Armadildo

Dream Journal Entry: May 28, 2022

Last night I dreamed that I hadn't heard from my husband in 24 hours which was unusual and made me feel concerned about him. Weirdly, I don't think I was seeing him as my real life legal ex spouse. 

I ended up at some place where I met a woman. I think she might do spells and witchcraft. I think I am seeking her out for assistance in trying to find my partner. I am telling her about how the spirit I usually talk to who was usually with me, also seems to be missing. I said the spirit was with me, but actually it was more like he had been inside me. I said I would ask him questions and he would answer. I called the spirit "Michael". I think I was worried the spirit who had been with me had done something to the spouse. I remember saying, "Michael isn't my husband."

I can't completely remember the dialogue exchange with me and this woman, but she comes close behind me and I feel a penis under her dress. There was a man who had been sleeping in the room that is an associate of hers that she warns I need to be careful with. He looks familiar and I tell her that I think he and I have met before. It seems there might have been a second man involved, as well, but I can no longer remember. At one point she told me that her name was Armadildo. I laughed when I woke up and remembered the name. 

Keanu Reeves, a Fictional Character

I originally published this on Instagram August 4, 2018. I reread it today and feel it deserves a place here on my blog, as well.

Dream Journal Excerpt: November 24, 2014 

I find myself out back in the yard and it is surprisingly cute and well maintained. It is fenced off so that the dog didn't wreck the nice green bits. I remember seeing short wire fencing around the green. I stumble and nearly fall upon a huge silver sword that is sticking up at an angle out of the ground. One side was serrated. I move away and bump into a motorcycle and it starts to fall over but thankfully the fencing kept it from falling over completely and I stood it back up. It was yellow, I think. I went back inside and was totally impressed by his cute little yard. He is talking to the dude I was with and I sit near my "uncle".

Comments:

Dear Keanu,

Fame...like the sword in my dream is double edged. 

I see you....the "you" you try to keep concealed. 

You spend all day pretending to be a character someone else created as part of your job. And then at the end of the day, you put on the fictional character YOU created...the "nice guy". You have become so well known for that role too. 

Sometimes you break character and I see you remember yourself to keep up the ruse, the persona, the face you wear for them.

"Jesus fucking Christ!" you declared in exasperation.

For a moment you got real. For a split second you broke character and let the mask slip, but then you quickly tried to regain your character and composure because cameras were rolling.

They are always rolling around you, aren't they?

In those moments you gave a part of yourself away. You gave them your voice and your power.

And so you perform like a monkey in the circus.

It is exhausting and lonely, isn't it? You long to be who you really are inside. You can feel that person clawing you from the inside desperate to get out and be known.

Don't you think it is time to step into who you really truly are? Drop the masks. 

Be raw. 

Be real. 

Be authentic. 

Be you.

#keanureeves #fame #doubleedgedswords #masks #iseeyou #beyourself #naked #exposed #real

https://www.instagram.com/p/BmFc3GMAMIG/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

Jumping Off a Platform

 "Self internal conflict" by global.annihilation

Dream Journal Entry: May 26, 2022

I dreamed I was someplace with some other people. It feels like I am stepping on a surface over water of some kind and if I stepped hard enough, it would cause some of the almost black liquid to create waves. The harder I stepped, the bigger the waves. I stepped hard at times just to see the waves. I ended up in a place that seemed to be a platform with natural rock formation overhead. I looked out at the beautiful view of the rock formations in the distance which reminded me of the wave rocks in Arizona. 

I'm there with some guy and my sister. Apparently she had been seeing him. He is indicating an interest in me, which surprised me.  All of a sudden my sister goes to the edge of the platform and jumps. I moved closer to where she had been and see there is a small body of water far down below she was jumping into. It didn't feel safe to me at all and I couldn't believe she did that. I saw my sister come up from the water and she is exclaiming that she has glass in her eyes when her glasses shattered from hitting the water at such a force. She was also complaining about losing some bracelet she had on. I think I was surprised she would even care about a bracelet when she could have easily lost her life from the jump she had taken.

I now notice other people lining the rocks at different levels around the body of water my sister had just plunged into. They were all going to attempt the same the same thing. I thought it was really danger considering that there were so many people trying to jump from different points at the same time.

I see two sets of keys my sister had obviously left on a rock ledge that were in danger of falling due to the wind and being lost forever. I was going to try to pick them up but it didn't feel safe when I started not lean over to get them.

I start to feel like I am losing my balance and ask the guy to help me away from the edge. After he helps me, we are sitting together on the platform where he moves to kiss me. I allow it because I like him, too. I tell him that I have to get off this platform because it is really scaring me now. I am having to crawl on my hands and knees because I am so scared. I apologize to people around me I bump into who are waiting for a chance to see the view and/or a chance to jump to the body of water below, as well. The guy is following me off the platform and doesn't seem at all concerned about my sister. I think I woke up about there.

Gaining New Understanding

Photo by Harvey Turtz 1952

You surround yourself with low-life people because it means you won't be challenged to become a better person. Most of the people you keep close to you are as bad or worse than you. People with integrity and high morals are pushed away from you.

It's the same reason why you pushed River away. His compassion, kindness, and goodness of heart is something you knew you couldn't live up to. Better to push that away than have someone making you feel guilty about being a shitty person. It's far easier to be a shitty person and just wear a PR mask that says you are "too good for this world" than actually being a good person. That requires work.

If you had truly wanted to be my friend in the open and not as some dirty little secret, you knew it would require stepping up and accepting responsibility for who you are, who you have been and changing. You knew that if you became my friend out in the open, you would have to retire that fake halo you wear for PR because I would hold you to higher standards. 

Stop playing stupid ass games. 

If you want to be my friend, you can't come to me as a person who chooses to surround themselves with low-life people.

If I were to color you in, the last photo shows some of the qualities I would color you in with. Maybe you can use it as a template, as a challenge for yourself. I know I am already all of those things. I think you know it, too, which is why you pushed me away to begin with. I'm another River, right?

Keanu Reeves is a Blank Canvas

Sometimes things come out in conversation that I find worthy of reposting. These are comments I made during conversation:

But then, as I am thinking about it, I have to believe that a higher part of our soul allows us to have these "tragic" experiences for a reason.

What purpose would it serve to give Keanu blow after blow? River, Ava, Jennifer, his father, etc. They were all tower moments to shake him to get him to wake up to become who he really is inside. Instead of being a blank, empty vessel, his higher self was challenging him to fill in that blankness. He was being challenged to let that small spark inside of him take over and burn away all that isn't really him and to reemerge as who he was always meant to be before life fucked his head and heart.

Yes, his mother has probably had a big influence on his relationships.

A very negative and toxic influence.

She used men to get ahead in life which makes you wonder how he fell into the trap of landing a hag who wants to use a man (him) to get ahead. It is a familial cycle.

She doesn't need dudes when her meal ticket is her son.

Like I said before, she is actually a career stage mom who developed a story with her son to make it seem she is not a stage mom and that he is a wounded rebel.

She didn't make it in show business, so she thought she would project what she wanted onto her son and make him get the life she wanted. She lives vicariously through him.

Showgirl...aka stripper.

Wow! Maybe that is why he has become a blank slate for everyone in the world. His mother set that stage for it. He has to break free from that.

But it's hard for anyone to see who he really is if he doesn't know who he really is, know what I mean?

No one can tell him what will unfold in his life. He has to pick up the pen and decide the story he wants to write.

This is a book my daughter checked out From the library and it made me think of our conversation. Basically, Keanu needs to color himself in rather than being a blank canvas for people to project onto.

About Blue Bunnies

Originally posted on my badbleubunny account on Instagram:

Recently I stumbled across an old recording of my daughter when she was much younger. She interviewed me for her pretend show and asked me if I ever had a favorite stuffed animal I slept with. At first I recalled a mouse my sister had given me, but then recalled a much earlier stuffed animal that meant a lot to me. It was a little blue bunny I had when I was about 2-3 years old. I had forgotten all about it when I created the handle for this page. 

I thought about my little blue bunny and how I lost him one night when we went to church. I had gotten sleepy and fallen asleep during the evening service. Between the church and the car, my blue bunny got lost. I cried about it as we drove away. It was very upsetting to have lost him. He was my only stuffed toy. 

I thought about the symbolism of having lost my blue bunny at church.

Blue is the color of the throat chakra, so to me, it symbolizes having lost my voice at the church.due to the strict religious upbringing I experienced.

"Children are to be seen and not heard" my father would tell me. 

My child self was taught that what I had to say had no value. I was taught to not express myself. 

I had no idea my inner child suffered such a severe blow at such a tender age until I heard myself talking about that little blue bunny to my daughter. 

When I reopened this page, I said to someone that I decided to bring Bleu Bunny back because I deserve a place to voice our anger. 

And there it was,...that part of me who needed to be healed, revealed; that false belief that I needed to let go of.

My words have value and even the angry ones deserve to be expressed even when no one else understands why I feel what I do or why I speak out about what I do. 

My inner child deserves to be heard and their feelings deserve to be acknowledged. 

Children should be both seen and heard. What they have to say matters.

It took me years before I stopped stuffing everything inside me and muting myself. I'm still healing and working on it.

Son of Satan and a Con Artist

Art by Fendie Daywalker

Dream Journal Entry: February 3, 2020

I had a dream the other night about some woman in an airport with a baby. She needed to breastfeed the baby but didn't like the the place she sent to in order to do it. It was small and horrible. She complained to someone at the hotel and the customer service guy said he would comp a room for her so she could nurse her baby in a nicer environment. The woman, instead of being happy and grateful, wanted an upgrade to VIP and pushed until she got it. She seemed innocuous enough in the beginning but turned out to be a real con artist that would try to get everything free but pushed it to get even more. It was obvious she wasn't a nice person.

Later in her room, I begrudgingly went to her. She is pushing her larger disgusting feet towards me like she wanted me to rub them or something. I exasperatedly said to her, "Keep your disgusting feet away from me. You summoned me here and I have come. What do you want?" I was processing the word "summoned" and had this sense of being Satan, but then heard a correction...son of Satan. 

The woman made me think of Alexandra and the type of person she likely is... always trying to upgrade seating on the plane or hotel rooms and scamming her way to getting it. This woman in the dream was also really loud. I don't know if AG is loud or not but I suspect she is since she is an attention whore who wants to be seen and heard.

Justice by Franco/Flemish School

Dream Journal Entry: April 20, 2020

I dreamed lots but they feel like disjointed pieces and parts.

I remember seeing Brandon Lee and I am very happy to see him. He is smiling at me and talking to someone about how I have been keeping him up late at night looking at funny animal videos and music videos. I laughed about it.

I remember a scene about being somewhere with some older guy. He is old enough to be my father, it feels. I am wearing a ball gown for some reason. It was the first day of my job there but I commented that I had worked there before and wore a ball gown on the last day I worked there so it seemed fitting I wear one for the first day back. I said I didn't see any reason to wait for a special occasion to wear it. I would just wear it now. 

The old guy is noticing me. For some reason I keep touching his hair and running my hands through it. I apologized and said I didn't know why I kept doing that. I mentioned how soft his hair was and asked him if it was recently colored because it looked to be a different color to me than it had been before. 

The old guy is now seeing me more and he is liking me, what I am saying and how I am touching him. A young woman comes up and she is his current wife. It seemed pretty obvious that she was with him for his money and he was with her for her youth and beauty. It feels like he is indicating that he would like to get something going between the three of us but he is looking at me and saying that I am pretty, but I would be prettier if I would lose some weight. 

I pulled away and stated, "I am beautiful as I am but internally I am extraordinary. If you can't love all of me as I am right now, you can't have any part of me."

It was after that scene that Brandon showed up. He is always such a lovely loving energy. He always makes me happy when I see him.

There was a weird scene about making some food that had meatballs and rice mixed in. I made it on J and K's bed where some logs were stacked and I had started a fire to cook the food. I think there were pieces of blue stained glass that got mixed in that I considered would have to be picked out later or avoided. There was also a second fire on the ground outside and I hoped that it wasn't too close to the barn so that it didn't catch fire.

When J and K came back, I offered them some of the food. It feels like there was microderm abrasion stuff mixed in somehow. J ended up removing the fire that was on the bed. 

When I saw K, he didn't look like the K I know but I knew it was him. His hair looked like the top layers had been lightened so now his dark hair looked reddish and now he had bangs in the front and it was long on the sides like a page boy like cut. I mentioned something about his hair and complimented him on it. 

I can't remember anything else right now.

Dream Journal Entry: April 15, 2020

There is a vague bit of dream I remember. There was something about mold and needing to move to a different location. It is so foggy now but there was something about discarding someone....like we were no longer going to be responsible for them and they would be taken out of circulation but some aunt wanted a chance with this person. It feels like I have venom for whomever I am speaking of and I am saying that if she wanted to win them over, she should learn to cook vegan really, really well. I went on to say that cooking vegan well is difficult so it would take a lot of practice.

Something was mentioned about someone looking good in a trash can because that is what they were....trash.