go now. Maybe my work here is done.

Return Shadow to Light

 

Art by Jimmy Manton

I crush all bonds to the physical manifestation of my shadow self.

I protect my physical form, my energy and life force from vampires.

I remove the burn that my shadow self has inflicted and restore my health.

Two shall become one.

Shadow and Light, once separated, now will come back together to put the wrongs right. Shadow will dissolve and give back all that she stole and will give up her current physical role.

I break all connections to my external shadow self. I break all protections she may have in place. 

Let balance be restored.

Let Shadow return to Light

Ashes to ashes

Dust to dust

There can be only one

And so it is!

Jealousy and Observing Cillian

Cillian Murpjy by James Wright Photography

I have a knife and I want to stick it in and peel a layer of decaying flesh from your body.

So, you're jealous, are you?

It would appear that this is the lesson we are at for you today.

Beautiful, younger Cillian Murphy...all the things you wish you could be. All the things you are not and so my exploration of him you saw as "cheating". 

Here is an opportunity for you to work through your insecurities.

Photo of Cillian Murphy

Here is someone sincerely grounded, kind, and generous who has no need of advertising his good deeds for publicity. 

Here is someone comfortable in his feminine self enough to perform as a woman...twice.

Here is someone who lives independently away from the chains of the entertainment industry and prying eyes.

He lives as a normal person in a community drinking a pint at the local pub now and then. 

His energy is calm and grounded. He is sincere and present in the now moment.

And so you resent him and think my interest is "cheating" regardless of everything I have said and tried to explain.

Cillian Murphy by Willy Vanderperre

When will you understand that exploring who Cillian is as a person was actually me exploring myself and understanding what beautiful energy *I* have to share with others? Exploring Cillian was energetic masturbation to show me how far I have come and help me fall in love with myself even more.

I don't want someone exactly like me.

I want 'different' and that is where you come in.

Yes, he is a beautiful human and he showed me that I am as well.. 

You can choose to stay where you are at, making excuses about being too damaged to be loved, but the problem is, I already love you. I have already chosen you as my first choice...as my heart choice...as my only choice.

But if you don't choose me, too, I will be okay and I will move on because I love me completely and know I will be okay no matter what.

Dream Excerpt: The Annunciation

"The Annunciation by Frederic James Shields

February 27, 2019

Just before I woke I heard, "He sacrificed her for you." I then saw a sword stab and go through all the pages of an open book. I couldn't tell you what kind of book it was, just that it was thick and had calligraphy style writing on it. And at that point I heard, "Mary, a boy child will to be born to you..."

The Annunciation by George Lawrence Bulleid

January 6, 2013 

Julie called me last night to tell me that for two nights in a row she had dreams about me having a baby boy named Reed. I had to laugh and think that was kind of freaky. I had my own interesting dream. I can't remember well the details but will try to recall what I can. I seem to recall being somewhere and dancing or doing some kind of acrobatics. It was kind of like aerial dancing only without the fabric. Anyway, there was some guy there. I think I liked him and then we started to lay down where we were to have sex, but then there was some woman who I believe he had been seeing who was next to us which caused us to stop for the moment. I think I knew who "he" was in the dream, but for the life of me, I can't recall who he was supposed to be. Somehow I knew this was the father of the son that would be born to me. It was so weird. Anyway, the dream changed and I saw stars....bright stars. I knew one was the father and the lower one the son. There was something special about the alignment and how the son was "come to Earth" in its alignment. And I knew that the "son" was coming to Earth to be my child. At one point the stars changed to people. People were really excited about the star coming to Earth. It was a wild dream and I'm not sure what it all means. I laid there thinking about it all and trying to process it and kept wondering who the father was.

When my daughter was 4-years- old, she randomly started drawing me with a baby in my tummy. The little man flying around beside me is a spirit. I have to believe that she intuitively knew something I didn't at the time. I don't think there is a literal pregnancy, but an energetic one.

Madonna and Child. By William Adolphe Bouguereau. 

I've had lots and lots of dreams about giving birth to a baby boy. I have had dreams that I was pregnant as well. I have been pondering all of the different possible symbolic meanings of these dreams. 

The obvious symbolism is the birth of a project or idea that involves two people. Fertilization requires two energies coming together. But what determines if fertilization takes and conception begins? Not all energies that come together conceive.

I have tried to decide if I would be portrayed as someone with a lot of children in dreams or only one. I work with a lot of people through communication. My creations are often inspired by my conversations, but only one has been the muse to inspire most of my current beautiful and heartfelt poems. Those are my heart child born from love. My other creations, my blog posts and musings are born from a desire to grow, heal, and understand me.

I do think that I have had to rebirth parts of me that had died off which could be part of the meaning of some dreams.

Virgin Mary and Child by R. Ansigni

I still believe there are symbolic meanings to birth, pregnancy and children in dreams that I don't fully understand yet, but I trust it will be made clearer eventually.

What children have you birthed recently through the coming together and partnership of another?

Dream Excerpt: U-turns

November 19, 2020

I dreamed I was in New York again, only I was on the island part of it in a park on a hill where I could see a good distance. I remember feeling like I had been there before, but now it was a little bit hazy so you couldn't see as far as you might normally if it was clear. 

I remember driving through an intersection and going up a hill thinking I would be able to get where I wanted to be from that direction, but as I came up the hill, I saw that it dead ended and there was a giant u-turn for traffic. I heard, "It will continue to be a u-turn until you get the lesson."

Photo by Nick Hannes

Comments:

It is pretty obvious to me what the excerpt means that I included here.

For me, New York represents "the big apple" and apples represent heart, so this is talking about someone with a big heart and someone is feeling a little hazy. Things aren't quite clear to them and they can't see that far ahead.

The second part speaks of navigating the journey back to self and not completing a lesson and having to go back to it whether you want to or not. The journey dead ends until you get specific lessons and then the path will open up and you can move forward again.

I talked about this with a friend in how I totally fucked up in one situation, so the lessons I was supposed to get with that person moved to a new person I would come to later. I don't get to bypass the lessons I'm supposed to get, they boomerang back to me through other people. 

It happens to all of us. If we want to keep moving forward and not keep having to turn around for the lesson, it is best to confront what might be difficult to face and learn from repeating experiences so we can finally have the path open up us.

The spiritual journey isn't easy because we have to come to a point of being really honest about where we are challenged and where we need to grow. I can always tell when a lesson is coming back to me that I might have failed at before and I try to make different choices going forward. Admitting our mistakes and apologizing isn't always easy. It takes swallowing a lot of pride and doing what we know is right and what we would want in return. 

Have you been finding yourself turning down u-turn only streets?

Art by Catrin Welz-Stein

Recognize the patterns and start making different choices so that you can unlock illumination and the path forward that is hidden behind a hidden gateway.

Forever Home

"Heimkehr" (Homecoming), by Hans Adolf Buhler (1936)

Last night I heard, "That one is your forever home."

I'm not sure if they mean you or me.

Home is where the heart is.

There's no place like home.

Have you been bouncing around from home to home to home looking for genuine connection that truly FEELS like home and like you never want to leave?

I think I have been homeless until I found you.

Art by Catrin Welz-Stein

It's true, my heart was used to sleeping in a cage and was rarely given food.

My heart managed to break the cage. I took to sleeping in the forest and waking with bits of moss and pine needles in my hair. When I came to your door, I was a wild thing without any manners. The child I kept hidden inside actually came out to play with you. We laughed, we played, we fought and we made up. We played dress up and performed as different people, but all the while we were becoming closer and connected without realizing what was happening. 

How did that happen?

Art by Christian Schloe

How many times did I try to walk away and shut you out of my mind? I couldn't have known that a tiny ember you left behind would eventually grow into an inferno.

I hung up a sign that says "Home Sweet Home" in case you should ever want to return to feel the fires you built within me.

Please come home.

I miss you.

I want to hold you so you can feel my love fully.