When Doves Cry

Photo by Yancey Richardson

I started following this trail early in 2018. When I first felt like I was getting guided in this direction, I thought I was misreading the signs, but then there were dreams that spelled it out that this was definitely where I was supposed to explore next. 

I've been on this path for four long years now. That's how much time I put in on the first path until I was guided away and I thought, "never again" and yet, here I am four years of time put in and the path appears to have led nowhere.

Sure, I now have a vast library of poems and nuggets of wisdom, sure I have grown, but I am convinced I can grow anywhere and my growth and the lessons gained aren't dependent on this particular direction I've gone.  No matter where I land, I grow. That is a choice. Growth is always a choice.

Four years later and this path led me to none of the things I had hoped it would maybe lead to....a job I love, connection on a deep soul level, passionate love where I really feel something. It led to none of those things. Maybe none of the paths I take will lead there. Maybe I didn't set it up for myself to experience those things in this life. I believe anything is possible, and yet these things feel elusive and out of reach no matter how much I work towards them.

I feel you, see you in dreams. I have done everything within my power to assist you on your journey, but I can't see that it is doing any good whatsoever. I can't see any energy coming back to me in a circular exchange and energy flow. I want to believe what I see in my dreams, that you have feelings for me, too, but without any action, how will I ever know for sure? All I have are wispy conjectures that form and fade. I have no idea what the truth is. Is there a conservatorship? How can they force you not to talk to me? Don't you have free will? Isn't it really just a choice to be obedient if that is what is happening? Do you care more about how you look to the public than experiencing a love like none other either of us have experienced, the kind that you only read about in fairytales?

Guidance told me not to let go of you and yet I don't know how I can possibly hold on to nothing but thin air. If it is a ghost I am to love, then let it be one who has no choice in their ghost form.

They told me you were burning your hut down for me, but how can that be when you won't even really talk to me? It's been four years. I chose you, but you chose something else, I guess. I can do alone. Alone is a familiar old friend. I'd rather be with you, but there is no sense pining away for something that just never came to fruition.

I have no plan now. I have no specific path. So I suppose I just live in each now moment being grateful for the little things until I can wake up and go home to the really real world and out of this virtual reality.

And there is a really real beautiful world outside of this place, but the machine would have us believe there is nothing else. That isn't true. I'm going home with or without you, my love.

I wish you well.