I'm Feeding The Trolls

So, I have this hater. Michael Gazica is a Sum 41 fan who has taken a personal disliking to my comments on Deryck Whibley's pictures on Instagram. My last blog post is filled with hateful comments from him and while I could completely ignore him, I want to take this opportunity to impart information that could be useful to some of my readers.

I annoy him a LOT according to him. And maybe if I were in the 5th grade and still the sensitive being I once was, the hateful words of a bully like him would have made me cry. I am not that sensitive child. I am a hardened 46-year-old woman...old enough to be his mother and his attempts to drive me away are pointless. I could psycho-analyze his behavior and dissect why it is he feels the need to attack me, but I'm not sure it serves a useful purpose here.

What I understand that it might take him many years to come to is that we all act as mirrors for each other.  We show each other where we need to grow. If someone triggers you, chances are pretty good they are reflecting something inside of you that you need to take a look at. You can ignore the opportunity to grow and continue to be hateful and unpleasant or you can choose to look at your shadow self and become a better person. He doesn't understand yet, but I know his spite and venom isn't really about me...it is about a deficit within him that he doesn't want to face. I am simply the trigger.

Maybe he hoped to rattle my chains, but all I could do is sit there and think "He is another me. He is showing me my shadow self. I love you, Michael Gazica, because my shadow self especially needs love." See, in the end, we are all one despite the illusion that we are separate beings. We are all connected. To hate him for his ill behavior is to hate myself. Maybe some day that other me will grow and learn and become a nicer person. I can hope.

As I told him in comments, I am secure in who I am. His opinion of me has no weight or influence on the choices I make or my behavior. Hate if you need to hate but know that I love me and my love for me is really the only love that matters.

A Trip Down Memory Lane - House of Blues - Sunest Strip

I woke at 2:00 a.m. to pee. I shouldn't have looked at my phone but I did. Ariana Cooper had posted a photo of a band from the House of Blues in Los Angeles. That was all it took. My head started taking a trip down memory lane and I couldn't go back to sleep. Her fiance, Deryck Whibley, had posted a video the night before of the Smashing Pumpkins and, coincidentally, it took me back to this very same place in time in my history....Los Angeles 1994. The fact that twice in two days I was reminded of this time must mean something but I don't know what yet. Let me take you back in time with me.

I was dating Sky Phoenix and he wanted to fly me to LA for my best friend's birthday. I had just moved to Portland, Oregon that year so the flight wasn't long or bad. My BFF was living in the Charlie Chaplin mansion at the time and I stayed with her there a couple nights. She had BEGGED me to go to Lollapalooza with her for her birthday. I despise huge crowds and she really had to convince me but I finally agreed. Smashing Pumpkins were headlining that year. I really didn't care about any of the bands playing. I had only gone for her. It was hot and all the sweaty bodies made it smelly. People were dancing practically on top of me. I was a smoker then and I used my cigarette as a means of keeping people at a distance and burning those who got too near. Hahahaha

On another night Sky took me and my BFF to the House of Blues and because of who he was connected to, we were admitted into the VIP section (I guess they call it the Foundation Room). It was such a surreal experience for me. There were attendants in the bathroom with hot towels, mouth wash, perfume, etc. On that night we met Sharon Stone's brother (did anyone even know she had a brother? lol).

We also saw Danny Aiello walk in with his entourage. It was the person that we ended up spending much of the evening with that would make this night super memorable. We ended up sitting with Tony Curtis. He was so animated. Maybe it was the alcohol talking or maybe that was just his personality, I wasn't sure. He talked and talked to us. He told us about the death of his son and cried in front of us. He showed us his scar from his recent heart surgery and he asked my BFF to marry him. Hahahaha Oh what a night!  He became our personal tour guide of the HOB. And while Sky had been there plenty, he wanted me to see all the nooks and crannies that were hiding and allowed Tony to be our HOB tour guide. Tony, god love him, paraded us through all of the secret rooms. 

He took us through a private dining area too. Oh pardon us, we are crashing your dinner and spying on you. Hahaha I can't even remember who was performing that night but Tony dragged us down stairs for a while and got us right in front. It was a night unlike any other.

As I lay awake remembering all of this, I remembered Sky taking a photo of something engraved somewhere and it was in honor of one of the financial contributors to the LA location who had died before he had a chance to see it opened....River Phoenix.

From Wiki: "The first House of Blues opened on November 26, 1992, in the Harvard Square commercial district and retail area of Cambridge, Massachusetts. The company was originally financed by Dan Aykroyd, Aerosmith, Paul Shaffer, River Phoenix, James Belushi, and Harvard University, among others. This original location has since closed. However, the hands-in-concrete driveway where members of the Blues Brothers and others left their mark, still remains."

River....my dearest River had a hand in the creation of this business. It wasn't until two years ago that I discovered River is my spirit guide and because of this, this special night so long ago has even more meaning now. Maybe there is a message here from him that I am missing and maybe I just need to go to sleep so I can dream the answer.

Advice To Our Younger Selves, Falling In Love, and Gratitude

So it all started with a comment on an Instagram picture Deryck Whibley (Sum 41) posted of his 17-year-old self.

Me: What advice would you give to your younger self knowing all that you know now?

Deryck: I would say keep doing what ur doing kid, ur gonna love every min of it.

Me: Seriously that is it? Omg I have so much I would tell my 17 year old self. The biggest changes I have made have been within the last 5 years. I wish I could have made some of those changes a lot younger. I marvel at some of the younger people today and how they just get some of the things that it took me 30+ years to figure out. I'm glad you have no regrets. When you have kids of your own, that perspective might alter a little.

It inspired me to post a photo of my younger me and say some of those things to her. I posted this photo: 

And this was what I said:

I asked @sum41 what advice he would give his younger self. He didn't have much he would tell his younger self, but I have plenty I would say to my younger me knowing all that I know now. 

Dear younger me, let go of the anger and stop building walls around your heart because they will be hard to tear down later. Love yourself wildly and passionately. There is nothing to fear. Let the fear go that was taught to you by religion. Enjoy the little things in life because those are what matter most. Don't worry about what others think of you. The only opinion of you that matters about you is your own. If you see an opportunity in front of you, take it. It might never come again. That person you thought would always be there just might die tomorrow. Tell people how much you love them and tell them often. Don't ever stop writing and trust your own intuition.

And then my West Coast BFF, Shannon, posted this photo of me in the comments on Facebook:

I had never seen this photo of me before and it struck me and made my grinchy heart grow a little. This photo is SO me in a nutshell....happiest with a pen in my hand and deep in thought. But look at her! Just look! She is BEAUTIFUL and AMAZING and CREATIVE and FEELING and yet she never thought she was pretty enough or smart enough or thin enough or talented enough. She never thought very much of herself at all. All of the negative self talk....all of the closing off and walls she put up because what she felt she didn't think she could handle and she didn't want to be weak and crumble. She didn't want to be vulnerable. Her heart eventually became frozen in layers and layers of ice so that she could numb herself from being able to feel.

I sat there wishing I really could reach back and hug my younger self and give her the advice and wisdom I have today to share from my experience she didn't have yet. I was talking to my East Coast BFF, Ziba, and telling her all of this. I have done so much inner work and gained so much momentum just from talking about everything rattling around my brain with Ziba. She and I have similar issues we need to face and "self love" is a topic that has come up a lot.

As I mentioned to her, everyone is talking about loving the self first. We hear it over and over and yet we just nod and say "okay" but none of us really understand what we need to do and how to achieve it. Self-love is almost as mystical and elusive as dragons, unicorns and the perfect romantic partner. But today, something clicked and I completely understand what I need to do. I can see it, feel it and taste it in a way I couldn't before.

What I need to do is romance myself. I mean, I need to treat me the way I would a lover in the beginning stages of a relationship. I need to shower her/me with poems of love, tender words, kindness and consideration. I need to let her know that I love every aspect of her. I need to let her know that I love even the negatives and the dark side because even our shadow selves need to be loved.

I have an exercise in mind that I want to practice. I am going to visualize my now me with me at different ages and I want to love her. I want to tell her all the things she needed to hear back then but didn't. I want her to feel SO much love that all of her walls crumble. I will love myself so much that the inner fire and light will burst outward and disintegrate the fortress that has kept my heart a prisoner and hidden away.

I think this is key for moving forward and achieving all that I wish to achieve in my life and I feel really optimistic about it. I can't wait to start romancing myself.

I invite all who read this to post a photo of your younger you and give him/her advice from what you know now. I invite you to fall in love with yourselves and give yourself the love you desire so much. We often seek love from external sources when really the love we want most of all is our own.

I want to say thank you to Deryck for being my muse and posting things that make me ponder and contemplate life. I want to thank my West Coast BFF, Shannon for always being there and just getting me and loving me in the way I need to love myself. Can you believe it has nearly been 30 years ago that we met?! I want to thank my East Coast BFF, Ziba, for being there everyday and talking through so much of this stuff with me. I can let my spirituality hang out all over the place with you and be my weird self with you. I appreciate the presence of all of you in my life no matter what form or capacity. Love and gratitude to you.

The Tale of My Custom Orgonite

This is the lovely completed orgonite created by ShowMe Orgonite. This is after the resin was poured.

So I had this dream:

October 31, 2014 I had really kind of hoped I would dream about River as it was the anniversary of his death and he was on my mind, but instead I dreamed about Erik. I have never had a true Erik dream until last night…where the Erik face/vessel played the role. I dreamed about him all night. I would wake and say, “remember that” and then drift back off and keep dreaming about him. There was only the first part with him actually there with me. The rest was me trying to keep the memory. I was with Erik. We were a couple. There was this other couple who had created a place, a space for us to meet up and be together. I mean, I knew he was coming through in spirit and they created a space where he could come through and we could be together in a more physical way. We held each other and kissed and I didn’t want to ever part. I just wanted to stay there forever.
 
Then there was something about a device type thing that someone else had that Erik wanted me to gain access to. It wasn’t actually hers. In my dream it was my friend, Hafidha, at first who had this thing I was to gain access to. It was like it was an anomaly, an accident in how it developed. Whatever it was it gave Erik the ability to come through more easily. I seem to recall a box with roses on the outside. On the inside it was a mix of stuff. I couldn’t tell you what exactly. But it was like when certain components came together, it created this gateway…or perfect environment for Erik to come through. I heard something about “particles” and I want to say the particles were him. I asked Hafidha to give me the box/device and she gave me a box saying it was what I was asking for but it was much too small and wasn’t the actual device. What I was supposed to do when I gained access to this thing was “download” it and keep a copy so I had all the information I needed to be able to have easier access to Erik as well….so he could come through to me easier and be with me.
 
I have a vague memory of a wind chime and offering to put it at my place because I like chimes. Most of the dreams were about me trying to “save Erik” by finding this device and downloading it and creating a copy. Who had the device seemed to change and I was plotting to gain access to it when they were away from the house. When they came back, there was something about one of them having had their hair done but it wasn’t right so the other was going to help fix it. When I went into the room, there were bits of red dyed hair everywhere on the floor. It looked almost like a dog shedding only no dog has that shade of red. hahaha I don’t remember many other specifics other than almost stepping in dog poo in grass and just missing it.
 
Interpretation: The meaning of this dream was perplexing to me. Usually I can see the meaning fairly easily but I was confused about what my higher self/subconscious was trying to convey to me. I started thinking about the “device” and how not long before a friend had talked about Erik coming to her wanting her to make talismans/pendants for some of the active members of a small private discussion group. She had mentioned that Erik wanted the components of mine to be slightly different to the others. I’m not sure why, nor was she. The talismans were basically going to be small orgonites. At the time, I really didn’t understand what an orgonite did. I had heard them mentioned before around the time of Fukushima and the concern of radiation but I never really researched them or gave them much thought. I just nodded and trusted that my friend and Erik knew and wasn’t concerned with exploring it further.
 
I considered that the “friend” in my dream was actually representing my friend who was going to make the talismans. My friend has a lot going on in her life and hasn’t gotten around to creating what Erik wanted her to.

Desert Rose

I had become acquainted with Chris at ShowMe Orgonite through my friend, Ashley at In My Sacred Space. He had done a beautiful custom piece for her and she raved about it. The morning after my dream, he posted a photo of a beautiful piece he titled “Desert Rose”. There were roses on the box of the dream device and there is a song by Sting called “Desert Rose” that was played for my friend, Jan, during a reading she was doing for me. The song was from Erik and the lyrics spoke to me. Because of the sync, I decided to reach out to Chris and shared my dream with him. I did consider he might think me absolutely insane for sharing this strange dream with him, but I wanted to see if he thought the device in the dream might be an orgonite
 
Chris was lovely and very open and had quite an unexpected response to my dream. He saw himself and his wife in my dream and suggested that I had traveled to the place and time when he had created this desert rose piece for his wife. He described having two dogs at the time…a great dane and a smaller one. I never mentioned in my telling of my dream that there had actually been two piles of poo…lol…one small and one very large one. I left it out on purpose because I didn’t want my friends who are also vivid dreamers knowing how much poo was in my dream. Usually it means I have internal shit I need to clean up. I never expected that it could actually represent real dogs. lol Here is Chris’ blog where he talks about some of what made him think I was dreaming about him and his wife. It is pretty cool. And the couple at the beginning definitely makes me think of Chris and his wife now. I just makes sense and fits.
 
I decided that I was being told to have Chris make the device from the dream. When I was sure that he understood what I wanted and needed, I had him move forward with making the piece.

This is the before resin picture. Look at how pretty the “desert rose” stone is in the middle. Go to Chris’ blog about the piece to learn about the symbols and meanings of the materials used.

I have yet to get my custom orgonite in my hands, but should have it sometime this week. I can’t wait! I am so excited! I will likely do another blog post telling what I experience when I get it.
 
Now those reading this may be very knowledgeable about what orgonite is, what it is capable of. I was still confused and not entirely sure even after trying to research it a little. Some of the terminology and language just makes my eyes glaze over and I totally miss the point and just translate the details as “blah blah blah”. lol Chris was kind enough to answer and explain some of what it can do.
 
Here is our exchange:

 
ME: Let me share a little bit of a dream I had last night. I am not entirely sure how an Orgonite works but if it helps to balance energy, perhaps it can also remove blocks.
 
This is the bit: November 22, 2014 So I just had this dream where there was this store that was getting ready to open up and everything they sold was pink. I saw pink clothing in my head. I was inside this open and large two level space they were going to use and everything was already Pepto Bismol pink….the walls, the carpet. They were just waiting for everything else to fill the rooms. I was like, ain’t no way a business like this will survive, but whatever. They were hiring and I am not sure why I was there and following them around. I remember sitting on the stairs feeling bored. I could see these lasers that were coming from the wall that I assumed was security. I kind of played with the dust in the light as I sat on the stairs. There was even a pink baby grand piano on the lower level but both levels were quite open to each other. I think I might have mentioned that I had worked in a place like this once before and it closed down. lol
 
Interpretation: To me this dream has a meaning of the heart chakra opening up written all over it. Pink is the color of the inner heart chakra. I have known for a while I have a heart chakra block because of related health problems I have. A part of me is wondering if this piece you made for me is the reason I had this dream.
 
SHOWME ORGONITE: Oh yes, Orgonite can be used for both balancing and removing blockages along with many other things. I feel this helps with so much it’s hard to comprehend. If you do any kind of energy work, meditation or astral travel type work Orgonite is a very powerful assistant. The Desert Rose is really Selenite, which in the book of stones is for Spirtual activation, communication with the Higher Self, spirit guides and angels. For the Spiritual – Selenite’s energy clears etheric blockages and debris, allowing for a freer flow of energy through the higher chakras – particularly the etheric chakras that facilitate connection and communication with the Higher Self. It is always my intention to allow the stones and crystals that I use to vibrate and assist at each specific level they are attuned too, whatever frequency they resonate at and assist accordingly. You have 7 DT AA quartz cyrstals and an awesome Desert Rose – that’s a total of 8 which is the sign of infinity, which I believe shows infinite possibilities!

Spiritual Prostitution

What is "spiritual prostitution"? you might wonder. I made it up on the fly in hopes it would draw your attention and make you want to read this blog post. lol But I also wanted to create a phrase that describes spiritual people trying to sell themselves to you and creating a dependency at the same time because what they really care about is making money from you.

Spiritual Prostitutes create dependency on their services. They don't want you to think that you can do any of this yourself. They drum up business by telling you that not just anyone can do what you need and you click on the link and of course their site is filled with ways for them to make money and not offering any wisdom or insight so you can help yourself. This was posted as a link in a group on Facebook I am member of. I will leave her name and the link to her site out. I just want to use it as an illustration of what I am talking about:

"NEW ERA HEALING wow am I happy to share this. I have been guided to share something new from ______________________ Counsel. You can now change your contract from light worker to light weaver or something else you feels is even more appropriate.

  ______________also told me this; " to change such a contract requires to go to a certain level of the halls of knowledge. There are few that can do that for themselves. Do not allow the mind to delude you into thinking you have done it as it will try to. Releasing this in the mind is one thing. Releasing it from your soul, from the earth and the universe is another. "

  ______________along with the ____________ council I have now been connected to have guided and instructed me in this technique and I am now offering it to those that feel it's right for them.

You can go to my website to learn more about it and how you can book a session with me to transform the reality you create in. Yahooooooo "

This sort of Spiritual Prostitution SCREAMS red flag to me. I was rolling my eyes as I read it. So we can change our contracts, but not just anyone can do it. Hmmmm So you mean to tell me my own higher self isn't plugged into all the EXACT SAME KNOWLEDGE?!!! SMH Puhleeeease! And you could say that any person (aka spiritual jon) that falls for it has their own spiritual lessons to learn from the situation. I suppose that could be true too.

This was my response to the user that posted the link to this woman's spiritual prostitution post:

How much is she charging? smh I'm sorry, but anyone that says that not just anyone can do it is tripping and drumming up business.

I have a problem with people in the spiritual community who encourage dependence on them and their services. We should be teaching people to do it all themselves because we are all capable. We all have the same potential but come choosing to emphasize one thing more than another but each of us are capable of amazing things. I don't want people to depend on me. I want to teach them what they can do as well.

What about those "psychics" that give away free readings repeatedly and cause a feeding frenzy of bottom feeders? I get giving away a certain amount to build your online presence, but how you do it matters. Melissa Hevenor does free readings sometimes, but the deal is, you have to subscribe to her YouTube channel, "like" her page, and "like" the video on YouTube...and if you like the reading, she asks you to leave her a positive review. I think that is a fair exchange. It is meant to give you a taste so you can decide what you think and maybe tell your friends about her. She doesn't do it all the time....maybe once a month. I won a free reading from her and I will say, I thought her information was interesting and unlike anything anyone has picked up but was confirmation of things I myself have gotten. Getting confirmations to your own information is wonderful, in my book. And then you get those who give away "readings" daily in hopes to get you hooked and come back and pay for their services.

I have heard so called mediums, psychics, intuitives and other spiritual figures make claims that "not just anyone" can do what they do. Some will say that they were just born that way and not everyone is born with abilities. A lot of these people like to tout what other side figures they are connected to be it Jesus, Archangel blah blah blah, ascended master blah blah blah, some high ranking alien, etc. Maybe they say that they were them in a past life or that they channel them. When I hear people make these claims I have to call bullshit when I see it. lol I don't always say it out loud in a post, but I certainly have groaned and said a few choice words at my monitor. lol

This is my truth as I know it. We ALL are BORN with abilities. All of us are born with the same potential. Now, some of us do set it up on the other side to come in with both knobs to the faucet turned on and staying on beyond our stage where amnesia sets in firmly. For those people, certain connections seem easier. It really is as simple as how we set it up before we come into the physical body. Now....what we do once we are here and have forgotten is really up to us. We ALL are capable of being channels. We all are capable of being mediums. We ALL are capable of being energy healers. We ALL are capable of using our intuition consciously. We ALL are capable of tapping into our higher selves and accessing a wealth of knowledge. If we are all technically "one", are we not then also all technically plugged into the same infinite knowledge as anyone else? I believe the answer to this is YES! You simply need a desire to tap in and learn.

I have no problem with spiritual people making a fair energy exchange with people for their services. I think they should ask for a fair exchange be it bartering or asking for money for what they are offering. You can often easily tell the difference between someone out to make a buck and only see a person as a dollar sign and those who genuinely CARE about empowering the people they come in touch with. The psychics who care often offer LOTS of advice via blogs. They really don't want you to become a regular client because they want to teach you how to connect with your crossed over loved ones and want you to go within and find the answers to your questions. Spiritual teachers who care don't want a disciple who follows them around like a puppy dog. They want their students to learn, graduate and go out and SHARE what they have learned. 

If this "shift" is really about shifting consciousness, then we need to be careful about how we are going about it. Spiritual Prostitution is not helpful.

Oneness and Eachness

Yesterday on Facebook, Dreamwork with Toko-pa posted a quote that was both a sync and incredibly meaningful to me. It resonates so much with me that I want to share it here on my blog so it doesn't get lost and I am able to find it again.

"Some people in the New Age, particularly those who have dabbled in Eastern practice, have swung with the pendulum of enatiadromia to a new extreme or one-sideness. They will monotonously insist on the oneness of everything no matter what is being discussed, and use this obvious reality as a way of leveling all difference, distinction and discernment. This point of view can be even more limiting than the tunnel vision of the reductive thinker, since at least the reductive thinker is still thinking about and investigating something, no matter how much they miss the infinite, interelated context of the something. This type of New Ager, however, takes oneness as a truism that relieves them of the need for thinking, discrimination and discernment and pulls oneness out of a hat, like the most tired of magician’s rabbits, whenever any issue requiring discernment appears. Recognizing that individuals or groups that are in conflict are part of the same oneness is crucial, but it is also crucial to recognize their individual differences and what sets them apart. The great American pioneer psychologist William James wrote more than a century ago that besides the oneness of things, anyone who glances at the phenomenal world should also be struck by the eachness of things. We see a world of unique individual trees and people, for example, and not an homogenous mass of treeness or undifferentiated pool of humanity. The dynamic paradoxicalist recognizes that there is both oneness and eachness, these are the two poles of the paradox that must be held in mind to understand both interrelation and individuality."

By Jonathan Zap

October 31, 1993

October 31, 1993.  My mom woke me at around 5 am central time. She was driving to work and heard the news on the radio about River dying. She turned around and came back to the house to tell me. I didn't believe her at first. I told her to stop saying that. It couldn't be true. When I saw the news, I burst into tears. I mourned the loss of River as though I had known him.

I Am Not This Body

Art by Christian Schloe

I Am Not This Body

Red lips, long flowing hair

They see a pretty face

But not the soul I bare

I am not this body

Dirty clothes, missing teeth

They pretend I don't exist

They can't see the soul beneath

I am not this body

Dried up limbs, wrinkled skin

Old and often forgotten

Timeless is the soul within

I am not this body

Overweight and out of breath

Lifestyle assumptions are made

They can't see the beauty and soul depth

I am not this body

This flesh, the blood and bones

A skin suit we put on like clothes

We step inside and gasp and groan

I am not this body

How could we forget what is true

We are light, color and sound

These roles we play are not me or you

I am not this body

Written October 12, 2014

By Oktobre Taylor

Indentity Crisis

Art by Carlos Quevedo

I am having an identity crisis.

Let's not mistake it with a "mid-life crisis".

As we learn and expand our minds, our guides and higher selves give us more pieces to our personal puzzle. They reveal more to us because they think we can absorb it and handle it now. This is what happened for me recently.

Reading Dolores Cannon opened my mind to the possibilities. I already started to suspect that I was a walk- in, but I didn't have confirmation until recently. Recently I had a dream that revealed some truths to me. Here is part of that dream:

October 7, 2014 I keep trying to retain this dream even though I want to keep sleeping. Lol I need to write it down so I can remember as much as I can. There was a house. Apparently my mom was living there it seemed like it was a big house. There were lots of rooms. There was a man that came inside and told me that the fresh flowers that are supposed to be in the window weren't and it was part of the lease agreement...that fresh flowers would always be kept in a certain window in memory of the woman who used to own the house but obviously had died. I told the guy that I knew nothing about what my mom had agreed to in the lease and it was quite possible she didn't know everything she had agreed to either. I told him I would talk to my mom and get the lease and go over it so I knew what she had agreed to. He was tall, with long hair and light brown skin. He looked Native. He was younger looking. But suddenly he was gone and there was an older Mexican looking guy in his place and I asked him if he was the guy that had just been there and he said no, that it was someone else. I talked to mom about the agreement and she seemed to know about the flowers but she had just forgotten to do it and I told her that she needed to have fresh flowers there if she was going to stay there. It seems like she had a conversation with someone that was head of the estate and someone else was going to come in regularly and make sure there were always fresh flowers there. I think I wandered around the house a bit. I seem to remember there were a back set of stairs that had lots of child's things on the stairs and basically made the stairs unusable. I can't remember if I spent time up stairs or not. It seems like I might have.

Interpretations: The issue with the children's things on the stairs spoke loudly to me of blockages stemming from childhood. I don't really know yet which situation has created the blockage. Perhaps the most traumatic one is from when my mother had a nervous breakdown in front of my school as it was letting out. She became catatonic...couldn't speak...couldn't move anything from her neck down. The doctors told us then if that ever happened again, she might not be able to come out of it. It was a fear I lived with on a daily basis. I love my mom, but she was weak and too sensitive. The smallest thing could set her off crying. My siblings and I knew we had to toughen up to be her strength, to protect her in any way we could. That whole year was fraught with one trauma after another. My mom left my dad for the first time. I think it was 1980. I was about 11, almost 12. We moved a number of times and was homeless for a little while because my father burned the place down we had been living in. I changed schools something like 6 times. My dad shot our dogs in the head out of spite and let me know he shot Ginger in the head once because she was his favorite and Misty (the puppy) in the head 4 times...a bullet for each of his children. He had planned to kill us all and then himself that year. He told me this. It didn't happen because we declined his invitation to Christmas dinner. He was going to ask us to come back to him and if we didn't, he was going to kill us all and then himself. I developed such rage and hate that year. I know I must have changed enormously. I was once a very loving and sensitive child and I changed to adapt and survive my environment. A question I have been asking myself is how do I unfreeze my heart? How do I release the block when I feel it has served me well? So what if people think me cold and unfeeling. I don't crumble under adversity like I might have should I have stayed the sensitive and loving being that I once was as a child.

The issue of the flowers confused me at first. A house in a dream normally represents the person...their mind. Finally I was being given an acknowledgment that I AM NOT THE ORIGINAL INHABITANT. I mean, I considered it as a possibility, but here it was being shown to me that, yes, you are not the original driver of this car. I know from what I have read in Dolores Cannon books that often intuitives and psychics will pick up on the past lives of the original inhabitant. So the lives that are accessed aren't always even that of the current driver. I started researching the topic of walk-ins because my guides showed me that there are 4 walk-ins I need to seek out and will be working with. They are part of my team and most likely, soul family. Back then I never suspected that I, myself, could be a walk-in as well. 

After I understood the meaning of the flowers in my dream, the guides confirmed that what I was thinking is true. They tell me it is really good I am questioning my identity. That is easy for them to say. They aren't the ones sitting here questioning their whole existence and what they thought was their life. From all that I have learned about walk-ins, it is entirely possible to be a walk-in and NEVER know it. In fact there are millions of us who ARE walk-ins. The whole idea that there has to be an illness or a trauma for a walk-in to happen is a myth. Those are just the cases we learn about because of the NDE that often happens as well. I would bet you that a vast majority of walk-ins have no idea that they are NOT the original driver of the human vehicle. The human hard drive (aka brain) stores all memories so, when the new driver steps in, they have access to the data and memories. Amnesia takes place and they believe fully that they have always been the driver of that vehicle. It is rare that a walk-in actually is conscious of being a walk-in but it does happen occasionally. 

My revelation has made several questions pop up like when did I walk into this body? Who was the being before me? Was she more connected to the people she was born to than I am? I love my mother deeply but I have a strong disconnect with the rest of my family and now it makes more sense as to the reason why. I have always had a sense of not fitting in and not being like everyone else. The truth is, being in a human vehicle feels foreign to me and I don't enjoy it very much. It isn't my natural state and a part of me knows this on a deep soul level. I fully believe this to be my first human Earth life. I have been here before long ago but it wasn't in human form. It was at the time of Atlantis and the body I was in then was not of this world.

I have a sense of frustration attached to this new revelation. If we have no real sense of knowing when the switch took place, then who the hell is "I" and "me"? If it is really just part of a computer-like program that gives me a sense of who I am, then really none of us know who we actually are other than the role we agree to fill in this giant play we are performing in what we call "Life". How is it that any of this is really all that important anyway? These are things I am questioning and wondering now. I have memories of when I was a 1-year-old staring out a window and chewing on a blue perm rod curler. But whose memory is that actually? Was I in the body then? The switch could have been recent for all I know. For all I know ALL of the memories I think are mine were experienced by the original. That is what is such a mind-fuck about this all. I just don't know.

I am laughing to myself because I am rattling on like this is a normal conversation to have, but I totally get how it will be just too much for some to understand or grasp. I wouldn't have been able to grasp it early on in my journey. I would have rejected it initially and then come back to it when my mind expanded more.

Last Earth Life

November 8, 2013 I just had a wild dream. I think it was more than a dream. I was having a normal dream and then suddenly I was trapped in an area that was all white walls. But then there was a door slightly ajar and I went through it. There were stairs...white stairs leading down and I was confused and asking what this place was. No one was there but me and then there was this bird that flew in. It was two tone like some black and white corvids only it was a light grey and white. I held out my hand and it landed on my finger. I said hello to the bird and asked what it wanted. And a voice started talking to me. It had almost a new York accent. Lol but he told me things...not everything i can remember. But the one thing i do remember was he told me i was doing well in this life time and i wouldn't have to come back for anymore. I was pleased to hear this and asked him who he was. He simply said he was my superior. And then he sent me on my way back into a dream where i was in a house with what was supposed to be my husband, i think, but he didn't look like him. My daughter came out and we interacted and then this blonde boy came out and i was like who is that? And my husband was like, "are you kidding me? He is my son from a different relationship." i was like, no, I don't know this kid. And he was wanting to know what was wrong with me. It was like i had been plopped somewhere that kind of looked like my reality but was somewhere else completely. It was wild. I wish i could remember everything that the bird said. He said a lot. I do remember there being a bit where the landlord was there tearing up the place and renovating everything while we lived there. Also there was something about a puzzle. I put a puzzle together but there were all these other pieces like there had been a second puzzle in the box. I put the pieces of the second puzzle back in the box but bits of earth and moss went in with the pieces. I carefully took out the chunks of moss and moist soil and put it around the base of a mailbox (communication?). There were worms mixed in the soil and I noticed a single caterpillar. None of it was gross and wasn't trying to discard it, but was trying to separate it carefully so that I didn't lose any of the pieces of the second puzzle. I woke up before I had a chance to put together the second puzzle. There was a micro cd played but i can't remember what the music was.

A Short Divergence From Spirituality....The Oddity of Fandom

So my feathers are a little ruffled for a number of reasons in regard to FANDOM.

I posted some of my angst as a status update on Facebook:

Who do celebrities go to if they want an honest answer? So many "fans" are such fucking yes men/women. I expect for some of these celebrities, their yes-men fans feed their overgrown egos. Some of them like hearing the same bullshit over and over. Perhaps the celebrities who actually appreciate someone being real and not a yes man/woman will also tend to live an authentic life themselves. 

There is a difference between trying to see the positive versus wearing blinders to the reality. A person CAN see the reality of a shitty situation or a shitty person and see how positive can come from it, but a person who wears blinders never wants to see the truth that is staring them in the face.

The first part is about celebrity fans in general. I follow a few on Instagram and on Facebook. The celeb posts a picture and the response from fans is pretty predictable:

I love it!

I love you! Come play blah blah blah!

Looking great!

Please follow me! 

*emoticon, emoticon, another pointless emoticon*

I love exactly what you love (not really but I am going to say that because I am going to say what I think you want to hear).
 
Dear Sum 41 fans on Instagram, this observation isn't just about Deryck and Sum 41 fans. Even some of the people I talk to without bodies (aka spirits) have a fan base that wear blinders and only see what they want to see and not the truth. When you look at someone without objectivity, you do yourself a disservice by not thinking for yourself.

How many times have I heard within the Channeling Erik community "Well Erik says...blah blah blah" as though his word is gospel. I know this will be shocking for some of you, but even Jamie has filters, Even "Erik" gets it way off sometimes. Even Elisa is only sharing her VERSION of the truth. There is a saying...three sides to every story...yours, mine and the truth. We ALL have our own versions of the truth according to our personal perspectives. We ALL have filters. Every medium, every channel, every psychic has some sort of filters. Instead of believing everything and nodding like a bobble head, use some discernment. Don't blindly follow ANYONE. Stop and ask yourself how something feels.  Does it resonate? Do you actually give a shit about that sport that some celebrity is doing recreationally in a photo outside of that celebrity's participation? Don't compromise and pretend to be anything you are not. If who you authentically are is to always follow and like everything another person likes, I guess you are kind of fucked, but I have faith that the majority of people out there have the ability to be REAL and demonstrate that they are as unique as a snowflake.
 
I like Sum 41 music but wouldn't call myself a "fan". I love Dan Reed as a friend and think he is a talented musician, but I don't always agree with his views and I don't love every album he has put out. There is always a large percentage of fans who do nothing but say what everyone else is saying. They agree with everything the "celebrity" is saying. Why? What do you suppose the number one thing is a musician hears when they meet a fan? "Dude, I love your work!" What if, instead of saying the same thing that a million other people have said, we get creative and start having REAL dialogue and not just what we think the celebrity would like hearing? 

Fan, fan, me. lol

Maybe I am an oddity myself because I can't look at celebrities as being anything other than a soul wearing a skin suit just like you or me. When the body craps out and we exit the fleshy vehicle, WE ARE ALL THE SAME...light beings/energy. And if we take it one step further, we are all part of the ONE and therefore EVERYONE is another aspect of you.

Edited to add: The discussion on this topic is continuing on my Facebook page.
https://www.facebook.com/oktobre/posts/10152696167630428
The post is public, so anyone should be able to read it.

These are some of my comments on the Facebook discussion:
All I am saying is that if they are actually another aspect of me, I would like to see fandom become more intelligent. Lol I am begging my other aspects of myself to please don't be a mindless bobble head sheep.

With being more mindful and intelligent in your fandom, people will be more respectful of the personal space of a celebrity. Less time can be spent on useless chatter and spent on actually saying something real. If you look at celebrity as just another job....one living life in a Fishbowl with everyone watching you...then maybe we can step back and not spend so much time gazing at the fishbowl.
I don't think myself above the fans or the stars. I think myself an equal. I have been that screaming 14 year old fan for Duran Duran. Shit man, I named my dog "Rio" so that when people asked me what her name was I could sing, "Her name is Rio and she dances on the sand...." I have BEEN that person who altered who I am to try to make myself fit and be more like the star or more like the herd. I started smoking to be more like my favorite band. I have been a "super fan". I am not talking from a place of superiority. I am speaking from a place of FIRST HAND EXPERIENCE.

I have hung out with countless bands....some known and some unknown. I never met Duran Duran so couldn't tell you how I might have reacted had I met them back in the height of my love for them. I might have fainted and been at a loss for words. I know well what they go through with fans and the demand of their time. Although, without the "fans" they have no job. So if you don't spend a little time paying attention to the fans, chances are pretty good you will wind up being someone who used to have a following but you can't get anyone to come to your shows anymore. The fans are the ones who can help you keep doing what you love but there needs to be BALANCE on both sides.

I have heard those in the music industry whinge about there just not being the kind of money there used to be for artists to create music. They lament that there just isn't the funding that there used to be. I would challenge them and suggest it is a GOOD thing there isn't the money or means to frivolously piss away millions either on excesses for addiction or ridiculous material things. Now they really have to focus on using the money wisely in making the best product that they can with what they do have available to them. So the fuck what that the execs and stars can't piss away millions on parties and sports cars or whatever. We have become a culture of wastefulness and excess and that needs to stop in all areas of life.

When I started learning about food, I started caring about where is came from. At least in the Pacific Northwest, we actually care about buying LOCAL and supporting local farmers. "Is it local?" is a question I have found myself asking which is pretty funny if you have ever watched Portlandia. I really do think that music and other forms of performing arts could end up being something that is kept alive by keeping it LOCAL. Why not support the amazing musicians you have right there within your tribe? Why does there ever need to be some mega-famous band that is internationally known? If we start really caring about the art that you have right there in your own back yard, you might discover some amazing talent. Who the fuck cares that they will probably never be a millionaire? If they are supported well enough so they don't have to also have a shitty day job, I think that is a great thing!

I really do think that the way Dan Reed is doing things is the future of music. Reaching out and asking people to help fund projects through various online means is a great way to get things up and running. Dan has seen both sides of the coin...so to speak. Dan Reed Network experienced some pretty nice success but have also been humbled and had to start over again. Michael Schaerer and Richard Fortus have also experienced the fickleness of the music industry. Michael has kept it local and still does what he loves. Richard has gone on to perform with many big names. I think he might still be the guitarist for Guns'N"Roses, but the only project of his that shows in my feed right now is The Dead Daisies.

My perspective is that of the consumer. I really had no idea this response would get so long. hahahaha

The age of digital music has definitely changed the playing field for sure. You can either adapt and adjust and create something new or your can become obsolete, a fossil or a novelty of days gone by. I have confidence that with all the changes will emerge something new. I have confidence in our ability to adapt and adjust. Just because not everyone will like it doesn't mean it isn't a good thing. I only just threw away my whole cassette collection. I still like my physical CDs and Amrik laughs at me for that....yet he likes to buy CDs at shows and have them signed. lol The way we consume music is changing and, yes, it will make it harder for anyone to become bloated, giant and internationally huge. I don't see that as a bad thing. Just wait until star people (aka aliens) hit the scene. THAT will shake shit up in a way we have never dreamed. How cool will it be to say you are going to see this musical artist from the Pleiades? You think I am kidding, but I am not. lol

Life as a Personal Play and More On Alpha Companions

 

So, one of my Facebook friends posed this question:

For there to be an Alpha; does there really need to be a Beta? ‪#‎hierarchyquestions‬ ‪#‎humanityquestions‬

 This was my response:

Well if there are only two people in your "pack" or whatever, then I suppose there could be only Alphas. But if we think in terms of importance of those around us, of course there are going to be Alphas, Betas, Kappas, etc. Does everyone you meet have the same importance to you? No. What about the asshole that makes derogatory remarks to you? Are you going to hold him as near and dear as someone you trust and love? Probably not.

We all have soul groups/families and some soul groups/families are smaller than others. But as far as I know, none of them consist of only two souls. An Alpha can refer to simply the importance a specific person has to you. It doesn't have to be hierarchy in the way you are thinking. We all are Alphas within our own lives and who you choose to dance with before you come into the physical is something you agree with that other person.

 
I kept thinking more about this question and our so called "reality". Our lives are more like a stage drama...our own personal play where each of us plays a starring role.  We are each the center of our own Universe. If we think in terms of a play and we each have a starring role, then all the other people that ever come into your life also have parts in your play. The thing is, not every actor is going to be given top billing with you. Not everyone can see their name on the marquee alongside yours. Not every actor will even be given the same number of speaking parts.
 
You have supporting cast and these people might easily be considered to be in Beta and Kappa roles or even lower if they don't even have a speaking part. Actually, some "baddies" have some pretty big roles in some dramas that play out. The question is, how many lines will you allow the antagonist to have in your personal play? You can either give them a starring role or you can cut their lines significantly so that they only have a cameo...important but short.

When it comes to the Alpha Companions that I spoke about in a previous blog post, not many of us come into these lives and only experience one romantic partner. To think we would only ever have an Alpha Companion in our entire lifetime...well that would be a pretty rare thing as we often have several people we want to dance with and at least one we want to assume a starring role. Another term we could use is Primary Soul Mate. We can have multiple soul mates in lots and lots of varying roles. The word "primary" simply gives us an indication of the importance of their role. We have primary guides which could also be called an Alpha Guide, I suppose. We have other guides too, but at least one that is front and center and plays a really important role in guiding us through this personal play of ours. Maybe they are a little like the director behind the scenes keeping the play going the direction that we, ourselves, want it to go.

I was simply presenting an alternative to the "twin flames" term and offering one my guides have used with me during my time in the astral (aka dreams). I guess to me it isn't that complicated to understand the concept of an Alpha Companion simply because I know there are many people in my life who have different degrees of importance to me. It isn't about "hierarchy" but simply a reality of larger roles versus smaller roles. I'm not going to get butt-hurt that I don't have a big role in someone else's play if I don't even really care that much about them.

Edited: Go HERE for an update on Alpha Companions.