Bloggity Blog, I Caught a Frog...

...in my throat chakra.

This blog post is me clearing my throat chakra.

How did you like my dramatic exit with the previous blog post? Lol

In the spiritual world, we would not call what I had a "breakdown" but a "tower moment". Most of the spirtually initiated are familiar with the Tower card in a traditional tarot deck. Basically it is a card that tells you, "Yep, you are fucked. Shit is going to fall apart for you." A lot of people freak out if they draw a tower card for themselves.

I drew this very card days before I would have my Tower moment. I had just started following an artist on Instagram who had recently created a deck. She shared the entire deck as a video that flips quickly through each card. The viewer is asked to do a screenshot and see what card they get. I got the Tower card.

Cocorrina & Co

I didn't feel particularly worried because I have been through a plethora of Tower moments since I started this journey. But this one....this one was different. It was like it leveled me and I stood in the rubble that was myself feeling unsure of where to go or what to do next.

During my time away, I had conversations with friends,  continued to have meaningful dreams I would write down and did a lot of self reflection and processing.

I learned something about myself.

I am steeped in spirituality. It makes up every particle of my being now. Even when I want to give up and be entirely done with it all, I can't stop seeing the messages. I can't stop interpreting all that I see and experience. I can't stop talking about it and sharing it with others even if it is only one or two people privately. My new knowledge is part of every room in the house that I call "me". The knowledge has given me new eyes to see with and I can't stop myself from now seeing the whole world differently around me.

An example of this was something I recalled, privately, to a friend. It happened yesterday.

I saw a grossly overweight woman today walk into Starbucks this afternoon. She had difficulty walking. I sat there thinking, "She feels so much and never expresses it. She holds it all in. I could help people like her if I had a platform to share what i know." 

The weight is everything we don't release. If people knew and understood how to do it constructively, they could release so much of what is manifesting as fat in the physical. People look at fat people and think food is the problem and it really isn't. 

It is what we feel and how we deal with it.
I think when we start to express ourselves and balance, we naturally start to gravitate to making different choices for our bodies. 

Like me giving up coffee. I gave it up because it was hurting my stomach so much. I thought about the message that had. Coffee is dark and bitter in it's unenhanced state. So I can no longer stomach the dark and bitter so I was letting it go because it hurts me too much to hold onto it.

After having a day of being bedridden for 24 hours with severe head pain and throwing up anytime I stood, a different friend suggested I focus on my family.  I was so surprised at how profound my response to her ended up being  that I saved it so I could remind myself of my own words. I need to hear and see those words often when I forget.

Physically I am good. I'm giving up coffee so I should be better.

If you were locked away in a prison cell, would your mind not seek to leave the confines of that cell? The only imbalance is that I have grown and my environment has not grown with me. Maybe it takes some time for the outer world to take shape and materialize in the physical, but I am confident it is happening, I just have to learn patience. It is a hard lesson when some days I feel more like Veruca Salt (Charlie and the Chocolate Factory) stamping my feet saying, "Daddy, I want it! Give it to me, NOW!" 

I spend 24/7 with my daughter. She is my family and we talk constantly about everything. I guess if we are talking about balance, I need to venture out and create other face to face relationships with some grown-ups. I have no in person friends. 

It has been an extremely hard journey and I have definitely felt extreme exhaustion at times, but I actually feel pretty good right now. 

I feel like I am at a place now where I need "different". The other day when I had to go walk to the store, we went to a different store and walked a different route and just that little variation made both Inara and I feel better. I made a deal with her that we both need to make an effort to do at least one thing different every day and before you know it, all of those little differences make your whole life different than it was before.

For now, while I am poor, I will have to settle for little differences like walking to a different store.

I hope all is well with you and you get encouraging results from your exams. Thank you for caring.

I expounded on those thoughts a little with my friend, Lindsay.

Little Differences feels a little like a snake wiggling out of his old skin. It takes time but with each wiggle, he gets more and more out of the old skin.

I woke up this morning after my dream realizing my guy has been with all of the people I have encountered...even the "mistakes". He has been there with me all along in spirit like an ocean wave moving me along. There is no judgement except our own, really. I mean I could be hard on myself and dwell on the "mistakes" but the important thing is that I learned from them. 

How we react and respond to a situation determines whether or not we will have to repeat the lesson. 

On the drive home from the beach yesterday, I was thinking about how part of my current issue is that I don't feel comfortable saying "follow me" when I am not really at the proverbial "there" myself. I'm still trying to figure shit out as I go along. I still fuck up a lot....but I learn and I gain and I change, which really isn't a bad thing.

I really am trying to be a better version of me in any given moment as I go travel on my path.

I am back...sort of...but I am not entirely sure how that will take shape and look like. I don't think I can just pick up the strings I dropped and repeat the method of delivering my story in completely the same way as before.

Something feels different inside.

And so "different" is what I will embrace to move forward to create a "different" life.