A Closer Look

Photo by Frank Navara

I have been thinking about this part of my dream from last night:

The first bit of dream had to do with a child I had been caring for whose penis had become detached. I told the parents they needed to take care of this issue right away or it may not be re-attachable later and it would be a problem for him as an adult. The penis, to me, represents our ability to give so it seems to suggest a problem with being able to give as an adult. To create energy flow, we need to be able to both give and receive.

On further examination, I was thinking about how a penis, like an electrical plug, acts as the means by which we connect, therefore, can be seen as also symbolizing a tool for connection. If a plug is missing, connection to an outlet (feminine) cannot be achieved. So, perhaps, the detached penis is representing a loss of ability to connect to others. The penis was still present, but needed help getting it to reattach.

I thought about how emotionally detached I have felt recently and how little motivation I feel to truly connect with anyone (other than my daughter) on a deeper level. A part of me is like that boy whose penis has become detached. I have released pretty much everyone. I don't have long engaging conversations, nor do I even try to connect anymore. In the dream it was something that needed to be addressed sooner rather than later.

My daughter asked me the other night before we went to bed, "What do you miss most about dating or having a partner? Do you miss cuddling and snuggling?"

I thought about her question and replied, "I never really dated. I slept with people once in awhile, but I didn't really date. What I have always, always wanted was to connect with someone deeply who I can have deep, meaningful and interesting conversations with for hours where we touch tenderly as we talk. I still want that but I can't say I miss it because I have never experienced it." Just because a person has been legally married to someone for 18 years doesn't mean there was ever any real connection at any point. That's where I am at...a lack of ability to attach or get excited about much of anything relationship related.

I feel myself closing off now. I don't really know how to counteract it, nor am I sure if I even want to anymore.

I don't know how to address the problem, but maybe I will dream an answer to it eventually.