Mommy Issues

"Lady Justice" by Victor Nizovtsev

I had a disturbing dream this past week that my mother died. At the time it just upset me, but when I took a closer look at the symbolism and was really honest with myself, it actually wasn't such a bad thing to see this in a dream.

I've had quite a few dreams where my mother died, but I didn't understand until now what it is representing. I didn't see it before. I didn't fully grasp the severity of my mommy issues. I thought I had just a mountain of daddy issues. To comprehend I am full of mommy issues, too, came as a surprise to me.

It took coming back to my home town and staying with my mother to understand. 

I had married my mother, basically. 

So many traits I despise about the ex are also present in her. It took me off guard because I have always felt close to my mom. It stands to reason there would be similarities as they are both Aquarius sun signs. But the similarities were most glaringly obvious when I watched the interactions between my daughter and mother and saw how similar it was with the ex. There are definitely differences, too, but the similarities that exist were harsh and damaging.

My daughter expressed her feelings through tears while my mother laughed as though my daughter's feelings didn't matter to her. I get this is a defense mechanism, but it is incredibly hurtful to the child experiencing it. The ex does this, too, laughs when someone is expressing difficult emotions.  My daughter doesn't feel heard, valued or appreciated by both the ex and my mother. There are many days I spend trying to be a mediator so that both parties can express their side and try to come to some middle ground. It's what Libras like me are good at, trying to see both sides so that the outcome is fair for everyone.

Sometimes mom doesn't hear you, especially if you are a child. Many times Inara will try to talk to her grandmother and she gets ignored. "She's like that with all kids. You have to simply call her by her first name and not grandma. We used to have to do that when we were kids."

As I typed the above I could see clearly how this is also what my mother does to her own inner children. How she interacts with the children outside of her also represents how she interacts with the children inside of her....and it is sad, really. I never fully understood the negative impact my mother's choices had on me and how I picked up so many harmful false beliefs as a result because I loved her and felt attached to her. 

Yesterday, I had a big discussion with my mom about my beliefs and her concerns about it all. She expressed that she doesn't understand the path of faith that I have chosen. I said, "So you are saying you don't believe in me or that I have abilities to see things and know things."

"I'm not saying I don't believe in you, I just don't think it is all based in reality. Dreams are more of a fantasy." She said to me.

"I don't fantasize, Mom. But you believe in the bible and the stories written there. Why is it you can't believe in me and that Spirit/God has asked me to perform a specific task which I have been doing all along?!" I exclaimed.

It went on and on and then we moved to my poetry.

"Do you write poetry much?" She asks when I say I would like to make money from my poems and not my spiritual journey which I write about.

"Are you serious, Mom? You like everything I post. Do you just basically like the pretty picture and never read what I wrote?!! I have written LOTS of poetry, but obviously you don't care enough to either read it or remember."

Admittedly, I got triggered because it took me back to the day she told me I had nothing to offer anyone.

Justice; Prudence; Hope; and Temperance, by G.S.& J.G.Facius

My own mother STILL cannot see the value of my contribution to the world through my spiritual journey and my poetry. She doesn't recognize my value and this is the biggest similarity she has with the ex...neither sees the enormity of my value or that I AM doing the work I am supposed to be doing...ON MYSELF! They both think I should be "realistic" and get a normal job that sucks the life from me and keeps me on the treadmill of working to survive.

"Mom, I'm trying to be a living example of how, if we change and trust Spirit to guide us, we can leave off living in survival mode and shift into operating in creative mode, that abundance can flow when we make the shift out of fear and into faith," I explained.

I was disheartened by the fact that I have this fairly large body of work on Instagram, Facebook, and my blog and my own mother isn't interested in exploring who I am by actually reading the words I have gathered and actually remembering they have value. Her excuse is that, "Maybe you are just too intelligent that other people can't fully understand what you are saying." 

"My poetry isn't inaccessible and people can understand and know me, they simply have to take an interest. It takes being interested in me to want to read what I write and, obviously, you are not."

"I've started to press 'more' and actually read what you write, mom," Inara let me know yesterday because I pointed out to her that even she is not that interested in me because she only likes the pictures but never reads my words. She's thirteen, so I get there are limitations to her interest and comprehension, but if she wants to know me... really know me...she has to read me.

I ruminated on the discussion and I felt my frustrations about it all. How can my own mother still measure my value based on the size of the paycheck I bring home? How is it she still doesn't trust me? How is it she still doesn't believe in me and my abilities?

The difference between now and then is that my value, my self worth is no longer dependent on ANYONE believing in me or understanding me but me. I am strong enough, evolved enough and changed enough to be my own support and encouragement, I understand my value and no one else can cause that to whither ever again.

And THAT is exactly what it means when I see my mother dying in my dreams. The false beliefs I took with me as a result of her influence are dying off everytime I see her die in a dream and that should be celebrated because I am coming more into being the me I was always meant to be.

I love my mother regardless of her flaws and false beliefs she passed onto me, which caused me to marry someone who would repeat those patterns and dysfunction until I was able to release them. I can't heal her, but I can certainly heal myself and help give my daughter the tools to do the same when she is ready. I want to pass on a different legacy than the one given to me.

By Victor Nizovtsev

The way I see it, I AM Gabriel... symbolically... because I AM God's messenger. I prefer "Spirit", but it is basically the same thing.

I'm doing my best to make choices based in Spirit, faith, trust and knowing instead of fear. It isn't always easy and maybe almost no one will fully understand my journey, but that's okay. 

"As long as you look for someone else to validate who you are by seeking their approval, you are setting yourself up for disaster. You have to be whole and complete in yourself. No one can give you that. You have to know who you are - what others say is irrelevant."

Nic Sheff