Choosing to Stay and Continue My Role

Art by mou-s

I made an important decision recently.

I posted something on Instagram for someone on June 21, 2019:

All is not lost, my love.
You can still save me.
You can still save the beast from certain death.
Did the knowledge of my illness send you into a tail spin?
Did it trigger old wounds?
Did you catch air and start to lose control of your vehicle?
In the Neverending Story the Princess was dying but the solution was easier than anyone imagined.
The same is true for our story.
All you have to do is choose me and tell me you want me to stay.
I will stay for you. 

I posted other things after, but I went into a little bit of a rage because of the continued silence I am still getting from the person I wrote it for. I thought, "Fuck this shit, I just want out!! I don't want to be here! Give me death right the fuck now! This reality sucks ass!" I felt like a caged animal pacing back and forth.

Everyone, including myself, keep saying that our thoughts create our reality and that is true to a degree. Intention IS everything, but sometimes our desires and intentions are stalled if it isn't actually for the highest good. Since I have started this journey, I have thought so many times, "Please let me die." But I have also been shown that if I take my own life, I will have to wait for the rest of my team before I can move on. So I simply have tried to intend my death and maybe help it a long by not really taking care of the vehicle I am in.

Art by Andy Ivanov

Recently it has felt like I was making progress as my body is starting to have serious issues and I thought, "Finally I can wake up and go home."

Except it isn't that simple.

In my writing I said my soul partner needs to choose me and then I will make an effort to stay. In my Vedic astrology chart, my longevity house is blank which speaks to me that I get to choose when I leave.

You have to understand, I didn't step into the game for me. I didn't step in for "happily ever after" even though that is part of the game. I stepped inside to help someone else who needs assistance. I always see it in dreams as a younger boy who I agree to help.

Angry Aggie from the Laika movie ParaNorman

This being, like Agatha in Laika's ParaNorman, had grown pretty pissed off and become destructive while stuck inside the game. Most people would refer to him as Satan, Lucifer, Death or the Devil. And really, he is just an actor who takes the shittiest roles to perform.

The thing is, in reality, this being is part of a larger being.

On one side he is God of all things light and airy and on the other he is God of the Underworld and all things dark and ominous. But it is time for the two sides to come back together now and I have been assisting as the bridge.

In my desire to be done with this game, I forgot the reason I am here in the first place. It was a recent dream my thoughts went back to in my rage of wanting to leave that helped me stop in my tracks. I shared the dream on social media and I will share it here as well:

Dream Journal Entry: June 13, 2019 I was telling someone just now in a dream, "It's me, I'm the Lion. I'm the one who is terminal. I could have days left or maybe a year or two. I'm just supposed to keep doing God's work while I am here." 

I was saying this to Jan who was at an alter that was being prepared for a woman to lay at for some ritual. There was a small waterfall configuration and cut logs with lit candles. There was some mixture that had been put together for her to lay on that looked like a red paste. There was also a green wreath to place on her head waiting for her arrival. 

Jan and I used to be friends but parted ways in real life. In the dream she seemed dubious about what I was saying, or maybe it was more annoyed that I wasn't having to do what everyone else was doing because of doing "God's" work. When I said God, I actually made air quotation marks. 

In earlier dreams there was a scene with my father and he was driving a truck with all of us in it. We came up over a hill and caught air and the landing bounced the truck making the truck start to lose control. But somehow he managed to hold on and brought the truck back into control and no one was injured. I complimented him on how well he handled that. 

Later there was a scene and i was calling for my mom because I was losing mobility in my extremities. I was showing her the difficulty I was having in my hands and how they would get stuck. Mom was concerned because it didn't look good for me. 

There was something about someone who had served time in jail with my dad. I think he liked me or maybe it was that I liked him. I can't remember well. He came back briefly for a scene but I can't remember what took place.  

Then there is a boy. I recognize him as Joshua. In reality, he is my friend's, Dan, 6 year old son, but in the dream, I referred to him as Keanu's son. Both men happen to be part Hawaiian. Apparently I had only recently met him but he didn't want to have anything to do with anyone but me. There was something about him taking some small gold hoop earrings out and putting in different ones. He handed the gold hoops to me to hold. There was something about what Keanu had left with us that we needed to make sure was used and replenished. It feels like moss and bark but I am not sure how it was used.  

Joshua is telling me about how Max, the ex con friend, had recently gotten shot in the butt. I laughed and told him I hadn't heard that but he went quiet when others were near as if no one else was supposed to know about it. Joshua was getting ready for school in a uniform. Normally he has long dark hair but for a minute it looked like he had cut his hair. As it turned out, it was just brushed in a way that made it appear to be short.  

The next scene was the ritual scene with Jan. 

 I was going to ask my friend, Dan, what his son's middle name is because sometimes the meaning can be found in the middle name. Funny enough, he had just posted a picture of his young son hugging a giant redwood and had used his full name. The image had powerful symbolism to me as I have gotten in dreams that I am helping a giant.

Art by Liella Art

Joshua Thomas translates to "To save the twin".

This blew me away.

It was in those moments of rage and wanting desperately to exit the flesh prison that I saw Joshua's face and stopped my storm abruptly.

This kid has been reborn inside of my partner and I can't just take off now when we are so near to completing the task of helping him remember who he really is and bringing the parallel worlds back together as one and into harmony.

Reality will change as we know it when that happens.

Seriously.

This is huge!

Yes, I still want to go home but I can't abandon this kid who is counting on me. We are so close to ending war and chaos.

Art by mou-s

And so I officially choose to stay for the highest good of all...but mostly for that kid I have seen when I have dreamed from inside my partner.

You might be thinking, "But what about your fucked up ride? How are you going to stay if your car doesn't want to stay running?"

I have simply called upon my fairy godmother to help me. Maybe you call them "God" or "angels" but basically they are an aspect of the game...a tool. You can open your tool chest and give them full permission to act on your behalf to make shit happen for the highest good. The catch is, you actually have to BELIEVE they are taking action without knowing exactly how or when it will all fall into place. You won't get help from them if you don't ask for it. You won't get help if you ask but then don't believe it will happen. Not believing basically cancels your request.

You have to BELIEVE in magic before magic can happen around you.

Art by Ellectrolusion