 |
| "From a Dream" by Hans Zatzka |
"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."
Rumi
My friend, Lindsay, and I work together a lot on processing and working through what needs to be worked through on any given day. Some days she gets quite an earful from me while I am trying to figure something out. The below is dialogue I sent to her while she is at work. She hasn't even read it yet, but as I was typing, I knew I was coming to an important self discovery. I was finally coming to an epiphany that will help change my life so I thought I would share my mental gymnastics with all of you.
Step inside my mind:
April 24, 2016 9:13am
I watched a documentary called Jesus in India before I went to bed so it wasn't entirely surprising that I dreamed of India and Indians.
It felt like a class almost but not really. There was a group of Eastern Indians and they were doing a physical assessment of me. It was an unusual assessment because they were touching me and smelling me but I was also supposed to be learning from this experience. It was fascinating and then they gave their recommendation. There was some issue with my left foot and some supplement type things that came in the form of little Indian candies were suggested. There were three things mentioned but I can't remember what they were. I made mention about an Indian grocer and where it was located and their eyes lit up and they were surprised I knew about it. I explained that my husband was half Indian. I talked about his relatives that were still in Ranchi. I expressed how excited I was to watch them do this process to other people because I wanted to learn what they were doing. I also mentioned Chinese medicine and the whole idea of yin/yang imbalances and said I was pretty sure that my imbalance leaned toward more masculine than feminine.
The dream seems to progress and again it feels like a class and we are assigned specific positions based on the assessments we had earlier. It feels like my color was green and pink. I think I mentioned the heart chakra having the same colors. It feels like there is a small group of us. I can't remember the other colors. I do remember there was a guy in the group and some girl made mention she thought he and I would end up together because we seemed to be in each other's orbit. I didn't deny it but didn't acknowledge it either. I seem to witness some ritual or lesson. I was interested in it and then I see two or three of my classmates performing a ritual and I commented asking how they knew how to do what they were doing because it hadn't been shown to us yet. I was surprised. I had some knowing that what they were missing for this ritual was me and this other guy. Like we were the central part of it and they were practicing it in anticipation for performing it. I had some knowing that he and I had to come together to create something. I went back to the location of this ritual planning to complete it on my own. I think it was at that point one of our group members says she was leaving. She said she had the tools she needed and that is all it was really about...that I could stay and complete the task if I wish but she was going. I see myself in this small area getting ready to perform whatever it was and I am holding something...a white cloth. It feels like seeds might be inside. I don't remember much else about the dream. There was another part of the dream where I seem to recall the color red but I can't remember what happened. Maybe it will come back to me later.
Basically what the dream tells me is 1. My assignment IS love and partnership and 2. My partner is MIA
I don't know. I am still trying to figure out what belief inside is holding up abundance and financial security.
I was just processing.
 |
| Painting by Hans Zatzka |
But I value myself and know my own worth.....
Hmmmm...
Maybe that is it, maybe I don't actually know my own worth and I am "selling myself short".
Because the money always seems to come up short.
So I chose a situation where ends wouldn't meet because I am selling myself short. I need to understand and accept my own value.
Sorry... processing this here.
 |
| "Arabian Nights" by Hans Zatzka |
If I change my internal beliefs, the opportunity, which I believe my partner will offer me, will be able to come to me. We set it up so that we HAVE to work with a partner because I knew I wouldn't seek one otherwise. If I had the financial security and independence, I wouldn't complete what needs to be completed with a partner.
I think where the problem lays is not wanting to come off as an ego maniac in knowing my own worth and value. It is necessary to find the middle ground.
September 7, 2017The dream where I was given all of this money and it upset me a lot. I was happy to hand it off to someone else. It was showing me two things: I didn't want the responsibility of "saving" anyone else and by not wanting the responsibility, I also was showing I didn't understand my own value and what it could mean to others. Basically, if I can figure it out ..how to work through the internal blocks so that what we want can manifest in the external, then I can share my example with the world and help transform the lives of others. Leading through example. But I have to accept the responsibility on a larger scale and have been internally dragging my feet.
Oh yeah, I just remembered a bit where some old woman came by and there was something about pennies. I can't remember if I gave them to her or she gave them to me, but somehow she had passed off this cart full of money of deposits people had made. I was pushing it around not knowing what to do with it. I am not sure why it upset me so but I was starting to cry about it. I didn't want the responsibility because I didn't know what to do with it. There was a big pile of money in the middle of this room and I finally found someone who knew what to do with it and I was happy to give it to them.
 |
| "Oath of Love" by Hans Zatzka |
No comments:
Post a Comment